


Snapshots

by LyricalKris



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-26
Updated: 2014-07-28
Packaged: 2018-01-06 06:27:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 85,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1103534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LyricalKris/pseuds/LyricalKris
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When his older brother walked out on his girlfriend, Bella, on the worst night of her life, Edward was there to pick up the pieces. Jasper breezed back into town after being missing for three years to find his family had reformed around the hole he left behind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**A/N: So when I did the Twilight 25, jfka06 reserved the right to request I write two stories from the prompts of her choosing. The first was Dig which I wrote as a Jasper/Edward. The second is this. Much love, and I hope you’ll enjoy our journey.**

**Disclaimer: Still not Stephenie Meyer.**

* * *

 

Edward Cullen hated small manilla envelopes. Innocuous though they seemed, when he came home from work to find one in the mail or, worse, open on the end table in the entryway, his stomach twisted and anger clicked on like a snap from a lighter. They were small but thin as envelopes went. There wasn’t much in them, after all. Their contents were always the same: a single photograph, beautiful in its composition, and terrible for the fury they always brought.

 

Perhaps most infuriating was the profound relief those envelopes brought. They were the only assurance Edward and his family got that his elder brother was still alive. His bitterness stemmed from the flipside of that coin, the reminder of why Jasper’s mortality was a question in the first place. Each photo was a reminder of everything his brother had put his family through, and old, old anger settled like a rock in his gut. After everything Jasper had done, it should have been impossible to still love his brother, still care if he lived or died.

 

Often, in between envelopes, Edward wondered if it would be more merciful to receive a phone call or a police officer at the door in lieu of another photo. Then, at least, the wait would be over. They could all lay this unresolved portion of their lives to rest. They could all let Jasper go once and for all.

 

Bella could let him go.

 

That was the final reason Edward hated those envelopes. They were addressed not to him, but to Bella. His relationship with his wife was solid. They had a beautiful marriage, a beautiful life together. Bella’s heart and soul were steadfastly his; he never doubted her devotion, but he hated how, when she held Jasper’s photo in her hand, her every thought belonged to his brother, her ex-boyfriend. She had no secrets from Edward. He knew what she was thinking as she stared, her eyes haunted with old, painful memories. He knew how she second-guessed, how she still harbored such guilt. Had she done all she could? If she had been different, would Jasper have done what he did? Could she have saved him if only she’d tried harder?

 

Why had fate arranged it so Jasper was the one who met her first?

 

Edward took a deep breath and let it out. “Bella?”

 

She didn’t answer, and Edward furrowed his brow. His stomach twinged with nerves. The house was too quiet. Bella wasn’t responding, and he couldn’t hear the sounds of Kaylee playing either. He quickened his step. “Kaylee? Bella?”

 

He didn’t have to go far to find Bella. She was sitting at the table, staring off into space. Edward exhaled in a gust at the sight of her. “You scared me.”

 

She started and blinked up at him as though coming out of a trance. “Hey. I didn’t hear you.”

 

“Where’s Kaylee?”

 

“I took her to your mother.”

 

Edward’s stomach dropped down the soles of his shoes. Something was wrong.

 

What if it was finally the day? The day Edward had dreaded and yet, up until that very moment, he’d thought he was resigned to it.

 

Was his brother dead?

 

He swallowed the lump in his throat. “What happened?”

 

The horrible feeling in his gut only tightened when she didn’t bother to play it down. In fact, she said nothing. Instead she waited until he sat kitty-corner to her at the table, and she slid a piece of paper in front of him.

 

By that point, Edward had worked himself up enough that he was surprised to see handwriting. He’d been expecting some official notice. In hindsight, it was a ridiculous thing to think. He’d seen the envelope with Jasper’s writing. If his brother was dead, it would be something else--a phone call, or a visit from the police like on television--not a letter.

 

Edward’s relief was short-lived. The very first line of Jasper’s letter sent him into a tailspin.

 

_I’m coming home._

 

He pushed back from the table and stood, though he didn’t know what he intended to do. His hands were in fists at his side. “No,” he said.

 

Bella’s eyebrows knitted and she reached out to take his hand. Her gentle tug had him back in his seat again. “Read all of it.”

 

_Bella,_

 

_I’m coming home._

 

_I thought about staying away forever. How could any of you stand to look at me after what I did? But I’ve been running for a long time, and I’m done. You deserve to hear me say I’m sorry. You deserve an explanation. Honestly, Boo, you deserve the chance to kick me where it counts. I promise I won’t stop you._

 

_If you don’t want to see me, if you can’t see me, I will understand and respect that. I just want you to know, I know I was really fucked up for a long time. I’m not the same guy anymore._

 

_Anyway. I have a few loose ends that need to be tied. I’ll be home at the end of the month._

 

_I love you._

 

_Jay_

 

Edward’s hand clenched in a fist, crumping the single page. In that moment, he hated his brother more than he thought was possible, and given what he’d seen Bella and Kaylee go through, his previous threshold was already high.

 

“He has no right,” he said through clenched teeth.

 

“No right to what?”

 

“Anything, Bella. Three years he’s been gone. Three years he sends nothing but those photos--no letters, no calls, no nothing--and now this?” Edward stood again and began to pace. “This is bullshit. He has no right to-”

 

“To what?” Bella stood and stepped into his path. Her eyes were tortured and her voice shook when she spoke. “He has no right to come home to his family?”

 

Edward put his hands to her waist, his grip tight, though not tight enough to hurt her. “You’re my family. You and Kaylee. My wife. My daughter.”

 

She caught his face between her hands. “That’s not what I meant. I meant you, your brother, and your parents. Kaylee and me? We’re yours. That’s not a question. No one is going to say any different.”

 

“How do you know that?”

 

She didn’t answer. He read the uncertainty in her expression. Jasper said he wanted to say he was sorry, but he didn’t say what he expected to come home to. “He signed his letter love,” Edward said. “As if he had a right to say he loves you after what he did. He walked out on you. He walked out on you on the worst day of your life.”

 

“Edward.” The word came out as a whimper that broke Edward’s heart. His anger drained, replaced in an instant by shame. Bella was a wreck. He could see it in her eyes--the fear and uncertainty. He was making this about him, and that was the opposite of helpful.

 

“I’m sorry.” He folded his arms around her and pulled her against his chest. She tucked her head under his chin. Under his hands, he felt a light tremor. Burying his nose against her hair, he took several deep breaths. He needed to take his cues from her, but he’d ruined that with his territorial snarling. “Please tell me what you’re thinking.”

 

Her breath hitched. “I don’t know what to think. I love you. Nothing is going to change that, but I have no idea what I’m supposed to think or how to feel. I wanted him to come home. I’ve always wanted him to come home, but I never thought about what that meant.”

 

Edward stroked his hand through her hair, swaying them both a bit. “So you’ll hear him out?”

 

“I don’t think I have a choice.”

 

He wanted to argue, but he couldn’t. There was no getting around the fact Jasper and Bella would have to talk. Jasper had said in his letter he would understand if Bella didn’t want to see him, but that was an impossibility for so many reasons. She’d married his brother for one thing.

 

And then there was Kaylee.

 

“It’s going to be okay,” Edward said because she needed to hear it. “Whatever happens, I love you. I’m here for you.”

 

“I know. I know that. You always have been.”

 

He pulled back so he could take her face in his hands. He kissed her once. “We’ll see what he has to say, but I need you to know right now… If it comes to it, I will fight for you. I’ll fight for what’s mine.”

 

She put her hands over his against her cheeks. “You won’t need to.”

* * *

**A/N: Many thanks to jfka06, barburella, and songster for everything they do for me.**

**This story will start updating regularly in the new year. Until then… thoughts? Worries? How we doing out there?**


	2. Where The Heart Is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I loved reading your guys’s reactions to the first chapter. Welp. Here we go. I’d say let’s end the old year right, but I really don’t know how y’all will react to this chapter.

Saturday mornings were Daddy-Kaylee time. Kaylee wasn't a morning person. How it happened that every Saturday morning she, like Edward, was up with the dawn, he couldn't say. She didn't want to be awake. Every time, she climbed into his arms so he could hold her while they watched the morning news. Kaylee was agreeable with just about anything the first few hours of the morning. When her brain kicked on, it was cartoons and Sesame Street all the way, but until then, all she wanted was her arms around Edward’s neck and her head cradled against his chest.

 

Some days, Edward grew frustrated with his daughter. She was heavy and hot and he struggled to do anything when she was having a nap, not even have his morning cup of tea. Many times, he’d wished she would get over this phase soon enough.

 

That Saturday, Edward was ever so glad his daughter was so clingy.

 

Bella had fallen asleep out of sheer exhaustion only an hour before the dawn. Until then, she hadn’t been able to sleep at all. Neither of them could. There were too many questions they couldn’t answer until Jasper made his reappearance. Edward watched his wife sleep, watched her brow furrow, and wished he could ease her dreams. Instead, he leaned down to press a long kiss against her forehead.

 

He slipped out of their bed, brushing the back of his knuckles down Bella’s cheek before he headed down the hall to the nursery. The need to have his baby girl in his arms was too strong. It was near enough to dawn, after all. Kaylee, like every toddler, was very forgiving.

 

When he reached the nursery, he turned on the soft lights. The room glowed the color of the sunset, the low light bouncing off the red-orange walls of the room. The noose that had been tightening around his heart for hours in the darkness of the night loosened ever so slightly when he saw Kaylee. She was sprawled on her back, one hand up by her head, her lips pouted in sleep.

 

He sat on the edge of her big girl bed and peeled down her covers. When he lifted her up, she whimpered. “Shh, baby. I’ve got you. Daddy’s got you.”

 

Kaylee grumbled, instantly burying her head in the crook of his neck. Today her hot breath against his skin was a comfort. He rocked her for a moment before he stood and made his way downstairs to the the living room. There, he stretched out on the couch with Kaylee fast asleep atop him. He moved his hands over her back and twirled his finger in her long, blond hair.

 

Wavy blond hair.

 

People who didn’t know any better assumed Kaylee’s hair came from her Grandfather Carlisle, but in reality, the little girl was not blood related to him. Carlisle’s hair was spun gold. Kaylee’s hair was a shade or two darker, more sandy than gold. Like Carlisle’s step-son, Edward’s brother, Jasper.

 

Edward tried to take a deep breath, but he found he couldn’t. He squeezed Kaylee as hard as he dared without waking her. He let his eyes close as he buried his nose in her hair, breathing her in.

 

Jasper was only her father by blood. This little girl was Edward’s, and if his brother tried to challenge that…

 

Edward slumped. He had no idea what he would do. He knew enough about custody battles to understand if Jasper wanted her back, there was every chance he could get her. His blood burned hot at the idea.

 

Jasper had never deserved them, either of them, Kaylee or Bella.

 

Edward was exhausted. It was two in the morning and he had just got off work after a full day of school. All he wanted was to get home and get in his nice warm bed. He groaned when he saw his brother’s truck in the driveway. He parked on the side of the street and gripped the steering wheel, already gritting his teeth. “Here we go.”

 

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, searching for the patience he knew it was going to take. When he was sure he was calm, he got out of his car and headed up the walk.

 

The house was quiet when he stepped in the door. Edward let out a breath. Maybe it was a non-drama night tonight. Jasper seemed to be doing better these last few times he’d showed up. His girlfriend, Bella, had been good for him.

 

Bella was, in Edward’s opinion, way too good for his druggie brother, but she hadn’t figured that out yet. The on again, off again nature of their relationship was maddening to him. In a way, he understood. Jasper was charming and enigmatic when he wasn’t using. Edward had seen how happy he could make her. The problem was he had also had to witness just how miserable his brother could make her.

 

The simultaneous upside and misery of the whole situation was the friend he’d gained in Bella. It was wonderful because he’d never had a friend like Bella. She understood him. She was a lovely girl, a compassionate woman, and…

 

He was in love with her. That was the misery of it. He was in love with the woman Jasper had never had any business being with. She’d been eighteen and Jasper twenty-six when they met. He shouldn’t have gone anywhere near her in the first place, but, somewhat bizarrely, Edward was desperately glad he had. He wouldn’t have given up Bella for anything.

 

Edward stowed his laptop bag by the door and trudged toward the kitchen. A glass of water and bed, that was all he wanted. He turned on the light and jumped a mile in the air. “Jesus Christ.”

 

“However did you recognize me without my sandals?” Jasper flashed him a toothy grin. “How’s it hanging, bro?”

 

“What are you doing here?”

 

“I live here.”

 

Edward scoffed. “When it’s convenient for you.””

 

“Whatever.” Jasper waved the bottle of Jameson in his hand. The amber liquid sloshed noisily in the quietness of the house. “You want a drink?”

 

“It’s two in the morning.”

 

Jasper set a tumbler in the seat across from him and poured a drink. “Come on. Drink with me. We’re celebrating.”

 

Wary, Edward sat. He always felt so old when he interacted with Jasper, as if he was the elder. He was twenty-one-years-old and Jasper twenty-eight. He shouldn’t have felt the need to take care of Jasper. “What are we celebrating?”

 

Jasper turned his glass in his hand, staring sightlessly. He huffed and his lip turned up at one corner. “I’m going to be a father.” He punctuated his announcement by tossing back what was left in his tumbler down his throat and smacking his lips noisily.

 

Edward blanched and blinked, sure he’d heard wrong. “What?”

 

Jasper set the glass down with a thunk. His lips quirked up and down, up and down, as though he couldn’t decide whether or not he was supposed to be smiling. “Bella’s pregnant.”

 

Edward drank the entirety of the tumbler in front of him.

 

“Say something,” Jasper said.

 

“What do you want me to say?”

 

“I dunno. Congratulations? You can do it?” He poured another bit of drink in his glass. “What the fuck were you thinking?”

 

“Alright, let’s go with that. What the fuck were you thinking?”

 

Jasper rolled his eyes. “You really think we did this on purpose?”

 

“Great.” Edward laughed without humor. “An unwanted baby is exactly what you need right now.”

 

“Hey, I never said it was unwanted.”

 

“You want a baby?”

 

“I don’t know, man.” Jasper moved the bottle back and forth across the table. The noise grated on Edward’s nerves. “A baby. That’s crazy, right? I want to want it. I want to be that guy who wants it.”

 

Edward reached out and grabbed the bottle of Jameson away. “You want to be that guy? You think maybe you should lay off this shit?”

 

Jasper laughed. His grin was more goofy than anything. “You think booze is the biggest problem here?”

 

“Obviously not, but come on. The first thing you do when you find out you’re going to be a dad is get trashed?”

 

Jasper scowled, but he pushed his half-full tumbler away. “Whatever.” He wrung his hands together on the table. “I want to do this right. I know, I know. Don’t give me that fucking look. I know I’ve said that before. It’s true. I’ve always wanted to be better for Bella. I promised her. I promised her so many times.” He swallowed hard and scrubbed at his eyes. “But this… I want to be a better dad than my dad. I want to be as good a dad as your dad.”

 

“Good luck with that.” Jasper could never be as good a father as Carlisle.

 

His elder brother looked up, his eyes so lost Edward’s stomach twisted with guilt. “Edward, please. I know I’ve been a fuck up pretty much all your life. I… I need you. I need you and Mom, and Carlisle, and Emmett. You can’t let me mess this one up. Not this.”

 

Edward wanted to yell. Damn right Bella deserved better than him. Bile churned in his gut and raised to his throat. This would tie her to him forever. But done was done. Bella was pregnant. Even if Jasper didn’t deserve his support, she did. He took a deep breath and let it back out.

 

He slapped Jasper on the back. “Congratulations. You’re going to be a daddy. I’m here for you, Jazz.”

 

The tension drained from Jasper’s shoulder’s. “Thank you.”

 

“Edward?”

 

Edward blinked, disoriented. Somewhere along the line, he’d fallen asleep. His chest was wet with sweat from where Kaylee’s body lay atop his. His eyes focused to find Bella looking down on them. She gave him a teary smile and offered his hand. “Come on, baby. Come to bed with me. We’re all tired.”

 

He took her hand and let her pull him to his feet. He hefted Kaylee in one arm. Bella rubbed her back and tugged Edward down the hallway to their room. They climbed back into bed and settled Kaylee between them. Edward kissed his daughter’s forehead and raised his eyes to meet his wife’s gaze. He reached out to cup her cheek, running his thumb over her full lips.

 

Would he have this woman, this life, if Jasper had never touched Bella’s life? Did that mean Edward had to thank his brother for everything he had?

 

Edward tilted his head to kiss Bella over their daughter’s head. He kept his thumb to her cheek, stroking her skin. She brought her hand up to rest on his side, sighing as she kissed him back. He fell asleep again, holding his family safe in his arms.

**~0~**

It had taken Jasper Whitlock entirely too long to understand one simple concept: Home was where the heart was. All his life, he had this sense of being lost, homeless though he’d always had a roof over his head.

 

The first five years of his life, Jasper’s father Charles had moved him and his mother, Esme, all over the place. Esme left Charles under not-so-great circumstances, and as a result, they’d had to move a few times in the space of a year to keep out of his reach.

 

When they moved to Seattle, Esme had met and fallen in love with a widower, Carlisle Cullen, who had a son, Emmett, about Jasper’s age. They stopped moving, and Carlisle helped Esme divorce Charles. They were married, and the baby of the family, Edward, was born not long afterward.

 

Jasper’s story might have ended happily there. Carlisle was a doting father, and he didn’t seem to care Jasper wasn’t his biologically. He was stable and kind where Charles was erratic and harsh.

 

Unfortunately, despite the fact he didn’t seem to like being a father and Esme told him repeatedly she didn’t want child support, Charles sought custody of Jasper. It took Jasper years to understand his father had physically, verbally, and mentally abused his mother. But that kind of abuse was difficult to prove when she hadn’t made a formal complaint, and so the courts had no reason to deny Charles partial custody. As a result, he spent summer months and vacations being shipped across the country to wherever his father had set up camp next.

 

It took Esme years to get him away from his father completely, and by then, it was too late. Jasper spent his late teens and twenties sleeping on couches, popping in on the folks only when necessity dictated.

 

Now, Jasper pulled up outside his parents’ home and turned the engine off. A knot of emotion rose in his throat at the sight of the place. This house had seen his happiest times, though he’d been drowning too deep to see it in the moment. Despite his anxiety, Jasper felt a sense of peace settle over him.

 

Home was where the heart was. His home was with his family. His mother, the only man he should have acknowledged as a father, his brothers.

 

He swallowed hard and thought about Bella, wondering if she should be a part of that equation. He wasn’t sure how to feel about her. Three years that felt like three lifetimes ago, he’d fancied himself in love with her. What he felt for her was positive, but love? Now, Jasper was uncertain. He didn’t know if the man he’d been three years ago was even capable of loving another person.

 

He hoped again she would find it in her heart to see him, at least let him say he was sorry. It was a wish both selfish and altruistic. He wanted her to know the truth, but he also wanted closure for his own sake. He wanted to know what it would feel like to look into her eyes again, to know for certain what he’d lost.

 

With hindsight and the experience of the last three year, Jasper had the sneaking suspicion they’d been doomed from the first day, regardless of the mistake he’d made.

 

Part of him wanted to go straight to her house. He had, in fact, but only to assure himself she was still there. The house her parents had left her was just as he remembered it--perhaps a bit more maintained garden-wise. Her ancient truck, even more ancient now, sat off to the side, though a newer car took up the main space in the driveway.

 

He’d been shaking hard when he drove away from her house. He wanted to be brave, but he wasn’t. One step at a time. Facing his parents, his mother, was terrifying enough. After what he’d cost Bella, well… Like he’d written to her, she deserved the chance to beat the hell out of him, and if she wanted it, he wasn’t going to stop her.

 

So first, he was going to see if he was still welcome at the Cullen house. He got as far as opening the door and standing before his knees went weak. He caught himself on the top of the car and stared. He’d never been so intimidated by a short walkway in his entire life.

 

His fingers trembled as he fished his phone from his pocket. He dialed, and when Alice answered, he didn’t bother to say hello. “I can’t do this,” he said instead.

 

“Yes, you can.”

 

“They’re going to hate me.”

 

“They won’t.”

 

“I really can’t do this. I’m a coward, but I can’t.”

 

“Jasper.” Her tone carried just a hint of sharpness to it, enough to get his attention and calm him down, which he assumed was the point. “Think about how far you’ve come. Think about all the things you’ve done, what you’ve gone through this last year. You’ve worked so hard to get better. Do you think a coward could have done all you did?”

 

He bowed his head and tried to catch his breath.

 

“Answer me, Jasper Whitlock.”

 

“No,” he said both because he knew it was the answer she was looking for and he needed to hear it. “I’m not a coward.”

 

“So are you going to go hug your mother, or am I going to have to get on a plane to come kick your ass?”

 

The idea of hugging his mother stoked a need so powerful in him, Jasper whimpered. “Okay. Okay, I’m going. Thank you, Ally.”

 

“That’s what I’m here for.”

 

He disconnected the call and stared at the house again. Before he could coax his first foot forward, the door came open, and Jasper’s heart skipped a beat. His breath caught in his throat.

 

His mother stood in the doorway.

 

For a handful of heartbeats, she didn’t move, and Jasper was painfully sure she was about to step back inside and slam the door. She didn’t. Instead, her hand went to her mouth, and she called his name.

 

That was all it took. Jasper sprinted up the walk, up the stairs, and into his mother’s arms. “I’m sorry,” he said, his voice raw with emotion. “Mom, Mom, Mom. I’m so sorry.” He was babbling, and twin tears had escaped from either corner of his eyes. He knew he was hugging his mother too tightly, but he could hardly believe this was real. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

 

“Shhh. Shh, Jasper.” Esme pulled back and took his face in her hands. She let out a cry when she got a good look. “Oh, my beautiful boy. Look at you. What’s happened to you?”

 

“It doesn’t…I’m sorry.” He put his hand to her cheek, just marveling at being able to touch her again. “I’m sorry,” he said, because those two words seemed to be the only ones he could remember.

  
Esme hushed him. “You’re home now,” she said, pressing up onto her tiptoes to kiss his forehead. “Everything’s going to be okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So. That’s Jasper. 
> 
> Thanks so much to dizzygrl28 for stepping in to beta. I know I’m an impatient one. Thanks to songster, barburella, and jfka06 as well.
> 
> So. How are we feeling about… everything? Oh, and Merry New Year to you. Be safe tonight.


	3. Brothers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Dear anon (well, one of you. Don’t worry, kids. You can sign in. I won’t bite.) I never said Edward was Jasper’s stepbrother. I said Carlisle was his stepfather. For the record: Esme is Jasper’s biological mother, Carlisle is Emmett’s biological father. Edward belongs to Carlisle and Esme making Emmett and Jasper his half-brothers and each other’s stepbrothers. Phew!

Emmett came over alone, and Jasper was glad. He wanted a chance to talk to his family without Rosalie and the kid. Emmett’s wife and Jasper had gotten along fine, but Jasper knew her well enough to be able to guess what she might think of what he’d done. As for Emmett himself, Jasper hadn’t been able to guess how he would react. He was the kind of guy who let things roll off his back.

 

His stepbrother was what his counselors would have called an enabler. Whenever Jasper had an episode of drug-addled behavior, he laughed it off or excused it. After all, Emmett had his moments. He’d enjoyed his life to excess at times. Looking back, Jasper knew denial when he saw it. Emmett had never wanted to acknowledge there was a problem so no problem existed for him then.

 

But Jasper didn’t understand how anyone in their right mind could forgive what he’d done. Esme was his mother. Her job was to love him unconditionally, and she was damn good at what she did. Emmett, Edward, Carlisle… they were all different stories.

 

Carlisle had greeted him with the same unconditional love and support Esme had. He was, as ever, a good father. Still, his parents didn’t hide their worry. They had so many questions, most of which Jasper refused to answer until his brothers gathered. In turn, they had danced around answers to his questions for the exact same reason.

 

When Emmett arrived, he came in the door and stood stock still at the sight of him. Jasper held his breath, but then Emmett crossed the room and folded him into a hug. “You look like shit, bro,” he said, slapping Jasper on the back. “What the fuck happened to your face?”

 

“I, um… It’s good to see you too.” He pulled back, and the look on his brother’s face startled him.

 

Emmett seemed nervous, which was the first of many things Jasper didn’t know how to deal with. If anyone had asked him before, Jasper would have said his big brother-elder by all of two months-didn’t know how to look so worried, but there it was. “What’s wrong,” he said out of force of habit. He regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth.

 

“Oh, man. What the hell kind of question is that?” His tight smile fell completely. “I mean, what the fuck, Jasper? You have no idea…”

 

Jasper swallowed hard. His heart was beating frantically against his chest, but at the same time, there was some relief to Emmett’s words. There was a part of him screaming in his head as his parents hugged him, clucked over him. He wanted to be yelled at. They all deserved to be pissed as hell. “Say what you want to say,” he said.

 

Emmett huffed. “I don’t even know where to start. It’s bad enough you disappeared like that, but then what? You can’t call?” He gestured at Esme. “Let your mom know you’re not going to die? You can’t even write.”

 

“I did write.”

 

“You sent bullshit photos to Bella.”

 

“I knew she would share them with you.”

 

“She shouldn’t have had to.”

 

Jasper bowed his head. “I know that. I do. I just… I didn’t have the words. And I couldn’t let Bella lose you too. She needed you guys. I don’t know. I hoped it would be a bridge for you. Something like that.”

 

“Why the hell would we need a bridge? Bella’s my little sister; she always has been. You think we needed more incentive than her and Kaylee?”

 

“Kaylee?”

 

Realization dawned on Emmett’s face. “Holy fuck…”

 

Jasper’s heart dropped down to his toes. He stumbled backward, his whole body trembling so hard, he couldn’t help but sit down on the couch. Hard. “She lived?” His voice shook. “My baby lived?”

 

“She’s not your baby.”

 

Dizzy as he felt, Jasper managed to raise his head. It was hard to breathe through the vice grip around his lungs. “Wait. What? Who’s Kaylee then?” His thoughts spun. Of course he would have expected Bella to move on by now. If she’d had a baby with someone else, and his family still accepted her, it was still less than she deserved.

 

“You really don’t know."

 

“I don’t know anything, man.” Jasper threaded his hands through his hair and tugged hard. He tugged until the acute pain made him breathe again. He hadn’t wanted to do this until Edward was there, because he had no idea whether or not he could say it again. “I couldn’t come back. If I came back, I knew I would have fucked up everyone’s life. I have no idea what’s happened to any of you these last three years. I don’t know what happened after that night. I don’t. I’m sorry.”

 

“Christ.” Emmett sat down in the armchair. Carlisle and Esme came to sit on either side of Jasper.

 

“And we have no idea what happened to you.” Esme ran her fingertips over the scars on Jasper’s face. She took his hand and pulled his arm toward her, shoving the sleeve of his shirt up to reveal more scars. Her eyes were tortured as she looked at him. “Where have you been that this happened to you?”

 

“I…” Jasper closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I’ll tell you. I promise I’ll tell you everything. Just… Can we wait for Edward?”

 

“You say that as if you expect him to care,” Emmett muttered.

 

“What do you expect him to do?”

 

Emmett looked at Carlisle and Esme before he looked down on the ground. “He’s pissed,” was all he said.

 

“Yeah, well. I get that.”

 

Emmett opened his mouth and closed it just as quickly. He narrowed his eyes. “Okay. If we can’t ask about the Nightmare on Elm Street look you got going on, what the heck can we talk about?”

 

“Um.” Jasper rubbed the back of his neck. “Well. How are Rose and Henry?”

 

“Rose is going to have your balls. Other than that, she’s fine. Henry’s in First Grade now, and he has a little sister. Her name is Vera. She’s going to be two next month.”

 

For the first time in the so far tense as hell night, Jasper smiled. “That’s amazing. You with a baby girl, that’s…” He wanted to joke with his brother, but he didn’t know if he had the right. “Anyway. That’s great. Do you-”

 

Jasper cut off when the door opened.

 

Edward had changed. It had only been three years, but there was something in the way he held himself that reminded Jasper of Carlisle. He seemed older than his twenty-five years. His little brother wasn’t at all like Emmett. He’d never had much patience for Jasper’s antics. Jasper remembered well his exasperated looks and his constant admonitions. Jasper had dared to let himself hope Edward’s reaction to his homecoming would be the same: that disappointed and superior expression. He knew well how to deal with disdain. Instead, Edward’s glare was all hostility and fury. It rolled off him, almost visible as heat undulating over pavement.

 

His little brother hated him; Jasper could see it in his eyes.

 

When he was in rehab, he’d witnessed countless confrontations between family and the other addicts. Many of them hadn’t been pretty. He’d seen children, parents, brothers, sisters, wives, husbands with twisted faces screaming accusations and obscenities at their family members. And that was part of recovering, to hear those things, to accept responsibility for the fact his loved ones had every right to be angry, to hate him because he’d hurt every single one of them.

 

So though it was the last thing he wanted to do, Jasper stood up. He went to his brother and stood in front of him. “Say it.”

 

“What do you want me to say?” Edward asked through clenched teeth.

 

“Whatever you want to. Anything. You’re not going to hear me argue.”

 

Edward only stood still, seething.

 

“Edward. Jasper. Come on. We should go sit down at the table,” Carlisle said, his voice calm.

 

“If I move, I’m going to hit him,” Edward bit out.

 

“You can. I swear I won’t stop you.”

 

Edward’s nostrils flared, and he scoffed. “That’s the same promise you made Bella.”

 

“Yeah. I meant that too.”

 

“How good of you.”

 

“Look, Edward. I know Bella is your friend-”

 

“My friend?”

 

“He doesn’t know,” Emmett said, stepping up to his brothers. “He doesn’t know anything. He thought Kaylee died.”

 

Jasper sucked in a breath. His stomach churned and he looked to Emmett. “I thought you said-”

 

“I said she isn’t your baby, and she’s not. You walked away. You gave up the right to call her yours.”

 

“She’s alive? But… Thirty-one weeks. Bella was only thirty-one weeks. She was too little.”

 

“Just under three pounds,” Edward said, his voice still laced with venom. “But strong. She’s strong and beautiful and fuck you for not wanting her.”

 

“I wanted her.” Jasper’s voice was raw as the words tumbled out of him. It had never been about not wanting the baby. In fact, it was the opposite. All throughout Bella’s pregnancy, he’d worried, he’d known he wasn’t good enough. But then the accident, and he was sure his baby girl was dead. “Oh, my god.” He sunk to his knees right there on the foyer. So many years of guilt. So much time wasted, time he didn’t think his baby girl had. “Fuck. Fuck.” He was so relieved he wanted to cry, and yet… “I always wanted her.”

 

“Yeah. You wanted her so much, you walked away from her the second, the second she needed you.”

 

“I was sick.”

 

“You think that’s a fucking excuse?”

 

“No.” Jasper buried his face in his hands. “It’s not. I know it’s not. I just… Bella was hurt, and I… I couldn’t face her. I couldn’t be the one to tell her our baby was dead when it was my fault. I just couldn’t do it.”

 

“Jasper, what are you talking about?” Esme knelt in front of him and took his face in her hands, trying to get him to look up. “The other driver was at fault. He was going too fast. What do you mean it was your fault?”

 

“I should have seen him coming.” Jasper shook his head back and forth, back and forth, the movement nonsensical. “I couldn’t think that day. I was…” He swallowed hard. He knew damn well his mother knew what he was, but it didn’t make saying the words in front of her any easier. “I was trying to quit cold turkey. I was just starting to go through withdrawals. I shouldn’t have gotten behind the wheel at all like that. Fuck, I couldn’t even think straight, and I was irritable.  I was arguing with Bella. I never even saw the asshole, but I should have. I would have.”

 

He’d gotten out of that accident with scratches and bruises. Bella’s leg had been pinned between twisted metal. He still remembered in stunning detail the panic and pain in her voice the few minutes she was conscious. “It’s too soon. Please help her. Please. Please don’t let this happen,” she begged Jasper before her eyes closed and her head drooped.

 

At the hospital, Jasper had been left climbing the walls alone until Edward showed up. The rest of the family was out of town, visiting friends in their old home town of Forks, so it was just Edward left to deal with Jasper’s hysteria. By then, Jasper had worked himself into a state. It had been too long. Too long in a nightmare scenario, with an addict’s mentality of escapism as a coping mechanism, Jasper was caught on the edge of a cliff. He knew he should have been the man who could be Bella’s rock no matter what happened. He knew he should have been the man who could face what he’d done. But he knew how much Bella already loved their daughter, and how devastated she would be at the baby’s death. Jasper was so grief-stricken he could scarcely breathe.

 

“I can’t do it. I can’t. I can’t be here. I fucked it all up. I can’t.” He remembered babbling those words at his little brother before he stumbled and ran for the door. “I can’t.”

 

Jasper bowed his head so low, his forehead nearly touched the floor. He writhed with the utter disgust he felt for himself. Drenched in his own vomit, pee, and sweat one of the many times he tried detoxing on his own, he hadn’t felt this low. “What the fuck did I do?”

 

“They needed you, and you were too much of a piece of shit to stay.”

 

“Edward,” Carlisle warned.

 

“No,” Jasper said. He tried to sit up a little, but the weight on his shoulders may as well have been a thousand pounds. “Let him say it. He’s right.”

 

“Bella woke up and she asked for you. You and her baby, and I was the one who had to tell her you were gone. I was the one who had to tell her she couldn’t see her baby because Kaylee was fighting for each breath. What were you doing then, Jasper? What was more important than that?”

 

Jasper couldn’t answer. He remembered exactly the first thing he’d done when he ran from the hospital. While baby fought for life, while Bella was in so much pain, he was getting as high as he possibly could, trying to float above the whole situation.

 

“You’re a fucking piece of trash, and I hate that I’m related to you. I hate that you’re sitting there right now as if you belonged here. I don’t get how Mom and Dad can stand to touch you after what you’ve done, after what you put them through. Fuck you for coming back. You could have had the courtesy to die alone in an alley with a needle in your arm.”

 

Out of the corner of his eye, Jasper saw Carlisle wince at his youngest son’s rant, and beside him, Esme gasped. Jasper wanted to tell them again it was only what he expected, what he deserved, but he couldn’t speak. His lungs were shut up tight, a piece of paper crumpled into an unusable ball. Jasper struggled, but after a long minute, he was able to draw in a short breath. His mother rubbed his back, and her touch was more solace than he deserved, though her soft weeping pained him. He closed his eyes and raised his head, trying to get his thoughts to stop spinning.

 

Low as he felt, as much as his brother’s words cut him to the bone, there was something that made it all worth it. “But she lived,” he whispered.

 

Edward let out a ragged breath. “Yes.”

 

Jasper panted and after another minute, he drew himself up straighter. His throat and mouth were bone dry. It took a few swallows before he could summon the volume to speak. “Can I see her? I mean… Do you have a picture? She’s your niece, right? You must have a picture.”

 

“Go to hell.”

 

“Come on, Edward,” Emmett said. “Mom has a million pictures.”

 

Jasper forced himself to look up. He must have looked pathetic. There he was on his knees with his little brother towering over him, righteous as anything. His was the look of a man who was sure he could never sink as low as Jasper had, could never do the things Jasper had done.

 

Edward huffed out a breath and dug into his pocket. He pulled out his phone and pressed a few buttons. There was a sharp look in his eyes that Jasper couldn’t read as he thrust the device in Jasper’s face.

 

Jasper took the phone with shaking fingers. His breath caught as he looked at the photo, and he was struck by a one, two, three sucker punch of equally strong emotion.

 

First there was awe. The little girl in the photo was the most profoundly beautiful thing he had ever laid eyes on. She had his wide grin and his hair with Bella’s eyes, nose, and coloring. Her eyes were bright, her hands up as she grabbed at the air and stared at the camera. She was whole and happy and perfect.

 

Second was the sense of rightness he felt for Bella. It hit him like a punch to his chest because it should have been him to put that smile on her face. The Bella in the photo was happy too. She held the baby girl firm on her lap on the couch of this living room. It was everything he’d wished for her - to be so happy with a baby in her arms and…

 

There was the last thing, the sucker punch to the gut that left him breathless and at a loss for what to think. In the picture, Bella leaned with her back against Edward’s chest. His little brother had his arms around both of them, his smile proud and adoring as he looked on the girls. He was pressing a kiss to Bella’s cheek.

 

Jasper’s eyes darted to his brother, and for the first time, he saw the wedding band on his ring finger. He looked up, and he saw by the expression on his face that Edward knew what he’d seen. “She isn’t my niece, asshole,” he said. “She’s my daughter, and fuck you if you think you’re getting anywhere near either of them.”

  
With those words, he snatched his phone back and he was out the door, slamming it behind him, leaving Jasper stuck somewhere between unjustified indignation and complete, mind-numbing shock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So. That went well. No bloodshed. *cough*. Anyway. 
> 
> Many thanks to barburella and songster. I’d thank jfka06 but I was only supposed to write a little bit for her and finish the Foolish Hearts chapter. 3,000 words later…
> 
> We haven’t heard much from Bella to this point. We’ll get to hear from her next chappy. Promise.


	4. Possession

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Wow. Quite a reaction last chapter. *holds hands* Let’s talk to Edward and Bella now.

When Edward got home, he pulled the car in the driveway and cut the engine. He kept his hands gripped around the steering wheel, his knuckles white with tension. He closed his eyes and breathed in through his nose and out through his mouth a few times. Adrenaline still burned in his blood. It was a strange energy, one that left him raw and grasping for something intangible.

He hadn’t even been himself when he talked to his brother.

Part of Edward and Bella’s mutual anxiety for the two weeks between Jasper’s letter and the call Edward got from his mother saying he’d arrived was not knowing when their lives were going to change. Jasper was one big uncertainty, a force they couldn’t control or predict. They’d both been on edge for those two weeks.

Still, when Edward went to his parents’ house, he had every intention of being calm, rational. He and Bella had talked about whether or not she should come with him in even tones. Despite all that, the second he set foot in the door, laid eyes on his brother, he was a wild beast at the end of a rapidly fraying tether, all rage and feral instinct.

There was just so much. Seeing Jasper again had brought back every horrible memory. Bella looking so much younger than the twenty-year-old girl she was. Heartbreakingly young, lost, in pain. Back then the doctors hadn’t known if she would lose her leg, if she would have to learn to walk again. The last thing, the very last thing, Edward wanted to do was hurt her. It went against his very being. That was the first time he hated, truly hated, his elder brother. When Bella asked for him, it was Edward who had to break her heart.

Then, from the very moment he’d seen her, Kaylee had owned Edward’s heart. He’d watched her, painfully tiny and bird-like those first few weeks, and the idea that anyone could look at her and not understand how precious she was drove him to the edge of madness. He was there every minute he could be, not because he had to, but because it was a physical need. He needed to be close to Kaylee. He needed to be there for every milestone she hit, every update from every doctor. He needed to be with Bella, to hold her and comfort her, and just be there every minute. It was never a chore or a responsibility. And back then, they hadn’t been his.

So when he’d seen Jasper, all of that, plus all the tears he’d seen his mother shed, the regret his father and brother had been through, all came to a head. Edward had not been in control of his body, let alone his mouth, at all.

Edward opened his eyes, his breath leaving him in a long sigh. He started when he realized the front door was open and his wife was standing in the doorway, their daughter on her hip.

The weight on Edward’s shoulders lessened in an instant. His lip turned up.

His family. No matter what the future brought, Jasper couldn’t change that.

  
~0~

“Daddy, Daddy, you missed one.”

“What did I miss, sugar?”

Kaylee pouted and pointed in the direction of her dresser. “Mister Bubbles is scared.”

Edward looked at Bella who was leaning in the doorway, watching them, and he raised an amused eyebrow. He stood and crossed to the dresser, picking up an oversized stuffed gorilla. “This guy is Mister Bubbles, right?”

“Ya huh.”

“I see. And this big, buff gorilla is scared of…?”

“Sleeping alone.” She held her arm out from where she lay on her bed. “He needs me, Daddy.”

“Baby, you’re not going to have room in your bed for you.”

“He needs me. He gets awful cranky if he can’t sleep, an’ he won’t sleep if you leave him all alone in the dark.” She lowered her voice to a stage whisper. “He’ll cry.”

“See, now how can I argue with that? It would be horrible to see such a big, strong gorilla cry.” Edward brought the stuffed animal over to her bed and tucked it in with her. “All better now. Do you think little girls named Kaylee can sleep now that everyone is comfy?”

His baby girl grinned and threw her arms around his neck. “You’re the best daddy, Daddy.”

Edward enfolded his daughter in his arms and rocked her for a few beats longer than normal. A thrill of fear and possessiveness went through him. Bella’s hand on his shoulder brought him back to the present. He laid Kaylee down and smoothed back her hair. “I love you, baby girl.”

When he leaned down, she kissed him. “Love you, Daddy. Goodnight.”

Bella came to sit on the other side of Kaylee’s bed, careful of the myriad of stuffed and plastic toys. She leaned down for her goodnight kiss and hug. “I love you, baby bird.”

“Love you, Mommy. Good night.”

Edward stretched his hand out to take Bella’s hand, and together, they walked to the bedroom door. They both lingered a few extra moments before Edward turned off the light.

Only when they were safe behind the door of their room did they stop. Edward turned to Bella, and she was already looping her arms tight around his neck. He held her close, so close he lifted her right off her feet. He stumbled a few steps forward with her in his arms, his lips possessive over hers, and pinned her up against the door. Bella’s body was pliant under his. She ran her fingers up into his hair, pulling him closer. She hooked her bad leg up around his waist and pressed her body against his.

Only when he needed to breathe did Edward stop. He had to clear his head. He knew how much his brother’s reappearance was playing into his actions right then. He had an urge, an insatiable itch, to possess Bella, to make visceral this knowledge in him she was his. He wanted to feel it on his skin as well as in his heart. She was his and he was hers, and he wanted to prove it with his hands, his mouth, his body.

But he didn’t want to invite his brother into their bed. He didn’t want it to be about that, about the only bit of control he had left in his spinning world. He tilted his forehead against hers and kissed the tip of her nose as he tried to catch his breath.

When he opened his eyes, he found hers on him. Such a warm, inviting brown. Alive, and when they looked at him or their daughter, adoring. Her look tamed that feral beast inside him, sated his need for ownership. He didn’t own her and wouldn’t want to. She chose to walk with him, and that was a gift he would never take for granted.

Bella took his face in her hands. Her thumbs stroked over his cheeks. They had so much to talk about, but when she began to kiss him, her lips soft and slow, he let his thoughts slip away. He got his arms around her, cupping her ass as he pulled her up against him. She walked him backward and pushed him to sit on the bed, leaning down to keep their lips attached as she stood in front of him.

Edward made quick work of her pants and his. Bella straddled him and raised her arms so he could peel her shirt off. His hands were on her body, running up her side. As always, she felt incredible under his fingertips. How well he knew this body, how well he knew her. He dipped his head to take her nipple in his mouth. The way she whimpered was at once familiar and titillating. He knew how to stroke her, how to coax the hoarse cry of his name to tumble from her lips.

And Bella, in turn, knew him inside and out. She knew how he liked the scratch of her nails down his back. She knew how to touch him, how to get him hot and hard. She could make it last minutes or draw it out until he begged.

That night they seemed to be on the same page. He wanted to be inside her. He needed it with a desperation that crawled on his skin. It wasn’t about ownership but consumption. He wanted to drown in her, with her-- to forget anything outside this perfect union existed.

When she slipped down onto him, her arms around his neck and his around her body, he was home.

Bella tilted her head back so he could kiss her neck. She cupped his face in her hands, bringing his head up so she could swallow his pants and moans.

When he felt her begin to tighten around him, Edward rested his head on her shoulder. He quickened his pace, his hands digging into her hips. “Love you,” she said against his lips. Her words, her breathless voice, shot straight through him, and he felt the coil of orgasm wind tighter.

He pressed his hand over her mouth to muffle the sound of her cries as she spasmed around him, and she kissed him to muffle his when he followed her.

They stilled while they caught their breath, arms lazy where they fell, hers on his shoulders and his wrapped around her. He swayed them both back and forth a moment before he raised his head to look at her.

The look in her eyes was a reflection of his own thoughts. They needed to talk.

Still, they were both quiet as they got to their feet. Bella winced, favoring her left leg as usual. Her residual pain and the limp he’d long since gotten used to brought back a shadow of the maelstrom of his thoughts earlier that evening. As they got into their night clothes, he tried to find words for his fears and his anger. He had complex feelings about his brother’s return.

Finally, when they were both in bed curled under the covers, lying side by side looking at each other, Edward was ready to speak.

“Do you hate him for everything he did to you?”

Bella pressed her lips together and studied him hard for a long moment before she answered. “No.”

Edward chuffed.

“It doesn’t mean I’m not angry or that I forgive him. It doesn’t mean I like the idea of letting him anywhere near Kaylee. The idea that he could hurt her like he hurt everyone else...I’d kill him myself before I let that happen. But no. I don’t hate him. How could I after what happened with my dad?

“My dad should have been there to take care of me instead of the other way around. He should have. It sucks that he wasn’t. It absolutely isn’t fair, but at the same time, I know how much he wanted to be. He tried. He failed, but he tried. In the end his demons won. They robbed him of a life he wanted to live, a person he wanted to be. I mean, I saw that he fought. He fought hard and he fought alone. He still lost.

“Then, when I met Jasper, I was a stupid, eighteen-year-old kid who thought she could make up for not saving her father by saving this beautiful, damaged man.”

“You weren’t stupid,” Edward said, his voice fervent.

Bella cupped her hand against his cheek. “I recognized his demons. That was what attracted me to him in the first place. I didn’t run away from them. I ran right for them.”

“But he-”

She put her finger to his lips. “I think my point is, what I had with Jasper was never about us. It was me fulfilling a need in an unhealthy way. And I kept coming back, Edward. I would reach my limit and walk away from him, and then I would just go right back thinking this time, this time we would do it. We would conquer his addiction together.” Her voice wavered. “I wanted to help him so badly.” She sighed. “But do you see? I made some very poor choices because my past left me with a hole inside myself I couldn’t figure out how to fill. My thing was Jasper. His thing was drugs. How can I hate him when I know he just made a different mistake than I did? How can I hate him when I know it would have taken just a twist of circumstance for me to fill that hole with alcohol like my father or drugs like Jasper? I don’t hate him, and I’m not going to waste my energy on that when it won’t help us.” She brushed her thumbs over his his cheeks. “And how can I hate him when I have you and Kaylee because I had him?”

Edward’s lips quirked. He hated that he had his brother to thank for his family. It was one of life’s cruel ironies.

Bella’s eyes, as she looked on him then, were pleading. “The Jasper I knew didn’t want to hurt me or Kaylee. What does he want now?”

Edward took a deep breath, guilt stirring in the pit of his stomach. “I don’t know.”

He told her about what had happened at his parents’ house, the things he had said and what little he gave Jasper the chance to say. Her expression was contemplative as he spoke, and he couldn’t read what she might have thought of about the whole scene.

“I’ve thought about that a lot...what I would say to him if I saw him again,” Bella said. Her lips tugged down, and he could see the worry on her face. “I guess I’ll find out.”

Edward bristled. “I don’t want you anywhere near him.”

Bella raised her eyes to his. “I know you don’t.”

She didn’t say that she wouldn’t go, and really, he hadn’t expected her to. He closed his eyes and counted to ten before he tried again. “Can I come with you when you see him?”

“I need you there with me.” She ran her fingers along his cheek, down to his chin. “But we need to be the rational ones. We need to listen without screaming.”

“That’s asking a lot.” Edward pressed his tongue to the roof of his mouth. Even imagining his brother’s face in his mind sent a rush of boiling hot rage through him. “I suppose I can’t punch him either.”

The side of her lip lifted ever so slightly. "Think of your mother."

Edward ducked his head. "You're right. Of course you're right. That was one of the things I could never stand about Jasper. He made Mom cry. But tonight, I was the one who did that. I made her anything but proud."

"You make her proud every day."

Edward brushed his nose with hers. "Okay. We'll go tomorrow and we'll listen. " He furrowed his eyebrows. "But if he hurts you or Kaylee, I reserve the right to kill him."

"We both will. Together. I won't make my mother's mistake either. I won't let Kaylee's life be tainted by his disease."

"We won't. "

"We." She twisted the wedding band on his finger. "Our life is about to change, but we'll get through it together. Partners, remember.?"

He kissed her soundly. "Always."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Nothing like a little sex to calm ya down, right? :) Many thanks to songster, jfka06, and barburella. 
> 
> A little calm before the storm maybe? Hmm. We’ll find out.


	5. Rock Bottom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Okay, friends. Who’s ready for this? Not Jasper, I’ll tell you that much. *holds your hand*

Jasper couldn’t remember the last time he’d really slept. Since he’d written the letter to Bella telling her he was coming home two and a half weeks ago, he’d slept fitfully at best and last night not at all.

 

Alice had been an angel about everything, as usual. She’d stayed on the phone with him for three hours, letting him ramble--god, he hadn’t made even a little bit of sense at first--talking him off a ledge.

 

His body still remembered the sweet relief using would bring. Relief from this debilitating guilt, the overwhelming sensation that he’d done too much wrong. There was too much that needed to be fixed, and dammit, how did people deal with this kind of stress without wishing it all away?

 

When the first light of dawn started to creep across the sky, he got up and went for a run. He ran until his lungs felt raw and his muscles screamed. He ran until his stomach churned, and he very nearly lost whatever bile had accumulated in his empty stomach. He jogged back to his parents’ house at a slower pace.

 

Once he was back, he showered. He turned the water up to scalding in an attempt to burn away the feeling that had settled on his skin. Filthy. He was filthy with it, and it was too much. It was as though he was carrying everyone’s emotions in his head, in his heart--each of them a separate weight on his chest. Edward’s fury. Emmett’s wariness. His parents’ sadness and disappointment.

 

He showered until the water ran cold.

 

When he was dressed again, he wandered into the kitchen and cleaned every dish in the sink by hand. Exhausted, he sank down in a chair at the table and laid his head in his arms, breathing in the scent of his own clean skin and trying not to think.

 

In therapy, he’d been taught many coping mechanisms. One of the first tenets of addiction was to acknowledge cravings were normal. They were part of the reality of being an addict. He knew they would pass if he could only breathe through it. And that was part of the problem here. One of the best ways to stop craving was to run away--remove himself from the triggering situation.

 

This whole house, his family, they were one big trigger.

 

Jasper stretched one hand out and flexed his fist. He was trembling. Shaking with need. His throat was closing and the vice grip around his lungs tightening. Unbearable. There was no way he could get through this without-

 

A creak from upstairs made Jasper gasp. He was disoriented briefly until he remembered where he was. He straightened up, trying to steady his breath. He rubbed his temples, trying to ease the tension there. By the time the footsteps fell on the stairs, he was still shaking, but at least he wasn’t hyperventilating.

 

Carlisle’s sigh of relief drew his attention. “Oh, good. You’re here.”

 

Jasper raised his head. “Did you expect me not to be?”

 

His stepfather’s face said it all, and Jasper put his head back down on the table. “I guess that’s a really stupid question.”

 

“You weren’t in your room…”

 

“I get it.”

 

“It’s just if your mother has to lose you-”

 

“I said I get it.”

 

With his cheek resting against the tabletop, Jasper couldn’t see Carlisle. He heard him step closer and heard the scrape of the chair against wood flooring when he pulled out the seat across from him.

 

“Are you okay, son?”

 

Jasper laughed. The sound was vaguely maniacal.

 

“I meant to say you’re shaking,” Carlisle said, ever patient. “And you’re very pale.”

 

Jasper straightened up again though he still didn’t look at his stepfather. “Craving. It’ll pass.” He took a deep breath and hurried on before he could think about what a big lie that was. “Are you sure it wouldn’t be better for everyone if I just disappeared?”

 

Carlisle was silent for a full five seconds. “Are you asking me that seriously?”

 

“No. Yes.” Jasper flexed his fists in quick, sporadic motions. “I know it wouldn’t be good for Mom, but Kaylee…” His breath cut off in a huff at his daughter’s name.

 

His daughter. He had a three-year-old daughter.

 

There was the scraping sound again, and when Jasper glanced up, he saw that Carlisle was rummaging through the junk drawer. He walked back to the table and pressed something squishy into Jasper’s hand.

 

A stress doll. Jasper squeezed it, watching the eyes bulge out.

 

“It wouldn’t be good for me either,” Carlisle said, his tone soft.

 

“What?”

 

“If you disappeared again. It wouldn’t be good for me. It would hurt me a lot. It did hurt me a lot.”

 

Jasper stared down at the doll. Squeeze, bulge. Squeeze, bulge.

 

“I’ve never thought of you as my stepson, Jasper. I still don’t. As far as I’m concerned, I have three sons.”

 

Once, back in the clinic he’d lived at for several weeks, Jasper had come back to his room to find his roommate sobbing. Peter was the tough-as-nails type. He thought to show emotion was to show weakness, yet there he was, crying like a baby.

 

“My girl, man. Charlotte. Jesus God, I did such fucked up shit to her. She said today she still loves me and…” His breath hitched. “And she forgave me. She forgave me. Why? I’m a piece of shit, man. Why would she do that?” He punched at his mattress. “And why does it hurt? It hurts.”

 

Jasper’s eyes stung, and his throat closed with a very different kind of emotion. It hurt. It was a pain deep in his chest.

 

Love was physically painful to those who didn’t think they deserved it.

 

“I, um…” Jasper’s voice was thin with tears he didn’t want to shed. He sniffed hard and squeezed the hell out of the stress doll. “Kaylee… I mean, Edward and Bella… She has a mommy and daddy, you know? Me being here… doesn’t it just fuck everything up for her? Wouldn’t it be better for her if I didn’t exist?”

 

“But you do exist. That can’t be undone.” Carlisle tilted his head, and Jasper wondered how he could talk about this so rationally. “What did you think was going to happen if you never came back? What do you think is going to happen if you run off again? Do you think Kaylee would never know about you? You’re still Edward and Emmett’s brother, my and Esme’s son. You exist, Jasper. Even if you weren’t here to explain it all to her one day, you’d still exist.”

 

“Yeah.” Squeeze, bulge. Squeeze bulge. “I know. I know that.” Leaving the first time had been cowardice. He could try to justify leaving again all he wanted, make it sound as altruistic as he could, and it would still be cowardice made worse by the fact he tried to come home at all. He took a deep breath and forced himself to look Carlisle in the eyes. “I’m not going to leave again. You have my word. I know that’s probably next to worthless, but it’s all I have.”

 

Carlisle offered his hand. “I’ll take it.”

 

Jasper blinked at him, too shocked to move at first. He stared at his hand, not quite able to make his brain connect the dots. Slowly, he put his hand in Carlisle’s, and they shook.

 

“I’m holding you to that,” Carlisle said.

 

Jasper allowed himself one small smile. “Yes, sir.”

 

"Good. Let's talk about your long term plans then."

**~0~**

Edward called Carlisle mid-morning to ask if he and Bella could come over that afternoon. That left Jasper three hours to wear a hole in his mother’s carpet as he paced the length of the living room. Esme tried several times to get him to eat, but he couldn’t.

 

“Starting over isn’t supposed to be easy,” Alice had told him the night before.

 

When Edward and Bella pulled up, Esme and Carlisle had to leave. That was the deal Edward made. He and Bella would talk if Esme and Carlisle took Kaylee somewhere far away from Jasper. Not that Jasper could blame them.

 

Esme kissed his cheek and hugged him tightly. She looked like she wanted to say something, but there was nothing to be said. None of them knew what their near future looked like, and that was Jasper’s fault. He knew the position he was putting his parents in. They loved and supported their sons unconditionally. Who were they supposed to support when one son wanted the exact opposite of the other?

 

“We love you,” Esme said.

 

Weak as it was, Jasper smiled. “I know, Mom.”

 

He hugged his mother one more time, and when Carlisle clasped his shoulder in a show of silent support, he hugged him, too. His parents both looked apologetic as they slipped out the door, closing it and leaving Jasper behind.

 

Jasper tried to make himself go wait by the couch, but in the end, he stepped over to the window. He crooked one finger around the curtain and pulled it back, sneaking a peek at the scene in the driveway.

 

His eyes found Edward first. He was standing with his arms crossed over his chest, his posture protective. Jasper wanted to feel proud of his little brother. He was a grown man with a family. Good job too, Carlisle had told him the night before. Right after graduation. They were paying for him to get his Master’s, so he was juggling work, school, and being a daddy.

 

If anyone could excel at all of it, it was Edward.

 

Of course, Jasper would have recognized the small form beside him anywhere. Bella too had changed. She was doing well on her own. With Edward and his family to help with Kaylee, she’d finished school. Her job was decent enough and the house she and Edward lived in was hers free and clear -- the only gift her father could give her.

 

She’d been twenty when Jasper took off. At twenty-three, she still looked painfully young. What in the hell had he thought he was doing being with her in the first place? He’d known she was good and pure when they met. She reminded him so much of his mother, only she didn’t look at him with guilt in her eyes the way Esme did. Yet she had her own darkness. Alone in the world at eighteen with an absentee mother and a dead, alcoholic father. He’d liked that he could make her happy.

 

What happiness he gave her was fleeting.

 

Jasper saw the way she angled her body toward Edward and he toward her. As they talked to Carlisle and Esme, she touched Edward’s arm and instantly some of the tension eased from his frame. He spared her a glance, a small smile, and took her hand.

 

Tense as they obviously were about meeting with him, Jasper could see they were happy. He squeezed his hands at his sides and gritted his teeth. He closed his eyes and breathed in deep. He knew he had no right to the anger that was bubbling up in his gut, but he was only human.

 

He’d always known his little brother had a thing for his girlfriend. Back then it had amused him. His baby brother with a schoolboy crush. Jasper hadn’t been concerned. He was cocky enough back then he didn’t stop to think he wasn’t the better brother. He hadn’t stopped to think Edward and Bella had much more in common. They were the same age, cared about the same things. When they were together, Edward didn’t have to try to make her smile. He still remembered how they would talk for hours. It was cute, he’d thought.

 

But then, when he kept screwing up, Jasper started to get the feeling Edward thought he was better than him. He didn’t make a secret that he thought Bella was too good for Jasper. He’d been right, but that didn’t do anything to soothe Jasper’s wounded ego.

 

When he came back home, he’d come knowing he couldn’t have Bella back. He’d hoped she’d found a decent man who was good to her.

 

Why did it have to be his little brother?

 

Jasper swallowed down the thick lump in his throat reminding himself that Edward was like Bella. He was good, pure. He was everything she deserved, and human though it was, his indignation wasn’t about anything tangible. Nothing had been stolen from him.

 

When he opened his eyes, Bella was leaning in the backseat of her car. Jasper caught a glimpse of small arms and blond hair. His breath left his body, and he had to spread his hand against the wall. He couldn’t really see her, but the baby, his baby, was right there. Alive. Real.

 

Bella pulled back and Edward took her place. Jasper’s heart twisted.

 

Not his baby.

 

He backed away from the window and waited.

 

It was only a few moments after he heard the car rev and back down the driveway that the front door opened.

 

They stared at each other for long enough Jasper thought he would go insane waiting for either one of them to speak or do something, but he’d sworn to himself he would let her react first.

 

He knew she was upset. Stiff posture, the hand she didn’t have joined with Edward’s twisting in her long shirt. But mostly, it was the tears in her eyes. He still knew enough about Bella to remember she cried when she was furious, and it rolled off her in waves then.

 

But after a long, tense minute, Bella sucked in a breath. “What happened to your face?” Her tone was clipped.

 

Jasper huffed, barely covering a shocked laugh. He’d imagined this reunion countless times, but he’d never imagined she’d start there. “I, um… Rock bottom.”

 

“Rock bottom?”

 

“Yeah. I woke up in a hospital a little over a year ago with this.” He gestured to the scars, a trio of them, on his face. “And, uh…” He pulled his shirt up to show the ugly scar at his side.

 

Even Edward gasped. Jasper looked up at his brother. “You almost got your wish.”

 

Edward’s cheek twitched. “I’m not going to apologize for what I said.”

 

“I didn’t ask you to.” Jasper took a shaky breath, brushing off the sting of his brother’s cruel words. He still got to ache, he thought, but now wasn’t the time to acknowledge his own pain.

 

“What happened?” Bella asked.

 

Jasper looked down to his feet. He walked the few steps to the couch and dropped down on one end. “I wish I knew. I mean… I guess I know.” He pulled his sleeves up to show a scattering of other scars. “I was… At that point I was living on the street, mostly.” He wondered where Carlisle’s stress doll had gotten to. He stared straight forward and dug his fingernails into his palm. “There were a lot of fights. I don’t know. It made sense at the time, I guess. I don’t remember the ones that almost killed me, but...” He shrugged.

 

“That’s what it took for you to get clean? Almost dying?”

 

There was more to it than that. Even waking up half-dead in the hospital, Jasper counted the days until he could get back out there. What did he have to live for, after all? He cleared his throat. “Yeah.”

 

He heard soft footfalls and he jumped when a thin album landed on the coffee table in front of him. He didn’t look up. Small though she was in stature, for as low as he felt, Bella’s presence standing over him was almost unbearably intimidating. It was enough to set his hands to shaking. He had the worst feeling he knew exactly what was in this album. He reached out to turn the first page.

 

Even though he’d been half expecting it, nothing could have prepared him for what he saw. A tiny baby, not pleasingly chubby or, at least, filled out like any newborn he’d ever seen. No. This baby was thin and scrawny. Her skin was the same paper thin quality of an old person’s hand. Most heartbreakingly of all, she was covered, covered, in tubes and wires. She even had some kind of skull cap keeping a grotesque looking breathing tube in place.

 

Jasper’s throat constricted. He put a hand to his mouth and pressed hard, as though he could contain the crushing emotion that rolled over him then. His heart pounded hard in his ears. He ran trembling fingertips over the still image, wishing with everything in him he could take that baby girl and make her better by will alone.

 

Off to his side, Bella took a shaky breath. “I need you to understand exactly what you walked away from. What you left me to deal with. And I need… I need to understand why she wasn’t enough. Why was this not your rock bottom? If it had just been me, I get that, but why her? Why wasn’t she a good enough reason to get clean?”

 

“She was. You were. You were both worth it. I just…” Jasper couldn’t continue. He bowed his head and squeezed his eyes tightly shut as tears overwhelmed him.

 

“No. You don’t get to do that.” Edward’s words came out as a snarl. He shoved Jasper’s shoulder. “You don’t get to sit here all pathetic and pretend you’re sorry.”

 

Jasper stared at his brother. “I am sorry. I’m more sorry than I’ll ever be able to say.”

 

“Clearly. So sorry you’re back here looking for sympathy, looking for-”

 

“I came back here to say I was sorry, to face what I did. To explain. To-”

 

“To what? Make amends?” The derision in his little brother’s voice made Jasper clench his jaw. “This isn’t a Lifetime movie special. There are no amends for this, and I think you know that. What do you really want here?”

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

“You think I buy this altruistic, kick-my-ass-if-you-want-to bullshit?” Edward shook his head, his eyes on fire now. “You’re doing this for the same reason you’ve always done anything -- for you. So what is it you want? You think if you say you’re sorry, tell us some sad story about how it wasn’t you, it was the addiction, you’ll get to pick up where you left off with Bella and the baby?”

 

“That doesn’t even make sense. I didn’t know, okay? I came back here because I wanted my parents back. I wanted to be a son and a brother again. I didn’t know you and Bella had…”

 

“So sorry to throw a wrench in your plans. I suppose it would be a lot more convenient if Bella and Kaylee weren’t here.”

 

“I-”

 

“Okay!” Bella got between them, holding a palm out to each of them. “Edward, sit down.”

 

“Bella-”

 

“Sit.”

 

He huffed, but he sat. In another setting, it would have been hilarious. In another life, he might have teased his brother. In this reality, he glanced around for the damn stress doll because he was frustrated as all hell and heartbroken besides.

 

Bella sat next to Edward on the loveseat, her hand on his knee. “Jasper, I want to listen to you. I really do. But right now, there’s only one thing I want to know. I need to know before I can listen to anything.”

 

“What’s that?”

 

“What are your intentions toward Kaylee?”

 

Jasper scrubbed a hand over his aching eyes. “Ah, hell. I don’t know. What I was trying to say earlier was I didn’t realize when I came back there’d be any reason for you to see me.” He wrung his hands. “I didn’t think she survived; how could I have figured you’d married my brother? I just didn’t know you’d have to… deal with me.”

 

“What are you saying?”

 

“I don’t know.” He breathed in and out slowly. “I know I’m not fit to be anyone’s father if that’s what you’re asking.” He squeezed his fingers so tight it hurt. “I know I don’t deserve to be her father.”

 

“You aren’t her father,” Edward said through gritted teeth.

 

Jasper winced. “Yeah. But that being said, I’m also not going anywhere.”

 

Edward scoffed. “Right.”

 

Jasper spread his hands wide. “I’m here to stay. There’s a lot I have to figure out, but I’m not leaving again. Not ever. Not like that. So I guess that means we’re going to have to figure out how to deal with each other.”

 

The room fell silent at that. Jasper could only deal with the quiet for a few seconds before he hurried on. “As far as Kaylee, I’ll play by your rules. I...I want to meet her. I want to know her.”

 

More silence. He could tell they didn’t like it, but they weren’t arguing either. Under the circumstances, he’d take it.

 

He had so many questions. He wanted to ask Bella about her leg. He wanted to know about her life and Kaylee’s and everything he’d missed. He wanted to know if she thought she would ever be able to get to a place where she could forgive him. None of his questions were fair right then, and so he kept his mouth shut when Bella said she needed time to think.

 

“Dinner. After work. We’ll come for dinner,” she said.

 

Jasper bit his tongue to keep from asking if she would bring Kaylee. He would find out. “Yeah. Whatever. Whenever you need.”

 

He sat still, watching them as they got up. A few seconds after they left, he realized they’d forgotten the album of Kaylee’s first pictures. He debated only a moment before he darted after them.

 

“Give it back to me at dinner,” Bella said, and the look in her eyes was clear. She wanted him to know beyond a shadow of a doubt what he left her to face alone. Sick as the idea made him, he understood. That was what this part was all about--truly understanding what he’d done and how it made his loved ones feel.

 

“Bella.” She turned to him, and Jasper swallowed hard. “Kaylee… Did she… After all that, is she okay now?”

 

Bella gave him a small, sad smile. “She’s just fine. A touch of asthma.”

 

Jasper could have sagged to the ground he was so relieved. “Good. That’s good.”

  
Edward tugged her hand then, and Bella let him pull her away. When Jasper waved as they backed down the drive, his little brother studiously ignored him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Many thanks to barburella, jfka06, and jessypt for always thoughtful conversations. Oh, my docs are a lovely place. I love a good discussion.
> 
> Send good thoughts in songster’s direction for me, yeah? Much love. 
> 
> Okay. So. How are we all doing? Thoughts? Fears? Jasper check?


	6. New Normal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Two smaller chapters instead of one larger one… but onward!

It was surreal how normality snapped back like a rubber band when Carlisle and Esme brought Kaylee home. One minute they were both tense, both still shaken and uncertain, the next Kaylee was bounding through the door with a smile on her face as though nothing was wrong. In her little world, nothing was wrong. She’d had a lovely couple of hours out with her beloved grandparents. She dragged a reusable shopping bag full of goodies behind her as she scampered in their direction, and it likely didn’t enter into her conscious thought at all that her parents had done anything in her absence.

 

“Daddy. Mommy. Look. Grandma and Grandpa bought me things!”

 

“Grandma and Grandpa bought you more things? Well, imagine my unending surprise,” Edward said as he scooped his daughter up into his arms. “Grandma and Grandpa never get you things.”

 

Kaylee giggled, a high pitched, sweet sound that lit Edward’s world from the inside out. “You silly, Daddy. They get me things all the time.”

 

“Oh, right. Right. Those grandparents.” He peppered Kaylee’s face with kisses until she giggled again. “Hmm. You taste like ice cream.” Holding her at arm’s length, he clucked. “Sugar, you’re all sticky. Why don’t you ask Mommy to help you change, hmm? I need to talk to Grandma and Grandpa.”

 

“Okay.” Kaylee reached her arms out for her mother.

 

Bella shifted Kaylee easily to one hip and reached a hand out to caress Edward’s cheek--her quiet reminder they were on the same team even though the discussion between them had been heated. “Hold on tight to your new treasures, baby bird.”

 

Watching his wife and daughter disappear upstairs, Edward thought back to a time when they weren’t his.

 

_Between her injuries and Kaylee’s condition, Bella hadn’t been able to see the baby with her own eyes for three days after her birth. She hadn’t been able to hold the tiny girl, but now, five days later, it was finally time. Bella was practically vibrating with nerves and eagerness. Edward, sitting in his now customary spot by her bedside, reached out automatically to squeeze her arm. It wasn’t the first time he’d touched her so casually, but Edward was aware of his mother’s sharp eyes following his hand. Edward shifted in his seat and drew his hand back, twisting his fingers instead in the edge of Bella’s blanket._

 

_“Same as before, you’ll be able to bring one person with you,” the doctor said._

 

_Bella took a deep breath. “Okay.” She glanced around the room, but her eyes lingered on his. “Edward. Will you come with me?”_

 

_Edward’s heart skipped a beat. He’d fully expected her to ask his mother. “Is that what you want?”_

 

_“Yeah.” Emotional as she was, her voice shook when she spoke. She looked again at Carlisle and Esme, her glance furtive. “I’m sorry. I wish I could take all of you, but-”_

 

_“It’s okay, sweetheart,” Carlisle said. He stepped to her side and squeezed her shoulder comfortingly. “Whatever you need. There’s time for the rest of us.”_

 

_“Time,” she repeated and sniffled._

 

_Ignoring his mother’s sharp gaze, Edward found Bella’s hand and twined their fingers together. “She’s doing well, Bella. She’ll be fine. I’ll go. Of course I’ll go with you.”_

 

_Her smile was watery._

 

_“We’re ready then?” the doctor asked._

 

_Bella sniffled again and nodded._

 

_A trio of nurses and orderlies came forward then to help Bella out of her bed and into a wheelchair. Edward wasn’t at all surprised when his mother pulled him to the furthest corner of the room._

 

_“Edward, I know you’re very upset at your brother. We all are, but he’ll be back soon.”_

 

_“Oh, I hope he comes back,” Edward said through gritted teeth. He was careful to keep his tone low and even. His fingers flexed at his side. “I have a few things I want to say to him.”_

 

_Esme sighed. “What I’m trying to say is, there’s a lot of wrong in this whole situation. Be careful not to add to it.”_

 

_“What are you talking about?”_

 

_“I know Bella is your friend, and you’re hurting for her. She’s very vulnerable right now-”_

 

_“No kidding. And whose fault is that?”_

 

_“No one is downplaying Jasper’s part in this. Still, be careful you don’t overstep your boundaries.” Esme wrapped her fingers around his wrist, her tone still gentle. “Do you understand what I’m saying?”_

 

_There was a lot Edward could have said. He wanted to deny her subtle accusation outright, but he couldn’t. His mother knew him too well. As far as Edward was concerned, Jasper shouldn’t have the right to call Bella or the baby his, but that didn’t mean they were Edward’s by default._

 

_He jerked his head in a nod at his mother. “I would never push her, and I’m not trying to confuse her. She needs all our support right now, and if she wants me with her, I’m not going to argue with that. I’m not leaving her side until she orders me away.”_

 

_Esme brushed her fingers through his hair. “I know. I know you wouldn’t hurt her on purpose. Just be careful, Edward. This is such a complicated situation.”_

 

_“Coming, Edward?” the nurse asked._

 

_Edward looked away from his mother over to where Bella watched him with an anxious expression. He pushed away everything else in his head and smiled a reassuring smile. “Of course,” he said as he stepped to her side._

 

Edward shook off the memory as he turned to his parents in the present time. They didn’t say a word at first. His mother hugged him, and when she let go, his father followed suit. Edward hugged them both back just as fiercely, swallowing down the thickness in his throat as he stepped back. “I need to know.” His voice rasped as he spoke, and he couldn’t bring himself to look them in the eyes. “I really need to know now. If it came to a fight. If Jasper tried to get his rights to Kaylee back, whose side would you be on?”

 

Esme gasped, but it was Carlisle who spoke. “Is that what Jasper decided? Is that what he really wants?”

 

“No.” Edward grimaced. “No. He said he doesn’t know what he wants except he wants to meet her. But you know what the lawyer said. Under the circumstances he left, if he didn’t know the baby survived, he has a chance to get her back.” He forced himself to look his parents in the eyes. “And if he had our lawyers--your lawyers, your support--he’d have a damn good chance.”

 

“But he hasn’t said he wouldn’t do that,” Esme said.

 

“No, Mom, but I need to know. I need to know now. Who would you choose? Me or him?”

 

“Edward. Don’t raise your voice at your mother,” his father admonished.

 

Edward closed his eyes and took a step backward, forcing himself to take a deep breath. “I’m sorry. That was out of line. I just…”

 

“Come on. Let’s all sit down.” Carlisle put his arm around his wife and gestured that Edward should lead the way to the living room. “Then you can tell us what happened from the beginning.”

 

He had just finished summing up their conversation with Jasper when Bella came back downstairs without Kaylee. “I put on The Little Mermaid,” she said by way of explanation.

 

Kaylee would be mesmerized for an hour and a half. The would likely have to put up with her singing for days on end, but she was adequately distracted.

 

“Regardless of Jasper’s intentions, he’s right about one thing,” Carlisle said. “He’s home for good now, and you’re going to have to learn how to deal with each other amicably.”

 

Edward laughed, a sound entirely without humor. “So you believe him. You think he’s actually going to stick around this time?”

 

“He wasn’t prone to disappearing before. He’s only done it the one time,” Esme said.

 

“For three years.” Edward closed his eyes and took a deep breath, forcing himself to lower his voice lest he draw Kaylee’s attention. “And dependable wasn’t exactly on his list of defining characteristics before that.”

 

“What would you have us do?” Carlisle asked. “He asked to stay with us. He asked for our support.”

 

“And you gave it, no questions asked.”

 

“On the contrary, we asked a lot of questions. He gave me, he gave both of us, his word he wouldn’t leave again.”

 

“Okay, so he gets to stay. Great. But what about the other thing? The thing none of us is even talking about?”

 

His father knew where he was going. “He’s clean now. That I believe absolutely.”

 

“Now, sure. Everytime he swore he’d get clean, that he’d stay clean,you always believed him; we all did, and he let us down every time. Every single time.”

 

“Edward.” Carlisle put both his hands on Edward’s shoulders and looked him square in the eyes. “None of us has the luxury of denial anymore. Jasper is going to stumble. He’s going to mess up somewhere along the line.  And yes, ultimately, he might fail, but I’m not going to expect it to happen. He needs us.”

 

“Tough."

 

"It's your choice whether or not you can be part of your brother's support system." Carlisle looked to Bella. "You both have the most reason not to forgive him. But he's a part of our family.” He gestured between himself and Esme. “He is welcome in our home as long as he’s on the straight and narrow. I would hope you can at least listen to him tomorrow night, hear him out, before you make a decision that will affect how all of us can interact.”

 

“And if he decides he wants to play daddy?”

 

This time it was his mother who answered. She reached past Carlisle to put her hand on Edward’s knee. “I honestly don’t think it will come to a fight. Your brother was a lot of disappointing things, but he’s never been cruel. If you can find it in your heart to listen, I think you’ll see he’s struggling to start all over. He doesn’t know where he fits with us anymore. He’s not going to want to upset Kaylee’s life.”

 

On his other side, Bella took his hand. “We agreed to listen.”

 

“ _You_ agreed to listen,” Edward said.

 

Bella fixed him with a cool stare. “We’ve talked about this already. There’s no point in jumping to conclusions. I’ll hear him out even if you won’t. If you’re so sure he’s going to fail, I’d rather let him build his own fire. What’s the point of antagonizing him? What’s the point of us making it ugly?”

 

Edward pushed to his feet and began to pace. “You’re all so ready to forgive him.”

 

“No. I know I’m not. I’m nowhere close to forgiving him, and I think you know that,” Bella said.

 

“But you want to.”

 

“It’s a long way off, but I would prefer it, yes.”

 

Edward shook his head. “Well, I would prefer he went the hell away.”

 

“You don’t mean that,” Esme said. She sounded heartbroken. As much as Edward hated being the one to put that hurt in her voice, he was also too angry to apologize. “He’s still your brother.”

 

“I don’t get a choice in that.”

 

“It’s the control, isn’t it?” Carlisle’s tone was still even, calm, though he rubbed Esme’s shoulder as he spoke. “It’s never comfortable when something is out of your control, and it’s all the more terrifying when there’s a child involved. Edward, I hope it goes without saying that you have your mother and my full support. No matter what happens, this is never going to be about you versus Jasper. You’re Kaylee’s father. That’s not something Jasper can erase any more than you can erase her biology.”

 

“Think about what you’re wishing for, if not for you then for your parents,” Bella said. “Jasper is their baby. What if it was Kaylee? What if we lost her and then we got her back?”

 

Anger and terror chased themselves down Edward’s spine. Losing Kaylee was exactly what he was so afraid of. “Our baby is an innocent.”

 

“But she won’t always be.”

 

Edward opened his mouth and shut it just as quickly.

 

“You can’t imagine what a struggle it’s been to have him back,” Esme said. “Even right now, sitting here with you, I’m terrified we’re going to go home and find him gone. I don’t trust him, Edward. I don’t trust my own son. There are so many answers I need, and I want all of them right now. But sweetheart, it’s only been a couple of days. Less. None of us really knows what we’re doing.

 

“What I do know is I love you. You, Bella, Kaylee. I love Jasper, too.” She sniffled and reached for him. Edward stopped his pacing and held her hand, squeezing probably too tightly. “Our family has always been stronger together. We’re going to be okay. Our normal is changing again, that’s all.” She brushed her thumb over his knuckles. “You remember the last time normal changed. It was so hard, but look how it all turned out.”

 

Edward gave his mother an exasperated look, but his lips twitched upward. He sat down again and rubbed his tired eyes. “I hear you.”

 

“I love you.”

 

“I know, Mom. I love you, too."

 

"We're here for you. Do you hear that?" Carlisle asked.

 

Edward took another deep breath. "Yeah."

 

A new normal.

 

Edward considered the possibility after his parents left. He thought about it as he played with his little girl, helped Bella give her a bath, and then cuddled with his wife on the couch as they relaxed before the long work week ahead. He kissed the top of Bella’s hair and sighed.

 

Before his brother reappeared, he and Bella were trying to decide if now was too soon to have another baby.

  
He liked the old normal just fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Many thanks to jessypt and barburella. Jfka06 is my musette. She has caught the plague from me from thousands of miles away. Send get well thoughts toward her! And me too. *hack hack hack*
> 
> Okay. Dinner next time. Promise.


	7. Dinner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I forgot to thank you all for voting for me in the fandom choice awards. What a great surprise and honor. I love my time here, and I’m glad you seem to enjoy it too.
> 
> For reference, the Serenity Prayer--used often in AA and NA and all that good jazz--goes as follows:
> 
> God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,  
> The courage to change the things I can,  
> And wisdom to know the difference.

“Alice, why do you put up with me?”

 

“Oh, Jasper.” On the other end of the phone, Alice sighed. “I don’t think you’re ready to talk about that yet. Don’t try to change the subject. You have something on your mind. Talk.”

 

She knew him so well.

 

Jasper blew out a long breath. He held his phone to one ear while he used his free hand to flip through the photo album Bella had given him for the millionth time. Reaching the end, he traced the last picture with the tip of his finger. It was the day Bella had finally been able to bring Kaylee home from the hospital. The baby girl in the picture was fast asleep in a crib Jasper had put together, in a nursery he’d helped Bella paint.

 

“You know how they say a man doesn’t become a father until he sees his baby?” he asked Alice.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“That’s bullshit. At least, it was for me.” He pulled the album up his body as he moved from a cross-legged position to lay down on the bed. He cradled the closed album to his chest as he spoke again. “From the minute Bella told me she was pregnant, I was a father.”

 

Somewhere there were pictures of Bella with shy smiles, her hands pressed to the increasing bulge of her belly. He’d spent so many hours marvelling as their baby grew inside her, and she had always been patient with him. She let him take a million pictures and ran her fingers through his hair when he pressed his ear to her belly to talk to their baby.

 

“It’s been part of my identity for so long, you know?” he said to Alice. “These years I’ve been gone, I kept her in my heart. I talked about her so much in the clinic. My daughter who died. I never forgot.”

 

Never, except during drug-induced hazes when he forgot his own name, did he forget he had a baby. He’d carried the guilt and grief of her death with him for three years.

 

“Jasper, I can’t even imagine.”

 

He pressed the heel of his palm into his eyes and dug hard. “It’s just… When she was dead, she was mine. And I wouldn’t trade it. Of course I wouldn’t trade it. She’s alive and beautiful and happy.”

 

“But when she was dead, no one could take her away from you?”

 

His breath left him in a huff. “Yeah.” The word was small and broken. He closed his eyes against the sting of tears and pinched the bridge of his nose. He didn’t want to cry. He didn’t deserve to feel so sorry for himself.

 

“The things you can change,” Alice said reminding Jasper of the serenity prayer.

 

Alice knew damn well he didn’t like the prayer. No god was going to grant him the serenity; he was going to have to find it for himself. The effect was the same, though. There were things he couldn’t change, and the consequences of his actions were among them. He’d thought he was at least mentally prepared for what the fallout of his coming home would be, but the reality of it was so much more than he could bear.

 

“One step at a time. There’s plenty you can do.”

 

Alice was right, of course. Even if Edward hadn’t taken his place as Kaylee’s father, there would have been steps to take. One way or another, he had to get back on his feet, and that journey in and of itself wasn’t going to be easy.

 

“Yeah. I’m um…” He tried to think around the overwhelming sensation that came over him whenever he thought of everything he had to do. “Tomorrow. Mom’s taking some time off work to help me get whatever’s left of my finances in order.”

 

Jasper may have been a drug addict, but before the accident, he’d been a high functioning one. He had a BFA in Photomedia and a Master’s in Art History. He’d made a decent amount of money as a staff photographer for the Seattle Times, and he’d taken side gigs here and there. He hadn’t been hurting. It had taken him the better part of a year after he went off the deep end to run through his savings.

 

“I need to see if I can get my bank account reopened. If I have any kind of credit left at all.”

 

“Sounds like a good time.”

 

“Yeah.” The tension behind Jasper’s eyes and the grip around his lungs were beginning to ease. “Mom wants to pay for my counseling.”

 

The whole twelve-step program wasn’t the only game in town, and it had proved not to be a good fit for Jasper. He found one-on-one counseling to be much more effective.

 

“That’s a good thing.”

 

Jasper grumbled. “I don’t want my parents to have to pay for anything like that. It’s bad enough I have nothing left to give them now.”

 

“That will change. You’re going to look for a job, right?”

 

“Of course, but that’s exactly what I mean. I can wait to get counseling until after I have a job of my own to pay for it.”

 

“Jasper.”

 

“I’ve been okay these last few months without it.”

 

“You are in an intensely stressful situation right now, Jay, and that’s not going to change any time soon. You need more support than your parents can give you, especially because they’re part of your stress.”

 

“I have you.”

 

“Yes, of  course. You always have me, but I’m here. Let your parents help you with counseling. If not that, I know you hate those NA meetings, but it might help to find a proper sponsor. Someone who’s actually close by.”

 

“I know. You’re right. I know. I just hate this. I already owe you so much. I don’t want to owe them too.”

 

“We’ve talked about this. Right now, you have to think about what’s best for you as much as you can. No one else is responsible for that. I know you feel you owe me something. The best way you can pay me back is not to fail at this. I’ll bet your parents feel the same way. Let your mother help you. Take a break when you can get it, because you know damn well you’re not going to get many.”

 

Jasper thought of dinner and the hard look on Edward’s face.

 

“You don’t get to sit here all pathetic and pretend you’re sorry.”

 

“You’re right about that,” Jasper said to Alice.

**~0~**

That Monday, the third full day he’d been home, Jasper finally fell asleep. It was as though he hadn’t slept in years. He slept right through the morning. When he woke to the low light of late afternoon, he was still tired. Tired and confused.

 

“Oh, hell,” he muttered as he tried to disentangle himself from the cocoon of blankets. He rubbed his temples and tried to shake off the lethargy of his limbs.

 

The house was quiet when he emerged from his room, but he found his mother easily in her office. He wondered if she had any idea how grateful he was at the way a grin lit her face when she turned to see him in the doorway. She stood and wrapped her arms around him. Jasper leaned his forehead on her shoulder and let himself revel in the fact he could hug his mother again.

 

It had been a very lonely three years for him.

 

“You let me sleep,” he said when he could finally convince himself to let her go.

 

“Sweetheart, you were dead on your feet.” She rubbed his back and peered up at him. “How are you feeling? Are you hungry?”

 

He nodded and followed obediently after Esme as she went to the kitchen to make him a grilled cheese. He tried to help, but she pushed him gently down on the kitchen stool. “You’re so skinny. Let me take care of you,” she said.

 

Jasper sat and let her fuss. If she’d seen what he looked like a year and some months before, she would have been horrified. When he woke up in the hospital after being stabbed, he’d been skeletally thin. He’d filled out quite a bit since then.

 

“I’m sorry, Mom. I didn’t mean to waste your time today.”

 

“I always have plenty of work to keep me busy.”

 

Jasper ran his hand through his hair, irritated at himself. “Still, I’m not trying to be lazy. I wanted to get a few things done today.”

 

Esme smiled and reached out to touch his cheek. “It’ll wait just one more day.” She went back to chopping chunks of cheese. “Anyhow, you’re awake just in time to help me go shopping. I need to pick up a few things for dinner tonight.”

 

“Oh, Mom. You don’t have to cook. We could order pizza.”

 

She eyed him. “I want to cook. You still like my stroganoff, don’t you?”

 

He laughed. “In the clinic, they had this god awful stroganoff. It was clumpy and gray and gross. I missed you.”

 

“I would have been there, you know. In a heartbeat I would have been there.”

 

Jasper was quiet. He wanted to say he knew that, but he hadn’t. He’d been so plagued by guilt and doubt. In the clinic, he’d occasionally awoken from nightmares where his family slammed the door in his face and left him out to die in the freezing cold.

 

Esme exhaled in a quick gust. Jasper saw her eyes were glassy before she turned to the stove. “It’s Edward’s favorite, too, remember? It can’t hurt.”

 

Thinking of his youngest brother, Jasper sighed. “No. It can’t hurt.”

**~0~**

Emmett arrived with Edward and Bella. Rosalie, still not in the mood to see Jasper, stayed home with the kids including Kaylee. Jasper did his best to hide his disappointment, but he couldn’t say he was surprised. At least Edward and Bella both seemed calmer tonight. Tense but calm.

 

“Ground rule,” Bella said. She looked him in the eyes, her gaze steady.

 

“Okay,” Jasper said.

 

“I don’t want you to talk about Kaylee tonight. I know you have to have questions, but I can’t hear them. Not yet. I want to listen to you. I know that’s probably not fair, but you wanted to talk before you knew she was alive again, right?”

 

Jasper held his hands out in a placating motion. “I get it, Boo.”

 

The old endearment fell off his tongue without forethought, and he wished he could take it back instantly. Edward’s features twisted, and he stepped forward, his stance threatening. “You have no right.”

 

“It slipped out. I’m sorry.”

 

“Is this a game to you?”

 

Jasper narrowed his eyes at his brother. “What are you talking about? It was a slip of the tongue.”

 

“How convenient.”

 

“Actually, seeing as I wasn’t trying to set you off, it’s not really convenient at all. Is that what’s driving you so crazy about me? You hate any reminder that I was ever with Bella? Well, I can’t fucking erase that, and I wouldn’t want to. I regret a lot of things I’ve done. I’m sorry about all this hurt, but I don’t regret being with Bella. I can’t.”

 

“Oh, that’s great. You-”

 

Sick to death of his brother’s anger,  however well deserved, Jasper drew himself up to his full height. “What do you want from me, Edward? I can’t undo my existence. Only an idiot would promise that, so what do you want from me? You want to make it clear what a piece of shit I am, well guess what? I already know that. There’s not a damn thing you can say to me I haven’t already said to myself a thousand times over. I know. I get it. I fucked up.

 

“And I’m sorry that I’m how you met your wife, but honestly, look at the trade-off there. Bella looks at you in a way no one has ever looked at me. You’re twenty-four years old, and you have everything a man could want. You have a home, a family, a good job.”

 

“I worked hard for what I have.”

 

“I never said you didn’t. I just said you have it. You have an enviable life, and what do I have, huh? I’m thirty-one, and I have nothing to show for my life except scars and track marks.”

 

By then, Jasper’s shoulders had begun to sag again. He was so tired. He sighed as he looked his brother in the eyes. “Look, you have plenty to be pissed about. I get that. But don’t you think that maybe you could at least get past the fact your wife was my girlfriend? Give me that one small thing?”

 

Edward glared, his shoulders heaving, for several long, tense seconds, but he finally jerked his head in a nod. He let Bella pull him back to her side.

 

Esme let out a shaky breath. “Okay. Maybe we can eat now?”

 

Jasper, still tense, nearly jumped out of his skin when Emmett clamped a hand on his shoulder. “Come on. We’ll set the table.”

 

It was only Emmett’s hand guiding him that got Jasper’s feet to move again. He shuffled forward and tried to reorder his chaotic thoughts. He couldn’t make them gel, couldn’t think around the too-quick beat of his heart and the tremble of his limbs.

 

“Are you okay?” Emmett asked when he had pushed Jasper gently against the furthest wall.

 

Jasper’s answering laugh was weak. “You don’t have to do that.”

 

“Do what?”

 

“Be nice to me.”

 

“You’re right, I don’t have to do it.”

 

Jasper closed his eyes and breathed in deep a few times. “So why are you? Aren’t you angry too?”

 

“Do you want me to be?”

 

Jasper tilted his head up and opened his eyes to stare at the ceiling. “I just want the other foot to fall. Edward hates me. Bella… what I see in her eyes is half anger and half pity. Mom and Dad don’t trust me as far as they could throw me. They always seem surprised when I’m still here. Dad keeps staring right in my eyes. I think he’s trying to figure out if I’m high at any given moment.” He huffed. “I guess I’m just waiting for you to do whatever it is you’re going to do.”

 

Emmett was uncharacteristically quiet for long enough that Jasper almost pushed off the wall to end the awkward moment they were caught in. “I remember the way Mom cried when she accepted you weren’t going to come home. I wanted to kick your ass. Thinking about it, sometimes I still do. But someone beat me to it, so what’s the point?

 

“The thing is, Jazz, your mistakes aren’t all of who you are. We were giggling kids and dumbshit teenagers together, you know? It just seems stupid to me to forget all the good things because you did a few really bad things. Fuck it up again and I’ll kick your ass. Until then… I don’t know. It seems like you have enough on your plate without worrying about me getting pissed. Mostly I figure I'll just have to sit and wait to see if my brother really is back, because I missed you. "

 

Jasper didn’t say anything. Gratefulness always brought confusion with it. He was so utterly thankful for Emmett’s easy acceptance he could have wept, but he wasn’t sure he believed it. He was too scared to believe it. Whether he deserved it or not, if he believed Emmett was telling the truth, it would kill him to be faced later with his derision.

 

Emmett bumped his shoulder. “Come on. Let’s set the table.”

 

That Jasper could do.

**~0~**

Dinner was amazing. More than that, it brought back so many happy memories, Jasper could hardly breathe. He couldn’t eat it. Even if the nostalgia wasn’t choking him, his churning stomach made it impossible to eat more than a bite or two.

 

He wrung his hands, digging the pad of his thumb into his palm, trying to find calm.

 

“I, um…” He took a deep breath. “When I left the hospital… I knew it was a fucked up thing to do. I knew it. I thought of each of you. I’m not sure if that’s any comfort at all. It’s like… there was this voice in my head telling me the right thing to do. It said, turn around. Your girlfriend needs you. Your mom and dad…” His throat got too tight, and he looked up at his parents. It was hard to lift his head as heavy as he felt with guilt. “I saw your faces in my mind, your disappointment. I couldn’t… The voice kept telling me to go back, but my body kept moving further and further away. Like… instinct. I couldn’t have stopped my feet if I wanted to, and I…” He hung his head.

 

“You didn’t want to,” Bella said.

 

Jasper shook his head. “I wanted to. I was always serious when I told you I was going to be better. But the voice telling me the right thing to do had the volume turned all the way down, and the voices that wanted… you know, the drugs, they were shouting. It’s a need. It’s so much stronger than anything else I’ve ever experienced. It gets to the point you can’t think around it. There’s nothing but…” He closed his eyes. “It doesn’t matter. That part… It just doesn’t matter.”

 

He shifted in his seat and continued, staring studiously down at the table. “Anyway. After I, um… After I woke up after I left the hospital, everything was different. I got the hell out of Dodge because if I didn’t, I would have come back to you all, but I knew I was useless the way I was. I knew I could only hurt you more. So I got on a bus. And then another bus. Little by little, everything fell away. I took little odd jobs here and there at first. I stayed in hotels. Then I just stopped. It didn’t matter to me anymore if I had a bed or if I was warm. Money didn’t matter. The things I did for my next hit…”

 

He stopped for a second and had to swallow sporadically to get the lump in his throat down. He squeezed his hands so his nails dug into his palms. “I missed you all so much. That’s when I took the pictures, when it got so bad even the drugs couldn’t take away that feeling. When I wanted to be good enough.

 

“Then, about a year and a couple months ago, I woke up in the hospital. I was detoxed because I’d been out for awhile.” There was a lot he was leaving out. He wanted to tell them about Alice, but it wasn’t the time. “I’ve been clean since then. Working on getting better. Being better.”

 

“And now you think you’re good enough?” Edward’s voice was hard, but not quite as venomous as it had been.

 

“No,” Jasper said. “But I want to get there. I think I can get there now. I know I need to prove it. I don’t expect anyone to believe I’m going to make good on my promises. But I had a plan. I wanted to come home, get a job. I wanted to work on being a good son, a good brother.” He cleared his throat and glanced at Emmett, purposefully not looking at Edward and Bella. “I want to be a good uncle if you’ll let me. I know it will take time…”

 

Carlisle clapped his shoulder. “We have time.”

 

An hour or so later, Jasper was beyond exhausted. But when Bella reached out to give his hand a brief squeeze, he couldn’t help himself.

 

“I know you ask me not to… Can I ask just one question tonight? Only one.”

 

Bella looked over her shoulder. Edward was still talking to Carlisle and Esme. “Okay,” she said, though she seemed apprehensive about the idea.

 

“I’m not… I’m not upset, okay? I know I have no right to be angry. I just want to know.”

 

Bella crossed her arms and looked at him, waiting for his question.

 

“Kaylee… We had a name picked out.” Madelyn Rose Whitlock had been the name in Jasper’s head for three years. “I thought you loved her name. Why did you change it?”

 

“Oh.” She looked away from him but not fast enough that he missed the pain that flitted across her features. “I didn’t sign the birth certificate for a few days. There was a lot going on, and I hated that I had to put your name on it. I couldn’t think about calling her the name we chose together, not when you’d abandoned her.

 

“I told Edward what I wanted for her. That I wanted her to be happy despite the fact her father had run out on her. I hoped she was always happy and smart. Edward said it sounded like Kaylee. You know, from Firefly?”

 

Jasper managed a tight nod to acknowledge he understood the reference. It wasn’t easy to hear the things she was saying, to face what he’d done.

 

“Kaylee just fit her.”

 

He nodded, looking down at his shoes. “Yeah. It does. It sounds happy.”

 

“Jasper,” she said after a moment.

 

He looked up.

 

“Her middle name is Madelyn.”

  
It was well after Edward, Bella, and Emmett had left that Jasper realized the significance. As angry as she’d been, Bella had given their daughter one tie back to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: SO! That happened with minimal bloodshed.
> 
> Many thanks to barburella and jessypt.   
> How are we feeling now, folks?


	8. How Did We Get Here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Disclaimer here, I am not a doctor. I’m basing Bella’s injuries on a guy who used to have physical therapy with my mother. I don’t know the intimate details of his injuries. I’m just mimicking them. It was many a year ago, so it might be quite possible for Bella to have healed differently now. I apologize for my ignorance. The body is a strange, strange place.
> 
> Oh, also. Last chapter, I should have said Edward was twenty-five years old. He’s twenty-five, Bella is about to turn twenty-four, Jasper is thirty-one.

**_~Three Years Ago, Two Weeks Post-Accident~_ **

 

_It was only a matter of happenstance that Edward was with Bella so often. His parents both worked. They’d offered to take time off, but Carlisle worked at the hospital anyway, and with Jasper gone, Esme needed the distraction of her job. Emmett and Rosalie worked and had Henry to take care of. Bella’s other friends were all young and too far removed to understand the enormity of what she was going through. Edward was a fresh graduate looking for a job, so he had both the most time and the connection to Bella and Kaylee._

 

_The morning before Bella was released, Edward was there again. The orderlies let him push Bella’s wheelchair to the NICU. Her silence weighed heavily on his heart. When her doctor told her she was ready to go home, she’d burst into tears. Glad as he was she felt better, he would have done anything to take that broken look off her face, even keep her cooped up in the hospital room she hated._

 

_Instead, as his steps echoed in the hospital hall, he kept up a constant stream of light conversation. She didn’t respond, but she put her hand up behind her to squeeze his fingers. It was her silent acknowledgement she was listening._

 

_They scrubbed in, and Edward stepped over to the incubator as the nurses helped Bella and her bulky cast get settled. He put his hand through the holes and ran his fingers along the baby’s arm. When he reached her hand, her miniature fingers curled around his large one. “Hey, little face.”_

 

_Kaylee squirmed and let out a little squawk. Edward grinned at her. “So impatient. Mommy’s almost ready for you. Just one more minute.”_

 

_The nurses glanced at him with indulgent expressions as they leaned in to scoop the baby out of her incubator. Edward sat back and watched them lay Kaylee in Bella’s waiting arms, mindful of her various tubes and wires. She was so tiny to be so encumbered, but she was getting stronger every day._

 

_This was Edward’s favorite part. There was a moment, after the nurses had finally stepped back, when it was just Bella and Kaylee. For the first time that day, Bella smiled. It was a peaceful smile, as though there had been a restlessness inside her, an ache that could only be soothed by the bitty baby she held against her chest. She closed her eyes a moment and dipped her head so her nose nuzzled the baby’s head. She had one hand firm against Kaylee’s back, the other playing with her little foot._

 

_Edward was quiet, content to watch for the time being. It should have been a heartbreaking sight, and in many ways, it was. Bella was so young. Most of her exposed skin was still scraped, bruised, and battered. Her leg was covered from her toes to above her knee in a cast that seemed far too big for her small body. Yet there she was, all the more gorgeous for her serene smile as she rocked her tiny daughter._

 

_All too soon, her smile wavered. Her shoulders began to shake and tears escaped her closed eyelids. “Bella?” he said, and he moved to sit in the chair by her side._

 

_She sniffled and opened her eyes. “I don’t want to leave her,” she whispered._

 

_He reached out and rested his hand on her good knee. “She’s growing every day. It won’t be long before you can bring her home.”_

 

_She gave her head a minute shake and curled her fingers tighter around the baby. “It feels awful that I’ll be sleeping in my bed tonight while she’s here. That’s not how it’s supposed to be. She’s supposed keep me up at all hours. I’m the one that’s supposed to rock her to sleep, not a nurse.”_

 

_“You weren’t supposed to do that for another seven weeks. You’ll get there.”_

 

_“Right.” Bitterness crept into her tone. She moved her fingertips along Kaylee’s back. “How am I going to take care of her when I can’t walk?” She pressed her lips together, breathing deep through her nose to calm herself. Her eyes were wide and scared as she looked at him. “How am I supposed to do any of this alone?”_

 

_Edward raised his hand to her cheek, brushing away her tears since her hands were otherwise occupied. “You’re not alone. You’re never going to be alone.”_

**_~0~_ **

_Though Carlisle and Esme had offered to let her stay with them, Bella much preferred her own house. Edward knew her well enough to understand she hated feeling like a burden, as ridiculous as the thought was to him. Still, Edward thought she might have said yes if it wasn’t for the fact it was Jasper’s room his parents offered._

 

_Edward had offered to stay with her, a move that had made his mother look at him with that pinched expression of concern. But as he laid it out point for point, Bella and his family had to agree he was the most logical choice. Much as she wanted to, she couldn’t be alone, and even a home care nurse couldn't be with her all the time. Edward had the time, patience, and physical strength to help her._

 

_Of course, the whole family was there. Carlisle and Esme made dinner. Emmett, Rosalie, and Henry did their best to make her smile despite her depression at having to leave her baby behind._

 

_It was barely eight when Bella’s eyelids began to droop. The rest of the family took their leave. Esme fussed. She wanted to stay, but both Edward and Bella shooed her back home. As it was, Edward was going to be sleeping on an inflatable mattress in the nursery. There was no room for her. She and Rosalie promised to come back in the afternoon to help Bella bathe._

 

_When they were gone, Edward went to put his arms around Bella. Startled, she pulled back. “What are you doing?”_

 

_“You said you’re tired. Don’t you want to go to bed?”_

 

_She blinked a few times and a light blush tinged her cheeks. “Oh. Yeah, but you don’t have to carry me.”_

 

_He pursed his lips and bit back his amused smile. “How do you think you’re going to get up there?”_

 

_Bella frowned. Obviously, she hadn’t thought of that. “I could sit on my butt and scoot up.”_

 

_“Or you could let me carry you. That’s what I’m here for. To help.” He sat down next to her on the couch. “There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. It’s just me, Bella.”_

 

_“I know. I just hate being so helpless.”_

 

_He gave her hand a brief squeeze. “This part doesn’t last forever.”_

 

_She sighed. “Yeah.”_

 

_Hesitantly, she looped her arms around his neck. Edward was careful as he got his arms around her, mindful of the bulky cast. “Sorry,” he murmured at her quick intake of breath. He hated the idea of hurting her._

 

_“S’okay. The pain really isn’t that bad anymore.”_

 

_When they reached the top of the stairs Edward turned his head to look at her. Whatever he’d been about to say died on his lips. He couldn’t help the way he felt about Bella, the way he’d always felt. He kept a tight hold on it, but once in a while, like right then as he found her face so close to his, it was all he could do to remind himself she wasn’t his._

 

_He cleared his throat, but he didn’t look away. “See?” he said as he continued down the hall to her room. “No big deal. I’m not even breathless.”_

 

_“Show off.” Her voice was soft, and she didn’t look away either._

 

_By the time he laid her down on her bed, the moment was broken. Her eyes were clouded with the same sadness that had made her every movement slow and stooped since the day before. More than anything, Edward wished he could know what she was thinking. Rather than pry, he lapsed into silence as he helped her get comfortable and brought her meds and water to her nightstand. He perched on the edge of her bed. “Do you need anything else?”_

 

_She shook her head, mute once again._

 

_“Okay.” He picked up her cell phone and showed it to her. “I put the walkie-talkie program on the home screen. If you need me, wake me up, okay?”_

 

_She nodded._

 

_He tapped her chin with his finger. “Bella. Promise me. Promise you’ll wake me up.”_

 

_Her eyes met his briefly. “Promise,” she said._

 

_He lingered because it felt like there was more to say. He wished he could do more, wished he could do anything to make this whole crappy situation better. What could he say that hadn’t already been said? Time was the only thing that would heal both her physical wounds and the ones his brother had left on her heart. So Edward only said goodnight as he got up._

 

_“Edward?” she said when he reached the door._

 

_“Yes?”_

 

_When he turned back, she wasn’t looking at him. She was staring off at some fixed point in the distance, her eyes teary again. She swallowed several times, and when she finally spoke, her voice was thin. “Walking away from Kaylee was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life.” She looked up. “Do you think it was hard for him? Do you think he thinks about us at all?”_

 

_Edward’s heart twisted and anger stoked in his gut. He didn’t have to ask who she was talking about. He also knew he had no words to make this better. He could have cursed his brother six ways from Sunday, but that wasn’t what she wanted to hear. He could have told her what he knew--that when Jasper ran out of the hospital, he thought for sure Kaylee was going to die-- but he didn’t know if that would make things better or worse._

 

_In the end, the only thing he could do was sit on the edge of her bed and wrap her up in a hug. He held her and rocked her until the grief let her go enough that she could sleep._

 

**_~Six Weeks After That~_ **

_“Bella, if you bounce out of this chair, I’m not going to pick you up,” Edward said as he pushed her wheelchair toward the hospital._

 

_Bella twisted around to make a face at him, and Esme clucked at his side. “Hush, Edward. Her baby is coming home.” She patted Bella’s shoulder. “I bet you feel like you could fly.”_

 

_“I wish I could run,” Bella said. Her leg was still casted, and it would be many months if not a year before she would be able to walk on it again._

 

_“You’ll get there.”_

 

_When they got inside the hospital, Bella was patient as she filled out the release forms and listened to the doctor’s last instructions. She looked like a little girl trying to be attentive in class when the sun was shining outside. Her hands were on her lap, but her fingers twisted in and out of her shirt._

 

_Finally, finally,  a nurse brought Kaylee out._

 

_The baby was just over five pounds now and healthy. After the initial scare, when her lungs were deciding whether or not they would work, she’d gained ounces and strength without further complication. To Edward’s eyes, she was still far too small, but she had a bit of baby fat to her. He no longer worried merely touching her would break her._

 

_“Look at you, baby bird.” Bella arranged the blanket around Kaylee’s face. The tiny girl fussed but quieted as Bella drew her nearer. “Say goodbye to all your friends, Kaylee. We’re going home now.”_

 

_“Bella. Smile,” Edward said, brandishing a camera._

 

_Bella didn’t protest. She looked up at him and grinned. It was a beautiful picture of a proud mommy holding a precious gift. Her eyes shone with tears, and her smile could have lit the whole world._

**_~0~_ **

_That same day, Bella received her first photograph from Jasper. It was Edward who found it first. It was getting late, and the rest of the family was still crowded in Bella’s small living room. It had been his habit since he’d begun living with Bella to sort her mail for her. Just one less thing for her to deal with._

 

_He recognized his brother’s handwriting right away. His heart leapt into his throat. Anger and hope warred for their place as most prominent emotion. He opened the letter without thinking and a picture fell out. After he studied it a moment, Edward had to fight the urge not to crumple it in his fist._

 

_In the last eight weeks, though life had continued at its typical up and down pace, there was a hole none of them could ignore. For all intents and purposes, Esme and Carlisle had lost a son the day of the accident. Their mourning was awkward and quiet. Their worry was all the more profound because there was no closure, no sense of finality. Edward knew they had talked to the police, but little could be done about a grown man who didn’t want to come home._

 

_In Emmett, Edward had seen the loss of his best friend. While Edward and Emmett had their own close relationship, it wasn’t the same as what he’d shared with Jasper. Often, Emmett would seek Edward out, trying to fill the gap, trying to do things with his younger brother that he’d always done with his stepbrother. Though Emmett was an easygoing guy, Edward could often see when something he did was just a little bit off. Emmett missed Jasper._

 

_And then Bella._

 

_Day to day, Edward and Bella had fallen into a sort of routine. He brought her breakfast in bed in the morning, and they ate together while watching TV or just talking. Before or at noon, Esme or Rosalie would show up to help Bella bathe and dress. The afternoon was spent at the hospital with Kaylee with the occasional visit to Bella’s doctors thrown in. Evenings were spent with family and supportive friends. It was stressful, but it was a semblance of a normal life._

 

_Still, Jasper’s presence lingered like dust on every surface. Often, when the nights grew quiet, Bella became sad and distant. Bella was under no delusion that she’d lost a great love, but it still hurt. Greater than that was the ache she felt for her daughter._

 

_“We were arguing so much toward the end,” she’d told him one day. “But not about her. Never about Kaylee. He put the crib together. He bought her so many things. He was stoked. I don’t understand. I just don’t understand.”_

 

_All that day, Jasper’s name hung in the air, though no one said it. He was supposed to be there to welcome his baby home. He was supposed to be the one hovering, watching as the baby was passed back and forth between everyone._

 

_It had finally gotten to the point where Jasper’s presence slipped away, when everyone, even Esme, was unabashedly happy. It wouldn’t last, but no one was missing Jasper right at that moment, that evening. Yet here he was, inserting himself._

 

_Edward clenched his jaw. He was irritated at the relief he felt. His big brother was alive and that made him happy, but on the heels of that emotion was fury. He was once again left to be the bearer of bad news. His words would be the ones to hurt Bella, his mother, his family._

 

_“Edward?”_

 

_Edward looked up to find his father in the doorway._

 

_“Where did you run off to?”_

 

_It was probably a cowardly thing to do, but Edward was glad to pawn off this task at least. He handed his father the envelope. Carlisle’s breath caught. He shook the photo out and looked at it for a tense minute._

 

_The photo was black and white. The atmosphere was smokey. The picture focused on the singer. Just by looking at it, Edward could tell he was singing the blues. Jasper was good at what he did. Edward could see the sadness on the man’s face, the way his gnarled fingers curled around the guitar. He could almost hear the mournful tone of his voice._

 

_His father looked up. “What does it mean?”_

 

_Edward’s throat was tight. He spoke through gritted teeth. “It means he’s sorry.”_

 

**_~Five Months After the Accident~_ **

_“Hey, Edward.”_

 

_“Hi, Jake.” Edward spared a smile for Bella’s part-time nanny and then diverted his attention to the bundle he held. Kaylee squealed at him excitedly, and Edward pulled her out of Jake’s arms and into his. “Hey, baby girl.”_

 

_“I’m taking off. See you tomorrow,” Jake said._

 

_Edward clapped the man on the shoulder and closed the door behind him. He kissed Kaylee’s forehead. “Where’s Mommy, hmm?”_

 

_He moved into the house and found Bella on the couch. That she was leaning back with her eyes closed was telling. Despite being, for the most part, wheelchair bound, she did her best to be active. It had been a chore to get her to accept Esme and Carlisle’s help so she would have a nanny to help her while everyone else was at work._

 

_“What’s wrong?” he asked, though he had a pretty good idea._

 

_She blew out her breath and opened her eyes slowly. “Hey. How was work?”_

 

_“Same as it was yesterday.” As he spoke, he untangled Kaylee’s curious fingers from the pull strings of his jacket. “Talk to me.”_

 

_Bella screwed up her lips and nose, but she acquiesced. She gestured at the leg she had propped up on a pillow. “Physical therapy wiped me out.”_

 

_Edward got up and put Kaylee down on her playmat. He returned to Bella’s side. “Can I sit?” he asked, nodding at the end of the couch._

 

_“Sure.” She winced when he lifted her leg enough so he could sit. He curled his hand up under her pant leg, massaging with a light touch. “Ugh. How can you stand to touch it like that?”_

 

_Edward clucked his disapproval at her words. She’d finally been released from the confines of her cast, but the damage was startling. Her leg was sickly. She’d called it a zombie leg--it more closely resembled a bleached grayish-green stick than a human leg. “It’s not diseased, Bella.”_

 

_“No.” She glared as though she wanted to scold it. “It’s just a useless, atrophied, malfuctioning piece of meat.”_

 

_Edward studied her for a minute. He could have handed her platitudes, but he knew better. She was frustrated and in pain. He couldn’t make it better, but he could distract her. “I know what we need.” He stretched to retrieve the remote from the end table. “We need Doctor Who, the David Tennant era.”_

 

_Bella rolled her head so she could look at him. A small smile played at her lips. “Rose or Donna?”_

 

_“Tough one.” He tapped his lips. “Rose. Definitely Rose.”_

 

_“Ah, now you’re speaking my language.”_

 

**_~Ten Months Post Accident~_ **

_Edward had to laugh._

 

_Bella groaned. “This isn’t funny.”_

 

_“Oh, come on. It’s adorable.”  He got up and put his arm around Bella’s waist. She leaned on him, letting him take the bulk of her weight as she panted, exhausted from doing her exercise. “Kaylee. Tell Momma you’re learning to walk like her.”_

 

_Kaylee giggled and continued walking the back and forth path across the living room. She was in her rolling walker, imitating the way Bella walked with hers. “Vum, vum, vum,” she babbled as she walked, mimicking the vroom noises Edward often made when he pushed her around._

 

_Edward chuckled as he guided Bella down on the couch. By the time she was settled, Kaylee was demanding, “Up, up, up,” so Edward lifted her out of the walker._

 

_When Edward sat down beside Bella, she’d caught her breath and pulled her textbooks over. She was managing a few classes that semester, and finals were coming up too quickly. “I need to study a bit, but I made a wicked good chicken piccata.”_

 

_“Oh.” Edward’s mouth watered. Bella knew how much he loved her chicken piccata. “When did you have time to do that?”_

 

_She waggled her eyebrows at him playfully. “I’m sneaky like that. It’s in the fridge. You just have to pop it in the oven for-”_

 

_They were interrupted by a commotion and Kaylee’s sharp cry as she pulled a number of books off the coffee table. Edward was over at her side in a heartbeat, looking her over. She was intact, no bumps or cuts, so he pulled her into his arms. “Come here, sugar. It’s okay. I’m here. Daddy’s here.”_

 

_When he heard Bella’s gasp, he realized what he’d said. His stomach dropped down to his toes. The atmosphere became oppressively heavy. Edward busied himself wiping away Kaylee’s tears and kissing her booboos better even though he was fairly certain she had only scared herself._

 

_It was time to face the music. He swallowed down the lump in his throat, shifted Kaylee to his hip, and went to sit beside Bella. “Bella… I’m so sorry. It just slipped out. I didn’t mean-”_

 

_She put her finger to his lips, silencing him. Edward didn’t know how to read the look on her face as she stared at him. She seemed conflicted. Her eyes were stormy. She took a shaky breath…_

 

_And then she kissed him. Edward was so startled, he didn’t move. He couldn’t think. When she pulled back, he only blinked at her. His mind couldn’t process what had happened. Since he’d fallen for Bella long before Jasper left and Kaylee was born, Edward was used to tamping down his longing. The last ten months, being near her every day, had only made the yearning in his heart worse. But he knew the difference between fantasy and reality. Bella kissing him was a fantasy._

 

_“I…” She said. She looked away and ran a hand through her hair. “I’m sorry. It’s just… When you said that… I’ve wanted…”_

 

_Edward reached out with his free hand and cupped her cheek. He pulled her to him and kissed her the way he’d wanted to since forever. She kissed him back, moving her lips with his and threading her fingers into his hair._

 

_It didn’t last nearly long enough before they both pulled back. Her startled expression matched the emotions doing cartwheels in his belly. Almost in unison, they looked over at Kaylee. She had her head on Edward’s shoulder and her fingers in her mouth. Her eyes were teary and her expression sullen. She seemed unaffected by their kiss._

  
_Edward looked back to Bella and they shared tentative smiles. Rather than speak, Edward stroked her cheek with his thumb. He dipped his head and kissed her again._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Ahhh my girls are so great. Much heart to barburella, songster, and jessypt. And you, jfka06, are a pretty, pretty, benevolent princess. Thanks for indulging my impatience. 
> 
> To the rest of you. We will be back to the present next update, and yes, we will meet Rosalie soon. I hope you enjoyed this little blast of the past.


	9. Facebook Friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hokay, couple quick notes here. To my dear anon reviewers. A little bit of advice. Don’t assume. There are a metric shit ton of issues that have yet to be addressed, some of which I haven’t even hinted at yet. Just wait to see how the story plays out, yeah?

“Nothing says you’re back from the dead like updating your Facebook page,” Jasper muttered to himself. He hesitated with his finger over the upload button. It seemed only right to replace his profile picture first. He wasn’t that guy anymore, the one with easy grin and the glint in his eyes.

 

His parents had insisted on buying him a smartphone since the phone he’d gotten from the shelter was unreliable at best. He‘d protested until he realized they preferred him to be accessible. He’d spent his morning getting reacquainted with the fine art of the selfie.

 

What a difference three years made. Though he still looked like a young man, his face was much older, worn. It wasn’t just the scars. He looked like a ghost, a shadow of a person. There was no life in his eyes. His mother had encouraged him to cut his hair, as though a trim could make him a different person.

 

Jasper pressed the upload button on his phone and turned to the laptop sitting in front of him on the table. His parents had kept his old laptop along with everything else of his. All of his belongings had been in boxes in the garage. Helping his mother go through them, he’d been too ashamed to look at her. He couldn’t imagine how painful it must have been for her to pack his things in the first place.

 

Rubbing his eyes, Jasper got down to the second order of business: culling his friends list. This was part of his recovery he hadn’t had to deal with. Those years he’d been a drifter, he’d had no steady friends. He rarely stayed in the same place long enough to learn anyone’s name. He couldn’t contact most the people he’d met even if he wanted to, and no part of him did.

 

Home was another story. Plenty of his old crowd had been enablers at best and fellow drug abusers at worst.

Many of his fellow addicts in the clinic had struggled with the idea of letting go of bad influences.  It wasn’t as simple as it sounded. People who had never experienced the disease of addiction judged drug abusers with a black and white view of the world. They were bad. Wrong. To them, they choices were easy. Don’t do drugs. Don’t hang out with people who do drugs. If only it were that simple.

 

An addict’s friends were just like anyone else’s. For many, their friends were the ones who had been there when no one else was. Like every other human being, drug abusers were nuanced, comprised of parts good, bad, and indifferent. It wasn’t easy sacrificing long friendships even in favor of better health.

 

There, at least, Jasper was lucky. When he ran away from his life, he’d cut ties with everyone. Reestablishing ties with his family was a priority. He didn’t have the time or the energy to think about maintaining old friendships, good or bad. With any luck, he could slip out of their lives entirely without them having been the wiser.

 

Jasper realized his mistake a minute too late. He should have gone on his deleting spree first, before he posted a new picture of himself. Before he knew it, his post had been liked and commented on by a handful of friends. Jasper shook his head hard. He’d been disconnected from the world for so long, he’d forgotten how instantaneous feedback could be on social networks.

 

Then, his Facebook messenger dinged. Jasper grimaced when he saw the name. Laurent Dumont. He was on the list of people Jasper wanted to delete. He was about to close his message straight away when the words on the screen registered.

 

Is this really you? I thought I was the only one of our crowd to survive.

 

Jasper stared at the words for well over a minute without moving. An uncomfortable rock settled in his gut. His fingers shook as he wrote back.

 

I’m real. What do you mean? What happened to James and Victoria?

 

Jasper tapped his fingertips on the table, waiting for Laurent’s message to appear.

 

James overdosed two years ago. Victoria lost it after that. She committed suicide six months later.

 

“Christ.” Jasper rubbed his eyes.

 

Once upon a time, they’d been four fucked up kids who found some solace in each other. Unlike James and Victoria, Jasper had a loving family, but still, not a one of them could understand some of the things he’d been through with his biological father. James’s father had been just as big a dick if not more so. Victoria had been abused by both her parents. Like Jasper, Laurent had a support system at home, but seeing his mother die at the hands of an uncle had left him reeling. They were kindred spirits once upon a time.

 

I don’t even know what to say to that. I’m sorry.

 

I am too. But nevermind that. Where the hell have you been? What happened to you?

 

Jasper scoffed. Again he wondered if he was doing the right thing. This was supposed to be one of the easiest things he had to do. But a little conversation had to be harmless, right? And now he wanted to know more about James and Victoria. The tightness in his throat told him he wasn’t as detached as he’d thought.

 

Long story really short? I went off the deep end, almost got myself stabbed to death, and I got clean.

 

That’s great. I mean, obviously not the stabbing to death part, the clean part. Me too.  First you disappeared and we all thought you were dead. Then James died. I didn’t want to be next.

 

And then a minute later:

 

Listen, man. I’ve got to make like a baby and head out, but we should meet to catch up. I’m happy you didn’t get dead. You have no idea. My treat.

 

Jasper hesitated only a moment before he agreed. It seemed like a reasonably safe endeavor. Laurent had been a true friend--the best out of the trio--and if he was clean, it would be nice to have someone else to talk to. As Alice said, as much as his parents wanted to help, there was so much they could never understand.

 

When Laurent had logged off, Jasper sat back in his chair at his parents’ kitchen table. He balled his hands in fists and rubbed his eyes hard. The ever-present tightness in his chest intensified and sharpened into grief. He’d been ready to walk away from his old friends for good, anything to keep his promise to his family, but that didn’t mean he thought they were worthless. They’d been worth something to him, and he hadn’t been there to save them the way he’d been saved. What made him worth more than they were?

 

It made him wonder - who else? James, Victoria, and Laurent were his oldest friends but not his only. What had happened to everyone else? How many others were gone?

 

Jasper pulled his laptop toward him and navigated to his profile. He intended to check his friends list one by one--anyway, he still needed to remove friends--but he was quickly distracted by his listed family members. It was a limited list. His mother, his father, brother Emmett. He was missing two siblings from the last time he’d seen his page. It was only to be expected, but it stung.

 

He threaded his fingers through his hair and tugged. He had to take a few deep breaths before Facebook came into focus again. By that time he was distracted from his original goal. He didn’t even know what his family’s life had looked like these last three years. Maybe it was better to start not with his friends but with them. He clicked on Emmett’s profile.

 

For the first time since he’d logged back on Facebook, Jasper smiled. Short videos seemed to have taken over the world of social media in his absence. Emmett’s feed was dotted with videos of his kids. Henry was so big, Jasper could hardly believe it was the same boy he’d known. He was still ever the ham, and though his physique already resembled his father’s, at five, he seemed to be a fairly talented little pianist. Jasper wondered what Emmett, poor, tone deaf Emmett, thought about that.

 

And Vera. She was precious. There was a picture of her standing next to Rose looking the spitting image of her gorgeous mother. She was wearing a miniature version of the exact same mechanic’s coveralls that Rose was and wielding a plastic purple version of the wrench her mother had.

 

Jasper’s breath caught when he loaded up the next video and Vera appeared holding hands with a familiar, slightly older little girl. Kaylee flashed his grin at the camera and giggled with little girl pleasure. Edward came into the frame and plopped down on the grass behind them. “Kaylee, give your cousin a kiss?”

 

Kaylee was agreeable. She flung her arms around Vera, effectively knocking both toddlers to the ground. They giggled, and Kaylee pressed a wet smack to Vera’s cheek.

 

Edward scooped Kaylee into his arms. “Now kisses for Daddy,” he said and he peppered Kaylee’s face with kisses while she laughed and screeched, “Daaaaaaaddddddddyyyyyyyy.”

 

Ever a glutton for punishment, Jasper scrolled on. He found a video from Christmas Day. Emmett snuck into the room Edward and Bella were sharing in Carlisle and Esme’s house. He crept in carefully so they didn’t wake. “Awww,” Emmett whispered to the camera. “How cute is this? Priceless.”

 

Edward and Bella were spooning on the bed. Edward was the little spoon. Actually, Kaylee was the littlest spoon. She was tucked up against Edward’s chest the way he was tucked against Bella. It was a pretty picture, and under other circumstances, Jasper would have wanted to do exactly what Emmett did: tease the hell out of his little brother. Emmett climbed right into bed with them, jostling them awake as he tried to spoon with Bella. The camera shook. There was playful shouting and the feed cut off.

 

Jasper imagined he would have gotten a much different reception if he ever tried something like that.

 

If it were ever possible.

 

Would he ever get to the point where he could joke? He didn’t know if he remembered how. He couldn’t remember the last time he could think past the weight on his shoulders and the vice grip around his heart.

 

A key turning in the lock at the front door caught his attention, and Jasper looked up to see Carlisle come in the door. As usual, there was that smile of surprise on his stepfather’s face when he saw Jasper still sitting there.

 

“How was your day?” Carlisle asked as he sat across from Jasper at the table.

 

“Fine. I took the bus to look for jobs. There’s a gas station only a few stops up. The owner seemed to like me, so we’ll see.”

 

Carlisle seemed confused. “A gas station? Is that really the kind of job you want to look for?”

 

Jasper traced idle patterns against the tabletop. “I think my main goal right now is to be a contributing member of society. A gas station job isn’t going to get me very far, but it’ll pay for some so you aren’t supporting me completely. And from there I’ll figure out what I can do.”

 

“You’re a gifted photographer, Jasper. You had a great career.”

 

“One that I can’t just walk back into.” He pressed his tongue to the roof of his mouth, trying not to be as frustrated as he was. “I burned a lot of bridges, and I have an inexplicable three year gap in employment. I could do freelance work, but that takes networking. I don’t have a network.”

 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t think.”

 

“Don’t apologize. Starting over, right? It’s, uh… I mean, I don’t like the idea either, but until I figure out what the hell I’m doing with my life, I have to do something. I have to be able to show all of you I’m moving forward. Then maybe Edward will let me see my…” He swallowed hard and flexed his hands into fists. “Maybe Rosalie will be okay with me seeing Henry and meeting Vera.”

 

“Jasper-”

 

Jasper shook his head, waving off whatever comfort Carlisle was about to offer. Sometimes his parents’ compassion was more painful than any condemnation. “Hey, I have a question.” His voice was tight, but he pressed on. He turned his laptop around to face Carlisle and pressed play on one of the videos he’d seen. “Who’s this guy?”

 

The video was from Kaylee’s third birthday party just a couple months before. It was a family affair, but the video showed a man Jasper had never seen. He was taller than Emmett but not quite as broad, yet he was sitting cross legged at a table obviously meant for tiny people. The table was bedecked with petit fours, tiny sandwiches, a tea kettle, and teacups. The stranger sat still as Kaylee adorned him with a pink boa.

 

“You’re a pretty, pretty princess,” Emmett teased the man who fixed him with a slightly exasperated look.

 

Kaylee glanced up from her work. “You have to have tea too, Unca Em. You can have the hat with the sparkles.”

 

The stranger snickered, and the video cut off.

 

Carlisle chuckled. “That’s Jacob Black. He’s Kaylee’s nanny.”

 

“Bella was so pro-daycare,” Jasper mused.

 

“Well, we hired Jacob when Edward had to go to work. Bella’s recovery was very slow, and she couldn’t care for an infant alone on crutches or in her wheelchair. He was half nurse to Bella and half nanny to Kaylee. After that, it just made sense to keep him on when Bella went back to school. He’s part of the family.”

 

Jasper hummed his acknowledgment, aching again for too many reasons. He hated that he’d left Bella to care for their daughter alone when she herself needed care. It should have been him there for both them. On top of that, even though it was no one’s fault but his, he couldn’t pretend it didn’t hurt that an outsider had more of a place in his family than he did.

 

Carlisle cleared his throat. Jasper was afraid for a moment that he was going to ask what was wrong, but he seemed to think better of it. Instead, he changed the subject. “Your mother asked me to give you something. It’s in my office if you’d like to take a look.”

 

Curious, Jasper followed his stepfather to his office. Carlisle rummaged through a file drawer and proffered Jasper an official looking document. It took him a minute to realize what he was holding. It was Kaylee’s birth certificate.

 

His hands shook as he looked over the information. Kaylee Madelyn Swan, two pounds, fifteen ounces. Fifteen and a half inches long. He traced the line with his name. Father: Jasper Whitlock.

 

“I can’t keep this,” he said, his voice thick with emotion. “Edward and Bella would kill me.”

 

Carlisle hesitated a moment before he spoke. “You can keep it. That birth certificate is no longer valid.”

 

“What does that mean?”

 

“Well, when Edward and Bella married, they had your parental rights terminated for reasons of abandonment. Edward adopted Kaylee. She’s a Cullen now.”

 

Jasper had to close his eyes against the ache at the center of his chest. His thoughts felt thick, and it was difficult to find the right words. Watching his mother fight his biological father for custody of him over and over again, Jasper knew way more than he wanted to about parental rights. The last beating he’d suffered at his father’s hands had put Jasper in the hospital, and he’d never had to see the man again, even after he served his far too limited sentence. “That makes sense. But then why the hell is Edward always so defensive? If my rights have been terminated completely, I couldn’t fight for her even if I wanted to.”

 

Again Carlisle hesitated. “I’m telling you this because I think the least of what anyone deserves is honesty, no matter what the situation. I asked Edward the same question a couple days ago about why he was acting as though it was possible for you to be allowed visitation with Kaylee legally. He told me he consulted with our lawyers when he adopted Kaylee. He knew you thought she was dead. At the time, the lawyers told him there was a chance you could argue you wouldn’t have abandoned her if you knew she was alive.”

 

“I wouldn’t have.”

 

“Well, if a judge agreed with you, the adoption would be voided. You could seek visitation.”

 

That admission hung in the air between them, a physical entity added to the weight bearing down on Jasper’s chest. He turned away from Carlisle and looked out the window. It was hard to pin down what he was feeling. It was the most helpless kind of hope he’d ever experienced. Not that he wanted to do it, not that he could put his family through that, but that there was some option for him somewhere, a choice in his hands, simultaneously gave him a measure of peace and sent his thoughts reeling into chaos.

 

“Dad?” He had to swallow several times before he could continue. “If Bella had married someone else, if someone else was keeping my daughter away from me, what would you be telling me to do right now?”

 

Carlisle took a deep breath. “I think I would tell you regardless that you have a lot on your plate. There are things, in this case, more important to settle before you think about your place in Kaylee’s life.”

 

Jasper closed his eyes and tried to reorient his thoughts. Just because he was desperate to meet his daughter didn’t mean he was ready.

 

“This is a complicated situation,” Carlisle said. “No matter how this plays out, someday, Kaylee is going to know you’re her biological father. You, Edward, and Bella will have to figure out how to navigate that scenario one way or another. I know it’s been ugly between you and your brother, but I believe you can both come back from that with time and talking. I would hope you wouldn’t consider making it uglier.”

 

“I don’t want to make it uglier,” Jasper said, his voice low and tired.

 

“I know. One day at a time, and this will get easier for all of us. For now, you can start with seeing Rosalie.”

 

At that, Jasper looked up.

 

“She’s agreed to come to dinner tomorrow with Emmett, Edward, and Bella. They’re going to leave the kids with Jacob for the time being.”

 

“Edward and Rosalie at the same time.” Jasper scrubbed a hand over his face. “That’s going to be...interesting.”

  
“One day at a time,” Carlisle said again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Shout out to frostedglaze for putting the image of Jake at a tea party with a pink boa in my head.
> 
> Big thank you to everyone who reached out to me about banners. Foolish Hearts got a banner from ShadyPhee and New Girl got a banner from Fallingsnow Winter. Snapshots’ banner is being worked on by Beegurl, and Kris is a happy person.
> 
> Anyway, I meant to introduce Rosalie this chapter but as in real life, I got stuck on Facebook too long. Humph!


	10. Family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Beegurl made me a lovely, lovely, lovely banner. I love banners. *hugs all my banners* Such talented people in this fandom!
> 
> [ ](http://s118.photobucket.com/user/lyricalkris/media/Twilight%20Fanfic%20Stuff/Snapshotsbanner_zpsb20c471c.jpg.html)

Edward stared at his father, stunned. Betrayal hit him like a sucker punch to the gut. Fear sent chill down his spine and fury curled his hands into fists. For long seconds, he wasn’t sure how he was going to react. The ache at the center of his chest made him want to cry, as childish as that was, but here was his father, the man he trusted more than anyone in the world aside from his wife, confessing that he’d told Jasper the one thing Edward didn’t want him to know. “Are you insane? Have you utterly lost your mind?”

 

Carlisle narrowed his eyes at his son. “I realize you’re upset, but it’s not necessary to be rude.”

 

“No, you’re right. It’s not. But you’re going to tell me it was necessary to tell Jasper how to get to my daughter?”

 

“Edward-”

 

“I asked you once whose side you would choose if it came to a fight. I suppose I have my answer now.”

 

Carlisle flinched backward as though Edward had struck him. He swallowed audibly before he spoke. “I’m not taking anyone’s side. There are no sides for me to take. Jasper isn’t fighting for Kaylee, Edward. My son asked me a question, and I didn’t lie to him. I didn’t lie to him anymore than I’m lying to you now.”

 

Edward clenched his jaw, trying to think past the panic and anger. He didn’t know how to define what was fair in this situation. He wasn’t an idiot.  He knew the awkward position his parents were in. They wanted to give Jasper their full support while Edward fought that idea tooth and nail. He huffed. “If he isn’t fighting for Kaylee, why was he asking those kinds of questions?”

 

“He wasn’t.”

 

“Then you told him just for shits and giggles?”

 

“No. That’s not how it happened. I never expected him to ask that particular question. Of course I didn’t. I wouldn’t have invited that conversation out of the blue.”

 

“Then how did it come up?”

 

At that, Carlisle at least had the decency to look abashed. “I gave him Kaylee’s original birth certificate. It was your mother’s idea, and I agreed. We thought he might like to have it.”

 

“Why? It’s none of his business, Dad.”

 

His father fixed him with a look that was a mixture of patience tinged around the edges with frustration. “I know you don’t want to hear this, but I worry for your brother. On top of struggling with his addiction, I think he’s heading into a very deep depression.”

 

“And is that anyone’s fault but his own?”

 

Carlisle pressed his lips together. The expression on his face was torn but contemplative, as though he were trying very hard to find the right words. “Everyone makes mistakes, and I believe absolutely we should face the consequences of those mistakes, but I also believe even the worst of us deserves respect and compassion.

 

“Addiction is an illness, not a choice. It’s a mental illness. Your brother was very, very sick when he ran out on Kaylee and Bella. The consequences of that one action, a decision he made under the influence of a severe mental illness, are far-reaching. He is fighting so hard to come back from that, to take his life back and be the man he was meant to be had illness not taken hold of him. He’s drowning, and I’m terrified he’ll give up. Your mother and I wanted to give him something. Kaylee’s birth certificate is a token -- a physical thing he can hold in his hands that represents her. Because he does love her, Edward. You’re her father in every way that counts, but she’s still his daughter. He still aches for her every day. I see it, and that’s a pain I know too well--to know your child is out there and you can’t hold them, you can’t help them. To know they don’t belong to you.”

 

“You of all people should understand why I don’t want him anywhere near her. I remember how hard it was for you to send Jasper to his father.”

 

Carlisle tilted his head. “Is that what you’re worried about? Jasper isn’t Charles.”

 

“No. He’s a drug addict with abuse in his past. Exactly the kind of person you want raising a child.”

 

“Okay. Let’s think about the absolute worst case scenario here. If, if, he chose to challenge your adoption, it would be a long time before he could do that. I will promise you I won’t help him. If he chose to take action against you, our lawyers would be at your disposal, not his, and they’re damn good lawyers. I think he might have secured a job at a gas station. Do you really think he’ll have the means anytime soon?”

 

When Edward didn’t answer, Carlisle continued, “And in the eventuality he raised the the money he needed and was able to convince a judge to overturn Kaylee’s adoption, it still doesn’t mean he gets custody of her. It would be years before he had any kind of significant custody, and you’re married to Bella. He will never have full custody of Kaylee. No one can take her away from you. Tell me, Edward, what is it you think you stand to lose even in the very worst case?

 

“I told Jasper the truth about why you were so defensive. That's all. He’s trying to wrap his head around how much pain he’s caused. I really don’t think he’s interested in making things worse.”

 

Edward pinched the bridge of his nose and breathed in deep. Carlisle touched his shoulder and squeezed when Edward didn’t pull away. “What would you say if Jasper wasn’t your son? If it was a stranger who’d abandoned my wife and daughter? If the stranger who hurt them wanted back in their lives, what would you be telling me to do?”

 

To his surprise, Carlisle gave a humorless laugh. “Jasper asked me almost the exact question.” He shook his head. “I don’t know, Edward. All my life I’ve tried my hardest not to judge anyone. It only takes living your own life to understand how easy it is to make the wrong choice, to hurt someone, to do something irrevocable. I believe in second chances. A marker of being human is the ability to evolve, to change, and I believe people can and often do change for the better. I believe in forgiveness. But like most things, all of those concepts are all but impossible when it’s personal, and I understand that too.”

 

Carlisle tapped a framed version of the Serenity Prayer Bella had hung there years before, when her father was trying desperately to save himself from his demons. “At the end of the day, Jasper is my son. He’s your brother.” His expression softened. “And he’s Kaylee’s father. These are things neither you nor I can change. I’m doing my best. I don’t know how you want this all to end, but I’d like for us to be a family again. All of us, including Jasper.”

 

“Family.” Edward looked down at his clenched fists. “I begged him to get help. Over and over again, I begged him. Bella begged him. How many times did he come home high as a kite? How many times did you have to watch your wife cry over him? That’s how much he loved his family. I don’t understand how you can forgive him for that.”

 

“Because love isn’t a magical state of being. Loving someone doesn’t mean you don’t hurt them. It doesn’t mean you can magically overcome a deadly disease.”

 

“Well, regardless. I can’t tell you how I want this to end, but I can tell you this. I don’t know if I can ever consider Jasper my family again.”

 

Carlisle winced, but he nodded. “That’s understandable. I’m not asking you to accept your brother.” He tapped the prayer again. “What I am asking you to accept is while he may not be your family, he is mine.”

**~0~**

“Hey, Uncle Edward. You want to do a duet?”

 

Edward, Bella, and Kaylee hadn’t so much as walked in the door before Henry was calling his uncle over to the piano. Edward set Kaylee down and ruffled Henry’s curly hair. “Not today, kiddo.” If he played anything today, it would come out stormy.

 

Kaylee clambered up on the piano bench beside her cousin. “Look what I can do.” She pushed herself up against Henry, getting in his space so she could reach the middle keys to plunk out Chopsticks.

 

Henry’s expression was unimpressed. “That’s great.”

 

Ignoring or oblivious to Henry’s flat tone, Kaylee beamed at him. “Daddy taught me on our keyboard. Daddy says when we get a big house, we’ll get a piano like yours or more bigger.”

 

“Well, if you have your own piano, you can practice like me. Here. I’ll teach you something, and we can play together.”

 

Bella came to lean against Edward. She threaded their fingers together and looked up at him, kissing the underside of his chin as they watched the kids for a minute. Henry had an incredible amount of patience when it came to music. Edward nuzzled his wife’s hair with the tip of his nose, enjoying the moment of peace.

 

Rosalie came in then with Vera on her hip and Jacob at her side. The little girl looked the picture of misery. She rested her head on Rosalie’s shoulder, her arms around her mother’s neck, clinging. Edward stepped forward to push a damp strand of hair away from her forehead and glanced up at Rosalie when the little girl didn’t acknowledge him. “Is she sick?”

 

“She has a fever, but she’ll be okay. Won’t you, baby?” Rosalie kissed her daughter’s forehead. Vera just grumbled in response. “Henry,” Rosalie called to her son who turned around from his impromptu lesson. “Listen up, bud. I’m going to need you to be extra good and help Jacob out because he’s going to have his hands full with this one.”

 

“I can help too. I’m big. Look. I can tie my shoes.” Kaylee kicked her legs in Rosalie’s general direction.

 

“We can be good,” Henry promised, smiling his winning grin.

 

“Yeah, I know that look, little man. I’m serious. Best behavior.”

 

When she was sure of Henry’s promise, Rosalie turned to the task of extricating herself from her toddler’s death grip.

 

“Noooo,” Vera whined, only clinging tighter. “Noooo, noooo.”

 

There were tears, a lot of them, and by the time they all got out the door, Rosalie was not in a good mood.

 

Edward couldn’t help his rush of childish, vindictive glee. His sister-in-law had, if anything, a temper that burned hotter than his. It was Rosalie he’d gone to when he needed to vent about Jasper. She was the one who understood his anger the most because he’d let her see it. From the moment Jasper ran out the door, Rosalie had been Edward’s confidant. He had to be strong for Bella, Kaylee, and his parents. The whole situation had been way out of Emmett’s ability to deal with. He didn’t know what to do with something he couldn’t fix with his hands or let roll off his back.

 

It wasn’t that Edward thought his anger was useful; he simply wasn’t done with it. He couldn’t think about his brother without his blood boiling. Edward wanted to hurt Jasper, with his words and with his fists, he wanted to see him bloody and broken on the floor. Maybe more than anything, Edward hated his brother for making him feel such horrible things. He wasn’t a violent person. He was a good son and a family man.

 

After the accident, when days turned into weeks and there was no doubt Jasper had abandoned all of them, Edward had destroyed his favorite photo of them in a fit of rage. In it, he was a toddler, maybe two, clutching the hands of each of his elder brothers. He looked up at them with a little brother’s awe on his face.

 

Watching a hero fall was never a comfortable experience. Edward wasn’t sure he’d ever forgiven Jasper for being someone he couldn’t look up to.

 

Bella reached out to take his hand over the shifter. She didn’t ask what he was thinking about; he supposed that was easy enough to tell. Instead, she stayed quiet as they drove and ran her thumb over his knuckles. She sighed when they pulled into the driveway. “Here goes nothing.”

 

They walked up to the entryway hand in hand. Rose and Emmett pulled up right behind them, so they all got in the door around the same time. The atmosphere between the four of them was thick and oppressive. The weight of it doubled as they went in the house.

 

Jasper did the same thing he’d done with Edward and Bella. When they got in the door, he pulled himself to his feet looking for all the world like he was a beaten down dog. He came to stand in front of Rosalie. “Hi, Rose. You can-”

 

He didn’t get to finish his sentence before Rosalie had slapped him across the face. Hard. Hard enough the sound made Edward jump even though he’d been expecting some kind of drama. It wasn’t as satisfying as he would have imagined. Jasper’s face snapped to the side and he gave a small cry of pain.

 

It wasn’t as satisfying as Edward would have imagined. He wasn’t the type of person who liked hitting from any person in any context except self-defense. He didn’t excuse women because they were women, and he didn’t hold with the old “boys will be boys” adage either. But as his father had said, principles were difficult to stick to when it was personal. Given the violent nature of his thoughts for his brother lately, he figured he would have enjoyed seeing him get hit, but he didn’t. Jasper was already down so low, it was rather a redundant move.

 

The rest of the family converged, calling Rosalie’s name or gasping. Rosalie held her hands up and out. “I’m done. That’s it. I promise.” She took a deliberate step backward.

 

“I’m fine,” Jasper said as Esme tried to fuss over him. He was still holding his cheek, but he shrugged away from his mother’s hand. “She’s got as much a right as anybody to be pissed at me.”

 

“You’re damn right I do. And you want to know something? You got off light. One slap isn't enough. It's not nearly enough."

 

"Rose." Emmett put his hand on his wife's arm.

 

"No," Jasper said. He dropped his hand to his side. There was a bright red hand print across his cheek that, frankly, impressed Edward. Jasper took a deep breath and did his best to square his shoulders. "Let her say what she needs to say."

 

Rosalie didn't need any further prompting. She stepped into Jasper's personal space and even though he was taller than she was, she seemed to dwarf him. "It's the least of what you deserved for what you did to Kaylee alone. How fucking dare you? There’s no circumstance I can understand running away from your child. That choice was taken away from me -- to be able to carry my own children, to create a child so easily. Yet pissants like you can knock up every girl on the block without a second thought. It’s a gift, Jasper. I don’t care if she was stillborn, she’d have been a gift, and you spit on that without a second thought.

 

“And don’t even get me started on just what kind of coward it takes to do what you did to Bella. She was twenty-one years old, Jasper, just a kid. It only makes it worse that you thought the baby died. Do you even realize just how shitty a person you have to be to do something like that? What, it wasn’t enough that she lost her daughter and was, for all you knew, crippled, but you thought she should have to deal with her boyfriend dumping her all in the same day?”

 

Bella was squeezing Edward’s hand so tightly it hurt, but he was fairly sure he was squeezing her hand just as much. There was a lump in his throat too painful to swallow down. He couldn’t have spoke even if he wanted to. From the look on everyone else’s faces, they were much in the same boat. His mother and father both looked torn. Emmett was staring at the ground. As could be expected, Jasper looked worst of all of them. He seemed to shrink with each word, and the color had long since drained from his face. Edward wouldn’t have been surprised if his knees gave out.

 

Yet no one stopped Rosalie. Maybe it was because she had found the words to articulate everything the rest of them had been thinking, feeling, holding back because it was too much -- too much anger and hurt and frustration and lost time, all of it so senseless.

 

“You left your baby brother to clean up your messes just like he usually did, or did you even notice that? Did you notice how many times Edward covered for you when you made a promise to your parents you didn’t think twice about breaking? He could have stepped back and let you sabotage your own relationship with Bella, but despite how he felt about her, he always tried to help you fix it when you fucked things up with her. He listened to her vent and, rather than encourage her anger toward you, he defended you as best as he could. We all thought you were a good man, even if you had your problems, but obviously Edward turned out to be everything you couldn’t. That’s the one good thing that came out of the clusterfuck you left behind. Bella and Kaylee deserved so much better than you, and they got it. So help me God, if you try to fuck with that, I will end you myself.”

 

“I wouldn’t.” Jasper's voice was a barely there rasp. "Christ, Rosalie. After everything, you think I even thought for a second I could just walk back into my old life?"

 

"Shut up. I'm not even nearly done with you. You've been going on and on about how you want us to be honest. You want us all to say what we've wanted to say. Well if they won't, I will.

 

"You broke my husband. Fucked up asshole that you were, you were the one he leaned on. Emmett was going out of his mind, he was so stressed out after you left.  The family was falling apart and we were trying to have another baby. He needed you. He needed his best friend and you abandoned him too."

 

"Rose." Esme's tone was pained and sharp.  "Maybe we can-"

 

"Let. Her. Speak," Jasper's gritted out. His breath was so labored, his shoulders rose and fell.

 

"Don't you speak to your mother like that," Rose snapped before Edward could. "Kaylee was better off without you. Bella got Edward out of the deal. What you've put Esme and Carlisle through is 100% crap.

 

"You know your mother blames herself for all of this? She always has. You can’t imagine how many times she’s apologized to Bella, Edward, all of us."

 

"Because it's my fault!" Esme put a hand over her mouth. Her eyes watered and her breath hitched. Carlisle folded her in his arms and almost everyone else started to protest.

 

"That's bullshit, Mom," Edward said. He dropped Bella's hand to go to his mother's side. "This is all him. All of it."

 

She shook her head slowly. "Not all of it." She raised her eyes to Edward and they were filled with pain and shame. "You don't understand the choices you make when you have no self-worth. You can't understand, and I'm so thankful for that."

 

Jasper took a shaky breath and took a careful step in Esme's direction, casting a wary look at Edward before he stopped. "They're right, Mom. How could any of this be your fault?"

 

Esme went to him and cupped his face in her hands. It struck Edward then, the way his brother's face registered shock, as though he hadn't been touched tenderly in so long, he'd forgotten what it felt like. She stroked his cheeks. "I grew up believing I was worthless. The things my parents said, what they did to me, it all reinforced that one fact."

 

She dropped her hands and wrapped them around herself. "When I met Charles I was so grateful for him. I couldn't understand how anyone could love me..." She stumbled over her words but recovered after a moment. "I thought he was a saint to put up with me, since I obviously caused him so much trouble."

 

Edward curled his hand into a fist, rage making his blood boil. He remembered when Jasper's father had put him in the hospital and Edward figured out what his mother's first husband had done to her.

 

She reached out to stroke Jasper's cheek again. "So you see, it is my fault at least partially. I didn't break the cycle in time for you. I made so many mistakes. I stayed too long. Then I was too much of a coward to report him, so I had no legal leg to stand on when he sought custody. You can't tell me if you'd grown up like Edward and Emmett, with a man who knew how to be a father and a mother who could recognize abuse, you'd be here right now."

 

Jasper opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. Instead, he pulled his mother to him and rocked her in his arms. "It’s not your fault,” he said.

 

After a minute, Carlisle was able to get everyone moving into the dining room. No one even pretended to be hungry.

 

Jasper spoke first. He sounded tired, defeated. “There’s not a lot I wouldn’t do if it would make things right between us. I know that’s going to take time and a lot of effort. I just…” He spread his hands out wide on the table, imploring. “You gotta tell me where to start. Anything. Something small. Just…” He gestured helplessly. “Anything.”

 

Surprisingly, Rosalie gave a disgruntled groan before she said. “I’ve been thinking about this a lot. There’s only one reason I agreed to see you today. I can’t speak for Edward and Bella, but I’ll be damned if I make your parents suffer for your mistakes. Carlisle’s birthday is in another two weeks. You’ll see my kids then. Whether or not I want you to talk to them or touch them is another story, but I won’t take them away from their grandparents just because I don’t want them anywhere near you.”

 

Edward started. He’d been so wrapped up in all things Jasper, he hadn’t even realized his father’s birthday was drawing closer let alone the implications of what that meant for his family. He looked to Bella and saw the slight panic he felt written on her face.

 

Jasper glanced at them and quickly looked down at the table, but not before Edward saw the flash of hope on his features. He knew what this meant as well as Edward and Bella did. He didn’t ask, though. Instead he raised his head to Rose and Emmett. “That’s… yeah. That would be great. Anything you want. “

  
Bella rested her hand on Edward’s knee and squeezed. They were going to have to make a decision on letting Jasper see Kaylee sooner rather than later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Many thanks to barburella, songster, and of course, jfka06.
> 
> Well… did that go better or worse than you expected?


	11. Where Do I Belong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: FAQ- Are we gonna see more E/B stuff?   
> A- Of course. Next chapter should be another flashback chapter.
> 
> Oh, and someone asked about what Rosalie said about her not being able to have kids. To be clear, she was unable to carry her children herself and so her and Emmett’s babies, while biologically theirs, were carried by a surrogate.

Dawn hadn’t yet broken when Jasper eased open the door of his parents’ house, returning from his shift at the gas station. He had a brief flash of memory as he stood in the foyer.

 

In his late teens and early twenties...hell, right up into his late twenties, he remembered crawling back home at all hours of the night. As long as Jasper remembered, he lived a semi-nomadic life. First Charles had moved them around, then he spent his time being shipped back and forth between Charles and his mother. Then, when he was old enough to rebel, it was an endless stream of guest bedrooms, friends’ couches, and yes, his bedroom in his parents’ home.

 

Always when he walked in the door before, Jasper was hit with a sense of longing. He didn’t know that he had ever considered this house his home. He didn’t know that he had a home. Emmett, when he lived there, belonged to this house. Edward most definitely belonged here with his mother and father. But Jasper? There was always this sense that he didn’t belong, didn’t quite fit in. Whenever he came back to stay, for a night or a week or a month, there was that one moment when he walked in the door when he thought maybe this time I’ll stay for good.

 

He never had before. That longing to stay, to belong, was always overpowered by the call of oblivion. Such was the life of an addict. Addiction wasn’t a choice; it was a redefinition of normal.

 

When he was in the clinic, one of the days when a patient brought one of their family members to group to be confronted, one of his friends, Lucy, had been front and center with her teenage daughter Nettie.

 

“It’s like… air. You know, it’s like… when you can’t have it, it’s the same thing as not being able to breathe. Like your lungs are too small and you can’t fill them. It starts to hurt, and you start to think you just can’t take it. Like you’re gonna die without it. And you can’t think of nothing else. You can’t concentrate at all. How could you concentrate when you can’t breathe? Could you think of paying bills, or work if you couldn’t breathe? Could you think-”

 

“Of your daughter.” Nettie spat the words. “Yeah, Mom. I get it. The drugs were more important to you.”

 

Lucy looked down, but she shook her head. “Not more important. Never more important. Just….necessary. I’m trying to tell you how it feels. I ain’t excusing what I done. It’s just...you don’t think the same. A mom who couldn’t breathe couldn’t take care of a kid either. Not until she could breathe again. Not until she wasn’t dying.”

 

“You weren’t dying when you weren’t having it. You were dying more when you did get your hit.”

 

“Yeah. Yeah, I know that. In your mind you know that, but that’s not what it feels like. It feels like someone’s got their hands around your neck and they’re squeezing the life out of you. That’s the truth. That was what was real to me. It’s not an excuse. It’s not. I know that. But please. Please can’t you understand? It’s real to me. It’s as real as this chair I’m sitting in. This building. This city.”

 

Jasper shook his head, willing the memory to fade. He understood the desperation in Lucy’s voice only too well now. How often in the last few weeks had he wanted to drop to his knees, beg his brothers or Bella or Rosalie or his parents to understand. They didn’t have to forgive him. He didn’t expect forgiveness, but couldn’t they understand? If he’d been in his right mind, he never would have chosen this, to hurt any of them the way he had, but his reality was warped. It took time to build enough strength that he could remember what the real world was supposed to look like even when he couldn’t see it with his own eyes.

 

His need to leave was synonymous with his drug use. He’d never brought drugs into this house. Deep at the center of his being, he’d always known no matter how much he ached to belong, he never could. He couldn’t bring his warped reality into this home, into this loving family.

 

Now the call to leave wasn’t nearly as loud as it had been once. It still shouted in his ear from time to time, but he was resolute that he would never answer it again. Still, though he had no need to leave, he wasn’t any closer to belonging. He was on an island tantalizingly close to the mainland. He could see it, but he was separate, forever adrift. In his worst moments, he wondered what he was even trying to do here. There was never a time he’d truly belonged to this family. Maybe once, a long time ago when they’d first run from his father, he belonged to his mother, with his mother, but he had never been part of this larger family. There was nothing for him to return to.

 

His despair was further compounded by the fact he didn’t know much about who he was. Drugs and an addict’s mentality had been part of his personality for so long, he didn’t know much about himself outside that context. He didn’t know how to fit in with his parents and Emmett, all of whom were trying so hard to accept him, when he didn’t know who he was supposed to be.

 

Making the shift from addict to recovering addict was akin to restarting his life. He was starting from the beginning with his job, his family, his self. Except he wasn’t a newborn. He was thirty-one, and he was supposed to have his shit together by this point.

 

The noise of running water broke Jasper’s downward spiral. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. It took another minute or so before he could push up from the kitchen table where he’d sat. The weight on his shoulders seemed too heavy for him to move, but he did it anyway.

 

Maybe he had no idea where he fit in his new life or with his family, but he wasn’t entirely useless. Carlisle started work at the hospital early, and since he was up and about around the time Jasper got home from the gas station, they’d developed a sort of routine. Jasper moved to the stove and started a kettle of tea. He sliced the lemons and retrieved the sugar pot from the counter and milk from the refrigerator.

 

By the time the kettle whistled, Carlisle was descending the stairs. He sat at the table, rubbing the last of sleep from his eyes as Jasper poured them both a cup of tea. “Thank you,” Carlisle said. He began to pour sugar and milk into the cup. “How was your shift tonight?”

 

Jasper poured too much sugar into his tea and told Carlisle about his night.

 

This, he thought, was a start. He wasn’t useless. He was working. He was as helpful as he could be with his parents. He enjoyed these early morning talks with his father. At noon, his mother would come home for lunch and he would enjoy a few quiet minutes with her. Emmett wanted to take him to a game -- they’d enjoyed games together back in the day. He was going to have lunch with Laurent in a few days, hopefully gaining a friend who straddled his two worlds, his two selves. In another week and a day, he’d see his nephew again and meet his niece.

 

Progress was being made. It was an inch when he had thousands of miles to go, but it was progress. He could live with that.

 

Frankly, he didn’t have another choice.

**~0~**

Jasper had Mondays and Wednesdays off. He woke on Wednesday just before noon, right before his mother came home from lunch. He had enough time to shower and make himself presentable.

 

He was glad he’d taken the extra time to be freshly shaven and clean. Esme didn’t walk in the door alone. Bella walked in with her. Jasper’s automatic reaction was to stand up straighter, like a soldier saluting his higher-ups. He hadn’t seen or heard from either Edward or Bella in a week and a half. “Hey,” he said, the picture of eloquence.

 

She looked green around the edges, and her arms were folded over her chest.

 

“Is, um…” Jasper struggled not to mimic her closed off body language. “Is everything okay?”

 

Bella huffed and fixed him with a hard look. “No. It’s not. When I thought about you these last three years, it was almost unbearable. I was happy with Edward. I am happy with him, but always there was this part of me worried about you. I resent that, Jasper. I resent that you left us all to imagine what the hell happened to you.”

 

Jasper stopped trying to resist crossing his arms. He shrank backward and sat heavily on the steps. Luckily, Bella didn’t seem to want a response from him. She’d begun pacing, rambling as if she’d forgotten he was there at all.

 

“I wanted an answer. I wanted you to come home. I wanted to see you were safe. Not because I needed you, because I didn’t, but I never hated you. I never wanted to see you dead or hurt. This… This is almost a be-careful-what-you-wish-for situation. I hoped and prayed you would come out of this okay. I never stopped hoping for that, but now you’re here, and I don’t know what to do.” She wrung her hands, still not looking at him. “I’m never going to be ready for this.”

 

“Ready for what?” The words came out strained. Jasper looked to his mother, but she was no help. Her face showed only concern, and she stood equidistant between both Jasper and Bella.

 

Bella stopped in her tracks. She closed her eyes tightly and took a deep breath before she turned to look at him. “I want to take you to meet Kaylee. Today. Right now. Before I change my mind.”

 

Jasper’s breath caught in his throat. He had to have heard wrong. But her expression and the way the color had drained from her face made him think he wasn’t crazy.

 

“Rosalie was right,” Bella continued, her voice shaky. “Kaylee knows it’s her Grandpa’s birthday this weekend. She’s excited about it. It wouldn’t be fair to either of them to keep her away because of you.

 

“But this happens on my terms."

 

"O- okay. Yeah. Anything."

 

"I want her to meet you because I don't want you to be a stranger at a family get-together. But you're not going to tell her anything besides your name." There was a threat to Bella's tone Jasper had never heard before. Her words weren't a request. She was demanding this of him.

 

Jasper swallowed hard and nodded. "Okay."

 

"You let her interact with you. If she doesn't touch you, you don't get to touch her. You get it?"

 

"Yes." Jasper could barely speak, his mouth was so dry. He licked his lips, more nervous than he'd ever been in his life. He could have thrown up, he was so scared and...

 

Excited. Hopeful.

 

They were dangerous emotions. He  forced himself to look at Bella. "Does Edward know? Did he agree?"

 

Bella's face softened. "He knows. Of course he knows. You can't imagine how hard this decision was for both of us but Edward especially. He can't hold his temper yet, and he didn't want Kaylee to pick up on the fact he was upset. He's staying at work."

 

"Okay." Jasper clenched and relaxed his fists, trying to steady his breath. "Okay. I need just one second."

 

He stood on shaky legs and darted up the stairs. On his nightstand, beside the defunct birth certificate, was the small gift he'd purchased just a few days before. It wasn't much, just a colorful stuffed frog, but Esme had said Kaylee liked stuffed animals and he liked frogs. It was a start. A small token he'd purchased telling himself someday he would get to meet his daughter.

 

He wouldn't have dared dream it would be so soon. The last month and a half that he'd been home, he'd thought about her every day. The need to see her was almost unbearable. It was torture knowing she was so close, alive and thriving, yet barred from him. But now he wasn't ready. He was terrified she'd just know and would hate him on sight.

 

"Is this okay?" he asked, holding the toy out for Bella's inspection like he was the child needing parental approval. "I'm not trying to bribe her or anything. I didn't want to be completely empty handed.”

 

Bella nodded. “It’s fine.”

 

The whole drive to Bella’s house, Jasper couldn’t sit still. He sat in the back seat, squirming and wiggling and generally trying not to have a heart attack. He didn’t know if he was allowed to smile. He wanted to beam, but he was also scared out of his mind. If he and his mother were alone, he would have kept up a constant stream of what if’s and maybe she would have had the right words to calm him. As it was, he stayed completely quiet, afraid Bella would change her mind and send him away again.

 

When they pulled into her driveway, Jasper broke into a cold sweat. He managed to get out of the car, but then he couldn’t move. He stared at the house as if it was going to rear up and eat him any given moment.

 

Esme came around to his side of the car and took his hand. Jasper clung to his mother like he was a child instead of a full grown man and let her pull him forward.

 

Bella hadn’t even put her key in the door before it came open. A man stood there, and Jasper had just enough time to recognize him as Kaylee’s nanny, Jacob, before his eyes slid to the tiny girl he held in his arms.

 

Jasper stopped short, knocked instantly breathless at the sight of her. All the pictures, all the videos in the world couldn’t compare to seeing his baby, his child with his own eyes. Her face lit up in a grin. “Mommy,” she cried, pitching forward out of Jacob’s arms. Bella caught her easily, and Kaylee flung her arms around her neck. “It’s early, Mommy. You missed snack time, but maybe Jakey can make you something.”

 

“Don’t worry about me, little bird. I’m okay.”

 

Jasper started when his view of Kaylee was obscured by a massive body. He blinked and gasped, realizing only then he hadn’t taken a breath in a while. It took him another few seconds to realize he was being judged. Hard. He cleared his throat and offered his hand. “Jasper Whitlock.”

 

Jacob looked at his hand as though it was dirty, but after an uncomfortable few seconds he took it. “Jacob Black.”

 

As could be expected, Jacob squeezed Jasper’s hand in the alpha-male grip of death. Jasper didn’t try to outdo him, but he was careful not to react either. He knew a test when he saw one. The look on the other man’s face was clear. He thought Jasper was scum, and if it was up to him, there was no way he was getting in this door.

 

After a moment, Jacob huffed and stepped back to Bella’s side. He was like a watchdog, ready to jump in to protect his masters at a moment’s notice.

 

“Mommy, did you bring a friend over to play?”

 

Jasper’s heart skipped a beat. Kaylee was looking at him, her eyes curious but not at all wary. In fact, she was smiling. His smile. She looked so much like him, it was impossible for Jasper not to see it, to know at least in blood she was his. The piece of his heart, his soul, that she’d owned since the second he knew of her existence glowed bright and hot inside him. He sucked in a breath, choked by the enormity of the emotion that welled in him.

 

Bella sighed and kissed her forehead. “Yeah, baby, something like that. Let’s go inside.”

 

Again Esme had to tug Jasper’s hand to get him to move. It was a surreal moment for him. He’d spent a lot of time in this house. He’d spent time with Bella, his head resting against her growing belly, telling his baby girl, this baby girl, all the things they would do together when she made her way out into the world.

 

Bella set Kaylee down in the living room, and the little girl ran straight to Jasper’s feet. She craned her head, looking up at him, so completely fearless, Jasper was instantly charmed. “Hi hi! I’m Kaylee. Who are you?”

 

Jasper sunk down to his knees. His legs were too weak to hold him, and he wanted to be more on her level anyway. He had to swallow several times before he could speak. “My name’s Jasper,” he said, his voice a scratchy whisper.

 

She reached out and touched his scraggly hair. Self-conscious, Jasper wished he’d thought to get a haircut, but she only giggled. The sound made him want to smile. “Your hair is long.”

 

“Yeah. Yeah, it is.” He cleared his throat again. It was difficult to speak or even breathe around the lump. “I, umm… I have something for you. It’s polite, you know, to bring something for the little lady of the house.” His hand shook as he held the little frog he’d had in a death grip since he got out of the car.

 

Kaylee’s eyes lit up. She snatched it from his hand and hugged it close to her. “Is it a boy or a girl froggy?” She studied it carefully. “I think it’s a girl, but I can’t tell.”

 

“I, uh… I think you’re right.”

 

“What’s her name?”

 

“Well, I’m not sure. We only just met, see.”

 

Kaylee hummed and she put her lips to the frog’s ear. “That’s okay. We’ll find you a good name.” She petted the thing as though it were a dog and then she surprised the hell out of Jasper by throwing her arms around his neck, froggy and all. “Thanks.”

 

Unsure of what he was doing, Jasper let his arms close around the tiny girl in a quick hug. “It… It’s my pleasure, sugar.”

 

All too soon she was backing out of his hug, onto the next thing. “Tha’s funny. You called me sugar like my daddy. Do you know the sugar song too?”

 

“I can’t say I do.”

 

“That’s okay. I can learn you it.” She flopped down on the floor on her back. “It’s like this.” She began to sing in a child’s warble, the words more spoken than melodic. “Sugar, sugar you’re so sweet. All the sugar I could eat. I would even eat your feet. Rawr!” She made gobbling noises as she tried to pull her feet toward her mouth.

 

Jasper had to put a hand over his mouth. His eyes stung. He could almost see Edward leaning over her, his eyes proud and full of love like any good daddy’s would be, singing a silly song to his daughter and pretending to eat her feet. Jasper took a shaky breath. He loved this little girl. The strength of the love he felt rocked him at the soul level. He loved her, but she called another man, his brother, Daddy.

 

Tears spilled over before he could stop them.

 

Kaylee’s eyebrows knitted at the center as she looked up to him. She got to her feet, her little froggy secure in her arms and went to him. “Is you sad?”

 

Jasper wiped his sleeve across his eyes, sniffing hard. He put on a smile at the little girl. “No, I’m not sad, sugar.”

 

She held her arms up, and Jasper knelt with one knee on the the ground, the other forming a seat which Kaylee climbed up on. She looked at him with concern and tilted her head up to press a wet smack of a kiss against his tear-streaked cheek. “My daddy kisses me like this when I cry. Don’t be sad, Mister Man.” She put one arm about his neck and pointed, froggy still in hand, at one of the scattered toys about. “You can play with my dolly, okay?”

 

"Thanks,  Kaylee-girl." He ducked his head to bury his nose for a brief moment in her hair.

 

Bella stepped forward, reminding Jasper he wasn't alone. "Kaylee, why don't you go play with Jake? I need to talk to Jasper now." Her voice shook.

 

Kaylee frowned. "I want to play here."

 

"Kaylee, don't argue with me right now."

 

The little girl looked for a moment like she was going to start but Jacob swept in. He plucked Kaylee out of Jasper's arms and tossed her in the air so she giggled. "Come on, munchkin. How about I teach you a new game?"

 

Jasper watched them ascend the stairs, his chest hurting more with each beat of his aching heart. His eyes blurred, and he blinked tears away furiously because he could still see her. He didn’t want to be robbed of one second. He would never get enough of seeing her there in front of him, living and breathing and smiling and sassy. But the second she was out of eyeshot, he slumped. It was all he could do to keep from breaking down.

 

He felt more than saw Bella come to stand in front of him. “She’s so beautiful,” he whispered. “She’s amazing.”

 

“Jasper… you can’t.” Bella’s words were tight, strained, and Jasper was confused. Though he was shaking like a leaf he looked up at her, watching as fury and fear warred on her face. “You can’t have her. She isn’t yours. You have to understand, she-”

 

He held his hand up to stop her flow of words. He didn’t think he could stand to hear them. “Please don’t.” He still couldn’t find enough volume, and his words were barely a breath. “You don’t… you don’t have to say that.”

 

“I do.” She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “I can’t do this anymore, Jasper. I can’t live wondering what you’re going to do. Tell me now, because I can’t take not knowing.”

 

It was difficult to concentrate on Bella’s words and what he should do. His head was a chaotic mess of up and down emotions. Joy, despair, pride, want. He didn’t know where to settle. He stood on fawns legs and stared at Bella. She was never meant to be his; he knew that. But he’d cared for her, loved her, and they’d created a child together. Kaylee was his. He saw it in her face and felt it in his heart, and if things had gone another way, maybe he always would have had to share his daughter with Edward, but she would have been his. She was supposed to be his.

He took a deep breath and then another because the next words he was going to say were going to be the most difficult he would ever utter. It would kill him, but Bella deserved to hear him say it. When he spoke his tone was quiet, remarkably steady. “There is nothing, and I mean nothing, I want more in the world than to be able to say she’s mine, but that’s not fair. I know how unfair that is. She’s so perfect, and I know I didn’t have anything to do with that. You and Edward were here for her every minute, teaching her, loving her, while I was…” He swallowed hard and looked away for a moment. He didn’t deserve his tears, and he wouldn’t make Bella see them.

 

“I’m promising you right now, I will never fight you for her. I won’t challenge the adoption. Ever. I know I’m not her father. I know. It’s… It’s more than I deserve, I know. I’d like… I’d like to be her uncle, but if you don’t want me to be even that, I’ll understand. It’s up to you. It’s completely up to you.”

 

He walked away then. He had to. He had no more strength left. There was a weight on his shoulders and his knees were about to give out. When they did, he would be crushed flat. He felt it coming, and he didn’t want Bella to have to deal with it. He went to the car, got in the passenger seat, and rested his forehead against the cold glass with his eyes closed.

 

Only a minute or so later, Esme got in the car. She was sniffling, but she didn’t try to talk, and for that Jasper was grateful. His throat was too tight to speak, his lungs too tight to breathe. Tears burned, but he wouldn’t allow them to overflow. Not yet. Not yet. For the too-short car-ride back to his parents’ house, Jasper tried to keep his mind blank. He wouldn’t be able to keep it up for long. His every damning thought was held behind a dam made of sticks, straining and cracking.

 

When they parked, Jasper trudged up the walk without looking back at his mother. He got as far as the foyer and couldn’t move any further. That same sense of longing hit him, and it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. He fell to his knees, his hands over his eyes, his shoulders shaking though he wasn’t crying yet. Not yet.

 

His mother’s soft touch only added to the intense pain. He hurt. He just hurt. It was an excruciating pain, and he didn’t understand how his heart kept beating through it. His lungs burned. The air might as well have been lead. When Esme put her arms around him, he fell against her, letting her hold him.

 

“I’m so stupid, Mom. I’m so, so stupid.”

 

She said nothing, but she rocked him, her fingers gentle in his hair.

 

His breath hitched and he babbled, the words nonsensical to his own ears. “How am I going to do this? How? I want her. I want her so much. I want to hold her and watch her grow. I want it all back, Mom. I want it back. All the years I missed. I want every day back.

 

“One day I’m going to have to look her in the eyes and tell her she could have been mine, but I was too stupid.”

  
His voice cracked and he couldn’t hold the tears back any longer. He broke down and cried inconsolably in his mother’s arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Um. Hi!
> 
> Many thanks to my beautiful girls, barburella, jfka06, songster, and jessypt.
> 
> How we doing out there?


	12. The Same Page

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Okay, so. There has been an accusation of irresponsibility, which I take very, very seriously. I often write fics BECAUSE other people have been so irresponsible with the topic, and I try very hard to be both truthful and responsible. Please feel free to move past the bold into the story.
> 
> The DSM (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual that psychiatrists and psychologists use to diagnose people with psychological disorders and illnesses) lists two different kinds of disorders in relation to drug use. There is drug abuse and drug addiction. Drug abuse is a symptom and yes, it is a choice. A very irresponsible choice (though I will say it is NOT a choice made in a vacuum. When you are in so much pain you would do anything to escape it, you make choices “normal” people wouldn’t. I’m under no delusions. If I had had access to drugs as a teen, I would have been an alcoholic or drug addict. I know this). 
> 
> Drug ADDICTION is a disease and it is not a choice. This is not something you can argue with me about. There is PHYSICAL evidence. If you take a scan of a healthy brain and compare it to an addicted brain, you will SEE the difference. It CHANGES your brain. Physically. More specifically, it changes the PRIORITIZING part of your brain, changes your priorities. Addiction is no more a choice than my diagnosis of manic depression.
> 
> However, the fact Jasper has a disease is NOT an EXCUSE. At no point in my story have I attempted to excuse any addict’s actions. Jasper doesn’t ask to be excused or forgiven. Maria didn’t ask to be excused in her diatribe. Because addiction, like manic depression, can be managed. You CAN get better. You CAN get help. The CHOICE here is to make the decision to get better, to face the consequences of the things you did under the influence of your disease. Even as a manic depressive, I had to make that choice. It is a HARD HARD HARD choice to make. It’s a lot of work, but I’ll admit, I get frustrated with the people who refuse to do it. 
> 
> My characters DO NOT seek to be excused nor forgiven. They DO seek to be UNDERSTOOD. Because, to me, there is a HUGE difference between a man who abandons his injured girlfriend and newborn because he’s a dick and one who does it because he is very, very sick. He still has to face the consequences. Not even his parents, who DO understand him, are protecting him from that. 
> 
> A quote from a site I found: Addicts aren’t bad people trying to get good. They’re sick people trying to get well. 
> 
> There is such a thing as having compassion for people without condoning the wrong they’ve done (which is what Carlisle and Esme represent in this story).

_**~10 Months Post Accident, Five Minutes Post First Kiss~** _

_The adult thing to do would have been to talk about what was going on between them, but Edward’s mouth was far too busy for such things._

__

_Over the years Edward had known Bella, he’d had his share of inane fantasies and passing curiosity. Bits and pieces stuck out in his memory._

__

_He remembered sitting in the kitchen of his parents’ home with his schoolwork spread out around him. Bella was waiting for Jasper to get home, and had started to help Esme make some kind of fancy dessert for a bake sale. Bella’s soft voice and the sound of her laughter as she chopped and mixed made for a soothing background to his constant study._

__

_He looked up and froze where he sat. He’d caught caught Bella in the act of cleaning her fingers by way of her tongue. It wasn’t that it struck him as erotic. That particular moment, he remembered wondering how long the sugar sweetness would last in her mouth._

__

_Today was the answer to that long held question. It frustrated Bella to no end that she had to work so hard to learn to walk again. To stop herself from gritting her teeth when she did her exercises, she’d taken to rolling a jawbreaker around her mouth. As a result, the lingering taste, as his tongue stroked hers, was a mix of sweet and sour. Lemon warhead. His lips puckered against hers._

__

_A flurry of other memories came to him, and Edward’s heart sped, his head spun, his fingers itched with want. She hadn’t said, of course, but he felt they were on the same page. She was touchable now, and he had dreamed of so many ways he wanted to touch her._

__

_Of course, that was when he remembered the baby in the arm that wasn’t wrapped around Bella. He pulled back, blinking as he tried to gather his wits about him. Kaylee still had her head on his shoulder, her fingers in her mouth, but her expression was more curious than sullen now, as though she couldn’t quite figure out what her two favorite people were doing._

__

_Edward glanced at Bella and smiled when he saw she looked just as out of sorts as he felt. Her lips were parted, her shoulders rising and falling with her pants. She glanced at Kaylee and back at Edward. They both laughed, a little titter of abashed giddiness._

__

_He still didn’t have the right words. He wasn’t done using his mouth for other things. Silent, he stood and took a few hurried steps to where the majority of Kaylee’s toys were set out. He tried to put her down on the blanket, but she wasn’t having it. She took her fingers out of her mouth so she could wrap her arms around his neck, growling her displeasure in that way that only very small children could. He tried again with the same result. Kaylee only clung tighter._

__

_Edward sighed and ran his free hand through his hair. He glanced at Bella. "Dinner?"_

__

_She swallowed hard and nodded. "Dinner."_

__

_Even after their decision Edward was reluctant to move. There was a peculiar sense of foreboding in the room, as if he would die if he had to be as far away as the kitchen from Bella. But she must have been on the same page because she lunged for her crutches. Edward went to her side, offering his free arm so she she could pull herself up._

__

_Rather than move immediately as she usually did, when she found herself so close to him, she lingered. Her eyes darted down to his lips, and that was all it took. He circled her waist to bring her up against him again, and her crutches clattered to the floor. She tilted her head up as he tilted his head down._

__

_Kaylee must have decided she thought they were hilarious because she started to giggle. She patted Bella’s face as Edward straightened up again. “Ma,” she said, leaning forward, trying to wrap her arms around Bella’s neck._

__

_“Whoa, sugar. Hold on,” Edward said, angling his body so he was still supporting Bella but Kaylee was further away from her. “Mommy can’t carry you yet.”_

__

_It took another minute, but they made their way together to the kitchen. Edward settled Kaylee in her highchair with a toy to distract her. He turned back to Bella. She gasped when he lifted her up onto the counter, crutches  and all. Her shock turned into a grin, and she set aside her crutches so she could pull him toward her for another kiss. Kaylee babbled at them, not at all pleased to be missing out on this new game._

__

_Breathless, Edward pulled away but not very far. He stroked her cheek. “Three fifty?”_

__

_Bella blinked at him. “What?”_

__

_Edward closed his eyes a moment and laughed at his own ridiculousness. His thoughts were zipping around his head at a mile a minute, each of them clamoring for attention while he simultaneously wanted to lose himself in Bella. Somewhere in all of that, it occurred to him they had not had dinner. Kaylee, at the very least, needed to be fed and played with. Bella should be studying. Then the baby had to be put to bed. “Scalloped potatoes, just the box kind, to go with your chicken piccata. You set the oven to three fifty.”_

__

_She licked her lips and glanced to Kaylee and back, catching up to him. “Oh. Yeah. I think so.”_

__

_Reluctant, he took her hands in his and brought them to his lips for a lingering kiss. Then he helped her off the counter, supporting her weight while they hobbled the few steps to the kitchen table._

__

_It was surreal how quickly everything could go back to business as usual when his entire world had changed. The last many months of his life had been exactly like this: him finishing up dinner while Bella studied or played with Kaylee._

__

_In the disquieting normalcy that settled over them, Edward began to worry. They hadn’t said more than two words to each other since that first kiss, and while he knew what he wanted, he couldn’t be sure what she was thinking. The possibility they were on the same page filled him with a hope he’d never known, but if he was misreading her…_

__

_Time passed slowly, but though they went about their usual routine, there was a marked difference. They touched whenever they could. They were small touches--he drew his fingers across her back as he went by, she brushed his hand with hers when she passed the salt._

__

_Those innocent touches were incendiary. Desire mounted by the minute, and it was all Edward could do to keep himself from pulling her to him and pressing her up against the nearest surface. Was that moving too fast? She obviously wanted to kiss him, but did she want more?_

__

_Edward wanted everything._

__

_Even though they’d had time over dinner and as they were getting Kaylee ready for bed, they still didn’t talk. They chatted with Kaylee and exchanged necessary information, but they didn’t talk about why their gazes lingered, why her foot stroked up his leg as they ate._

__

_“She’s asleep,” Bella said when Edward emerged from the kitchen after putting the dishes in the dishwasher._

__

_Kaylee indeed had passed out cold on her playmat, her hand in a fist up by her head. Edward smiled as he padded over to her. He squatted down and brushed a strand of hair away from her pretty face. His baby was precious._

__

_His baby._

__

_How little it took to let himself dream._

__

_Careful to jostle her as little as possible, Edward gathered Kaylee up unto his arms, rubbing her back when she whimpered. When he turned, Bella grabbed his elbow and turned him back. He was caught by the flicker of uncertainty and something else, something feral in her eyes. “Come back for me,” she said._

__

_Lightning went down Edward’s spine striking him in his cock. The look on her face, the way she licked her lips after she spoke… he didn’t think there was another way to read her words. Normally she was stubborn enough to insist on getting up the stairs herself, but that was a slow, laborious process. If she wanted him to carry her up, she was in a bigger rush than all that._

__

_Edward swallowed hard and nodded. He headed up the stairs, forcing himself to keep an even gait. If he woke Kaylee now, he was going to regret it. He laid her in her crib in Bella’s room and rubbed her tummy until she settled again. When he was satisfied she would stay asleep, he hurried back downstairs._

__

_Bella reached for him as he reached for her. If nothing else, they seemed to be on the same page that talking was for chumps. He hooked one arm at the crook of her legs and lifted her, fusing their mouths the instant it was possible._

__

_How he made it up the stairs without killing them both, he wasn't sure. Somehow, though, they were in his room and Bella on his bed. Edward crawled over her in the next heartbeat, holding himself up on one arm as their kisses quickly escalated in urgency._

__

_Some small, unwelcome voice in his head began to whisper. This wasn't how it was done. They weren't supposed to go from first kisses hours ago to horizontal in his bed without so much as a word of explanation. Their situation wasn't simple. And anyway, why did he assume this was what she wanted? This was his long-held fantasy. Bella was appreciative. She cared for him, certainly. Maybe she was lonely, and all of those were not the right reasons for this to happen._

__

_But she was willing, wanting. Her hips bucked up to meet his. Her hands tangled in his hair, tugging him closer._

__

_With a groan he let his arm collapse so his body pinned hers to the bed. She hooked her good leg up around his waist, and he thought he was going to die of pure pleasure of  it._

__

_Still, he couldn’t assume. He shouldn’t. “Tell me to stop,” he murmured against the skin of her neck. Christ, she smelled delicious. He wanted to taste-_

__

_“Stop.”_

__

_He stopped instantly though he was sure he must have heard wrong. He pulled back. “What?”_

__

_She groaned and covered her face with her hands. “Oh, God. We don’t…” She swallowed and sighed, dropping her hands to his shoulders. “Condom,” she said. “We don’t have condoms.”_

__

_Though she was speaking plain English her meaning didn’t sink in to Edward’s thick skull for a few more seconds. When it did, he started. Guilt permeated the haze of desire. It was something he should have thought of._

__

_He opened his mouth to apologize, but something about the irritation and dismay written all over her face stopped him. He bit the inside of his cheek, trying to resist the urge to laugh. It was just such a ridiculous, surreal situation. This morning she had been his best friend, his niece’s mother, the woman he’d wanted for years but never dared to think he could have. Now she was pressed against him, pouting because she wanted him and yet…_

__

_They had to be responsible. If they weren’t going to talk first, and it didn’t seem like either of them was in the mood for that, Bella getting knocked up accidentally--again--wasn’t going to make anything less complicated._

__

_She just looked so perturbed about it._

__

_Unable to help himself any longer, Edward ducked his head to bury his titter into her hair. He almost felt bad except then she began to giggle with him. The way her body shook beneath his did nothing to alleviate his craving for her which only made him laugh harder, which got her going as well._

__

_It was minutes before their giggles tapered off. By then, Edward had rolled to the side, bringing Bella with him. He stroked her cheek, running the pads of his fingers over her flushed skin. Her hands were gentle along his back. They needed to talk._

__

_He pressed his thumb to the underside of her chin and tilted her head up._

__

_But not yet._

__

_He kissed her soundly. His fingers stroked a line down her neck. He shifted so she was on her back and he on his side leaning over her. He brought his hand to cup her breast, and she gasped, pulling out of his kiss. “Edward, we-”_

__

_“Shhhh.” He kissed her again. “Do you trust me?”  He brushed his thumb over her nipple, stimulating the sensitive flesh through the cloth that covered her._

__

_Her breath shuddered hot against his face. “Yes.”_

__

_He straightened up onto his knees, pulling her into a sitting position long enough to pull her shirt up over her head. His fingers played at the front clasp of her bra. Her eyes were dark with want, but he asked anyway. “Do you want me?”_

__

_“Yes,” she said and leaned forward to nip at his lips as he freed her from the confines of her bra._

__

_It was all Edward needed to hear. His lips made a beeline for her breasts lingering only long enough to pay the barest homage to her neck and collarbone. He flicked the tip of her tit with the tip of his tongue and traced his thumb along the curve of her breast. He lapped and licked and occasionally nipped until she was squirming. She tugged at his shirt, and he stopped only long enough to pull it off. He made muffled whimpers of contentment as her fingers pressed along his bare skin._

__

_After a minute he let his hand drift down her body. He ran a fingertip around her belly button, grinning when she writhed and gasped at the light touch. He let his hand dip lower still and unbuttoned her jeans, slipping his hand into her panties._

__

_The result was immediate. Bella moaned and pushed up against his hand. In his life, Edward had encountered nothing as erotic as the noise of Bella’s pleasure. There was a harmonic range of it, he quickly discovered, and he was eager to find its extent._

__

_To that end, he made a wet trail down her torso and lapped around her bellybutton--how he loved the the little squeal she made and the way her body jolted--as he worked to get her jeans off._

__

_When he straightened up to pull them all the way down her legs, he was momentarily distracted by the scars that littered her skin from thigh to ankle. Scars from surgery and from shrapnel. All Edward’s thoughts, fears, and anger about the accident came back to him along with the most unwelcomed thoughts of his brother._

__

_He knew the accident wasn’t Jasper’s fault, but he was still angry. It had been Jasper’s job to take care of her, and he’d failed in every respect._

__

_But he didn’t want to think about Jasper then. He didn’t want to rehash his fury and confusion. How could his brother not see the precious gift Bella and Kaylee were? How could he have mistreated them so badly? And yet, if Jasper had taken care of his girls the way he was supposed to, Edward wouldn’t be here in this bed with this woman._

__

_Bella touched his cheek. “Edward?” the word was small and uncertain. When he looked up, he was horrified to see shame and uncertainty in her eyes. Of course. She couldn’t have any idea what he was thinking as he stared at her disfigured leg. “You don’t-”_

__

_He silenced her with a thorough kiss, working her panties down as he slid his tongue along hers. When he felt the tension go out of her, he released her lips with a wet smack and returned his attention further down her body. He kissed each of the scars he could before he licked his way along her inner thigh._

__

_Her breath was heavy, her fingers curled around his neck, playing with his hair. Her good leg rested over his shoulder, her heel rubbing his back. The occasional word fell from her lips. “Please,” when his tongue teased her clit and licked the moisture from her slit. “Oh,” when his tongue parted her lips. “More,” when his laps were too slow. “Oh, yes. Yes,” when he added his fingers so he could play with her clit or slip inside her._

__

_“Edward,” when she came, her fingers tangling in his hair with a grip that might have been painful if Edward wasn’t so lost in her pleasure._

__

_He sat back on his haunches, knowing full well the smirk on his face had to be smug. He said nothing but gazed at her unabashedly, watching the way her body moved as she caught her breath. Her eyelashes fluttered as she looked up at him, her eyes unfocused at first. When she saw him watching her, her lips turned up. “Come here,” she said, her voice gravel-rough and sexy._

__

_Not about to disobey an order like that, Edward lowered himself back down. She curled against him so they were both on their sides and kissed him, licking her own taste off his tongue. As she did, she worked her hands between them, releasing him from where he strained against the confines of his jeans. She kept his lips busy with hers as she wrapped her hand around his cock._

__

_It had been a long time since he’d had anyone in his bed, and this was Bella. Bella whom he’d touched and tasted and whose moans and mewls were all the foreplay he would ever need. He was already worked up. It was only a minute, two at most, before he spilled into her hand, drowning his ecstasy in her mouth._

__

_They lingered even after they’d both caught their breaths and the heat had receded from the atmosphere. Edward was sorely tempted to wrap her up in his arms and fall asleep. He’d often imagined ending his days that way._

__

_But it was better to clear the line between fantasy and reality sooner than later. Edward’s throat tightened. If he got out of this bed, they would have to talk. The way she kissed him, the way she was looking at him then with open adoration, Edward doubted he was alone in what he felt for her. Still, it didn’t mean they could untangle the mess they were about to make with their already complex relationship._

__

_Edward pressed a long kiss against Bella’s forehead before he rolled out of bed. “I’ll be right back.”_

__

_He wetted a washcloth and returned to bed to clean them both off. He paid specific detail to each of her fingers, stalling._

__

_In the end, for all his stumbling and over-thinking, it was simple. Bella cupped his cheek and called his name quietly. He looked up, his heart pounding, knowing this woman was about to change his life forever one way or another._

__

_She took a deep breath. “Do you want us?”_

__

_His heart skipped a beat. DId she mean them, him and her as a unit, or them, her and Kaylee, he wondered. Either way, the answer was the same. “Yes.”_

__

_Her eyes were intense on his, steady, and he could see hope tinged around the edges with uncertainty. She pressed her lips together. “You know what that means, right? Whatever you feel for me, whatever our relationship becomes, if you’re Kaylee’s daddy…”_

__

_He squeezed her hands in his and pulled them to his heart. “I’ve wanted her to be mine since the moment I saw her. She knows me. All this time, you’ve been getting better, and I’m glad, but I’ve also been dreading the day I don’t get to see her first thing in the morning.” He raised her hands to his lips. “And you. Bella. I… I love you. Both of you.”_

__

_A smile spread wide across her face and she flung herself forward, her arms around his neck. “I love you.” She pulled back and kissed him once, twice, and grinned at him. “I think I’ll keep you.”_

**  
_She pulled him down with her back onto the bed again, and they lost themselves to soft touch and fervent kisses._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I think we get one more flashback chappie… the chappie after next. We’ll see what the kids do for me.
> 
> Many thanks to my girls, jfka06, barburella, and songster!


	13. Battles Fought and Lost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Okay, one more note for clarification, then I’m going to let the matter drop.
> 
> If I answered every one of my ornery anons up here, we’d never get to the story. I don’t have a problem with anons who don’t like my story or don’t like where I’m headed or don’t pick up what I’m putting down. That’s fine. A sensitive soul I’m not. The only reason I answered the anon before is because I take my responsibility as an author very seriously. I think the excuse “it’s fiction” is complete bologna. Fiction representing a whole group of people—in this case drug addicts—should be as accurate and truthfully represented as possible. It drives me nuts when authors are careless with other people’s reality just because it suits their fictional needs.
> 
> On that note, it concerned me that dear anon thought I was being irresponsible, and I can see where she’s coming from if she believes that drug addiction is not a disease. It is. Verifiable by science. Because drug addicts are people, the way they deal with addiction is different, and this is where their choices come in. Obviously, every case is unique.
> 
> To clarify, as previously stated, drug ABUSE is a choice, and it is that choice that triggers drug ADDICTION. So yes, Jasper brought it on himself. No one is arguing that. And yes, I’m well aware he wasn’t born with it. I have a mental illness. My mental illness was triggered the same as Jasper’s was. A brain scan of me at seven would have been healthy. Fourteen, not so much. So yes, I’m aware it was his choices that brought on his disease like it was my father’s choices that triggered mine.
> 
> The plot of this story is a drug addict having to deal with and take responsibility for his bad choices and deal with the illness he now has because of those choices. Whether you like him or you’re rooting for him or not, that’s all up to you. 
> 
> Thanks for bearing with me. Promise I’ll let the anons ramble from here on out.

It was only hours after he met his daughter for the first time that Jasper had to work. For a long time before his shift, he sat still on his bed in his room, trying to will himself to move. The weight on his shoulders was too much. There was no way he could sit up straight for so many hours under it. His eyes stung, raw from his crying jag.

 

He dragged himself out the door anyway, ignoring his parents’ offer of a late dinner.

 

At the gas station, he wandered around in a daze, tending his duties in a robotic manner. The first few hours weren’t so difficult. He could keep his mind carefully blank as he worked with the other attendant. The man, after several attempts to draw him into conversation, let them lapse into silence save for the occasional bustle of customers. Soon enough, though, Jasper was alone in the small space.

 

In the quiet of the night, the weight kept at bay by the distraction of customers’ questions, restocking merchandise, and keeping the place clean began to press on him. It crushed him slowly, stooping his shoulders, pressing his chest flat and his heart into a painful pancake.

 

Regret. He’d never tasted anything as bitter and awful as regret. It coated his tongue and throat.  It was thick on every breath he released. He needed nothing the way he needed a time machine, a reset button. It was too much. Wasn’t it enough that he had to start his life all over? Wasn’t that enough for anyone?

 

Jasper didn’t know what was worse. There was the gut-wrenching agony of knowing with utter certainty what he’d lost. He would never be a father to his daughter.  That it wasn’t death that stole her from him but his own sheer idiocy was maddening. She was there, in front of him, and not his. Never his.

 

The only thing that might have, might have, been worse than that, was the itch that crept under his skin. It was a burning itch, making every inch of his flesh crawl. It was an itch that whispered in his ear, murmuring soothing words, promising comfort, warmth--he was cold to the marrow of his bones--and most of all, relief. He could quell the pain, drive it away so he could breathe again, so he could feel some semblance of hope, some reason to go on.

 

He wanted.

 

He needed.

 

Though he could hardly string two words together when the odd customer came in and tried to make small talk, his mind was perfectly capable of figuring out the quickest way to get what he wanted. He still knew the right people to call, the right streets to be on. Hell, some of the customers who came in likely could have helped him right then and there.

 

“You okay, man?”

 

Jasper shook his head sharply and clenched his fists at his sides.  The voice was getting louder.  “Yeah, um.” He looked up at the customer, a young man with a twelve pack of brews. “Yeah, thanks… Can I see some ID?”

 

When the man had gone, Jasper tried to keep himself busy. He straightened and cleaned already straight and clean displays. He changed the filters in the coffee.

 

The itch didn’t abate because the pain of his loss didn’t abate. The voice began to shout.

 

He fumbled in his pocket and took out his phone. His hands shook so badly it took him minutes to scroll through his contact list. Luckily he stored his contacts first name first.  He jabbed at the number he needed. The call connected. Jasper tapped his foot restlessly as the phone rang. And rang. Rang.

 

Finally a tired voice said, “Jasper? What’s wrong?”

 

Jasper’s breath left him in a whoosh. He’d been holding it as the phone rang. “Alice?”

 

When he’d caught his breath, soothed by Alice’s encouraging voice, he told her about his day. His horrible, awful, wonderful, amazing day. The best and worst day of his life.

 

He pushed a fist against one eye, pressing his lips together to stop their trembling. He was sick of crying. He didn’t deserve to cry. It was absurd to feel so damn sorry for himself, and he told her so.

 

“You still deserve to grieve. You deserve that much, Jasper. This can’t be easy.”

 

“No. No it’s not. It sucks.” That was a gross understatement, but they were the only words he could muster. He was tired. He could have crawled under the register and gone to sleep right there.

 

Still, after he apologized for waking her yet again, he finished out his shift.  He made his way home and trudged up the walk. His every step was leaden, his tired bones aching. In the foyer of his parents’ home he stood again. As always, an overwhelming loneliness swept over him, a differentness.

 

What he wouldn’t give to feel comfortable in his own skin, in his own life. Not happy, just content.  Actually, right then, he would have given anything for some slight respite. Anything.  His every thought was an assault, a jagged-edged shard of glass driven into him without the slightest bit of gentleness. He knew he couldn’t have what he wanted, what his body was trying to tell him he needed.

 

Jasper ended up in the kitchen, too drained to move far, but the barbs that assaulted him every other second weren’t conducive to sleep. He didn’t think he could sleep anymore than he could eat.

 

Rubbing a hand over the back of his neck, Jasper tilted his head to the side and paused. He bit the inside of his cheek, overtaken by an idea, a small chance at dulling the edges if only for a bit. Maybe long enough to fall asleep.

 

He stood and reached for his salvation.

**~0~**

“What in the ever loving hell is a matter with you?”

 

Jasper was thrown rudely into full wakefulness when someone yanked his blankets from under and around him, sending him sprawling to the floor in the process. His shock instantly gave way to blinding pain, and he grabbed at his head, groaning.

 

“Answer me right now Jasper Charles Whitlock.”

 

Jasper looked up, blinking at his mother without comprehension. She was staring down at him, her hands on her hips and a look on her face that was equal parts pinched pain and unbridled fury. He scratched his hand through his hair, confused as to what could be making his mother look at him like that. “Mom?” His mouth tasted like a very dirty, disease-ridden mouse had taken residence and died.

 

Esme snatched up something from the nightstand and thrust it at his chest. “Don’t play stupid with me.  How could you do this?”

 

Comprehension clicked as he stared down at the thing she’d pushed into his hands, the mostly empty bottle of whiskey. He tried to remember what the hell he’d done last night. He’d drunk. A lot. “What did I do?”

 

“That bottle was full. Don’t try-”

 

“No, I mean…” He put down the bottle and pressed his palms to the sides of his head, pressing, trying to lessen the thick pounding. “I know I drank it. What did I do? Why are you mad?”

 

She stared at him, a picture of incredulity. “Are you telling me you don’t see anything wrong with this picture? You’re hung over. You reek of alcohol.”

 

Despite the protests of his addled mind, he forced himself to think. Anger was beginning to stoke low in the pit of his stomach, but it was the kind of anger that burned bright to cover something else. Shame. He knew what this looked like, even as his hackles raised. “I had a drink. A few drinks. I had a bad day. What’s wrong with someone having a drink after a hard day?”

 

Again she stared, her lips moving as though she couldn’t figure out what to say first. “Jasper. You are not going to put me through this again.”

 

Jasper untangled himself from his sheets and pushed to his feet. “You’re overreacting.”

 

She grabbed him by the shoulders. “You don’t get to say that to me. That’s exactly what you said before. Every time I tried to get you to get help, you told me I was overreacting. It’s not a big deal. You never listened to me when I told you what you were doing to your life, to our family.”

 

“This is different. Alcohol isn’t heroin. I’m not an alcoholic.”

 

“No, and once upon a time, you weren’t a drug addict either.”

 

They stared at each other, eyes a mirror of each other--hard with anger and regret. Jasper opened his mouth, but Esme was quicker.

 

“Don’t you dare, Jasper. I swear if you try to defend yourself one more time, that’s it. I won’t watch you do it again. I won’t.” Her voice cracked and her eyes watered, but she stared steadily.

 

Jasper glared, betrayal burning hot in his veins. Her love was supposed to be constant, unconditional.

 

But he saw it in her eyes. She wasn’t threatening not to love him. She was threatening not to watch him destroy himself. Again. Because she was smart enough to know she couldn’t control him. She couldn’t make his choices for him.

 

Jasper slumped, all the fight going out of him. He sat down heavily on the bed, his aching head in his hands. The gravity of what he’d done threatened to squash him flat, like the weight of water at the bottom of the ocean. Over a year of work, of progress, and it all could have been undone. He knew exactly how hard it was to break an addiction, to shake it off. It was a disease he’d never be rid of. He could only hope to fight. Fight for himself, for his family. Fight not to relapse because it was always a danger.

 

He swallowed hard. “I’m sorry. You’re right. I’m sorry.”

 

There was silence for several long moments. Jasper’s bed dipped, and his mother sat down beside him, her hand in his hair. “I need more.”

 

Jasper raised his head. He didn’t know what to say to that when he had nothing.

 

“I… I’ve read a lot about how manipulative addicts can be.”

 

If anything, Jasper only slumped further. He supposed he had manipulated his family once upon a time.  They never knew just how deep he was into drugs. They knew something was up. They knew when he was high, though they didn’t know on what. He was undependable, often disappearing for weeks on end, but when he reappeared he could often charm his parents into believing nothing was wrong. Nothing they needed to be concerned about. Or later, that he was getting help. He’d been very inventive on that end, making up elaborate stories about NA meetings that didn’t exist.

 

“I want to believe you’re actually contrite right now, Jasper, but I need a guarantee.”

 

Jasper shook his head still in his hands. “You know I can’t guarantee anything. It’s a fight, and I can’t say I’m always going to win.” He took a shaky breath. “I didn’t this morning, obviously.”

 

“You’re not going to win every time. I know that. You know that. What I want is the guarantee you’re fighting with every weapon you have.”

 

“I a-”

 

“You’re not.  You’re fighting alone, and that’s not enough. I’m sorry, but it isn’t.”

 

Jasper was quiet. He didn’t have the will to argue.

 

“Call the therapist I found for you. If not her, figure out someone else. Something else.”

 

“At your expense. You’ve given enough. I’m sick of adding to my debt.”

 

“Well tough shit.”

 

Jasper’s head snapped up in surprise at his mother’s language.

 

She touched a finger to the scar on his face. “This is life or death, Jasper. If you love me, if you want to prove that you love me and you want a place in this family, you’re going to take your life seriously, even if that means you accept what I’m offering you.”

 

“But it’s not fair. Not fair to you.”

 

“Taking my son away from me again is more unfair. Deal with it.” She paused and ruffled his hair. “We’re not a destitute family, Jasper. I can see you’re trying not to be a burden. You sold your car the day after you got home, and I saw the groceries you bought with your first paycheck. You’re not a deadbeat, so give yourself a break there. You have enough to worry about.”

 

How could he argue with that? What was a blow to his pride, another two ton crate added to the cargo ship he needed to carry everything he owed his parents? He put his hands over his eyes, bowing his head again. “I’ll call her. The therapist.”

 

“Today.”

 

Jasper nodded and winced as white stars appeared behind his closed eyelids.

 

The longer he had to think about it, the more he could see the consequences of his actions, his slip, play out before him. Edward wouldn’t understand. He would see this mistake as being as bad as if Jasper had gone out and gotten high. He would never let Jasper around Kaylee after that.

 

“Are you…” He gulped because he knew he didn’t have a right to ask. “Are you going to tell anyone else?”

 

She brushed her fingers through his hair, her touch gentle. “This isn’t the kind of thing a wife keeps from her husband, but I don’t think there’s a reason to tell your brothers.” Her hand dropped down to his back and rubbed. “I’ve read that about recovering addicts. If you make every slip out to be a failure, you run the risk of turning it into self-fulfilling prophecy. I don’t see the point of that either. This… This could be a minor slip. You’re right, after all. You had a very bad day yesterday, and if you were anyone else, no one would blame you for having a few drinks.”

 

“If I was anyone else, I wouldn’t have to drink to forget the fact I abandoned my daughter.” He drew his legs up close to his chest on the bed and rested his head on his knees.

 

His mother said nothing at this but kissed the side of his head. “I’ll get you some aspirin. Take a shower, and we can go find a greasy lunch, okay?”

**~0~**

Esme didn’t take him at his word that he would make the appointment with the therapist. She stood over him as he did it, and the tips of his ears burned. Regardless of whether or not he deserved it, being treated like a disobedient child wasn’t comfortable.

 

When he came home from work the next morning, he noticed the liquor bottles were gone from their usual place. Again he chafed.

 

He made his father coffee and waited for him to come downstairs, thinking he wanted to get any admonition Carlisle had out of the way. That had been his habit when he was a child. When he’d done something he knew for certain he’d get in trouble for when he was at his mother’s house, he would tell whichever parent was available and hasten to the study, hoping they would follow his head and dole out punishment.

 

At Charles’s house, he picked a fight because waiting for his beating was hell on his nerves.

 

So Jasper waited.

 

Carlisle came into the kitchen and sat down, thanking him for the coffee as if it was a normal day, as if Jasper hadn’t been absent the day before. As he sipped, he made the usual small talk, or he tried, anyway.

 

“Dad, I know Mom told you what I did,” Jasper said, ignoring Carlisle’s question about how his night had been.

 

“Of course she did.”

 

“And?”

 

“And I’m driving you to Doctor Ivanova’s office myself on Monday.”

 

“You don’t have to do that.”

 

Carlisle raised his head to stare at Jasper with a cool expression.

 

Jasper drank the rest of his coffee in several gulps. “Fine. Thank you. Have a good day at work.”

**~0~**

Friday afternoon, Emmett and Rosalie came to have dinner with Carlisle and Esme. They brought the kids. Henry chatted animatedly, accepting Jasper with ease. Vera, doubtlessly picking up cues from her mother’s frigidity toward Jasper, mostly gave him the cold shoulder.

 

That was fine. Jasper enjoyed meeting his niece and reacquainting himself with his nephew if only from across the distance of the dinner table. But as with everything in his life lately, it was  a double edged sword. Meeting his brother’s kids meant he had to watch Emmett be a father to them.

 

Emmett had been there every day of their lives. He had those memories, those moments. Their first words, their first steps, Henry’s first day of school, they all belonged to him and Rosalie in a way they would never belong to the rest of the family.

 

Jasper had already missed three years worth of moments entirely, but the remaining important moments of his own daughter’s life would never belong to him. Not as a daddy. As an uncle.

 

At work that night, he had too much time to stew, again,

 

On one hand, he couldn’t wait to see Kaylee again. The thought of it, of being able to hold her and cuddle her if only for an instant, just to see her again, gave him such joy he couldn’t keep a smile from his face. But on the other hand, seeing her when he couldn’t keep her was nothing short of torture.

 

He was terrified it would be the same every time he had to see her, that he would experience the pain of losing her over and over again.

 

Back at home after his shift, Jasper sank down onto the sofa in the living room. He ran his hands over his eyes, wondering if he had the strength to sit through more small talk from his father this morning. Breathing hurt. Everything hurt.

 

The sound of a key in the lock caught Jasper’s attention. He lifted his head and watched as the front door came open. When he saw who was standing there, he groaned and put his head back in his hands. “God, please go away. I can’t do this right now.”

 

The door closed, but Edward hadn’t left. His footsteps came closer and stopped. He didn’t speak. Jasper made a half-hearted attempt to figure out why his brother might be there in the early hours of the morning. He knew instinctively it was him Edward had come to see. Had Esme let slip about the whiskey?

 

But even the reasoning part of his mind was too tired. His thoughts were limp and slow to form. His heartbeat picked up and twisted when he thought this might be it. He’d told Bella he would honor her wishes if she didn’t want him involved with Kaylee at all. His shoulders slumped in resignation, and he shook his head slowly. “Edward, I know I don’t deserve it. I know I deserve everything you have to throw at me, but if there’s even an ounce of… I don’t know, sympathy? Just… Whatever you have to say, I can’t…” He pressed his lips together knowing full well his brother had no sympathy for him. He had nothing left, no will to fight, but Edward wouldn’t care about that.

 

His brother’s breath was unsteady. Neither of them spoke for a long, heavy minute.

 

“What do you want from me?” Edward asked, his tone rough.

 

Whatever Jasper had been expecting, it wasn’t that. He raised his head, sure he was missing something. “What?”

 

Edward’s fists clenched at his sides. His face was drawn, his brows furrowed. He looked angry as usual but also conflicted. “What do you want from me?” he repeated.

 

“I don’t… What? Nothing.” He laughed, the sound as hollow as he felt. “I mean, I guess I really would prefer it if you put off yelling at me until later. I’m really tired.”

 

“I’m not going to yell at you.” Edward sat in the chair near him with a huff.

 

“Well, that’s a change of pace anyway.”

 

Edward crossed his arms, staring anywhere except Jasper. “What did you expect? What do you want me to do? You want me to sit here and play nice? You want to be brothers again like none of it happened?”

 

Jasper sighed. An image flashed unbidden through his mind. Edward couldn’t have been more than two or three. Often when Jasper came home from a visit with Charles, he was left with this lingering sense that there was something wrong with him. But when his mom unlocked the door, there was the instant pitter patter of little feet. Edward came flying out from wherever he’d been in the back of the house, his grin wide. He called Jasper’s name happily and launched himself into his big brother’s arms, hugging him tightly and telling him not to go away again.

 

“I’d settle for your indifference,” he said at last, his voice flat to his own ears.

 

Edward pushed to his feet again. “Fathers can’t afford to be indifferent about the people their daughters are going to be around.”

 

Jasper winced and turned his head. He took as deep a breath as he was able, though it felt like he was breathing in boiling hot water. “I already told Bella you don’t have to worry about me trying to play daddy. I won’t. What do you need? You need it in ink? Blood?”

 

“No,” Edward said after a moment, his voice softer than it had been a second before. “I believe you when you say you won’t fight for her. I’m not going to pretend I’m not relieved about that, but it’s beside the point. You’re still in a position to hurt her. Not just her but everyone I love. I don’t trust you to keep your word there. About getting better, I mean.”

 

“Yeah, well… That makes two of us,” Jasper muttered. “I don’t know what you want me to say. I wish I could make you promises I know I’d keep, but I can’t because I’m not sure. I want more than anything to say I won’t fall again, but I don’t know if it’s going to be a lie. I spent too many years telling myself I could control it and obviously, I couldn’t. Who’s to say it’s going to be enough this time?

 

“You want to know the truth? Some days the cravings are so bad, I can’t even think around them. The only thing I can do is think about what I did… to Bella, to Kaylee, to all of you. And it’s like stabbing a knife in an open wound because that’s the only way you’re going to stay conscious and rational. Which is great on one hand because you don’t give in to the cravings, but on the other it’s keeping that wound raw and widening.

 

“And I know. Poor me. It’s a self-inflicted gunshot wound and I hit a whole bunch of people with the same bullet. But I’m only human. There’s only so much I can deal with. It’s not only the cravings, this… struggle. Addict is part of my definition. Do you know what that’s like? To have something so fucking horrible be a part of who you are?”

 

With each word, he crumbled in on himself further, the weight on his shoulders such a physical thing, he didn’t understand how he was still alive. “I should be so grateful because I didn’t lose my mother and father. I didn’t lose Emmett. But I lost you. And Rose. And I lost my daughter.” He closed his eyes against the tears that threatened. As much as he felt like sinking into the floor and never getting up again, he wasn’t going to make Edward see it.

 

“Bella and Kaylee…” Jasper swallowed hard. “You’re good to them. You deserve them and they deserve you. I understand what it’s like from your point of view. You have to deal with the man who hurt your family. But this isn’t a picnic for me. On top of everything else, it’s my little brother who took my place as daddy to my baby. And I have to see it because I’m staying. For Mom and Dad. For Emmett. I’m not leaving this family again, but it means I have to see you living the life I could have had if I wasn’t so fucking stupid. It’s one thing to know you have to start life over. It’s another thing to have the life you destroyed constantly shoved in your face.”

 

He had to work to keep his voice from shaking, but there was no life left in it at all. “So what do I want from you? I don’t know anymore, Edward. You have a family to protect, and I’m a threat. Even if I’m not fighting for Kaylee, and I won’t, I’m a threat. I get it. But if I could ask for anything at this point, it would just be for you not to make it worse. If I step a toe out of line, by all means, kick my ass. Do whatever you need to do. But until then, if you’re asking what I want, maybe just a little bit of tolerance.”

 

Jasper lapsed into silence. He still couldn’t bring himself to look at his brother. He waited, expecting Edward’s derision. He waited for his brother to berate him, to tell him point for point why he didn’t deserve to heal, why he deserved to bleed to death slowly from the thousands of puncture wounds, tiny to gaping, that shredded his chest.

  
When Edward didn’t speak, Jasper forced himself to turn his head and look. Edward wasn’t looking at him. His jaw was clenched working. He open his mouth, his expression making it clear he had many things he wanted to say and none of them gentle. Jasper held his breath, but in the next instant, Edward turned and walked out the door without a word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Many thanks to songster, jessypt, and barburella for putting up with me. Much heart to all of you still reading. There’s a flashback chapter coming up next.


	14. Whole Family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This should be the last of the flashback chapters. Edward’s chapters will continue in present time from here on out. FAQ, answered. Happy weekend, lovelies!

**_~10 Months Post-Accident, One Week Post First Kiss~_ **

_In the last ten months, Bella had received three photographs from Jasper. Regardless of how they were addressed, it was obvious they weren’t all for her._

_A picture of a dilapidated house, lawn outrageously overgrown, was meant for Esme. Somehow, though Edward never would have thought a rundown house had any beauty left, Jasper found it with his lens. It was a talent he shared with their mother. Esme restored old homes for a living. Both Jasper and Esme, in their separate ways, brought forth the beauty they saw in the heart of whatever they were looking at._

_For Carlisle, Jasper had sent a snap of the harbor of an old fishing village. In the picture, a trio of grizzled fishermen were walking from the docks, laughing with each other. It was the quaint sort of town that hadn’t changed much in two hundred years. A nod, Edward thought, to Jasper and Carlisle’s shared love of history and the idea of constance._

_Emmett’s was the only snapshot in color so far. Edward had no idea what it was. It was taken at such an angle that it captured only bits and pieces of vague shapes, but the idea was clear. The colors were bold. Vibrant. Emmett._

_Until the fourth photograph arrived, Edward didn’t know he was jealous. To that point, he would have said Jasper could be found dead in a ditch and Edward wouldn’t have blinked._

_He walked in the door that day to find Bella in the living room, Kaylee playing at her feet, with the faraway, pained stare he hated. His hands clenched in fists at his side, and he wished his elder brother was in front of him, not because he wanted to see Jasper safe, but because he wanted to be the one to hurt him._

_On the other hand, it was the first time Edward could sit beside Bella and wrap his arms around her. He said nothing but nuzzled his nose against her cheek and pressed soft kisses to the corner of her mouth. Despite the heaviness to the atmosphere, he had to smile against her skin. Their relationship was still brand new, only a week old, and their newfound closeness was still a novelty to him._

_Bella relaxed against him, releasing her breath in a long hiss. She turned her head enough to catch his lips. Her hand was warm and reassuring against his back. They kissed for a full minute, unhurried and sweet._

_She pulled away with a sigh. Despite the small smile on her face, sadness lingered in her eyes. She’d been crying before he got home. Anger coiled tight in the pit of his belly with nowhere left to spring. He buried his nose in her hair, breathing in her scent to calm himself again._

_“I’ll never understand him,” he said. “I know one day we’re going to fight, and I’m going to make you cry. It’s going to be something stupid, and I’m going to feel like the scum of the earth. I already feel bad about it.” He pulled back and cupped her face in his hands. “My brother… how could he look at you and hurt you like this?”_

_To his surprise, she laughed. “I was just thinking the same thing about you.”_

_“Me?”_

_Instead of clarifying, she took the photo from where it lay face down on the coffee table and handed it to him. She gathered Kaylee up into her arms, settling her on her lap and watching as Edward flipped the photo over. His breath caught._

_It was a picture of two boys. Brothers, Edward could tell immediately. There was something about the image that rang with that strong connection. A very little boy, perhaps three or four, clung to the older boy, maybe twelve or thirteen, for dear life, hiding behind his legs. The older boy had one hand behind him on the younger boy’s shoulder, the other hand out to protect his baby brother from the very ferocious, very leashed chihuahua on a walk with its owner. The younger boy was looking up, not at the dog, because he trusted the older would never let the vicious creature hurt him, and though the older boy must have known better, he was indulging the little boy’s fear._

_The effect was immediate. If Edward hadn’t been sitting down, he would have fallen. His bones went weak and rubbery. His heart sped. His stomach lurched up into his throat, choking him as his eyes stung with tears. For damn close on a year, he’d held on to his anger. He was angry for Bella, for his parents, for Kaylee. They’d all lost so much because of his brother’s cowardice. They hurt, and there was nothing Edward could do about it._

_For the first time in those ten months, Edward wasn’t son, friend, protector. He was a little brother who’d lost his big brother. Ten months worth of neglected grief hit him like a tsunami crashing onto the shore, knocking him from solid ground into swirling vortex of freezing cold water._

_He missed Jasper. He missed him, and he was scared to death he would never see him again. Adrenaline sent static through his bloodstream. If he could have, he would have run straight out the door and found Jasper. He would have dragged him home no matter what the cost, no matter where he found him. Anything was better than not knowing, than the crippling worry he’d tried to hide under derision and fury._

_For all Edward outwardly cursed him as worthless, there was almost nothing he wouldn’t give to have his brother home safe again._

_Bella’s hand on his back grounded him somewhat. Edward took a sharp breath, unable to stop the tears that gathered at the corners of his eyes and slid down his cheeks. Fury, fear, and longing made for a tumultuous sea inside him, along with a healthy helping of-_

_“Da.”_

_Edward’s head snapped up. Bella gasped. They both stared at Kaylee with wide eyes._

_She reached a grubby hand at the photo he held, grasping at the air and grunting. “Da. Me.”_

_Guilt. That was what left a sour taste in his mouth, even as he marveled at Kaylee, his baby, his daughter, calling him Da for the first time. Guilt because if he had to choose between his brother’s life and giving Bella and Kaylee back to him, he would let Jasper run out the door every time._

_Sometimes Edward wondered if he’d really done all he could to help Jasper. He’d known for several years his brother was on a bad path. Had he really done everything possible to get him on the straight and narrow? Some part of him had always been aware that Jasper would lose Bella, and if he did…_

_“Da.” Kaylee pounded her miniature fist on his arm in increasing frustration. She wanted that picture, and she wanted it now. “Da, Da, Da.”_

_Complete joy and gaining giddiness pushed everything else out of his head. He had no room for guilt. His baby knew who her daddy was. He put the photo down out of reach and lifted her out of Bella’s arms. He held her nearly upside down and peppered her face with big, Daddy-sized smooches while she giggled in high-pitched screeches._

_“That’s Mommy’s picture, sugar, but you call me Daddy again and you can have whatever you want.”_

_Bella rolled her eyes. “You better hope she doesn’t remember that,” she said, but she was beaming almost as wide as he was._

_“Pfft. I mean it.” He gave Kaylee a little shake. “Come on, sugar. Say it again.”_

_Kaylee looked at him, her eyes glittering with expectation, her fists at her mouth to hold in the giggle fit that was ready to bubble up. Clearly she expected him to lift her again._

_Edward obliged her since he loved the sound of her giggles almost as much as he loved being called her daddy. He played with her and cuddled her, telling his baby girl how smart she was. It had only taken her a week to pick up on the new word after Bella and Edward had started using it._

_“Speaking of which,” Edward said some time later when they were settled for dinner. “If she’s picked up on it, there’s going to be no way to keep this from my parents.”_

_They weren’t ashamed of being together. Neither of them knew what to expect from his family, but they were both sanguine in their choice. They’d wanted a little time to themselves, a little space to make the transition from friends to lovers._

_Bella tilted her head, taking his hand over the table. “You think they’ll react badly?”_

_He squeezed her hand. “Not about us.”_

_Her eyebrows arched in surprise. “About what then?”_

_“Well…” Edward swallowed hard. His heart picked up a frantic pace. “I guess that’s up to you.” He laughed at his nervousness and ran a hand through his hair. "You know, I've been over and over this in my head, and I still can't figure out how you'll react?"_

_"How I'll react to what? Edward, what are you talking about?"_

_Edward sighed. He took both her hands in his and leaned intently across the table. “Bella, I’ve been in love with you for a lot longer than I should have been. The good thing about that is it makes me absolutely sure about what I’m going to ask you.”_

_Bella’s hand twitched in his. She pressed her lips together, but she didn’t speak._

_“You deserve some grand gesture for this.” He grinned when she blanched, and hurried on. “But I think I know you well enough to understand you’re not that kind of girl.” He stroked his thumb along the outside of hers. “I know we’ve technically only been together for a week, but-”_

_“Yes,” she said._

_He blinked at her. “What?”_

_Her cheeks flamed, but a smile crept wide across her face. “You were about to ask me to marry you, right?”_

_“Yeah.” Shock was quickly replaced by the realization she’d said yes. “You don’t think it’s too soon?”_

_“Do you?”_

_He shook his head._

_Bella’s smile was gentle now. “You’ve been my best friend for years. We’ve spent every day of the last ten months together.” She ducked her head, her look shy but adoring. “And I like this most recent addition of sex to our relationship.”_

_He laughed and brought her hands to his lips. “It’s good sex.”_

_She grinned at him, but then her expression turned serious, contrite. “To be honest, I… I think part of the reason I kept coming back to Jasper was because I was terrified of losing you.” Her eyes flicked up to meet his gaze. “Part of the reason.”_

_Guilt nagged at his heart, but he squeezed her hands again. “I understand that. Part of the reason I helped you both through your problems was because I couldn’t stand the thought of losing you.” He shook his head and that thought away. No room for guilt, not in this conversation. “So you’ll marry me.”_

_“Yeah,” she whispered. Her eyes glistened. “Yes. I will.”_

_They leaned forward and kissed to the tune of Kaylee’s humming and baby babbling. Edward let go of her hands so he could pull her chair closer. They were small but exhaultant kisses, interrupted all too soon when Kaylee announced dinner was done by knocking her mostly-empty bowl to the floor._

_“You said you think your parents might react badly,” Bella said as they cleaned--her the baby and him the dishes. “Did you mean about us getting married?”_

_He shook his head slowly, excitement fading again as he considered his next words. He felt a rush of resentment toward his elder brother. Jasper was a constant presence in his relationship with Bella. “There’s something I need to ask you.”_

_“Something else?”_

_“Yes.” He sat back in his chair in front of her and took her hands, playing with her fingers. There was no easy way to say this, no way to romanticize it. “When we marry, I want to give you my last name.” He looked up at her. “You and Kaylee. I want to adopt her. Officially.”_

_“I…” She swallowed hard. “Can you do that?”_

_“I spoke to our lawyer about it a few days ago. She got the information for us.” He watched her, gauging to see if she was angry that he hadn’t told her about talking to the lawyer. “She said the length of time he’s been gone constitutes abandonment. A judge can sever his parental rights, and then I can file for adoption.”_

_Tears sprung to her eyes, and she turned away from him to stare at Kaylee who was playing on the floor near their feet. Bella watched her for long minutes that stretched on like decades. He was desperate to know what she was thinking, staring as she was at her blond haired baby. Was she picking out the pieces of her daughter that were all Jasper?_

_Edward kept his silence, knowing she needed space to think it all through. She laughed, the sound tainted with bitterness. “He left her. He left me, but he left her without even…” She pressed her lips together, and Edward recognized the fury on her features. “And yet… I feel bad. Why the hell should I feel bad about doing this to him? He doesn’t deserve her.”_

_“He doesn’t, but that doesn’t change the fact you love him.” He put a finger to her lips, stopping her protest. “I know you’re not in love with him, but you love him. You love honest and deep, Bella. That’s just part of who you are. But it means no matter what he’s done, you still don’t want to hurt him.”_

_“I don’t want him to have her. Even if he showed up tonight on my doorstep, I wouldn’t want him to have her,” Bella said in thin whisper. “But no. I don’t want to hurt him either.”_

_She took a shaky breath and wound her arms around his neck, letting him gather her as close as he could get in their face-to-face position. “Yes. To all of it. I want to make us a family.”_

_Just as he bent forward to kiss Bella again, Edward felt a tug at his pant leg. “Da,” Kaylee said and lifted one hand at him._

_He stooped and settled her at his side, kissing her cheek. “Yes, beautiful girl. Daddy’s here,” he promised._

**_~0~_ **

_Edward was aware his parents had known about his feelings for Bella for a long time. He’d lost count of the number of times he’d stared at Bella only to catch his mother watching him. When Edward moved in to help her through her convalescence, they’d both gently but blatantly warned him against taking advantage of the situation._

_Their warnings at that point had been more for Bella’s sake than Jasper’s. After Jasper left, Bella had far too much to deal with. She was newly, if temporarily, crippled and mother to a premature newborn. Carlisle and Esme loved Bella as though she were their own. They bore no small amount of guilt for the pain their son had inflicted on her, and they considered it their duty to assure their younger son didn’t make a complicated situation even worse._

_Still, it had been so many months since Jasper’s disappearance. Anybody would have been blind not to notice how naturally Edward and Bella became a unit. They had always enjoyed a deep friendship. Now they moved as one, natural with each other and the baby._

_No one was surprised at their announcement._

_“Finally,” Emmett said. He clapped Edward on the back. “Rose had to stop me a couple of times from saying something to you. She said you had to get there on your own.”_

_“I said it wasn’t any of your business,” Rose said. She looked to Edward and Bella and smiled. “It’s a good thing. All of it. Kaylee deserves a better daddy than the one she was born with.”_

_Esme sucked in a sharp breath. Rosalie frowned. “I’m sorry, but it’s true. This is the best thing for everyone. You're lucky because many other women wouldn't have stuck around. You'd be lucky to ever see your grandkid, and it would have been Jasper's fault. He's your son, and I understand you can't hate him, but it's okay to be angry. You should be angry."_

_"We are angry, Rosalie," Carlisle said, his tone even._

_"But not with Jasper."_

_"Not only with him."_

_"He doesn't--"_

_“What is it you think this is like for us?” Esme interrupted. Her voice was soft, but there was a ferocity in her eyes that made Edward’s heart ache for her. “Yes, we’re angry at him. Angry that he wouldn’t let us help. There isn’t anything we wouldn’t have done for him and yet…” She pressed her lips together to keep them from trembling. She was very near tears. Carlisle took her hand in his._

_“But anger doesn’t change the fact I couldn’t protect him from everything he’s been through. It doesn’t change the fact he’s my baby, our baby, and I have no idea why he’s done this. I have no idea where he is. If he’s cold or hungry or hurt. I have no idea if I’ll ever see him alive again.” Her voice cracked at that, and she put her hand over her mouth, closing her eyes tightly. She breathed in deep. “Maybe you can dismiss him so easily, but I can’t.”_

_“He’s my brother as much as Edward is, and I love him,” Rosalie said, her voice steady but softer than it had been, devoid of anger. “But how long are we all going to exist in this limbo? He’s gone. It was his choice to go. I’m sick of being pissed off too. I want our family to be whole again. I want to be happy for Edward, Bella, and Kaylee. They deserve happiness. If this were any other family, we’d be jumping up and down congratulating them, but this is all so somber. Your youngest son is getting married. He’s going to be a father. That’s good news.”_

_As much as he wanted his parents to be happy for him, Edward also understood the flip side of that coin. Their youngest son was gaining a daughter and a wife at the same time their elder son lost his daughter and girlfriend for good. It couldn’t have been a comfortable space to be in._

_Esme reached out and took Bella’s hand and then Edward’s. She smiled, watery though it was. “It is good news,” she said. “I’m happy for you. I’m happy for all of us.”_

_Carlisle clapped Edward’s shoulder. “I’m proud of you. Both of you. You’re both so young to be making these kinds of decisions.” He looked over to where Kaylee and Henry played together. “But you’re capable, and you have our support. Congratulations.”_

**_~0~_ **

_In bed that night, their bed, their room, Edward pressed kisses along Bella’s jawline up to her ear. “So. If you could have any kind of wedding you wanted, anything at all, what would it be?” He nipped at her earlobe. “Of course, knowing you, it’s going to be a quick trip down to the courthouse on our lunch hour.”_

_She didn’t answer right away, but her fingers continued their soft caresses along his chest and neck. He’d moved his kisses down to her throat so when she finally answered, the word vibrated against his lips. “I want a big wedding.”_

_That caught his attention. Edward sat up to look at her. “What?” Bella and big wedding didn’t seem like words that went together._

_Her lips twisted, and she looked down at the comforter. “I don’t know. Maybe want is the wrong word, but I think it’s what we need. All of us.”_

_Edward readjusted himself so he could wrap an arm around her shoulders. “Tell me what you’re thinking and why.”_

_“I think Rosalie was right. We’ve been in limbo, all of us. I… I still hope Jasper will be okay. I still hope he’ll come back someday, and if he does…” She wrung her fingers in the blankets. “It’s going to be complicated. I know that, but we’ll deal with it. We’ll deal with it if… when it happens. But I think we need to move on now. None of us has control over Jasper, and that’s something we all need to accept.”_

_Rosalie’s words rung in Edward’s head. She was right when she said their family wasn’t whole. They were all stepping gingerly around the Jasper-shaped hole, none of them wanting to take that final step, to fill it in._

_Bella looked up at him, her eyes sad though her smile was genuine. She took his hands in hers. “I want this, us, to be a good thing. We’re still a family, a good one. We still deserve to celebrate and be happy, even if he isn’t there to be a part of it.” She ducked her head, her breath shaky. “Even if it might have been different if he’d stayed.”_

_Looking up again, she traced her finger over Edward’s lips. The passion and adoration in her eyes made Edward’s heart skip a beat. “Might have been different,” she murmured. “But then again, it might not have.”_

_At that, Edward smiled. He leaned forward to kiss her, slow and long. He knew exactly what she meant. He had no idea how the situation with his brother would end, if it would ever be resolved. What he knew for certain was the he and Bella were right. No matter how it happened, they were good together._

_He pulled back and kissed the tip of her nose. “Big, extravagant wedding. Oh, Bella. You’re going to make my mother’s day.”_

_She grinned at that. “Yeah. I hope so.”_

_  
He kissed her again and pulled her down with him on the bed, striving to forget everything else except that this beautiful woman had agreed to be his. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Many thanks to barburealla and jessypt. And much love to jfka06. Hearts.
> 
> Back to the present next chapter.


	15. Bitterly Sweet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Allo, poppets. Happy weekend. Let’s celebrate with Daddy C.

When he came home very early Saturday morning from his shift at the gas station, Jasper went right to bed hoping he could get a little rest before the family showed up to spend the day with Carlisle. It was no use, though. He tossed and turned in the early morning light, unable to sleep at all.

 

Too much had him on edge and anxious. It was going to be the first time the whole family was there together, all the people whose love and acceptance Jasper craved as much as he’d once craved his next hit under one roof. He hoped against hope they might begin to get over the awkwardness. After all, for once, this get together wasn’t about him. No one would be there to confront him. Maybe for once he wouldn’t have to be so defensive. Maybe for once he could just be.

 

But experience had taught Jasper not to count on it. Edward would be there. With Kaylee.

 

Kaylee. He would get to see his daughter again.

 

For the first time, he would get to see Edward be his daughter’s father with his own eyes.

 

Jasper was more than a little nervous about seeing Kaylee again under those circumstances. He wanted so much for his little girl--his niece, he kept trying to remind himself--to like him. He worried that Edward would get in the way, that he would pass on his disdain and mistrust to Kaylee. And as much as he told Edward and Bella he would never try to be a father to his baby, he was afraid seeing Edward in that role would be too much. The jealousy might drive him over the edge. His will could only withstand so much.

 

There was another difficult reality of trying to come back from addiction. It wasn’t just the addiction itself Jasper had to fight. He knew the drama surrounding the whole situation was a threat to the family he was trying so hard to get back to. He didn’t need to backslide into drugs or alcohol to ruin his father’s birthday and his family’s peace. His very presence could do that, depending on how it all went.

 

Jasper wondered how long he would have to be so tense around his family. He was so sick of having to watch his every word and action. He didn’t complain; he wouldn’t because he knew it was a hell of his own making, but it didn’t mean it didn’t make him tired.

 

After a fitful few hours of sleep, Jasper gave up and showered. He was happy when he went downstairs and found Esme and Carlisle still alone. Despite the tension of the last few days after his slip with the whiskey, they were relaxed and happy around him. Since it was his birthday, Jasper let Carlisle talk him into a game of chess. Like everything else, the game was bittersweet. It was hard remembering how often Jasper had played with Carlisle as a youth.

 

How much he wished he could go back, revel in the love and acceptance Carlisle was so willing to give him despite the fact they didn’t share blood. He remembered moments of peace, respite from the constant state of angst that had marked his teen years, when he could lose himself in quiet conversation and good-natured competition with this man. The only man who had earned the right to be called his father.

 

When they sat back about an hour later, as was his custom, Carlisle offered his hand to shake over a good game. Jasper took it and held him firm. “Happy birthday, Dad,” he said, because he didn’t have words to express the depth of his regret and, at the same time, his relief that he wasn’t too late. Despite everything, he still had the chance to be a good son to this father.

 

Carlisle smiled and clasped Jasper’s hand in both of his. He squeezed and held for a moment, but he only said thank you.

 

Emmett and his family were the first to arrive about twenty minutes after their game. Edward, Bella, and Kaylee arrived while everyone was still greeting each other in the foyer. Jasper hung back, skulking in the living room while the family exchanged hugs. Emmett sought him out, pulling him into a back-slapping hug, but Jasper’s eyes were trained over his brother’s shoulder where Kaylee was giving her grandfather a big birthday smooch.

 

Good God, she was beautiful. Jasper’s heart skipped a beat and then went into overdrive at the sight of her. A few seconds later, when Carlisle swapped Kaylee for Vera, Jasper’s heart threatened to stop altogether. Kaylee noticed him and her eyes lit with recognition.

 

“Hey, Mister Man,” she said as she skittered in his direction. She threw her arms around his legs and looked up at him with a big grin. “Did you know? I named my froggy Freddie. Sometimes Freddie is a boy’s name, but it can be a girl’s name too, huh? We met a girl named Freddie at the park once, and so it’s an okay girl’s name. So there.”

 

Jasper had to laugh. He ran a tentative hand over Kaylee’s hair. “I think Freddie is a great name for a girl froggy, su-” He cut himself off just in time, remembering how Kaylee had told him Edward called her sugar. He had no interest in setting his little brother off. He swallowed hard. “It’s good to see you again, sunshine.”

 

She flashed him another smile and, as quickly as she’d come, she was running off again to get into mischief with her cousins. Jasper’s eyes followed her as she went until he noticed Edward standing there, his eyes dark. The tightness in Jasper’s throat doubled, and he looked away.

 

Despite the giggles from the children, all of whom were thankfully oblivious to the sudden tension in the air, the silence between the adults was heavy and impossible to ignore. Jasper thought he heard his mother take a deep breath as Edward crossed the room, his arms full of gifts for Carlisle. Jasper held himself rigidly, but Edward only passed him by. The coldness that radiated from him could have secured the polar ice caps for a solid century, but he didn’t say anything.

 

Jasper had asked for his indifference. It stung, but it was several steps above his more antagonistic tendencies. Everyone seemed to breathe easier after that, and the family began to settle down to enjoy the day.

 

When Jasper woke up in the hospital after being stabbed, the first thing the doctor had assured him was he was going to live. For most, that was enough. For the injured person though, there was a bridge between living and dying. It was one that was only passed in increments, the time dragging on slowly and painfully with only the promise there was an end to the ordeal if only you could keep stepping.

 

In the hospital, every waking minute had been rife with a multitude of discomforts. He was hazy from the drugs--the socially acceptable, doctor prescribed drugs-- his body was attacked by terrible pain, and there were tubes in uncomfortable places. There was this rational part of his mind that said this state of being wouldn’t last forever. He only had to get through each minute, each hour, each day and eventually, he would be better.

 

For Jasper, being surrounded by all his family, his happy family, was like being in the hospital all over again. It was a different kind of discomfort and displacement, but the concept was the same. He was there, part of the family, but still very much an outsider. He wasn’t celebrating his father’s birthday with his family but was watching their togetherness. They were a unit and he the plus one. It hurt, but there was this tiny shred of hope that someday, if he could only keep stepping forward, he could be part of this happy mishmash.

 

Maybe.

 

But until then, it was hard to breathe through the pain.

 

Rosalie, Esme, Carlisle, and Bella started to play rummy. Carlisle invited him to join, but Jasper declined when he saw the way Rosalie’s shoulders stiffened. He sat on a stool at the counter, listening to the conversation at the table and watching the kids play in the yard while Emmett and Edward manned the BBQ. He watched and rubbed a hand across his mouth, trying hard to regulate the too-fast beat of his heart.

 

Often, as they cooked, Kaylee would run up to her daddy to show him something or ask him something. Watching them together was even harder than Jasper had imagined. All the preparation in the world couldn’t have prepared him for what it felt like to see them together, the trust, the connection.

 

Again, there was that odd sense of  déjà vu like waking in the hospital. Rage and jealousy choked him like waking to find a tube down his throat, simultaneously helping him breathe and making him gag. There was an innate sense that the tube was out of place. It shouldn’t have been there. Edward shouldn’t have been the one tossing Kaylee up into the air and catching her. This wasn’t his.

 

But as he had with the tube, Jasper had had to learn to adjust to a new reality. The tube was necessary, however horrible it felt. If he could just learn to get used to it, it wouldn’t be so distracting and consuming.

 

Then again, he’d known pretty much instantly that the tube wouldn’t always have to be there. But this… This was permanent.

 

He turned away, unable to stand the sight any longer, only to find that Bella was watching him from her place at the table. She said nothing but she looked between him and Kaylee outside. He could read in her eyes the same question she’d hurtled at him the night they saw each other for the first time again. Why wasn’t Kaylee his rock bottom? Why hadn’t she been enough to make him get clean? Of all of them, Bella had the most reason to hate him. She didn’t, and that was something Jasper hadn’t wrapped his head around yet. But just because she didn’t hate him didn’t mean she wasn’t angry.

 

Jasper held her gaze, his head tilted downward in a submissive gesture. He wanted to break her stare, but he wouldn’t do that. Not to her. Bella and Kaylee were the only two people on the planet with whom he would never beg a respite from as he had Edward. He let her see him plainly. Yes, he was in pain. Yes, he wanted what he had no right to want. Yes, he was pissed as hell and out of his mind with jealousy that his baby brother was outside now with his daughter, loving her in a way Jasper would never be able to. And yes, it hurt so much he couldn’t stand to see it.

 

The anger in her expression flickered and pity began to take its place. Jasper wondered if it was a figment of his imagination that he could see realization dawn as Bella looked away. Most of her anger was for Kaylee. They, Jasper and Bella together, had been Kaylee’s parents before she was born. They had created her together, had marvelled and hoped together as she grew. Bella couldn’t comprehend why Jasper didn’t understand what he’d walked away from, but that was the thing. Jasper understood perfectly what he’d walked away from, and now he was dealing with what he’d lost because of it.

 

Emmett came in then, bringing Jasper back into the present. He turned his attention back to the game at the table, smiling when he saw Carlisle was clearly enjoying himself. This day wasn’t about making amends or trying to be understood. This day wasn’t about him at all.

 

“Hey, Dad.” Emmett’s head appeared over the opened door of the refrigerator. “Where’s the beer?”

 

Jasper froze, his breath leaving him like a punch to the gut. He looked to his father. Carlisle’s face was carefully controlled, his expression blank. He cleared his throat as he looked at Emmett. “There are at least five different drinks in there. There’s got to be something you like.”

 

Frustrated, Jasper pushed off the stood and headed for the sanctuary of the living room. He sank down on the couch and dug his fists into his eyes.

 

In the hospital, Jasper had exactly two thoughts. The first was disappointment. What was the point, he wondered? What was the point of all these people working over him, the nurses, doctors and orderlies? What was the point of the indignities he was suffering when he had no real interest in surviving them? That was where the disappointment came in. Looking back over the last two years, he’d been living as though he expected to die. He’d come so close that time and had only failed again.

 

His second constant thought was the growing need for another hit.It was the only reason he fought to get better. If he did what the doctors told him, they would let him go, and he could get what he needed. He needed it.

 

That all too familiar mindset settled over him again, though Jasper writhed, trying to throw it off before it could consume him. He had already begun to calculate, plan. He tried to figure how long this party might last. Would he have enough time to get what he needed before he had to be at work? How soon could he leave without his family realizing where he was going?

 

“Hey, dude.”

 

Jasper jumped a mile high where he was sitting. He turned to stare at Emmett who was leaning against the entry way that led to the kitchen. “What?” Jasper asked, the word coming out high-pitched and guilty.

 

If he noticed Jasper’s jumpiness, Emmett didn’t show it. “Get your ass out here. You know Mom’s rule. I can’t man the grill on my own.”

 

Jasper blinked stupidly at him for a minute before letting out a nervous, incredulous laugh. “That was the rule when we were twelve,” he said, but he got to his feet.

 

“Well, Rosie tells me I have the mentality of the a six-year-old all the time.”

 

“What happened to Edward?”

 

“Your guess is as good as mine.” Emmett shrugged. “He got distracted by Bella, and I haven’t seen him in a few minutes. Kid’s so whipped, he might not reappear for hours, so his loss. Now come on. I want to eat before I have to retire.”

 

Jasper allowed himself a moment to appreciate the lifeline Emmett--knowingly or not--had thrown him. There was a big part of Jasper that didn’t want to go back to where the rest of his family waited. Going back was going to hurt, and he didn’t know how much more pain he could stand. But there was Emmett offering him a hand in the dark and the knowledge Jasper wouldn’t be alone.

 

“Okay,” he said. “Let’s do this thing.”

 

Some hours later Jasper was, as always, exhausted. It had been so long since he had relaxed at all. The last time he’d felt any sense of peace and relief was…

 

Since the family had taken up residence in the living room by then, Jasper retreated to the stairs. He dug in his pocket for the stress ball his father had given him and hung his head between his knees as he squeezed. Though he was endlessly grateful his family--even Rosalie and Edward with their cold silences--was trying to get used to him again, it hadn’t made this day easy.

 

After a few minutes the craving faded and Jasper became aware of activity on the second story of the house. Of course. Bella and Edward had disappeared some time after they’d eaten. Jasper assumed it had to do with him, but as the low conversation became clearer, he wasn’t so sure.

 

“We should go downstairs,” Bella said. “We’ve been gone too long.”

 

“You still look woozy.”

 

Bella sighed. “I’m really dizzy.”

 

“Lay down. Just rest. I’ll go downstairs. And don’t worry. Dad will understand.” There was a soft smacking sound that made Jasper think Edward had kissed Bella.

 

That should have been Jasper’s cue to get up and get out of there, but he was struck by worry. Obviously Bella was unwell. His whole life since he’d gotten home was waiting for the next foot to fall. Jasper was well acquainted with the idea of Murphy’s Law. It would be his grand sense of timing to throw his family into upheaval at the worst possible time for Bella. God, what if-

 

Edward’s presence at the top of the stairs drew Jasper’s attention. He got to his feet. “I didn’t mean,” he started, but quickly cut himself off. If Edward wanted to believe Jasper was spying on them, nothing was going to convince him otherwise. “Is Bella sick? Is she going to be okay?” he asked instead.

 

His brother stared at him with a hard expression. “She’s fine,” he said, his tone clipped. He paused a moment, but then raised his head as if in challenge. “She’s pregnant.”

 

Jasper sat down hard on the step. “Oh,” was all he could manage, disoriented as he was. He was so used to bad news, he wasn’t sure how to process that information. It didn’t help that an old guilt flared. He couldn’t help remembering his then-twenty-year-old girlfriend saying those words to him, her voice trembling with tears and fear.

 

He gave his head a hard shake, trying to orient himself in place and time. Edward’s hard expression was narrowing into a glare, and Jasper saw the statement for what it was. It was a test. Edward was looking for a fight. Or not looking, but expecting, perhaps. In his own way, Edward was waiting for the other shoe to fall too, Jasper realized. He was still waiting for his elder brother to remind him, no matter what the situation was now, Bella and Kaylee had both been Jasper’s first.

 

“That’s… That’s great. That’s fantastic,” Jasper said quickly. “Wow. Congratulations.”

 

Edward’s shoulders relaxed though he still looked gruff and skeptical. “Thank you.”

 

“Who knows?”

 

“No one,” Edward said, and Jasper was shocked. “Well. I’m sure Mom and Dad suspect after today.”

 

Jasper nodded, still on edge, surprised for so many reasons that this conversation was happening. “Yeah. Dad being a doctor and all.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

They both didn’t move for an awkward beat or two. Jasper was ridiculously nervous, his heart pounding and his mouth dry. He swallowed several times, both afraid to break this temporary peace and afraid to stay because it wouldn’t last. It couldn’t.

 

Edward huffed out a breath and continued down the stairs without another word. Jasper took a moment to steady himself and followed his brother.

 

They stood on opposite sides of the room as Carlisle let his grandchildren help him open his presents. Again, Jasper made sure to appreciate, as difficult as this day was, the gifts it brought him.

 

When Henry couldn’t loosen one of his grandfather’s presents from its plastic cage, it was Jasper he turned to. “Help me out, Uncle J,” he said. The boy’s easy acceptance and trust was a cool salve on Jasper’s aching heart.

 

Esme pulled Jasper down to sit beside her, and when he opened the present from him, Carlisle’s smile lingered. They were glad he was there with them to celebrate.

 

And of course, Kaylee. Jasper was never going to get tired of watching her. He wouldn’t give it up, not even for the bitter regret that threatened to choke him at times.

 

After presents, Jasper excused himself, needing to get ready for work. He was almost dressed when he felt rather than heard a presence fill the doorway. Somehow he just knew it was his little brother, and he tensed, not looking up.

 

“You know, Dad didn’t even want to celebrate after you left, that year I mean,” Edward said after a moment. “We didn’t celebrate.”

 

Jasper concentrated on the buttons of his vest. His hands trembled. “I, um… I know you don’t want to hear I’m sorry again, but I don’t know what else to say.”

 

“I guess it was hard to think about celebrating when you thought your son might be dead.” Edward’s tone was still even, as though he were merely musing.

 

Jasper didn’t say anything, and he didn’t look up. A sick feeling pooled in his stomach. He would never get used to how low he felt knowing how much pain he’d brought on his family.

 

“Jasper?”

 

Here it comes. Jasper turned slowly to face Edward, resigned to hearing for the millionth time what a horrible person he was. “What?”

 

Edward didn’t answer right away. He was staring down, his hands clenching and unclenching. He breathed in, his shoulders rising and falling once, twice, before he he finally looked up. “I’m glad you didn’t die.”

  
Jasper blinked, positive at first he’d heard wrong. He froze, taken so by surprise he couldn’t find words to respond. By the time he’d untied his tongue, Edward had already walked away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Many thanks to Barburella and songster and I hope jfka06 forgives me for posting without her. You know me and patience.
> 
> We’re back in Edward’s head in the present time next chapter. I know a lot of you have been waiting. How we doing out there, kids?


	16. Navigate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hello, lovelies. I hope life is treating you kindly.

Edward grimaced as he lay in bed listening to the sound of his wife retching. Helplessness wasn’t something he handled very well, especially when Bella was suffering. He’d tried to stay with her but had been vehemently banished back to the bedroom. He’d brewed a serving of ginger tea. It was rapidly cooling on the nightstand next to her side of the bed.

 

After an age, Bella shuffled into the room looking haggard. He sat up, pulling the covers back for her. She sat on the edge of the bed, her back to him. Edward moved slowly, giving her the chance to rebuff him if she didn’t feel like being touched. When she didn’t protest, he moved to sit behind her, his legs around hers. She leaned back against his chest, eyes closed and face pale in the dim light of the room. “I don’t like this part,” she murmured.

 

Edward didn’t say anything. He brushed hair off one shoulder, so he could press soft kisses to her clammy cheek. She sighed, relaxing further against him as he wrapped his arms low around her. He began humming in her ear, a sound tuneless at first. Slowly, as he stroked his hands over her still-flat belly, the song took shape, and he began to hum Sweet Child of Mine.

 

Bella stiffened and pulled away from him. “Don’t. Don’t sing that. I don’t want to hear that. Jasper-”

 

They both froze, the mood of the room shifting from intimate to awkward in a heartbeat. Edward closed his eyes and took a deep breath, tilting his head to rest against hers. "Jasper sang it to you when you were pregnant with Kaylee," he finished for her.

 

She nodded. "I'm sorry."

 

Edward took another few minutes before he answered, so he could be sure he would mean what he said. "You can talk to me about anything that's bothering you."

 

"You shouldn't have to hear these things. It isn't fair."

 

"It's not unfair. It's isn’t easy, but it's not unfair." He drew his fingertips along the line of her shoulder. "This is what real life looks like. Maybe it would be nice if it was only ever you and me, but it wasn’t. That’s life. It’s not smooth and neat. So tell me.”

 

Bella shifted, and he followed her movements until they were both laying back down, his chest still pressed to her back. She sighed before she spoke. “Sometimes I think it’s weird. All those clichés talk about cherishing the good times and forgetting the bad times. The problem with that is the good memories hurt the most.”

 

Edward stayed quiet. He ran his hands under her nightshirt, not to titillate but to assure her with an intimate connection.

 

“I’ve never been more terrified in my life than when I was pregnant the first time. I didn’t feel old enough to be someone’s mother. I still don’t. And then Jasper… Looking back, it’s obvious I shouldn’t have been with him. I knew he was an addict, of course, but when I was with him, it never seemed that bad. He never seemed that bad. Not like you see on television. He was never violent. He never stole my things or did anything so crazy when he was high.”

 

“He’s a highly functional addict,” Edward said, his tone wry. It was one of the reasons Edward was still so surprised when he went so far off the deep end, abandoning Bella and Kaylee the way he had, disappearing for years. It was an extreme action, and even though they’d all known Jasper was in trouble, they’d never known him to go to extremes.

 

“Yeah,” Bella said. “When I was with him, I never realized how bad it was until I knew I was going to have a baby with him. Like it wasn’t that big of a deal that my boyfriend was on drugs, but it was horrible when he was my baby’s father. I was alone, guilty, and scared out of my mind.

 

“But then Jasper was… He was great. He really was. I was an awful coward about being pregnant.”

 

Edward snorted. “I doubt that.”

 

“Well. I was so weepy I annoyed myself. He was patient, though. He said all the right things.” She breathed deep. “And he was so cute about the baby.”

 

Edward had noticed that when she spoke about her first pregnancy, she never called Kaylee by name. The pregnancy had belonged to her and Jasper. Kaylee had always been Edward’s.

 

“He would sing in my ear, like you did,” she said. “Sometimes, he would sit on the floor with his guitar so he could sing to my belly.”

 

A memory hit Edward, and he spaced out for a moment. He remembered sitting on the piano bench, alternately flustered and pleased. Jasper sat beside him, facing the other way with his guitar. He would patiently pluck out four or five notes on his guitar and wait for Edward to follow on the piano. Over and over until Edward had learned a whole song. He didn’t remember what that first song was, but he remembered playing it for his parents and Emmett. While he received pats and accolades, Jasper stood off to the side, smiling proudly but quiet.

 

“That’s why the good memories are harder, I think,” Bella said, bringing him back to the present. “He gave me such hope. I know, after he found out about the baby, he tried so hard to get clean. He was always with me or at work, so I thought he was. He told me he was okay, and I believed him. I guess I wanted to believe him.”

 

He kissed the top of her head. “I always did, too.” He hesitated. “Bella?”

 

“Hmm?”

 

He tightened his hold on her and nuzzled the back of her head with the tip of his nose. “Are you ever… Do you resent sometimes that it was me you fell in love with? As opposed to someone who wasn’t Jasper’s brother?”

 

She stiffened and wiggled in his arms until he loosened his hold. She turned and rested a hand at his waist. “What a bizarre question to ask.”

“Is it? He broke your heart.  If I wasn’t Jasper’s brother, you wouldn’t have to see him all the time.”

 

Though it was dark, Edward thought he could feel Bella’s exasperated expression.

“Edward, the only thing I resent you for is the fact that sometimes, when I look at you, I get a crappy country song in my head.”

 

“What?”

 

She kissed the tip of his nose. “God bless the broken road that led me straight to you.” She sighed. “You were right about what you said before. This is what life looks like. You don’t get it right on the first try, and it’s always messy. You can’t get away without some kind of mess, and my messes are why I have you, better or worse.” She pressed a light kiss to his lips. “I wouldn’t trade you. Not for anything. And I love your parents, too. See, I was screwed anyway because even if I wasn’t in love with you, I never would have taken Kaylee away from her grandparents, or you, or Emmett and Rosalie for that matter.

 

“And then what? I would have had to put up with Jasper regardless. That’s what happens when you have a baby with someone. You’re tied to them forever. If it hadn’t been for you, I might not have thought to sever Jasper’s parental rights. Then when he came back, he could have filed for custody whenever he wanted to. Right now, as terrible as it is that your parents are walking the line between being there for you and being there for your brother, all of their resources would have been his.

 

"But we did have Jasper’s rights severed, and your parents have promised that, if it ever came down to it, they would help us not him. This isn’t a competition, or it shouldn’t be, but to answer your question, no. I don’t resent you. I couldn’t.”

 

The end of her sentence cut off in a yawn. Edward closed his eyes and brushed the tips of their noses together.  “I’m sorry, love. I’m being a bad husband. You need sleep.”

 

“So do you.” She kissed him. “I love you.”

 

“I love you.”

_**~0~** _

A morning meeting at work ran late, and as a result, the higher-ups decided work was done for the day. Edward found himself driving toward his mother’s office. There, he discovered she was away from her desk. He settled down to wait, sitting behind her desk like he had when he was a teenage brat.

 

Esme’s office was decorated mostly with pictures and some of her sons’ more artistic projects: various bits of artwork from Edward, wood projects from Emmett, and Jasper’s more artistic shots. Many of the pictures of the family were Jasper’s work. He had a knack for capturing people, their essence and emotion, so well.

 

There was a picture of Edward with Emmett he’d always loved. He was perhaps two or three and perched on his big brother’s shoulders. Emmett’s head was tilted up, looking at his little brother with a patient smile even though Edward’s hands fell haphazardly over his face. Edward was looking out, at Jasper behind the camera, his mouth open with whatever he was babbling at his blond-haired brother.

 

Jasper’s talent had showed itself early. There was another picture, one of Esme’s favorites, that Jasper had taken at eight-years-old. In it, Edward was so tiny, he must have been brand new. He rested, asleep, on Esme’s chest. Her head was tilted on Carlisle’s shoulder. He had one arm around her, his other hand over hers on Edward’s back. They were both staring down at their baby son with awe and adoration.

 

What had it been like for Jasper taking this picture, Edward wondered. Was there a picture like this of Jasper with his father and mother looking down in awe and reverence at the life they’d created together?

 

Jasper hadn’t taken all the family pictures around the room of course. He was in a fair amount of them. Edward had just picked up a frame from her desk—in it all three brothers had fallen asleep sprawled on the floor of the living room in front of the TV, Edward draped over Jasper’s chest—when Esme came in.

 

“Oh.” She put her hand to her heart. “You scared me.”

 

“Sorry.” Edward stood and wrapped his mother in a tight hug.

 

“Is something wrong?” she asked, rubbing his back.

 

Edward blew out a long breath and released her.  “Nothing,” he said as he sat down on the right side of the desk.

 

"Are you sure?"

 

Edward shifted his weight. There was no good way to segue into this conversation. He chuffed and dove in. "I don't understand how you can blame yourself for everything Jasper did. I'm sorry,” he said at her quick intake of breath. "You're my mother too, and you’re a good mother.”

 

“I was a good mother to you,” Esme said, interrupting the tirade of words. She settled back in her chair with a troubled expression. “I’ve been very honest with you about how I grew up.”

 

Without love and affection. With coldness and expectation. Edward nodded, his throat tight, and Esme fixed him with a sad expression. “What makes you think Jasper grew up differently than how I did?”

 

Edward started “You’re nothing like Grandmother and Grandfather.”

 

“Not to you.” She rocked slowly, not looking at him as she spoke. “I never wanted to be like my parents. That much I knew, that they’d done wrong by me, and I knew I never wanted my babies to feel like they’d made me feel.

 

“I was eighteen when I met Charles and nineteen when I gave birth to Jasper. I thought Charles loved me. He knew how to love, or so I thought, and I took his lead when it came to Jasper. He made so much sense to me back then.” Her fingers drummed restlessly on the desk, a disturbed tattoo. “Charles said if you expected the best from children, if you hold them to a high standard, they would be good; better than the brats other people raise. I wanted very much for my baby to live up to his standards. I always wanted to please him and that extended to Jasper. He deserved a good son.

 

“So I was demanding of Jasper because Charles was demanding of both of us. He expected too much and gave too little affection. Because we didn’t deserve it, you know. We were never good enough, and I thought that was my fault.”

 

She paused and smiled though the redness in her eyes told him she was close to tears. “Your father was a revelation. He loves without condition or expectation.” She finally looked at him. “Why is it you think you and Emmett are happy, confident men, hmm? There is a line between guiding a child and crippling them that isn’t always clear. Your father taught me how to love in every sense of the word. Or maybe he just gave me permission to. It’s hard to say.”

 

“But Jasper had Dad since he was very little.”

 

“Yes, but it took me a long while to unlearn the way I had come to interact with Jasper. By the time I met your father, even though I’d run from Charles, I was already set in my ways. I was used to handling Jasper a certain way. I had to work very hard to try to be the mother he deserved, that you all deserved. There was so much about myself I had to fix… not so unlike what Jasper is doing now. And even when I knew what I was doing, it took a long time to rewrite old, bad habits. It didn’t help that Jasper was used to my… rougher ways. He didn’t know how to respond, and it made him nervous, angrier, harder to handle.

 

“Then, of course, I had to send him back to Charles for days and weeks at a time.” The drumming against the table became rough again, and Esme stared away sightlessly. “He had no chance. My poor boy.”

 

“That wasn’t your fault. You did the best you could.”

 

“Edward, you can’t hold Jasper responsible for every wrong move he’s made and not do the same for me. I know from experience what it's like to think if your parent can't love you,  how could anyone else? I know what living with that does to a person. I should have known he would find a way to escape. I did. I found Charles, and look where that got me.”

 

She shook her head hard and her look was more soft when she met his eyes again. “Carlisle is there in him though, you know. He had some effect.

 

“When you were born, Jasper watched Carlisle so carefully. I think he imitated the way your father was with you. He was so gentle, more gentle than I’d ever seen him. He would sing to you and stroke your hair and tickle you. He liked to hear you laugh, and he always tried to soothe you when you cried.” Her breath hitched with the memory, but she was smiling. “And when we let him hold you, he would coo at you. ‘Good boy. You’re such a good boy.’”

 

Her eyes closed and a tear spilled down her cheek. “You know, I don’t think anyone ever told him the same thing.”

_**~0~** _

Two weeks after Carlisle’s birthday, visiting with Kaylee and Bella, Edward watched his brother watching his daughter. His jaw was, as always, tense. He watched Jasper like a hawk as usual, waiting for him to step out of line.

 

He never did. He was always very careful about how he interacted with Kaylee. The look on his face was always one of unadulterated longing. He wanted to kiss and cuddle her; Edward could practically feel the strong urge that emanated from his brother. He didn’t, though. He stuck to the rules Bella had set down the first time. He never interacted with Kaylee unless the little girl came to him first.

 

Of course, much to Edward’s irritation, Kaylee liked Jasper. She’d accepted his presence without hesitation and would often clamber up onto his lap. Jasper was, after all, an attentive audience. He never seemed to get bored of her rambling or nonsensical babbling. He was patient and, to Kaylee anyway, almost as hilarious as her nanny, Jake.

 

Edward got to his feet. He wasn’t even sure what he was so angry about. He hated seeing Jasper touch Kaylee, but what sense did that make?

 

He was so sick of being angry all the time.

 

“Jasper.” The word came out as a bark, and Jasper and Kaylee both looked up, wary at his tone. Edward forced himself to take a deep breath. So far, Kaylee had been oblivious to Edward’s tension, and he intended to keep it that way. He swallowed hard. “Why don’t we have lunch. You and me. Out at the diner.”

 

Jasper’s eyes went wide, and Edward couldn’t blame him. He was surprised himself. His brother didn’t have to ask which diner. It was one Jasper had taken him to many times as a big brother treat after he had his own car. “O...okay.”

 

On the way to the diner, neither of them spoke. Edward had too many things running through his head, and he didn’t know what was going to come out first. He wasn’t even sure he could keep from yelling except that everything he had to say, every accusation he wanted to make, already hung like pollution in the air between them.

 

Angry though he was, it gave Edward no satisfaction to observe, for the millionth time, just how conquered Jasper was. Sitting in the diner across from him again was surreal. When Edward had first sat there, his big brother was like a demigod in his eyes, all awe-inspiring and awesome because he had freedom and confidence. Now, he sat with his shoulders hunched, his eyes mostly stuck on the tabletop in front of them though he did dart nervous glances up at Edward now and again. From the way he shifted restlessly in his seat, Edward wouldn’t have been surprised if he bolted for the door.

 

More than anything at that moment, Edward found he hated the Grand-Canyon-sized chasm between them. He resented Jasper for it. “I want to know why,” he said, breaking the silence.

 

Jasper eyed him, his expression resigned. “Why what?” he asked in a tone that suggested he knew damn well where Edward was going with this.

 

“You grew up hearing the same stories I did about drugs. Addiction I get. Clinically, I get it. What I don’t understand is how you started.”

 

With a shrug, Jasper looked back down at the tabletop. “I’m not going to make excuses. I-”

 

Edward banged his hand down on the tabletop to stop his brother’s rote response. “No. No bullshit, Jasper. I want to know the real reason.” He took a deep breath, willing himself to find calm again. He had questions, and he knew he needed to keep his cool if he expected Jasper to answer honestly, without being defensive. “I’m going to listen, and I won’t argue. I just need to know. Why? We’re a good family. You had two brothers who loved you and parents who would have done anything for you. Why choose the drugs?”

 

Jasper hesitated and picked up his napkin, worrying it between his fingers. He closed his eyes and let out a long, slow breath before he started.

 

He told Edward about how he’d always felt different, separate from the family even when he was with them.

 

Edward had to protest. “But that was in your head. No one ever treated you-”

 

“You said you were going to listen,” Jasper said, staring back with mild reproach.

 

Edward sat back with a huff and motioned for Jasper to continue.

 

He did, methodically ripping his napkin into tiny shreds as he spoke.  “It was different for me. Mom was different with you, and I thought… maybe I still think it was because of me. I was bad somehow.”

 

That was how it felt, Jasper told him; that there was something very wrong, intrinsically off-kilter about him. He was like a defective electronic; he just never worked right.

 

“It’s like poison,” Jasper said. “You feel it in your blood, this ugliness right under the surface of your skin. It’s always there, and you can’t wipe it off.”

 

Edward was smart enough to recognize Jasper’s use of the third person as a distancing coping mechanism. He could see how hard this admission was on his brother, and it tempered some of the accusatory things that were on the tip of his tongue.

 

“I don’t know. The wrongness was always there, but the poison… I don’t know when that started. All I know is it started to get worse. Heavier. Impossible to ignore. It was so real to me it might as well have been a physical thing, and sometimes it could choke me.

 

“I don’t know if you remember, but I started to struggle a lot when I got to middle school.”

 

Edward nodded. “I thought later it was the drugs.”

 

Jasper shook his head. “It wasn’t. Not then. And it wasn’t me being an obstinate teenager like Mom thought either. I wasn’t trying to cause trouble. It was just physically difficult to get up in the morning. And when I went to class, I don’t know, I was in this fog all the time. I couldn’t think at all. I hurt all the time for no reason. And I was such a little bitch back then. One minute I’d want to cry, the next minute I’d be so angry. I got in a lot of fights at school. And then some days, even on weekends, I had no energy at all. I slept all day long, not because I was lazy, but because I couldn’t get up. I just couldn’t.”

 

Depression, Edward thought inwardly, and when he thought about it that way, all of his brother’s early actions, the ones he’d eventually chalked up to drugs, made sense.

 

His brother took a deep breath. “Anyway. So… here come James, Laurent, and Victoria. Bad news. I knew it. The other kids gave them a wide berth and snickered behind their backs.

 

“I honestly don’t remember why we started talking. The thing was… they were like me. Off. Like me. Wrong. They got it. Without me having to say anything, they got it.

 

“At first, I would opt out when they got into the drugs. They teased me, but like you said, I grew up with the same propaganda you did. Just say no, right?”

 

He drummed his fingers on the tabletop, reminding Edward of their mother as he continued. “But then James started to get mad. Then suspicious, like I was going to narc them out or something. I didn’t… They were the only ones who understood. They just got it. I couldn’t lose that, them. I couldn’t.”

 

“So I tried it. I figured just once and then I could tell him I didn’t like it. Like you know when Mom made us take a bite of brussel sprouts before she would let us refuse them outright.  I would just tell them I didn’t like it…

 

His head was tilted all the way down now, his shoulders slumped so far forward, Edward thought for a moment he would fall on the tabletop, into the pile of tiny bits he'd shredded his napkin into. “Thing is… I did like it,” he admitted in a small voice. “I really did. Not so much the stuff… It was … It’s not so much that it made me think clearly. Obviously it didn’t. It was just… before, the hurt was the loudest, and I couldn’t think of anything else. I couldn’t shrug it off. That’s what made me so angry. All the time I was angry. Angry or tired and in pain. Well, on the stuff… I wasn’t. I had energy, my body didn’t hurt anymore, and my head was fuzzy, but it wasn’t cloudy.” He looked up, his eyes desperate, pleading for understanding. “Honestly, Edward, I’m not saying they were a good thing, but I think the drugs were the only reason I got through high school. I could function better with them. I felt better. God, I know how stupid it was. I know. Cerebrally I know, but I’d felt so bad for so long. I kept telling myself to stop, but it was hard to give it up. It was hard to give up the only minutes or hours I felt… whole.”

 

Edward was quiet, trying to sort through the myriad reactions that all threatened. Accusations, admonitions, they would have been easy. Edward liked the word Jasper had used. Cerebrally. Cerebrally he could try to wrap his head around the idea his brother had been, essentially internally tortured, battered at the soul level by both his parents and physically by Charles. Cerebrally he could see how he would do anything just to alleviate that kind of pain for a few minutes. The practice of it, though, wasn’t as simple.

 

Hadn’t he known then there were other ways? Drugs? Why drugs? How could anyone be that stupid?

 

But then he thought again about his earlier amateur diagnosis. Depression. Bad brain chemistry triggered, in this case, by trauma, physical and verbal abuse.

 

Jasper had been sick for a long time, Edward realized then; it just wasn’t always the same illness.

 

Edward understood depression like he understood addiction. It was a disease, and it warped the brain, changed it. A normal, healthy brain likely could have made a better choice, not done the drugs in the first place, but a diseased brain?

 

He had to swallow several times, processing it all. He thought about all the pressure Jasper was under, and the constantly exhausted, drained, defeated slump to his posture. “Do you feel the same way now? I mean. Do you feel like you did before the drugs?”

 

Jasper stared at him for a long time before he answered. He pushed the bowl of soup he’d ordered, long since gone cold, away, likely as uninterested in food as Edward was at that point. He sighed “It’s worse now.”

 

Edward’s throat tightened. A minute passed and then another. “I’m sorry,” Edward finally said. He had no idea what he was apologizing for. An ‘I’m sorry’ of sympathy and pity? He definitely felt pity, as wretched as Jasper looked right about then. Or maybe it was an I’m sorry because he’d realized abruptly just how heavy a weight he’d put on his brother’s already taxed shoulders.

 

Maybe it was both. Maybe it was everything.

  
Jasper looked up and blinked. A smile twitched at the corner of his mouth, barely there. “Thanks.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: SO! That happened.  
> Many thanks to songster, jessypt, and barburella. Jfka06 - I LOVE YOU...js. Ty too.   
> How we doing, everyone?


	17. Friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hello my darlings! I was going to say something about something but I can’t for the life of me remember. Anyway. Onward.

It had been weeks since Jasper reconnected with Laurent on Facebook. It was clear his old friend was eager to see him, but Jasper was reluctant.

 

“I don’t get the holdup,” Alice said, exasperated when Jasper told her he’d made excuses for yet another of Laurent’s invitations. “You need a friend who understands.”

 

“You understand.”

 

“I’m not there, and I don’t understand everything. I would think that he understands a part of you no one else would.”

 

At that, Jasper was quiet. He and Laurent had been idiot children together. They were two lost boys desperate in their own ways to be led by someone who might approve of them. They’d both found James. He’d given them approval, love--twisted and marked by his own demons though it was--and an alternative to the aching emptiness inside them. Those were things Jasper had trouble making his family understand, because it all sounded ridiculous when he put it into words. With Laurent, he wouldn’t have to.

 

Jasper sighed. “He was my excuse for a long time. I knew I was fucked up. Of course I knew that. But I took some, I don’t know, pride in the fact I wasn’t as bad as he was. I wasn’t as bad as any of the rest of them--James, Victoria, Laurent. I got through school. I had a job. I didn’t do the things they started to do when they couldn’t afford their habit.

 

“But then, when I ran, that all changed. By the time you found me, I’d sunk to levels I’d never seen the others get to.” He closed his eyes and swallowed hard, ashamed and self-conscious even though he was alone in his room, and Alice had already seen him at his worst. “This is petty of me. It’s messed up, but I don’t know if I can see him as better than me. I don’t know what his deal is. He says he’s clean. I know he has a job, a girl.”

 

“Well, I’ll tell you something, Jasper. You’re doing a hell of a lot better than James.”

 

That was a point. Jasper tapped his fingers against the bed in a staccato rhythm. “That was luck. It could have been me.” He tilted his head against the wall and stared up at his ceiling. “I think… for a long time, I wanted it to be me. I think that’s what I was really trying to do for two years. That’s… that’s pathetic, Al.”

 

She took a deep breath and her voice shook when she spoke again. “Being suicidal isn’t the same thing as being pathetic. Jasper, I thought you were seeing a therapist.”

 

“I am.”

 

“Then you should know this already. You’re not pathetic.”

 

Jasper gave a dissatisfied grunt. “She wants me to take pills.”

 

“Well, yeah. That seems like a pretty rational thing.”

 

“How is that rational? Trading one dependency for another? Isn't that how I got into this in the first place?”

 

“You got into this because you self-medicated. Don’t pretend antidepressants are the same things as street drugs. This therapist you’re working with deals primarily with addicts. She’s not going to prescribe you something that’s only going to drag you deeper. It might help. It might-”

 

“I’ll think about it,” Jasper snapped. He knew she was only trying to help, but he’d heard the same speech from his parents ad nauseum.

 

Alice could take a hint. “So have you told her about Laurent?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“And?”

 

Jasper rubbed the back of his neck. “Could go either way. If he’s really clean, you’re right. It might help to have a friend who understands where I came from. If he’s not as clean as he says, it’s a temptation with an added bonus of potential peer pressure.”

 

She made a dissatisfied clucking sound but didn’t say anything.  Jasper nodded, agreeing with her though, of course, she couldn't see him.

 

"I hate this," he murmured. "I want one easy choice. Just one. I'm so sick of feeling like every tiny choice I make is going to destroy my life." He rubbed at his eyes. "I'm sorry. Don't listen to me. I have no right to whine when I have it better than a lot of others like me."

 

"I want you to do me one favor," Alice said.

 

Jasper sat up straight on his bed. "Yeah, anything."

 

"Don't ever apologize to me for needing to complain a bit. It's called venting, and there's nothing wrong with it. I'm your friend, and this is what friends do."

 

"What have I done to deserve friends, huh? Or more specifically, what have I done to deserve you? What do you get out of this anyway? What the hell did you ever see in me?"

 

"Well, the first thing I saw was a man bleeding to death on the street," she said, her tone dry. "Not for nothing, but I would have helped Hitler out of that mess. That's just how I roll. But beyond that, since I know you're not ready to hear what a good person you are,  let's just leave it at this: you're an investment. I don't regret helping you, and I'm your friend. Everyone deserves a friend."

 

"Yeah, well,  I'm glad you think so."

**~0~**

Laurent had changed. It was unreasonable to have expected him to remain the same young man he had been when Jasper had seen him some years before, but the difference was jarring.

 

Gone was the sloppy, eccentric style Jasper had associated with him since they were idiot teenagers. Everything about him was neat and orderly now. His hair was cropped short. He wore a button down shirt and jeans with nary a hole in them. Even the watch he wore was plain. It was as though he'd wiped away a huge part of his personality along with the drugs.

 

Jasper understood that only too well.  More than once, when his hands and mind weren't occupied enough,  he struggled with his self-identity. Who was he when he wasn't taking drugs? He filled his time, but he wasn't sure he'd figured out if he was really living or merely surviving the time between the next challenge.

 

Laurent offered his hand but rather than shake, he pulled Jasper into a back-slapping hug. "Sorry," he said, releasing him. "It's just so good to see you in one piece." His eyes flitted to the scars on Jasper’s face. "Relatively. "

 

"Relatively," Jasper said as he took a seat across from his old friend.

 

They got through the usual pleasantries as they perused menus. How they were feeling and the like. After they ordered, an awkward silence came over them. There was so much Jasper wanted to ask, but he wasn't sure what was off-limits. It was strange how little he knew about Laurent considering they'd been friends for nearly two decades.

 

Laurent laughed. "Are you wondering if we have anything in common without drugs?"

 

Jasper’s lips tugged up. "Yeah, that's one way to put it." He met Laurent’s eyes, seeing the same exhaustion he felt in the slumped set of the other man's shoulders. "It wasn't all the drugs, was it? Us, I mean. We were friends before I started."

 

"Yes," Laurent agreed. "I thought so. But to be honest, I don't really remember much about high school." He scoffed. "Where did my twenties go, man?"

 

"I wish I knew. I haven't got much to show for myself."

 

Not much and yet everything. The only thing he had to show for his entire life was a beautiful little girl who had only recently stopped calling him Mister Man in favor of mimicking her older cousin in calling him Uncle Jay.

 

"You have a degree," Laurent said.

 

Jasper shook his head. "I have a degree in an island surrounded by burned bridges."

 

"Ah, burned bridges. Familiar with that." He tapped the table. "Well, you're still one up on me. It's an open door you earned yourself. I've had a job, a steady job for the last year, almost two. It's... interesting, working. Surprisingly enough, I'm happy to be a productive member of society, but I can't say I earned it.

 

"See, there's a girl. Kate. She's amazing, and she believes in me. God only knows why she loves me, but the fact remains she does. Her mother owns a business. Kate put in a good word, and here I am."

 

"That's good. That's not bad," Jasper said.

 

"Not bad for me. It works for me in more ways than one." He tilted his head. "I got clean for myself, because I got scared after James overdosed. I don't want to die. I don't want to be the way I was before, but sometimes..." He shifted,  searching for words. "It's not enough."

 

Jasper’s throat tightened and he nodded. He understood that feeling. Death alone wasn't a big enough deterrent, not when need burned in his veins. A man on fire would jump into a vat of acid to put out the flames.  

 

"On the worst days, potentially dying isn't enough," Laurent said. "But Kate is. On the worst days, it's the combination. I don't want to die, and I don't ever want to disappoint Kate. Everyone else... That ship has sailed, you know? Who haven't I disappointed? But Kate? I won't do it."

 

"Incentive. I can dig it," Jasper said. "So tell me more about Kate."

**~0~**

It was late when Jasper got home. Lunch with Laurent had turned into coffee and that, eventually, had turned into dinner and then more coffee. He’d known for a while he could use a friend, but he hadn’t known just how deep the need went until one was there in front of him.

 

For the first time in a long time, when Jasper walked in the door of his parents’ home, he didn’t feel beaten. He didn’t feel tired. He was invigorated. Laurent was a halfway friend. He understood where Jasper came from and yet, he was a normal friend too. They had talked about their struggles, of course. They would always have common ground there. But Laurent talked about Kate and Jasper told him about Kaylee. Laurent became the second person, one of only two people in the world who would always know Kaylee as Jasper’s daughter. It was a comfort, because Laurent was one of only two people who would ever see this side of Jasper: Proud Papa. He showed off pictures of her, particularly the one where she was obviously giggling at the camera, at him.

 

They talked about plans and futures they might want to have. And then they talked about nothing. Bullshit. Complete fluff. They talked about baseball teams, and ridiculous weather, and despite living in Seattle, the fact neither one of them had been to the top of the Space Needle at night nor been at Pike’s Place early enough to see the fish be tossed. Frankly, Jasper didn’t know if he was actually interested in any of the things they talked about. He sensed too that Laurent was acting, playing at normalcy, but for the space of a few hours it worked.

 

Maybe, someday soon, Jasper would fill in those bits and pieces of inane conversation with things he actually liked, cared about. Maybe someday he wouldn’t have to act like he was normal.

 

“Where on earth have you been?”

 

Startled, Jasper jumped. “Mom?”

 

His mother came at him with a quickness that caught Jasper off guard. He actually took a step backward as she reached for him. “Where were you?” she asked again.

 

“I… Out,” he said dumbly, trying to read the expression on her face. She was radiating displeasure, and he was having flashbacks to disappointing her as a teenager.

 

“Don’t play that game with me. Where were you and with who?”

 

Jasper wrested his arm out of his mother’s grip and took another step back, frowning at her. “I was with Laurent having coffee.”

 

“You were supposed to meet him for lunch.”

 

“I did meet him for lunch.”

 

“And you expect me to believe you were with him all this time? Doing what?”

 

Jasper’s heart was pounding, hurt and fury mingling, leaving a foul taste in his mouth and a tightness in his throat. “We were talking.”

 

“Tell me the truth. You-”

 

“Mom, look at me!” Now it was Jasper who grabbed his mother’s shoulders. “Look me in the eyes. Do I look high to you?” He let her go and shrugged out of his jacket, tossing it to floor. He held his arms out. “You want to see for yourself? No fresh track marks. Is that what you were thinking? That I was out getting high again? You want to smell my breath? You want me to pee in a cup? I know you have them. I saw them in your bathroom months ago.”

 

By the end of his rant, Carlisle had made an appearance at the bottom of the steps. He looked between his son and his wife but said nothing. He stood quietly off to the side, shoulders tense.

 

Esme’s eyes had filled with tears, and her voice was tremulous as she spoke. “Then where were you?”

 

“I told you.”

 

“You were with Laurent.” She sucked in a sharp breath, her eyes narrowing. “I don’t want you to see him again.”

 

Jasper tilted his head, staring incredulously. “Is that… are you telling me not to see him?”

 

Esme said nothing but stared at him, not taking it back.

 

“Or else what? Are you going to threaten to kick me out again?”

 

“Again?” Carlisle echoed, looking at his wife.

 

“She told me if I drank again like I did that one time, she wasn’t going to watch me do it. And I get that. I deserved that.” He hadn’t taken his eyes off his mother. “I don’t deserve this. It’s been months that I’ve been in this house and a year before that, and I haven’t gotten high. Not once.”

 

“And think how easily all that progress could be thrown out the window,” Esme said, her voice rough.

 

“Laurent is clean.”

 

She scoffed.

 

“I haven’t been out with a friend in years. Years. You think I had friends when I was living on the streets? Or in the clinic? You think any of us were really friends there?”

 

“Make new friends. You’ve always been good at making new friends. You should have better friends.”

 

Jasper turned and drove his fist into the wall. Esme yelped and Carlisle said his name. He turned back to them, full of vitriol. “Better than what? Better than an ex-junkie? Better than a guy who’s mostly dependant on someone else? Better than a thirty-something-year-old man with not a damn thing left to be proud of, not a thing left that’s really his?”

 

“Jasper,” Carlisle said.

 

His father reached out to put a hand on his shoulder, but Jasper curled backward. “If he’s not worth knowing, neither am I,” he said. Then he turned and darted up the stairs.

 

He slammed the door to his bedroom, not giving two bits of hell he was being immature. He was too angry for maturity. Angry and betrayed and sick of the guilt. He threaded his fingers through his hair and quickly regretted it. He was this close to destroying something, and he was so maddened he wouldn’t have put it past himself to rip his own hair out of his skull. Instead, he threw himself face down on his bed and tried to remember how to breathe.

 

As much as the anger made him writhe in his skin, made him crave violence and chaos, he clung to it. He clung to it because it was better than the emotion simmering right underneath it. He beat the bed with his fist because what he really wanted to do was weep. He was so close to blubbering like a baby.

 

All he had done was stay out late with a friend. He was thirty-one. It was ridiculous that he couldn’t do that without his parents being suspicious. His mother had obviously waited up, worried, convincing herself he was making all the wrong choices. She trusted him that little.

 

It seemed like she and Carlisle had just been waiting for the inevitable day Jasper would fall, would fail.

 

That was the worst part, not because their lack of trust was unfounded but because there was every possibility they were right. Hadn’t Jasper admitted as much to Alice, that seeing Laurent was a risk because he was susceptible to peer pressure and will power wasn’t his best trait? Beyond that, how indignant could Jasper really be when the itch was back.

 

He twisted his fingers in his comforter, positive for full minutes that he was going to get up and run out the door and walk to the wrong part of town where the wrong people would have everything he needed. The backscratcher that reached the impossible itch. Salve on an open wound. The oasis in the middle of the desert.

 

God, he wanted it so much.

 

There was a knock at the door, and Jasper growled. “Go away!”

 

Yeah. He was seventeen all over again. Nothing to show. No progress for the last fourteen years. He’d been an angry, bitter young man with a drug problem and an attitude. Now he was an angry, bitter, not-so-young man with bad chemicals in his brain that made him crave something that could kill him, something that could rip his family apart, something that could destroy him all over again.

 

He reached back to pull his phone out of his pocket. A glance at the screen told him what he’d suspected. There were around a billion missed calls and texts. He’d had his phone on silent. Wiping them away, he dialed Alice. He woke her in the middle of the night again. And again, she told him not to apologize. Again she listened while he rambled, and she waited patiently until the need to self-medicate, as she had put it, faded to a dull want.

 

“That’s it,” she said. “I’m visiting.”

 

“Alice-”

 

“Whatever you’re going to say, don’t bother. Your parents love you and they’re supportive, and that’s all great. But they’re also your third biggest trigger. You need a break. You need a safe place to go to that isn’t their house, if only for a couple of days.

 

“So I’m going to come out to see you, and you’re going to come stay with me in my hotel room. That’s that.”

 

Jasper opened his mouth, ready to argue. She shouldn’t be wasting her precious time off on him. But fuck, he wanted it. He wanted her and what she was offering. A respite. Just a chance to breathe without worrying every minute that he was going to disappoint someone.

  
“That would be really great,” he said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: The author now realizes that next chapter is Edward’s PoV and she may have written herself into a small corner. Hmmm. WELL, we’ll see how that goes.  
> Many thanks to my jessypt, barburella, and songster. I loooove you. MWAH.   
> And youz guyz. How we doing out there… for those who keep asking, this story is almost done. AT MOST five chapters left.


	18. Closure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: How’s your weekend, my friends? I saw A Million Ways to Die In the West. It was horribad. Anyway. Onward.

In Seattle, the ground beneath the grass never truly dried, not down at the roots. Edward didn’t care. He didn’t care that his back was ice cold and both his shirt and jacket were soaked through. His baby girl’s giggle was too precious to give up just yet.

 

“Again, Daddy,” Kaylee said, gasping around paroxysms of laughter. She was sitting on his stomach now, her hands smacking his chest in excitement.

 

“Again?” He pretended to be confused. “Are you sure? You’re a girl not a bird.”

 

“Again. Fly me, Daddy. Please.” She bounced in place.

 

He sighed and lifted her up onto his bent knees on her belly so her small body was supported by his outstretched lower legs. He held her hands as long as he could, but as he extended his legs upright, Kaylee let go so she could spread her arms out as though she was flying. She giggled merrily, and Edward marveled at how the sound of her happiness could make him so happy. Still, he kept a close watch on her, his hands up in case his clumsy baby toppled.

 

Kaylee kept her eyes on him for a few moments before she lifted her head. Her expression changed from glee to excitement and she waved in that overly-emphatic way small children had perfected. “Unca Jay, Unca Jay. Look. I can fly!’

 

Startled, Edward dropped Kaylee onto his belly. She squealed, and he tucked her under him as he rolled over, bracing himself on his arms so he didn’t squish her. Sure enough, Jasper was there with a look of mild panic on his face, his body half turned as though he’d been caught in the act of walking away.

Jasper turned back slowly, and it seemed to take some effort for him to stand up straight as he met Edward’s gaze. He seemed conflicted, but then, he often did.

 

Still giggling, Kaylee wiggled out from under Edward and ran at Jasper. As his eyes flitted to her, his expression brightened. She barrelled into his legs for a quick hug and then lifted her arms in the classic “up” gesture.

 

Jasper hesitated, and Edward’s throat tightened as he got to his feet. When Jasper looked at him, he took a deliberate step backward, working to ease his tense posture. Correctly interpreting his body language as permission, Jasper leaned down to lift Kaylee up into his arms. Whatever trepidation had painted his face before vanished in an instant. Kaylee had wrapped her arms around his neck. Her grin hadn’t faded, and when Jasper smiled back at her, they looked so much alike Edward’s stomach clenched. Rage sparked, and he balled his hands into fists at his sides, but he didn’t move.

 

When he was more in control of his temper, Edward took a step forward. As though he sensed his time was up, Jasper gave Kaylee one last squeeze and set her back on her feet. She was still chattering away, telling Jasper about how she’d been pretending to be a superhero. She continued nattering even after Edward had scooped her up.

 

“Hey,” she protested when he turned around, away from Jasper. “Daddy, I was talking.”

 

“I know that, sugar, but I have to talk to Jasper now. It’s important.”

 

Her expression was dubious and displeased, but she didn’t argue when he opened the front door and set her down. “Go play with Mommy,” he said.

 

Her eyes flitted to Jasper and back to Edward with suspicion, and Edward wondered just how much tension she was picking up on. He made an effort to smile at her. “Go on.”

 

She finally obeyed, running into the house, and Edward closed the door. He took a deep breath before he turned back to his brother. “What are you doing here?” His brother went everywhere by bus or rides from their parents. Him being here was no accident or whim.

 

Jasper’s posture was unmistakably defensive, his shoulders set like he was preparing for a fight. He sighed. “I came to see Bella.”

 

Edward processed this. “I’m supposed to be at school. You knew that. My class was cancelled.”

 

Jasper ducked his head, the set of his shoulders slumping slightly. “Yeah. I knew.”

 

When he didn’t go on, Edward’s fists tightened. “You came to see my wife when you knew I wouldn’t be home.”

  
“There are things I have to say to her. Privately.” He tilted his head, giving Edward a look. “You know damn well she’s going to tell you whatever I say, and that’s fine. But this is for her, not for you.”

 

Edward glared. He didn’t like the idea. No part of him liked it, but he saw Kaylee’s worried face peering at him from the living room window. He took another breath and reconsidered. He remembered early on, after Jasper came back. Don’t you think that maybe you could at least get past the fact your wife was my girlfriend? Give me that one small thing?

 

The constant fury that had been a part of Edward since Bella had received the postcard saying Jasper was coming home had ebbed somewhat in the recent weeks. In its place was a grudging acknowledgement that Jasper understood beyond a shadow of a doubt every pain he’d put his family through, and he was working his ass off to earn a modicum of their trust again. The least he’d earned was the benefit of the doubt. After all, in these last three months, he hadn’t once shown attraction or interest toward Bella; it would be foolish to think he’d come to seduce her. The truth was, in this case, much more obvious and likely.

 

He grunted, displeased with the idea he had to allow this to happen. But then, that was part of growing up: doing things because they were the right thing to do regardless of whether or not it was something he wanted. “I don’t like that you tried to come behind my back,” he said, his voice rough. “Don’t do that shit again.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

Edward nodded and then he jerked his head toward the house as he started toward the door.

 

Bella and Kaylee were in the living room, both of them looking wary. Edward faced his wife but spoke to his daughter. “Kaylee, go get your jacket for me. We’re going out for ice cream.”

 

She let out a gasp of pleasure, wariness forgotten in an instant, and ran off. Edward hadn’t dropped Bella’s gaze. “Jasper wants to talk to you,” he said. “Alone.”

 

Bella searched him before she looked over his shoulder to where Jasper most likely stood. She nodded. “Okay.”

 

Kaylee had run back into the room, already struggling to get her jacket on. Edward stepped quickly to Bella’s side and kissed her. It was a chaste kiss, but he lingered, a not so subtle message just in case his brother needed it. He squeezed Bella’s hand before he picked Kaylee up. “Just you and me today, sugar. Let’s go.”

~0~

When Edward and Kaylee got back, Jasper was gone. Then there was dinner to think about and Kaylee to put in bed. Finally, when they were cuddled together in bed, Bella told him what had happened after he left.

_Bella shifted her weight from foot to foot watching as Edward’s car backed down the driveway and out of sight. She knew Jasper was behind her, and she hated the sensation that creeped along her skin, as though she was afraid to be alone with him. It wasn’t that she feared him or that she felt unsafe in any way. For months, she’d known this conversation was coming. There had been times, many times, when she’d wanted to initiate it herself, but she’d always chickened out._

_They had things to say to each other, and that elephant had been in the room since he came back._

_Jasper sighed and Bella took a deep breath before she turned back to him. The atmosphere was oppressive as they stared at each other. Jasper opened his mouth, closed it again. Bella crossed her arms over her chest and finally nodded to the couch. “Sit down.”_

_He took the loveseat and she the middle of the couch. She wanted to draw her legs up tight against her chest but settled for gripping her knees instead. He cleared his throat. “How’s the… You had such terrible morning sickness last time. How’s the-”_

_“Okay, can we…” Bella had to catch her breath. She knew he wasn’t trying to hurt her, but remembering her first pregnancy stung. “Can we cut to the chase?”_

_He ducked his head and rubbed the back of his neck. “Uh, yeah. I’ve just been thinking. Um. Your birthday is in a couple of weeks. I know Mom’s planning something.” He looked up, his eyes tight at the corners. “Sorry. It might have been a surprise.”_

_Despite her discomfort, Bella’s cheek twitched. “This is Esme we’re talking about. Maybe it was supposed to be a surprise, but it’s not an unexpected one.”_

_His lip quirked up at one corner. “Right.” He rested his elbows on his knees, as though there was a huge weight on his back weighing him down and he just couldn’t sit upright anymore. “Look, bottom line, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. It’s your birthday, and you should be happy. If you don’t want me there, that’s fine. Just say the word, and I’ll find somewhere else to be that day.”_

_Bella looked down at her hands. “No, that’s silly. You’re part of the family.”_

_“Are you saying that because you want me there or because you think it would hurt my parents if you asked me to leave? Because I wouldn’t tell them, you know. I would just say I had something to do.”_

_“And have your parents worried all day, wondering what you’re up to?” She winced. “I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair.”_

_“Maybe not, but it’s true.” He rubbed his hands together, considering his words. “Bella… I need to say a few things to you, and I don’t know if they’re fair to say, but I think you deserve to hear them.”_

_Her heartbeat picked up in double time, and she clenched her hand against her knee. “Okay.”_

_He shifted on the couch. “I think…” He huffed and then laughed. “Dammit. I’ve rehearsed this whole speech a thousand times, and I still can’t get it right.” He scooted to the edge of his seat. “I guess the most important thing, to me, is that I want you to know I never lied to you.” Again, he huffed, and rolled his eyes slightly. “I mean, I lied about the drugs. And getting help. Obviously, I lied to you about that, but what I’m trying to say is everything we were,” he gestured between them, “was honest. You were… you are important to me.” He bowed his head. “And I meant it when I said I loved you. I always meant it.”_

_Bella pressed her tongue to the roof of her mouth so she wouldn’t speak without thinking. There were a million things she wanted to say to that. Over the last three years, she’d often thought of what she would say if Jasper came back. There was a part of her that wanted to scream at him that if you loved someone, you didn’t hurt them the way he had hurt her. If he’d loved her, he couldn’t have left her alone, crippled both physically and by her desperate worry for her baby, their baby. But she was an adult, and it was a fairytale to think love was magical. Loving someone didn’t mean you weren’t capable of hurting them. The fact he loved her existed separately from his act of cowardice; it existed in spite of that._

_In the wake of abandonment, she had questioned so much about herself and about them as a couple. Despite the fact she was happy with Edward, and so much in love--a different, deeper love than she had ever shared with Jasper--as she let Jasper’s words sink in as truth, a part of her healed. That small part of her that still wondered why she hadn’t been enough for him was soothed. She closed her eyes and breathed in deep, feeling the lightness where the weight of that particular injury lifted._

_She looked up at him with a soft, sad smile. “I meant it too.”_

_They were never meant to be together forever, but Bella had gotten into the relationship for the right reasons even if she had stayed for the wrong ones. It wasn’t as though she had pursued the first addict she found. She’d wanted to save Jasper because he was worth saving. He was kind, compassionate, funny. There was a depth to him that, in her experience, many people lacked. He saw her. In a world where few people took the time to really understand anyone but themselves, and even then only shallowly, he saw more of her than she ever realized she let show._

_Growing up with an alcoholic father had left its mark, and when she was eighteen, she’d struggled with her self worth. The first time she’d kissed Jasper was when he’d leaned close to her ear and whispered, “You_ are _worth it.”_

_Bella stood and went to sit next to him on the loveseat. Startled, he shifted in his seat, watching her. She swallowed several times, testing out the words in her head to make sure they were true. Surprisingly, they were. She looked him in the eyes. “I forgive you.”_

_His breath caught and he blinked at her. “I… What?”_

_“I forgive you. I think I’ve wanted to for a while now, and I just realized, I do.” It was a healing thought, one that quickly overtook the remnants of the anger that had lingered in her all these years. The memory of the anguish she’d felt when it first happened still ached, perhaps it always would, but the anger was gone._

_Jasper’s eyes shone, and he looked down, still blinking. “I, um… Why?” he asked, sounding breathless. “Why would you do that? How could you do that?”_

_Bella considered this another moment before she reached out and took his hand. He jumped when she touched him, but he didn’t withdraw. She squeezed. “For a lot of reasons, but I think the biggest one is because you love Kaylee.”_

_There were definite tears in his eyes as he looked up, and he let out a shaky laugh. “Doesn’t that make things harder on you? Wouldn’t it be easier if I didn’t? If I wasn’t a threat because I do? I really do.”_

_“But that’s the thing, Jasper. You aren’t a threat_ because _you love her.” She let her hand slip from his and looked away as she spoke. “She’s such a sweetheart right now, so full of love, but Edward and I… we’re realistic people. One day she’s going to break our hearts. It’s a natural thing, you know? In my sociology class, my teacher called it the point where a kid breaks up with her parents. It happens, in some way, to all of us._

_“I’ve thought about it a lot. There will come that point when, like most teenagers, she’ll curse the fact Edward and I are her parents. And most teenagers, you know, there won’t be another option. They have the parents they have, and they’re stuck, better or worse. But Kaylee… Kaylee will know she has you, and maybe she’ll run to you because she’ll think, in that moment, that maybe everything that’s wrong in her life would be right if only you had been her daddy instead of Edward.”_

_Jasper shook his head. “She’s going to hate me,” he whispered. “When she knows… She’ll hate me.”_

_“Maybe. Probably not. But the point is, Jasper, is that she might run to you some day. She might break our hearts. The reason I forgive you is because I do trust you enough not to break hers. Me? I’ve made mistakes of my own; I made mistakes when we were together. I didn’t like you much, but I didn’t hate you when you left either. The only thing that could have made me hate you was if you broke Kaylee’s heart._ If _she ever runs to you, she’ll know she’s loved, which is more than a lot of kids get from their biological parents. And because you love her, when she realize we--Edward and I--are still her parents, you’ll let her go._

_Jasper pressed his lips together, still staring down at the ground. He took a shaky breath and rolled his eyes toward the ceiling as he wiped away the tear that had escaped. He looked back down at his hands, making small noises as though he was trying to talk but he couldn’t._

_Impulsively, Bella put her arms around him and drew him into a hug. He shuddered against her, but then he gripped her tight. “I’m sorry,” he said near her ear. “I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry for so much. You shouldn’t forgive me.”_

_“Too bad. I do.” She pulled back and gave him the same words he’d given her when she was an insecure teenager. “You_ are _worth it.”_

Edward twirled a lock of Bella’s hair around and around as he considered what she’d just told him. When he was quiet for too long, she raised her head to look at him. “Does it bother you that I forgave him? I didn’t know I was going to until I did it.”

 

Edward considered this for a long moment as he traced the bridge of her nose with the tip of his finger. “No, I don’t think it bothers me. He’s a part of you because he’s a part of your history.” He took a sharp breath. “And he’s a part of Kaylee. I can’t change that. I’ve always thought it was sad when ex’s can’t stand the sight of each other, so I’m glad you can find peace with that. It’s so chaotic when you have to see someone you hate all the time.”

 

She brushed her fingers down his cheek. “Speaking from experience?”

 

“I wish I could stop. I don’t know if it’s hate. It feels like it sometimes.” He sighed and twined their fingers together. She lay back down on his chest and he nuzzled the top of her head with his chin. “He’s my brother. Hating him takes a lot of energy, and it doesn’t make me feel good.

 

“Sometimes I wish things were more black and white. If he had always been an asshole this would be a no-brainer. If he’d done nothing but hurt me, us, all of us, then I could really hate him. Like it would be easier if it was… I don’t know. Purer?

 

“But he wasn’t an asshole a hundred percent of the time. Most of the time, he was a good big brother. Most of my memories of him are good. And that’s what makes me so damn pissed off. Like he… killed my big brother when he ran off. He took that guy away along with the guy who was undependable and erratic. And now, I think I can see that guy again… the good one. It all makes me so much madder because it’s scary. I can’t have the good guy, I can’t have my big brother without seeing the asshole he was when he was using. I want to believe he’s going to be the good guy again, but…”

 

“But it’s hard to trust again.”

 

He exhaled in a gust. “Yeah.” He pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “I want impossible things. I want my big brother back. I want to erase everything he did.” He stroked her hair back so he could kiss along her hairline. “I want to go back in time so I could be the one who met you first, so it was always us, just us. So he wasn’t a part of you. So there wasn’t this small part of me that knows I loved my big brother, and I still fell in love with you a long time before I should have. I want a reset so I can untangle all of this mess. So it’s easy. So it’s-”

 

“A fairytale?”

 

He chuckled, the tension draining from him. “Ah, Bella. Fairytales were fucked up before Disney got a hold of them.”

 

Pulling back, he shifted so he could tangle their legs together and take her face in her hands. He stared at her and smiled, so glad she was his. He loved her so much, and he told her so. “You know, part of it is that I resent feeling guilty. I want to say I wish none of this had ever happened to Jasper, to wish he’d never done drugs, never been so badly hurt that drugs were an escape. I want to say I wish he’d never gotten addicted and never messed up the way he did. I wish those things, but then, selfishly, I’m glad. Because all of that was why I met you. All of that was why I have Kaylee. And if I did have a reset button… God help me, I would let it all happen again if it meant I ended up here, with you in my arms, and Kaylee happy and asleep down the hall.” He moved his hand under the blanket and pressed his palm to her belly. “And this. I’m happy, Bella. I’m so happy.”

 

She wound her arms tight around him and kissed him soundly. “The reset button doesn’t exist, Edward. Life is what it is. You are who you are, and Jasper is who he is.”

 

He huffed. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change?”

  
She kissed the tip of his nose. “And the courage to change the things you can.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Well! As you can see, Bella and Edward started whispering to me, thus solving my problem about it being Edward’s chapter. Alice just hasn’t had time to book her plane ticket, that’s all!
> 
> Ahem. Anyway. Mega thanks to barburella and jessypt. Why is the weekend already over? Ugh. I have finals this week too…


	19. Alice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Here we go, kiddies!

“Jasper.” Carlisle’s voice was sharp--a tone Jaser hadn’t heard since he’d been a teenager. “Don’t snap at your mother. All we know about the years you spent away from us is that you came home scarred to high hell. We’re worried for you.”

 

Jasper slumped over the table, burying his head in his folded arms with a growl of frustration. He took calming breaths and counted to twenty before he straightened up. He stared at his folded hands on the tabletop. “Alice wasn’t a part of that. She was the one who found me bleeding to death in an alley in Philadelphia.”

 

“Oh,” Esme said with a soft gasp. “I… I didn’t realize you knew who called the paramedics.”

 

A small smile tugged at Jasper’s lips. “If it was anyone but Alice, I probably never would have known.” He clenched his fingers together as the ever-present shame that marked him like a brand on his soul turned the taste in his mouth to bile. “To tell you the truth, if it wasn’t for Alice, I wouldn’t be here in more ways than one.”

 

“When I woke up, after they told me everything wrong with me, they said the woman who saved my life was out in the waiting room. That was a revelation seeing as they’d just told me I’d been out for five days. The nurse said she came every day after work. Since I was in the ICU--family only--she just sat out there. The doctors and nurses couldn’t tell her anything. Technically they couldn’t even tell her if I was alive or dead, but she stayed anyway. I asked the nurse why, and he said they’d asked her the same question. She said she couldn’t stand the idea that no one was thinking of me, waiting for me to pull through.

 

“I, um…” Jasper began to run his thumb over his tense knuckles. His throat was tight as he considered his next words. Was he really about to tell his parents this?

 

But his therapist had encouraged him to be honest. He took a deep breath. “I was angry at her at first because I didn’t… I didn’t want to wake up.” He heard his mother’s breath catch, and he had to swallow hard to continue. “But good news. Some of the manners you taught me stuck. I figured she’d been waiting so long, the least I could do was let her come see for herself that I was still alive.”

 

He remembered he felt sorry for her. Not everyone got to say they’d saved someone’s life. She would be disappointed when she figured out just how worthless that life was.

 

“It’s hard to explain Alice,” he said. “I don’t really know how it happened. She came in and talked to me. She was so kind. It had been so long since someone had been nice to me. I think I’d forgotten what it was like.” For the first time, he raised his head to look across the table at his parents. “She made me miss you. Worse than usual, I mean.”

 

“We would have been there. Any time. It would have taken one phone call,” Esme said not for the first time.

 

Jasper bowed his head again. “I know, Mom.” He cleared his throat. “So she asked if she could come back. It seemed impolite to tell her no. I mean, she knew I was a junkie. If she wanted to spend her time babbling at me, who was I to say no? I’ve made much worse choices about what to do with my time.”

 

He closed his eyes, hating that he had to tell this part of the story. “Anyway, she ended up being there when they came in to talk to me about rehab. I wasn’t even paying attention. I… All I was thinking about was getting out of there so I could get high. I had no intention of going to rehab, but before I knew it, Alice was talking with the counselors about facilities and amenities.”

 

He shook his head. “Like I said, Alice is hard to explain. To this day I’m not really sure how she did it, but before I knew it, she had kind of bullied me into a rehab center. A good one.” His brow furrowed. “A spendy one she paid for.”

 

“She paid for your to go to rehab?” Carlisle asked.

 

“I told her more than once she was crazy. I told her everything. Everything I’d done. She told me…” Jasper touched a hand to his chest and pressed down hard. He remembered exactly how her words had felt, how they’d made him ache and want, just want what he had long before convinced himself he couldn’t have. “She said I could go home. She said it was going to suck, but I could earn it.”

 

“You always could come home. You never had to earn it,” Esme said.

 

Jasper raised his head. “Yes I did,” he said, his voice quiet. “I still do.”

 

Esme reached across the table to take his hands. Carlisle leaned forward and put his hands over both of theirs. “It sounds like we owe this woman much more than our thanks. You should invite her to stay here.”

 

Jasper was already shaking his head. “No. She’s fine. She already booked a room.”

 

“But there’s no need,” Esme said. “We have more than enough room, and--”

 

“Mom, please. Just go with me on this one.” He didn’t want to have to step around that mine-field. He loved his parents, and he owed them honesty, but it would only hurt them if they knew just how desperate he was for a little space.

 

They seemed dubious, but they dropped the subject. “At least bring her to meet us,” Esme said. “Or we can all go out. Whatever makes her more comfortable.”

 

“Yeah. That’s fine. She wants to meet you.”

**~0~**

After work the day Alice’s flight was to come in, Jasper took the bus to the airport. He dozed in the arrival area until his nerves got the better of him. Then he began to tug at his hair and run his fingers over the stubble on his chin. He tugged at the clean shirt he’d changed into after work. It was a button down shirt, and Jasper wondered how stupid it was that he wanted to look good for this woman.

 

Alice had seen him at his worst, at his lowest. She’d visited him in the clinic. Of course she did because she was a crazy person. In those early days, he’d been a monster: moody and angry and not overly concerned with hygiene. He’d been nothing but sallow, scarred skin and a shitty disposition. And of course, she’d seen him covered in blood, in clothes he hadn’t changed in who even knew how long.

 

Who did he think he was kidding? “Polishing a turd,” he muttered to himself, fingering the buttons of his shirt. He ran a hand through his hair, laughing at himself inwardly so as not to scare the people around him.

 

He knew damn well he liked Alice.

 

Lying half dead in the hospital, his every thought focused on when and how he could get his next hit, Jasper still wasn’t oblivious to how attractive Alice was when she walked into his room.  Then she opened her mouth, and everything about her had only enticed him more. She was beautiful and far too kind and funny and fiery.

 

Was it any wonder his general attraction had turned into a full blown crush?

 

For the most part, Jasper had done his best to ignore the quiet voice that whispered to him, spinning tall tales about what it might be like to hold her, to kiss her, to have her. They were sweet daydreams, but he knew the difference between fantasy and reality. Alice was so far out of his league, he’d need the Hubble telescope just to see her.

 

At this point in his recovery, a relationship should have been the last thing on his mind. Dealing with his own life was stressful enough without adding the complications of romance to the mix. And even if it was possible, it wasn’t fair. He had nothing to offer. He was a thirty-one-year-old recovering drug addict who lived with his parents and worked at a convenience store.

 

Jasper shook that thought off before the heaviness could settle on his shoulders. Today was supposed to be a good day. He didn’t need to ruin it feeling sorry for himself.

 

Besides, more than likely his advanced attraction was based on appreciation more than anything. That and the fact it had been a long time since he’d been with anyone he was attracted to. Sex and drugs went together naturally. It was almost perfunctory--expected depending on the set up. But sex with someone he wanted--that was a whole different universe.

 

Jasper glanced up at the arrival/departure board to distract himself. He started when he saw Alice’s flight was no longer listed as “On Time.” It had flipped to “At Gate.” He sat up straight and again tugged at his hair.

 

Another ten minutes passed. Jasper kept his eyes trained on the escalator. He saw a myriad of people, but none of them were Alice. He even craned his neck to see behind some of the larger, broader folks--Alice was a tiny thing--but no, she wasn’t there. Still, as each person passed his eagerness mounted. His heart pounded an excited rhythm, and his lips kept curling up at one corner.

 

Five more minutes passed like hours, but finally she was there. They spotted each other when she was still toward the top of the escalator. She grinned, and the whole airport seemed to light up. Jasper was drawn to his feet like a puppet on a string. He stepped forward, fighting the urge to sweep her off her feet.

 

He shouldn’t have bothered. As soon as she was at the bottom of the escalator, she darted and leapt at him, over-sized handbag and all.

 

Jasper wanted to swing her around, but he settled on swaying them, lingering a few seconds more than was probably appropriate. Finally, he set her down and stepped back, grinning at her. “I’m glad you’re here.”

 

“I’m glad I’m here too.” Her smile was soft, and she reached over to thread her arm through his. She’d never had a problem touching him. “Come on. Let’s get my luggage and blow this popsicle stand.”

**~0~**

Alice rented a car, and then she insisted Jasper take her to do all the touristy things Seattle had to offer. She got distracted almost immediately at Pike’s Place Market. Once she set foot in there, the whole morning was lost as she scoured each and every eclectic jewelry and clothing store. Seattle in general and Pike’s Place in particular was a creative heart’s paradise, and Alice was a sucker for a unique look.

 

Once, when she got wrapped up in an intensely boring conversation about fabrics and patterns, Jasper wandered away on his own. When he came back, she had another new bag and the designer she’d been talking to was on cloud nine. Jasper had to smile. Alice had that effect on people.

 

“There you are,” she said, threading their arms together again. “I have to tell you, you are a lousy host.”

 

“Oh?”

 

“I am starving. I have been really, really hungry for at least an hour.”

 

“Well, goodness gracious.” Jasper took a look around them as they strolled past vendor after vendor of various fragrant foods. “I don’t think there’s a good place to eat in miles.”

 

She laughed. “You think they can cook up some of that chocolate pasta here and now?”

 

“Where’s your sense of adventure? We should eat it raw. Or you can take my advice and try what is, without a doubt, the best fish sandwich on the planet.”

 

“Now that’s quite a claim.” She pretended to consider. “Well, since I can’t have the chocolate pasta, I might as well try this best fish sandwich.”

 

He led her over to the right stand. They sat at the bar and she let him order for her, since he was the expert, she said.

 

When they were served, he watched her take the first bite, and when she moaned in bliss, he grinned. “What’d I tell you?”

 

“This is good.”

 

“No, this is the best.”

 

“Well, in order to bestow that title, I’d have to try every fish sandwich in existence.” She reckoned on her fingers. “So far, I’ve had McDonald’s and now this.” She took another big bite of her sandwich and considered it. “It’s going to be a long, fishy life.”

 

Jasper chuckled, dragging a fry through ketchup. “Ah, well. I might be biased. There’s a lot of nostalgia that goes into my feelings here.”

 

She arched an eyebrow. “You get nostalgic over a fish sandwich.”

 

“This fish sandwich… well, not this particular one, but you get the idea… got me laid on more than one occasion.”

 

She tilted her head, giving him a look, and he backtracked quickly. “I’m not… That’s not what I’m trying to do now. Uh. I’m just saying. I had some good times that started right here.”

 

“Are we not having a good time?”

 

“We are. I mean, I am, I mean--”

 

Alice laughed. “You’re too easy.” She bumped his side with hers. “It’s just me, Jasper.”

 

He laughed nervously and ran a hand through his hair. “Sorry. I, um…” It was just Alice. He could say anything to Alice. “I’m just so used to defending myself, you know? For everything. Like when I wandered away from you earlier? I kept track of exactly where I’d been so I could tell you in detail if you asked. And if you were my parents, you would have.”

 

She squeezed his hand, and he felt better in an instant. “So,” she said, seguing into another topic easily. “I have to ask you how you got around the very obvious flaw in your plan.”

 

“What’s that?”

 

“This is a fish sandwich.”

 

“You’re very observant.”

 

“I’m just saying. You’re giving yourself and your date fish breath. Who kisses with fish breath? I mean, even if you went for it, you’d be thinking about it instead of the kiss throughout the whole thing.”

 

He shook his head. “Ah, but see, that’s what got me the killer line.”

 

“There’s a killer line that overcomes fish breath?”

 

“Mmhmm. See, I’d go in for the kiss, and she would pull away, right? Say exactly what you said, all shy and adorable.” He turned in his seat and looked her right in the eyes, put on his sexiest grin. “And I’d say, baby, you had that sandwich, and it was delicious, wasn’t it?” He leaned closer out of old habit. “But that’s nothing compared to how it’ll taste from your sweet lips.”

 

He heard her soft intake of breath, and then he realized how close they were to each other. There was no way he should be this close to her, and he was going to move. He was going to move right--

 

Alice surged forward, closing the last scant inch between them, and pressed her lips to his.

 

Jasper gasped. For two seconds that lasted lifetimes, he froze, unable to make himself believe this was his life. Then he cupped her cheek and kissed her back.

 

Ten seconds. If every hardship in his life, every struggle he’d been going through since he’d stopped using drugs to cover up the emotions that made him feel like dying, led up those ten seconds, it was worth it. For ten seconds, his life was perfect.

 

They parted and Jasper’s heart was beating so fast, he could hardly breathe. He licked his lips, already missing the taste of her. His thoughts were scrambled. “Uh, I uh… I got you something. When I was gone. I got you something.” He looked down at his lap, fumbling in his pocket. “It’s… It kind of makes it look like I planned all this, but I swear I didn’t. I saw it, and I wanted you to have it.”

 

He was being the antithesis of smooth, but he couldn’t seem to make himself shut the fuck up. He huffed and pressed the small bag into her hand. He looked up, nervous. “I swear I didn’t plan it.”

 

She smiled and reached up to brush his cheek gently. “I know you didn’t. I didn’t either.” Her eyes lingered on his for another moment before she looked down at the bag he’d given her.

 

Jasper pressed his lips together tightly to make himself stop spewing nonsense as she pulled out the necklace he’d bought. It was made from old typewriter parts, the largest being the round, brass A key. Her eyes lit up as she looked up at him with a grin. “This is amazing. I don’t know how to thank you.”

 

He huffed and rolled his eyes. “Alice, give me a break. I could do something for you once an hour every hour every day for the rest of my life and I’d never come close to repaying you for what you’ve done for me.”

 

She cocked her head, studying him for a moment. “Is that why you bought this?”

 

“No. I got it because it reminded me of you, and I wanted you to have it.” He reached out to cradle his soda to quell the urge he had to touch her again, to kiss her again. He had no idea what they were doing now. “I’m just saying, you never have to thank me. Not you.”

 

She pressed a hand to the back of his neck, pulling him down for another kiss. She smiled when she pulled back. “Thank you.”

 

His lips quirked up.

 

Alice clapped her hands together to brush the crumbs off. “Well, on to the next adventure.” She rummaged through her bag and pulled out a book. “One of the vendors here sells this. It’s written by his daughter.” She waved it excitedly.

 

“Ghosts of the Pike Place Market,” he read.

 

“Yes.” She slid off her stool and took his hand instead of his arm. “Let’s go find them.”

 

He had to be smiling like a complete moron. He had no idea what was happening, and there was some tiny part of him that was screaming this was a bad, bad, bad idea. No way could he have this.  No way. He tightened his fingers around her. “Ghost hunters Seattle. let’s do this.”

 

Really, he’d made much worse decisions. This one wasn’t even illegal.

  
And, at least for now, it felt better than any high ever had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So that’s Alice. We’re back in Edward’s head next chappy! Many thanks to jessypt, barburella, and my lovely jfka06.   
> Annnnd on a personal note… I’ve just released the first two chapters of my original fiction book, One To Tell The Grandkids, on my website, KristinaMSanchez dot com. You can find a link in my profile if you’re interested.  
> Oh, and on another note. If you guys aren’t reading What She Deserves by geekchickff, you’re missing out. Gorgeous, gorgeous angsty story.  
> Thanks for everything, guys. See you on the flipside.


	20. Save the Bees

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Mew! That is all.

“Are you buying this?” Edward sat by Rosalie because he was sure she would be on the same page. No one else was, but Rosalie could be trusted with this kind of thing.

 

His sister-in-law raised an eyebrow. “Buying what?” She looked across the room to where Alice and Esme were talking as though they were old friends. “The great savior appearing out of nowhere?”

 

Edward snorted. “Exactly. It’s a tall tale.”

 

Rosalie hummed, but she didn’t speak right away. “I don’t trust her.”

 

Now it was Edward’s turn to quirk an eyebrow at her tone. “But?”

 

She sighed. “Jasper is a good liar. We all have cause to know that, but the thing about his lies was they were seamless. He’s such a good liar that it seemed crazier not to believe him. You’re right. This sounds like a tall-tale.” She frowned. “And that’s why it’s more likely to be the truth.”

 

Edward grunted, turning that over in his head. He watched as Alice reached over to touch Bella’s arm and then whisper something in her ear. Bella grinned and laughed.

 

In the meantime, Jasper and Emmett were tramping through Carlisle and Esme’s damp backyard with the kids. They were all armed with nerf weapons of some kind. Edward huffed as he watched Vera try to climb Jasper like a jungle gym. He reached down, pulling her up and propping her at his side. He made a throwing motion and pointed at Emmett. Vera obediently hurled her nerf ball at her father and gave a gleeful squeal when it hit its target. “She’s warmed up to him,” Edward said to Rosalie, watching Jasper and Vera exchange a high five.

 

“Yeah, well. Kids are easy. She saw how much fun he was having with Henry, and she wanted in on that action. Hold a kid upside down by their ankles, and they’ll love you forever.”

 

“What about you?”

 

“You mean where does Jasper stand with me?” She scoffed. “He’s like the bee buzzing around the family picnic. You don’t want to swat him just for daring to be in the same place as you are, but he has a stinger and he keeps flying near everyone you love.”

 

“Bees only get to use their sting once. Then they die.”

 

One of the kids let out a screech as Jasper dove at Emmett, sending him tumbling to the damp grass. They wrestled, trading insults as though they were preteens again and not adults in their thirties. Rosalie shook her head. “Sometimes it’s too easy to pretend the whole thing never happened.”

 

Edward’s throat closed off as he watched Kaylee wrestle her way between her uncles to join in the fun. “Not for me.”

 

Rosalie gave him an apologetic look. “I’m just saying, I know Emmett is right in a way. Jasper isn’t all the bad things. Jasper was the one I called, you know. Back in high school when it happened.” She took a shuddering breath, her expression far away. “When I couldn’t talk to anyone else, I could talk to him. I don’t know why. He made it easy when it was impossible with everyone else. The high school love of my life raped me, and I didn’t know what to feel besides guilt. He helped me through all that bullshit. He was always good with fucked up people, and I haven’t forgotten that.

 

“But the fucked up thing about that is Jasper was also right.”

 

Edward cocked an eyebrow, waiting for her to elaborate. She’d wrapped her arms around herself, her shoulders hunched inward. “When it happened, my parents didn’t believe me. You know, Royce ripped my soul apart, but that almost killed me. Until Jasper convinced me I didn’t have to keep poisonous people in my life even if they’re family. Even if I love them.

 

“That’s what it feels like a lot of the time: poison. I look at him and I remember how bad it got, and I’m angry. I’m so fucking angry every time I see him.”

 

A small, sad smile tugged at her lips, and Edward followed her gaze to see Emmett helping Jasper to his feet. He pulled his stepbrother up into a backslapping hug, and they both grinned. Rosalie made a disgruntled noise. “See? It’s not easy. I keep trying to hate him, but he makes my husband really happy. And your parents. They’re worried. Sometimes they all dance around each other like they were walking on eggshells, but there’s this sense of peace that was just missing before.

 

“So, I don’t know, Edward. Long story really short, I don’t know what to think about Jasper anymore. I know I’m still angry. I know I don’t trust him not to fuck it all up again. And I definitely don’t trust anyone he considers a friend.” Rosalie shrugged. “But I’ll tell you one thing, that girl is in love with your brother.”

 

At that, Edward sat up straight. “What?”

 

“Stop trying to look at her as a potential junkie--though I know it’s tempting, she’s unique, that one--and start looking at her as a normal human being. It’s pretty obvious. And he’s into her too. They’ve got that whole magnets-being-held-back thing going on. You know, like you and Bella when she was still with him.” She rolled her eyes. “You two were the worst. My God. If you were in the same room together, it was all longing looks. Then you would somehow find yourself getting closer and closer until one of you got self-conscious and made yourself pull back.”

 

Edward’s cheeks flamed. “We didn’t-”

 

“Oh, yes you did.” She pointed surreptitiously at Jasper as he walked back into the house. “Watch.”

 

Edward watched as Jasper wandered into the kitchen. He walked first toward the fridge, and Edward had to tell himself he was just imagining things now that Rosalie had put ideas in his head. But no. As he watched Jasper take a long drink of a bottle of water, it became obvious he was listening to the conversation going on at the table. He closed the fridge door, his head tilted in their direction. After a few seconds, he wandered over and sat down. Directly opposite Alice though the closest seat was to Esme’s right. Another five seconds and he was leaning on his elbows on the table, obviously listening to every word Alice said. And though she had been sitting back in her chair to that point, Alice shifted so she too was leaning on the table, her hand dangerously close to Jasper, though she kept her attention on Esme.

 

“Oh, hell,” Edward said under his breath. He looked back to his sister-in-law. “Bella and I were worse?”

 

“Disgusting. Cute but disgusting.” Rosalie playfully elbowed him in the side. “For what it’s worth, I always shipped you two even when I wasn’t supposed to. But anyway, I’m just saying. If you’re trying to figure out why she helped out a stupid stranger junkie… love at first sight works as well as anything. Not saying I buy it, but there’s that remote possibility.”

 

“What is it with you people that you can’t grasp the concept a good reason to save a man’s life is because it’s the right thing to do?”

 

Edward and Rosalie both jumped and looked up to find Alice staring at them. Her arms were crossed but her expression and tone were more amused than anything.

 

Rosalie’s easy expression faded away in an instant. She stood in that regal way of hers, never dropping Alice’s gaze, and smiled with saccharine sweetness. “I think it’s time for Vera’s nap,” Rosalie said and walked away without a second glance.

 

Alice watched her go but after a moment, she turned back and, to Edward’s surprise, plopped down next to him on the couch. “Look, I’m not a really big fan of playing nice when you know people are talking behind your back. I’m a straight-talk kind of girl. So here I am. Ask me what you want to, and I’ll answer you honestly.”

 

“You’re blunt, aren’t you?” Edward asked, amused in spite of himself.

 

“That’s what I just said, isn’t it?” She smiled at him and waved a hand.

 

Edward considered for a moment, but she was right. He wanted answers. “I understand why you saved him. And thank you for that. Honestly.”

 

Her expression softened an iota, and she nodded. “You’re welcome.”

 

“A lot of people would have helped him when he was a stranger bleeding to death in an alley.” Edward shivered. He didn’t like to think of his brother that way. “From what you said earlier, your job and all that, you’re not rich.”

 

“No. I’m not rich.”

 

“Then maybe you can explain to me how a not-rich person affords a clinic for a complete stranger.” People didn’t just do that. There was a lie here somewhere, and Edward was going to find it.

 

Alice screwed her lips up to one side, looking slightly abashed as she thought over her answer. “There are three trips I want to take. All of them are overseas so you know how much money that is.”

 

Edward’s eyebrows arched for his hairline. “You’re telling me you spent the trip money you’d been saving up on a stupid homeless drug addict?”

 

Her eyes narrowed. “That is a hell of a way to talk about your brother.”

 

“He’s my brother. If it had been me in that hospital room, pissed or not I would have helped him. What was he to you?”

 

“At the time? Nothing. It’s hard to explain.” She tapped her chin, thinking. “You ever read Chuck Palahniuk? He wrote Fight Club.”

 

“Yeah, I know him.”

 

“Well, in Choke, one of the things the main character does for money is he pretends to choke on something at a restaurant specifically so people will save him. And this makes him money because the person who saved him feels responsible for him. So when they keep in touch after the saving, the guy drops in an innocent line here and there about how he’s broke or he needs this or needs that. The savior sends the money.”

 

“You’re comparing Jasper to the guy who swindles people out of their money?”

 

“No.” She sounded exasperated. “I’m comparing myself to the ordinary people who thought they saved a life.” She shook her head, and her expression became guarded, her shoulders hunched. She looked like Rosalie had when she talked of her rape. “I’ll bottom line it for you. Yes, there are places I want to go and things I want to see, but I live a very solitary life. There are a lot of reasons for that. The thing about those trips is… I want to go, but I want to be able to share it with someone, and I have no one.

 

“So again, I don’t really know how to explain it. No one is just one thing. The worst people aren’t just one thing. It’s probably easy to say it’s pointless to waste money on a stupid drug addict, as you put it. Thing is, in practice, stupid drug addicts are a little more complex than all that.” She nodded in Jasper’s direction, and Edward didn’t miss the way his brother paused in his conversation with Carlisle to smile at Alice. “Just a guy who didn’t know how to get back home. So I took a chance. I took a chance on both of you.”

 

“Both of us?”

 

“I took a chance on him that he would get better. Beating addiction isn’t easy. I’m not an idiot. And I took a chance on you, your family, that you would take him back. Not every family would have.” Something flashed in her eyes and she looked away. “Mine wouldn’t have.”

 

“Well that’s stupid. Family should be unconditional. You should always be able to come home.”

 

Alice raised her head and fixed him with a pointed look. “This from the guy with the charming monologue the first night he came back? What was my favorite part? ‘Fuck you for coming back. You could have had the courtesy to die alone in an alley with a needle in your arm.’"

 

Edward winced and he crossed his arms. “He told you that.” He shook his head, defensive. “I was angry.”

 

“I’m not judging you. You were angry, and you were cruel.” Edward opened his mouth to argue, but she talked over him. “The fact your anger was justified doesn’t make your cruelty right. Understandable, yes. I’m not judging you,” she repeated, more emphatically this time. “But the thing is, whatever Jasper did to you and your family, it doesn’t mean he gave up his right to feel. Yes, he tells me most things. He’s got to talk to someone, and it can’t be any of you. You and your family are the only people left who can hurt him.”

 

Edward gritted his teeth, angry though he couldn’t put his finger on why. “You think you can’t? You got him dependent on you. You think you won’t hurt him when you get sick of this Florence Nightingale routine and wander back out of his life?”

 

To his surprise, Alice laughed. “Edward Cullen, are you being protective?”

 

Irritated by her blasé attitude, Edward stood and glared down at her. “I’m not a child. Maybe I haven’t seen the things he’s seen or that you’ve probably seen, but I’m not an idiot. Something that looks too good to be true usually is. So I’m waiting for the catch. I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. Jasper’s come so far, and I want to believe he’s better. I want to believe he won’t be the guy who was even capable of doing what he did to this family ever again. I don’t want to lose my brother. I don’t trust you not to hurt him, not to be the one who drags him back over, and I don’t trust him to be strong enough to resist.”

 

He walked away then, fuming and generally just needing to be out of there. He headed for the stairs and sprinted up them to hide in his childhood bedroom. He lay on top of his bed for a long time, his jaw clenched so hard it ached. Memories, Alice’s words, and Edward’s own fears and doubts flitted across his thoughts, none of them settling into anything rational.

 

He thought of Emmett and Jasper wrestling, of the brotherly camaraderie that Emmett made look easy. There was a twist in his gut that took Edward a while to figure out was jealousy. He was jealous that Emmett got to be Jasper’s brother. Just his brother--that special brand of friend that was only meant for siblings, adopted or not.

 

So many of Edward’s memories of this room, this house, were of Jasper. He’d revered both his elder brothers, but Jasper had been more patient than Emmett. Where Emmett had teased him when he was scared of the dark, Jasper was the one who climbed into his bed so he could fall asleep feeling protected. Oh, like any big brother, there were times when Edward irritated the hell out of him, but Jasper had adored him once.

 

There were other memories.It wasn’t anything concrete, but now that Edward thought back, he seemed to recall a heaviness to the atmosphere whenever Jasper came home from a visit with his father. He was always quieter. Different. Edward remembered he didn’t understand, and he would bug Jasper until he agreed to play. If he could play, everything was fine.

 

Edward had only been a little boy, so he didn’t blame himself for not recognizing Jasper needed someone to talk to then. Still, he wondered if things could have been different.

 

It didn’t matter now. The past couldn’t be changed.

 

Alice was right about one thing. Edward and the rest of the family were huge stressors for Jasper. He wasn’t so blinded by his own anger that he couldn’t see that. And Alice was right about the fact Jasper deserved the chance to express his emotions, and it couldn’t be with them.

 

But if Alice turned out to be bad news, if something went wrong, who would Jasper have to turn to then?

 

Edward was interrupted from his thoughts by the bedroom door opening. He looked up and smiled when Bella walked in. She smiled back, closed the door behind her, and got in bed with him without a word. He hooked his leg over hers and pulled her close, brushing her nose with his.

 

“If you want to make out, we’re going to have to be quiet. Your parents are going to be pissed if they find you snuck a girl into your room,” Bella whispered.

 

Edward snickered, the last of his anxiety easing as he pressed his lips to hers.

 

“Dinner’s ready,” she said between kisses. The words vibrated on his lips.

 

He hummed and kissed her again. For a few minutes, she let him, then she smacked his arm. “Come on, Cullen. Your demon spawn is finally letting me eat. We have to get downstairs before I chew your face off.”

 

“Demon spawn, hmm?” He snaked his hand beneath her shirt and pressed his palm to the taut little ball of her abdomen. He stroked his thumb over it wonderingly. “Ah, Bella. I’d give you anything, but it would be a shame to let you chew off this particular face.” He pointed to himself and smirked.

 

Bella rolled her eyes and got up, tugging at him up with her. “If this kid has anywhere near your ego, I’m so screwed.”

**~0~**

Edward surprised everyone a few days later by offering up his car so Jasper could take Alice to the airport. Bella was at work, and Jacob had taken Kaylee to the park when Jasper came back.

 

It was immediately obvious that Jasper was sad as he got out of the car, but he made an attempt at a smile as he handed the keys back to Edward. “Thanks.”

 

“Not a big deal.” Edward bit the inside of his cheek, wishing this wasn’t so damn awkward. “Mom was about to volunteer to drive you. I thought you might want a little more privacy than that.”

 

Jasper’s head shot up, and his expression cautious but his cheeks pink with a slight blush. “I, uh… Yeah. Mom always has a lot of questions.”

 

“Yeah. I bet she would have had a bunch of questions when you kissed Alice goodbye.”

 

Jasper’s eyes widened and he took a step back. “How the… Why… Who?”

 

Edward had to grin, and then, that felt so good his grin turned into a full blown chuckle. “You like her,” he said with a teasing tone though he knew he must have sounded like a junior high school kid.

 

Jasper ducked his head, but not before Edward caught the small smile. “Yeah, well.” He shrugged.

 

“She likes you,” Edward said, not asking.

 

“No accounting for taste, I guess.”

 

With that admission, some of the humor drained from the situation, and Edward found himself worrying again.“So what, are you adding a long-distance relationship to your list of stresses?”

 

Jasper blinked at him, looking so baffled it should have been funny, but Edward couldn’t blame him. There was a surreal feel to this whole conversation. Edward couldn’t remember the last time they’d spoken like this, as brothers might. Maybe the night Jasper told him Bella was pregnant. “Do you really care?” Jasper asked.

 

Edward considered that. He huffed out a breath, looking anywhere but at his brother. “Yeah, I care.”

 

“Why the hell would you care about my love life?”

 

“I don’t actually care about your love life. I care about you.” Edward rubbed the back of his neck. “You just...you have a lot to deal with as it is; that’s all.” He cut off, feeling more lame than he ever had.

 

Jasper suddenly pulled him in and gave him a gentle noogie as he laughed. Edward shoved him backward and ran his fingers through his hair, irritated, but not really. Jasper offered a tentative smile. “I’d say you don’t have to worry about me, but that’s a pretty stupid thing to say, all things considered.” He shifted his weight. “I don’t know what we’re doing, if you want to know the truth. I don’t think you can call it a long-distance relationship, because we haven’t talked about it like that. She’s doing her thing, and I’m doing mine, and yeah, whatever, we like each other. This is like one of those normal things, right? Like yeah, it could blow up in my face, but unlike the other things I’ve done, it can’t kill me, or get me arrested, or permanently alter my brain chemistry.”

 

Edward huffed. “I don’t know about it not permanently altering brain chemistry.”

 

“Hah, well. You have a point there.”

 

Edward shifted his weight. “Anyway.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I’ll take you home.”

 

They were mostly silent on the short car ride to their parents’ house. Jasper thanked Edward again and got out, but before he could walk away, Edward called his name. “Um. How about lunch? On Wednesday?” he asked, when his brother turned back.

 

Jasper’s eyebrows quirked, but he managed to keep the shocked look from his face this time. “Yeah. Oh, wait. Fuck. No. I have an interview.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah. A non-graveyard shift type job above minimum wage. How ‘bout them apples?”

 

“Awesome. I can drive you if you want, and we can go eat afterward.”

  
Jasper smiled. “Yeah. I’d like that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Many thanks to songster and barburella. My friends are made of ossim.
> 
> SO. I’m thinking just a few more chapters left to go… we’ll see. I have some plans, but these fuckers always do whatever the hell they want, so who knows.


	21. Spiral

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Below in the text, you will find words I stole directly from someone else. They are marked in itals, and they are stolen directly because I think they are important and utterly perfect words for anyone who’s had to recover from any sort of mental illness or come back from a monumental mistake. When I read those words, I breathed a little easier, and I want to spread them on.
> 
> In my text, Alice says them, but I want to repeat THESE ARE NOT MY WORDS. They are taken from a wonderful tumblr blog called finding my recovery, and they can be found at findingmyrecovery dot tumblr dot com. I encourage anyone to follow her. We all need to see more positive things come across our dash instead of all the judgment and nastiness. Even if you have no idea what it’s like to recover from a mental illness, we can all use a pick-me-up, eh?

“See you, Mom.”

 

“Have a good time, honey.”

 

Jasper paused on the stoop, processing what had just happened almost a minute too late. A slow grin spread across his cheeks, and he raced back inside. He picked up his mother from where she was bent over the table, her plans spread out in front of her. She squeaked as he spun her around.

 

“Jasper, what on earth has gotten into you?” she asked when he set her down.

 

He kissed her cheek. “Nothing. See you later, Mom. I love you.”

 

Every time Laurent had arrived to pick him up or Jasper ventured out to meet him somewhere, his mother had at least a thousand questions about where they would be and how long he expected to be out. Even when there were no more questions to ask she still had that look on her face like she was disappointed in him for continuing to choose going out with Laurent over being safe at home.

 

She had forgotten to worry about him today. Maybe it had nothing to do with the fact she was slowly coming to trust Jasper again and everything to do with how absorbed she was in finishing her work project. Whatever the case, he was always grateful for a glimpse of normalcy. He was always grateful when he could forget he was an addict for five minutes, ten minutes, even a few seconds here and there.

 

“You’re in a good mood this evening,” Laurent said as Jasper got in the car.

 

“I am in a good mood,” Jasper said, buckling up. “I’ve almost got enough saved up for a decent car. I might get weekends off pretty soon here.” His smile softened. “I have a pretty gal coming to visit me in another week, and for reasons defying rationality, she likes me. She really likes me. And that same weekend I’m going to turn thirty-two. Thirty-two with a roof over my head, food in my belly, and a warm, soft bed to crawl into at night. That may not seem like much to most people, but fuck it. By all rights, I should be almost two years dead in the ground by now.”

 

Laurent chuckled and raised an imaginary glass. “I’ll drink to that,” he said.

 

Jasper tilted his own imaginary glass. “Well. I won’t.”

**~0~**

Laurent hadn’t been joking when he said he would drink. Jasper knew this about his friend, of course. He didn’t take the straight and narrow path Jasper had. He drank on occasion. Jasper didn’t approve, but it wasn’t his place to dictate how Laurent went about his life.

 

That night, though, an uncomfortable feeling began to creep up Jasper’s spine when Laurent said they were going to a party.

 

“It’s been a couple months since we got together, man,” Jasper said, trying to ease his way out of the situation. “I thought it would be just us.”

 

“That’s half the problem, isn’t it? You’ve said yourself you want to meet more people. Well, here’s your chance.” Laurent flashed him a grin. “I can’t blame you for wanting me all to yourself, man, but I’m taken.”

 

Jasper rolled his eyes and looked out the window. “You know what I mean.”

 

“Yeah. I know. Don’t worry so much. They’re good people I’m taking you to.”

 

At that, Jasper resigned himself to the idea of a party. Doubtless there would be alcohol, but he could deal with that. And Laurent was right. He did want to meet new people. He was beginning to become closer with a few people at work, but one could never have too many friends, right?

 

They drove into one of Seattle’s higher class neighborhoods. Jasper whistled as they drove down a street lined with mansions he thought only existed in L.A. “Where the hell are we going?”

 

Laurent spared him a sideways glance and waggled his eyebrows. “I have friends in high places these days. This is actually the CEO of my company’s house. He’s got twin kids who are our age. Big wigs in the company. Nepotism of course, but I can’t complain about that, can I? Not with how I got my job. Anyway, I’m in the employee parking lot headed toward my car when I see another of the bigwigs, Felix, doing this whole pacing thing in front of this beat up Chevy, right? He’s prowling back and forth like a caged tiger, tugging at his hair, looking at his cell phone. And I hear him make a call. I gathered that he’d been having some torrid love afraid with one of the guy’s in Accounts Payable and it had gone sour. The guy locked up some huge presentation in his car. Mr. Scarpinato, aforementioned CEO of Volturi Industries, was going to have Felix’s ass.

 

“Course no amount of pleading or threatening is getting this guy to budge, and he just sounded so desperate. You should see this guy, Jazz. He’s maybe bigger than Emmett. I seriously thought he was going to cry.”

 

Jasper chuckled. “Okay. So what did you do?”

 

Laurent’s lips tugged down at the corners briefly before he brightened again. “Well, it’s no secret from you that I have a set of particular skills I picked up from my time with James. I went over and opened the car for him.”

 

“Risky, isn’t it? I mean, it begs the question.”

 

“It did beg the question, but luckily for me, Felix thought my adventures in grand theft auto, among other things, were hilarious. In any event, he brought me before the wonder twins and before you know it, I had a golden ticket.” By then, he’d pulled up into a ridiculously long driveway already brimming with cars. “Come on. You’re going to love the place.”

 

Jasper brushed at his jeans. “I feel underdressed.”

 

“Don’t. No fancy pants here. Well. Designer jeans, I’m sure, but we’ll be fine.”

 

It wasn’t bad at first. Jasper, guilty by association with Laurent, was prodded into telling the sordid tale about where his scars came from. As Laurent promised, he was met not with derision but with a bizarre kind of acceptance. It was a condescending variation--it seemed like they found the story of his life an amusing anecdote--but it was acceptance nonetheless. Though he couldn’t say he genuinely liked anyone right off the bat, they were friendly enough. Jasper began to relax.

 

Everyone was drinking, but that didn’t really bother Jasper. They tried to wheedle him into a drink, but they got bored of that soon enough. It was only when Jasper began kicking ass and taking names at poker that things got a little more tense.

 

“It’s cheating,” Felix said. He poured a liberal amount of whiskey in a tumbler and shoved it at Jasper. “Come on, tough guy. You gotta keep up with us or you got the advantage, dontcha.”

 

Jasper put his cards down and shoved his chips--they weren’t even playing for anything--to the center. “Where’s the restroom?” he asked, his smile even.

 

He made his escape and took his time meandering to the bathroom. When he came back out, he took a wrong turn and ended up in a part of the house he hadn’t seen before--not difficult considering he hadn’t exactly been given a tour. But what he saw had him pulling up short.

 

Jane Scarpinato sat with a friend Jasper vaguely remembered had been introduced as Heidi. Jane was bent over the table in front of her, doing a line of what had to be coke But Heidi…

 

Heidi had heroin.

 

Jasper found he couldn’t move his feet. His eyes were riveted. He’d walked in just as Heidi pushed the needle into her vein. The visceral memory that hit him seized his body and mind. He saw the exact moment the rush hit Heidi, and he rode the high with her. He remembered perfectly the way it hit, like a bomb going off at the center of his chest, but instead of spreading fire and destruction it spread warmth and sense of tranquility. It was a selective kind of fire that obliterated only the things you didn’t want in the first place: stress, anxiety, worry, sadness. All of it slipped away, leaving only peace in its wake. That was the beginning of the problem with heroin. It was what Jasper thought normal should feel like.

 

His throat went dry with need. There wasn’t a rational thought in his body, just a knowledge of what he felt versus what he could be feeling. Desperation crept up his spine, and he took a step forward. He remembered at the last second he shouldn’t, though he couldn’t, in that moment, remember why. It was enough to freeze him in place again, but that was the limit of his willpower. He couldn’t run. He couldn’t turn. He couldn’t take his eyes off the beautiful sight in front of him.

 

“Oh, we’re caught.” Jane wiped at her nose and giggled, a giddy sound. “We started the party a little early, but poker is so boring. You should join us though. You know we have the good stuff.”

 

Jasper’s eyes darted to Jane, and she patted the couch beside her. He swallowed once, twice. His mouth was too dry to speak. His eyes drifted back to Heidi’s side of the table.

 

“Oh. You want this, don’t you?” Heidi asked.

 

She had everything he would need, all the equipment. It was ready. It wouldn’t take anything. She fixed a hit as he watched and held the needle out toward him, taking away even that small hurdle. “Come on. It’s okay. We know how to share.” Her voice was low and seductive, but that hardly mattered. Jasper didn’t need the extra incentive. He licked his lips, and Heidi grinned. “Come sit here with me,” she said.

 

“Hey Jasper. Where’d you get to?”

 

The sound of Laurent’s voice was like a suckerpunch to Jasper’s gut. He gasped in a breath and had to reach out to lean against the wall to steady himself. He was dizzy with the strength of his returning rationality. When Laurent rounded the corner into the room, he grabbed his friend by the arm.

 

“We need to get out of here,” he said through gritted teeth. “Right now.”

 

“Don’t go,” said Heidi.

 

“Come back. Laurent can vouch for us. He’s had our stuff before,” Jane said.

 

Jasper raised his head, his eyes wide as he looked to his friend. “What?”

 

Laurent looked sheepish, but as he glanced furtively from Jasper to the table, his shame was quickly replaced with a hunger Jasper knew all too well. “It’s just one hit, after all.”

 

“You’ve done it before?” Jasper asked, incredulity gaining on his rush of other emotions.

 

“One hit every now and again is harmless.” His eyes were glazed over. He took a step into the room, and Jasper held him back.

 

“Kate,” Jasper said. He was having trouble formulating words himself. Even though he was turned toward his friend, he could feel the presence of the drug he wanted so badly. “Do you… You can’t.”

 

“Sure he can.” Felix had appeared from behind them. He slung his arms over Jasper and Laurent’s shoulders, elbowing his way between them. “Kate doesn’t have to know. What happens in Casa Scarpinato stays in Casa Scarpinato.” He laughed. “Don’t worry so much, Jasper. Come relax. Take the edge off. You’ve been a good boy, and you deserve a little break. It’s no big deal.”

 

No big deal. It would be so easy to believe the words. Just one hit. One. One couldn’t hurt. Jasper let Felix draw him forward.

 

Then he sucked in a breath and ducked out from under Felix’s arm. “I have to go. Laurent. We have to go. Can we go?”

 

Laurent looked back and forth, but Felix had already pulled him down between him and Jane on the couch. He gave Jasper an apologetic shrug. “It’s really not a big deal. Sometimes I cheat.”

 

Jasper hesitated. He knew now he had to get out of there. Quickly. Before the rational voice got drowned out by the need. God, it was right there. But he couldn’t believe Laurent wasn’t fighting this like he was. He couldn’t believe the other man was even now rolling up his sleeves.

 

He wanted to save his friend from what he was about to do, but his willpower was already burning fumes. It was now or never. He had to run or he was going to succumb.

 

“Come on, Jasper. It’ll be fine,” Laurent said.

 

Jasper wanted desperately to believe him. He’d never wanted anything so badly in his life. Just one.

 

But a name, a single name, echoed through his thoughts just then.

 

Kaylee.

 

Kaylee. Mom. Dad. Edward. Emmett. Bella.

 

He pivoted, trying to find the strength to keep going, trying to remember how to walk, how to run.

 

Alice.

 

He brushed by Jane’s brother Alec so hard, he almost sent the man toppling to the ground. “What the hell?” Alec grabbed Jasper’s arm and gave him a shake. “What the fuck is your problem?”

 

Kaylee.

 

Jasper wrested his arm from Alec’s grasp, and he bolted. He heard Laurent and one of the girls calling him back, but he fixed a mental image of his daughter in his mind and kept running.

 

But even as he kept moving forward, something inside him twisted. Moving away from his fix, from his deepest desire just felt so wrong. He thought of his life, his accomplishments, small as they were. He thought of the tiny shred of trust his mother had showed when he left the house. He thought about Alice, and the far away dream he had that someday, he might actually be capable of being someone’s partner. He thought of his baby, his daughter, all he’d lost in her and all he still stood to lose if he went back.

 

He still wanted to.

 

Out past the gates of the mansion, on the sidewalk, Jasper stopped. He bent at the knees, gasping for air, befuddled and scared and sick with the knowledge all the turmoil he felt could fade away in seconds if only he’d turn back now. He fumbled in his pocket for the phone. He needed to be away from here. Far away. His hands shook as he tried to find the right number.

 

“Please. Please. Please,” he murmured under his breath, finding the will to shuffle forward a few more steps. “Please pick up.”

 

“Hello?”

 

All Jasper’s breath left him at the sound of that voice. He’d accidentally called the last person he wanted to call right now, the person who wouldn’t understand. “Shit.”

 

“Jasper?” Edward said, his tone sharp.

 

“I, um… Fuck. I meant to call Emmett,” Jasper said. He didn’t have anything resembling a filter right then. “I thought I called Emmett. I’m sorry. Fuck.”

 

“What’s going on?”

 

Jasper closed his eyes, despair creeping in around the edges of everything else. Why did his brothers both have E names? Why Edward? If he had to misdial, why did it have to be Edward? Edward who was slowly, so slowly, starting to treat him like a human being again.

 

But he didn’t trust himself to try again if he hung up now. It was Edward or he was going back in that house. “I need you…” He swallowed hard. “I need you to come get me. Right now. Please. Look. There are drugs in that house, and I want them. I want to do them. I’m going to do them if you don’t come get me. Please. Please help me.”

 

The silence that followed was almost too long, but then Edward spoke. His tone was harsh, but he didn’t say anything except, “Where are you?”

 

The words brought enough relief that Jasper had the presence of mind to give the vague location of the shopping center they’d passed right before they started into the fancy neighborhoods. He started moving again. Having a destination in mind helped.

 

“Okay,” Edward said. “I can google map it.” He paused. “I need the phone…”

 

“I’ll call Alice,” Jasper blurted. “Just please hurry.”

 

He hung up the phone and did as he promised. When Alice picked up, he babbled an approximation of what had happened. “God, I’m sorry. Ally, I’m so sorry.”

 

“Hush. It’s okay. You’re okay.”

 

“It was stupid. I should have known better. It just happened so fast, and then it was there. I’m sorry.”

 

“You didn’t do anything wrong. You did everything right. You walked away, Jasper. I’m so proud of you.”

 

“I shouldn’t have been there in the first place.” Panic was making him jittery and borderline incoherent. “They were just drinking at first, but they were pushy about it, you know? I should have known. I swear I didn’t know, Ally. I should have, but I didn’t.”

 

“You couldn’t have known. It’s okay. You’re okay.”

 

Finally arriving at his destination, Jasper looked around the parking lot. “Edward is here.”

 

“Good. That’s good. Let him take you home.”

 

Jasper took a shaky breath, and cursed quietly. “He’s not going to understand.”

 

Alice sighed. “You did the right thing, Jasper. Don’t let him tell you any differently. Let him be a prick about it if he’s going to be. Just as long as you get out of there. But remember you didn’t do anything wrong. Nothing at all, and I’m proud of you,” she repeated.

 

“Thank you.”

 

“Call me after you get home, okay?”

 

“Okay.”

 

As soon as he was in his brother’s car, Jasper slumped over, putting his head between his knees. The want hadn’t left him. It made him dizzy. His heart was pounding too fast, but the vice grip on his lungs had eased the slightest amount. He gasped, trying to take a deep breath and failing.

 

“Christ. You’re a wreck.” As Jasper had expected, Edward didn’t sound pleased. “Did you take anything?”

 

“No,” Jasper said between pants. “No, I didn’t.”

 

“But you wanted to.”

 

“Look, I know you’re pissed, but-”

 

“Damn right I’m pissed. I had to leave my very pregnant wife home alone to drive across the city to pick you up because you needed a hit?”

 

“That’s not what happened.”

 

“Yeah right. You said you wanted to. After everything, you wanted to.”

 

“Yes.” Jasper reared up and surprised both of them by punching the dashboard. The bloom of pain through his knuckles was a welcome relief to everything else he was feeling. “Yeah. I did want to. I wanted to really fucking badly. For a few minutes there, nothing, nothing mattered more to me than the fucking hit they were offering me. None of it mattered. You know why? Because I’m a fucking addict. I’m a fucking-” He couldn’t speak anymore. His throat had closed off. He just drove his fist into Edward’s dashboard again.

 

“Okay. Okay. Jasper. Stop. I’m sorry. Just stop, okay? You’re going to break your hand.”

 

Jasper wheezed, realizing his eyes were stinging with tears he didn’t want to shed. He groaned instead and buried his head between his knees again. “I didn’t go there looking for drugs. It wasn’t my idea.”

 

“Okay. I believe you,” Edward said, and his voice, incredibly, was gentle. “It doesn’t matter. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled at you. You scared me, but I’m glad you’re safe. I’m glad you called me. Just… catch your breath. You’re going to hyperventilate.”

 

By the time they got home, the lingering sense of panic had receded. Jasper could think again, but the downside of that was nothing was protecting him from the onslaught of emotion assailing him. He knew how close he’d come to losing everything, and he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt he wasn’t exaggerating. It would have taken seconds, seconds, to undo two years worth of work. It would have been so easy.

 

And he still wanted it.

 

He was disgusted with himself and tired. So tired. He was tired of the fight. It shouldn’t have been this hard to merely survive. It shouldn’t have been this hard to breathe. He didn’t want to face his parents’ disappointed faces.

 

“Come on,” Edward said, surprising him again when he put his arm around Jasper’s waist and helped hold him up as they walked to the door. Jasper hadn’t even noticed he was trembling so badly he could hardly walk.

 

“Mom. Dad,” Edward called, and Jasper groaned. He didn’t know if he could face his parents right then.

 

Before he knew it they were there, and for the second time that night, he was stuttering out apologies in between telling them what had happened.

 

He waited for them to say “I told you so” about Laurent. He waited for them to tell him he was so stupid. Or weak. He was weak because he’d almost given in. He’d come so close.

 

They didn’t say any of that. Esme and Carlisle pulled him down to sit between them on the couch. They hugged him and rocked him as he finally calmed down. They stroked his hair and his back. Esme murmured the nonsensical words that weren’t meant to be condescending. They were simply the words a mother spoke to soothe her child. “Good boy. You’re a good boy, Jasper..

 

“We love you,” Carlisle said. “We’re right here.”

**~0~**

About an hour later, when Jasper was alone again in his room, he called Alice. The turmoil he’d felt had died down somewhat, leaving behind a hollow, desolate place at the center of his chest. His parents’ words of love and encouragement buzzed around him, but they wouldn’t settle.

 

“I’m just lost, Ally,” he told her when she asked him to try to pinpoint what he was feeling.  “I’ve been trying so hard. So fucking hard, and tonight, none of it mattered. If Laurent hadn’t come into the room when he did, I would have done it. Right then I would have done it. And even after that… I barely made it out of that room. It was so close.”

 

“But you made it out. You did it. You ran away.”

 

“It shouldn’t have been that hard. Two years. Two fucking years, and I’m still right there. I’m right back where I started. Shouldn’t I be stronger than that?”

 

“You’re so much stronger than you think,” Alice said. “Getting stronger isn’t about not faltering. That’s not how it works. _You are not going in circles._

_“You are making progress in a spiral. You do come back around to where you were at the start, since recovery and healing take time, but every time you come back around to that point you’re a little higher up because you’ve got more experience, more knowledge, and more strength._

_“You ARE making progress.”_

Jasper closed his eyes. He slumped down in his bed, wrapping all his blankets tightly around him. “I want to believe you. I really do.”

 

“Just sleep now, honey. Go to sleep. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, and I’ll be there in a week, okay?”

 

A small smile tugged at Jasper’s lips. “Yeah, sugar. Okay.”

 

“I love you, Jasper Whitlock.”

  
His heart gave a flutter. He didn’t understand why. He didn’t understand how she could say it, but right then, he decided it didn’t matter. It felt good to hear those words, even if they also hurt. “I love you too, Alice.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Many thanks to barburella and jessypt.


	22. Snapshots

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Ya know. At some point I suddenly realized that I was supposed to pair Laurent with IRINA, not Kate.. wtf, brain fart. Oh well.

Edward woke on Saturday morning well before dawn. He had a lot on his mind, so he’d been sleeping even less than usual lately. Beside him, Bella sighed and rolled over in her sleep. In her sixth month of pregnancy, she was beginning to get restless at night. He wrapped an arm around her and rubbed her back--a trick he’d recently learned helped soothe her into a deeper sleep.

 

When he was sure she wouldn’t wake, Edward brushed his fingertips along her side and then over the bulge of her belly. When touch wasn’t enough, he had to pull the bedspread back to look on her.

 

Though he had an increasingly difficult time convincing her, Edward thought pregnancy suited Bella. The curves of her body were fuller. The roundness of her pregnancy was at that adorable stage, almost perfectly round and still somewhat proportionate to her slight frame. He’d always thought pregnant was a good look on her.

 

A slight frown tugged at Edward’s lips.

 

Part of Edward had never believed Jasper deserved Bella. That part of him, always a whisper in his ear, became a full-fledged shout when she was pregnant with Kaylee. That was when he realized without a doubt he was hopelessly, endlessly in love with Bella. He’d admired, as always, from afar, as she began to glow. It was painful not to touch her, not to draw her into the protection of his arms.

 

He did feel she needed protection from his brother especially. He’d watched, fully expecting Jasper to fail. But he didn’t. Not at first. He was everything Edward would have been. He’d been attentive and tender. He’d catered to Bella’s cravings and whims. He’d massaged her back and feet when she got achy. He’d reassured her when her emotions got the better of her. And yes, then it had been him speaking to their baby through Bella’s skin. He’d done it without shame too, no matter where they were. He’d dropped to his knees and rested his head against her belly in front of the whole family more times than Edward could count.

 

Back then, Edward had a few stolen moments. When they were alone she would take his hand, and her grip would linger just a few beats longer than necessary before she pressed his palm to her belly so he could feel the baby move. They were such full moments, with her so close. Her eyes were alight with happiness and excitement, her smile shy but wide. And for those few stolen moments, it was all he could do not to kiss her.

 

Edward sighed, letting the memory slip away as he breathed in Bella’s scent. He never worried he would love this baby more because he could share this pregnancy with her. Kaylee was his. Heart and soul, she was his little girl. He’d loved her as his own every day of her life, and he would love her until the day he died. She was his daughter and the baby Bella carried was his son. Those were facts that nothing, not even blood, could change.

 

Recently Edward had come to the realization he’d always expected to be challenged. He loved Bella, not as a spoil of a private war he’d waged with his brother, but because she was part of him. They’d fallen in love without meaning to, and they were partners. But he loved his brother too.

 

As it sunk in that Jasper wasn’t a threat, Edward found he wanted it all. He had a wife, a beautiful daughter, and soon he would have a healthy son. He had the world at his feet. He should want for nothing.

 

But if he was being honest with himself, he wanted just one thing more. He wanted his brother back.

 

It wasn’t as easy a wish as it sounded. Like a child, he was angry he couldn’t ever have what he’d lost. His big brother had disappointed him, and Edward wouldn’t ever look at him the same way he had when he was a trusting little boy. Edward didn’t know if he wanted the brother that was lost to him or the man Jasper had become. The wary man whose shoulders hunched, who didn’t seem strong enough to be Edward’s hero anymore.

 

Sometimes, though, Edward thought he caught a glimpse of Jasper’s former self. He saw him begin to joke or a bit of his natural charm would slip out. Those moments were frustrating because they were fleeting, because Jasper almost instantly fell back into the nervous, sad person he’d become.

 

“Daddy?” A whisper from the door drew his attention, and Edward looked up to see Kaylee hovering, fist balled as she rubbed her eyes.

 

Edward disentangled himself from Bella carefully before he sat up, opening his arms for Kaylee. She padded over and settled easily with her head on his shoulder. He rubbed her back as they headed out of the room and down the stairs.

 

Rather than go to the living room to watch the news as was their custom,  Edward grabbed a shoebox he'd taken from its hiding place several days before. He settled down at the kitchen table, rearranging Kaylee so she could doze and he still had one hand left to shuffle through the box’s contents.

 

He’d unearthed the box when he came home after he’d received Jasper’s panicked call. That night had jarred him, and even three days later, he still hadn’t organized his thoughts. He’d never seen the reality of Jasper’s disease, the power it held over him. Jasper hadn’t ever done drugs in front of him, save for weed, but even Edward had done a little of that. So while he knew his brother was an addict, he’d never seen it with his own eyes.  

 

It was both not as bad and a million times worse than anything he’d ever imagined. When Jasper called him, he’d been picturing seedy alleys, ramshackle houses, and creeps lurking in every corner. The neighborhood bordering the shopping mall Jasper had directed him to was high class. Even in his modest Volvo, Edward had felt out of place and self-conscious driving into the parking lot.

 

What had been a million times worse than anything Edward pictured was the state Jasper was in as he got into his car. It was more than knowing his brother had changed; the person who’d gotten into that car was a complete stranger. His voice was a high-pitched, panicky staccato. His eyes were so wide they threw his face grotesquely out of proportion. He shook, but it wasn’t a tremble; it was a jerky movement, as though his joints were on strings held by a five-year-old child as a puppeteer. It had been frightening to see.

 

Edward took the top off the box and took out the stack of pictures hidden there. He’d seen them all before; he had a vague understanding of what each one meant, but he hadn’t ever let it sink in. He hadn’t let himself consider the story they told of Jasper’s mindset. One by one, he began to spread them all out on the tabletop.

 

Each of the photos was meant for someone. Their mother, Carlisle, Bella, Emmett, Edward. There were even a couple meant for Rosalie. But by far the most heartbreaking were the ones meant for Jasper’s baby; Not Edward’s Kaylee, but the baby Jasper had carried in his heart, whom he had cherished and mourned for three years.

 

“Daddy, what are these?” Kaylee’s words were slurred with sleep, her head still settled on the crook of his neck, but she reached a hand out to touch one of the photos.

 

Edward pressed a kiss to her hair, caught in the emotion of one of the photographs meant for Jasper’s lost daughter. It was a picture of an angel statue collapsed over the grave of an infant. The anguish in the photo was palpable, and just imagining losing Kaylee had Edward struck dumb with grief. He swallowed hard, taking calming breaths before he spoke to his daughter. “Your uncle Jasper took them.”

 

She touched a few photos at random, turning them this way and that. “Oooh,” she said, touching a picture of an abandoned amusement park. “That’s funny. Lookit the clowns.” She pointed to the crumbling walls decorated by deteriorated pictures of clowns.

 

Edward had to laugh. He’d just been wondering about that very photo. Was it, like the rest of them, meant to be an analogy? Once upon a time, that park had been rife with laughter, happiness, but it was all destroyed now--a warped shell of what it had once been.

 

But Kaylee? She only saw the clowns.

 

“I like this one,” Kaylee said, slapping her hand on photo. This was another snapshot Edward thought was meant for him. It was a picture of two street musicians, one at the keyboard, the other at the guitar. Though they were playing for a small crowd of people, they were angled toward other, each of them grinning with a smile of one lost in the music.

 

“Hey, sugar?”

 

Kaylee craned her head to peer up at him with raised eyebrows.

 

“You know it’s Uncle Jasper’s birthday tomorrow?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“You want to help me pick something out for him?”

 

She bounced eagerly on his lap. “Oh, yes. I know, I know. We can get him Star Wars legos.”

 

“Why Star Wars legos? Does he like them?”

 

Kaylee shrugged. “I like them, and then he can come over and play.”

 

Edward sighed, but he cuddled her closer. “Yeah, I bet he’d like that a lot.”

**~0~**

Late the next morning Edward’s little family gathered in the living room to recoup from their big breakfast of blueberry pancakes, eggs, and bacon. Edward and Bella sat on the couch, her back to him so he could rub her shoulders. Kaylee was sprawled on the floor, watching the movie they’d put on.

 

Edward was just becoming distracted by Bella’s hands--she was tracing idle patterns against his leg that kept moving upwards--when Kaylee pushed past her lethargy. She got to her knees and turned to face them. Bella’s hand relocated to more innocent pastimes.

 

“Can I play with my guitar?” Kaylee asked.

 

“Not the real one. The toy one.”

 

She pouted. “No, the real one.”

 

“What did I tell you?” he asked sternly.

 

Kaylee scowled but recited dutifully. “It’s not a toy an’ I can’t use it until I has a teacher.”

 

“Good girl. You can play with the toy one if you want, but not the real one. Not yet. Soon, though, okay?”

 

“Okay,” Kaylee said, sullen. Despite her supposedly dour mood, she dashed off.

 

Bella clucked. “You just couldn’t help yourself, could you?”

 

He snorted. “In a music store? No, I couldn’t help myself.”

 

“You’re really going to find her a teacher? She’s three, Edward.”

 

“She’s almost four, and there’s no reason not to.” He twirled a strand of her hair around his finger. “Jasper started teaching me to play the piano when I was three.”

 

Bella hummed, falling silent as Kaylee ran back into the room with the toy guitar. She sat down crosslegged and began plucking at it, trying to find a simple tune the way she could with a piano. Her brow furrowed, and she stuck out her tongue in concentration.

 

Edward chuckled and nuzzled the side of Bella’s head. “You know, I took her around the entire store. I think we saw every instrument. She almost went for the sax.”

 

“Oooh. Wouldn’t that have been cool.”

 

“Yeah. But then she chose the guitar.”

 

They were both quiet, and the way Bella squeezed his knee, Edward knew she understood. Kaylee took after Jasper in more ways than her smile.

 

“I’m proud of you, you know,” she said after a few moments.

 

“What? Why?”

 

“Because what you’re doing isn’t easy.” She reached back, running her fingers along his cheek and back into his hair. “If this were our story, mine and Jasper’s, and he came back wanting a relationship with me again, everyone would be screaming at me not to be so stupid. To a certain point, I have that luxury, to choose. I don’t think it’s weak to take someone back. It’s not always the right thing, but it takes an incredible amount of strength to do the right way.”

 

“What’s the right way?”

 

“Understanding that you have to give too in order to make the relationship work.”

 

Edward huffed. “I haven’t taken him back.”

 

She didn’t answer. She craned her head back and kissed the underside of his chin.

**~0~**

Kaylee loved birthdays even when they weren’t her own. She kept up a constant stream of chatter as they drove to Carlisle and Esme’s house, wondering if Jasper would like the Legos she’d picked out for him and also wondering if there would be balloons.

 

“You and Daddy are silly because you didn’t have balloons when it was your birthday,” she told her mother. “I hope Grandma bought lotsa balloons for Uncle Jay.”

 

Edward drove in silence, remembering Jasper’s last three birthdays. Just like now, he’d brought his family over to his parents’ house but not for celebration. Jasper’s birthday had to be the worst. Holidays in general were difficult. His presence was there in their memories of past holidays. It was difficult to accept the idea he was a part of their history, that he wasn’t in some other corner of the house, out of sight but not gone.

 

His birthdays, though, were days of mourning. How could they not be? That date was marked on every calendar, every year for his family. It would belong to him as long as they all lived. Without the closure his death would have brought them, they couldn’t celebrate his life. On those days, it was impossible to put him out of their mind long enough to find any kind of peace. Edward had spent Jasper’s last three birthdays angry at all the pain his brother had put their family through. Anger was easier than worry and loss, after all.

 

Those memories were like bruises that day. They made their presence known; everyone could see them, but they weren’t crippling. Edward was somewhat surprised to find he was excited. Despite a lingering thread of resentment for the bad days Jasper had forced on them, he was happy Jasper was home, healthy, and safe. And he would always be glad his brother had been born.

 

When they pulled up, everyone was out on the front lawn, Rosalie and Emmett having pulled up only a few minutes before Edward and Bella. They were still in the midst of greeting hugs.

 

Kaylee had herself unbuckled from her carseat almost before they stopped moving. When Edward opened her door, she was off like a shot, chanting, “Happy birthday” before she launched herself into Jasper’s waiting arms. He collected his birthday hug before he set her down again. Kaylee stood at his feet, still chattering merrily.

 

“I think you’ll like what I got you, Uncle Jay.”

 

He bent at the knees and mussed her hair. “It’s pretty easy to make me happy, sweetheart.”

 

“I picked out what I got you all by myself. It’s-”

 

“Kaylee.” Edward sighed, exasperated.

 

Kaylee clapped a hand over her mouth and looked between her father and uncle with a sheepish expression. “Whoops. It’s a secret. I’m sorry.”

 

Edward gave her a gentle push. “Go say hello to your cousins.”

 

When Kaylee had scampered off, Edward looked to his brother. Jasper’s manner had turned guarded again, and he ducked his head as though he couldn’t quite hold Edward’s gaze. They hadn’t had time to see each other since the night Jasper had called him for a rescue.

 

Edward reached out, wanting to pull Jasper into the back-slapping hug he’d seen Emmett give him. There was so much he wanted to say but now wasn’t the time, and anyway, his words were too tangled in his head. Instead, he clapped Jasper’s shoulder and offered him an awkward smile. “Happy birthday,” he said.

 

Jasper smiled back, a hopeful smile, Edward thought. “Thanks.”

 

Because Jasper had to work a half day, Carlisle had gone to get Alice at the airport, so they were the last to arrive. It was a sedate party, not unlike their usual get togethers. They talked and played and migrated to the TV in different clusters.

 

At some point, Edward came across Rosalie and Jasper alone in the hallway. He overheard her ask after Laurent who had originally been on the guest list. At the flash of darkness that had crossed Jasper’s face, Edward wanted to yell at his sister-in-law, but Jasper’s voice was steady when he answered. “He’s been uninvited.”

 

“From your life?”

 

Jasper looked down and shuffled his feet. “I don’t know, Rosalie.”

 

“You-” Rosalie began, but Edward stepped out into the open then.

 

“Rose. Not today.”

 

She glared. “But he-”

 

“I know.” Edward knew exactly what Rosalie wanted to say. The same protest had jumped to his mind when Jasper didn’t immediately renounce the man who’d knowingly led him into the lion’s den. “Not today,” he repeated. “He walked away. That’s what counts today. Give him a break.”

 

Rosalie grimaced but she gave a short nod. “Happy birthday,” she said brusquely before she turned on her heel and walked off.

 

Jasper closed his eyes as he breathed in and out slowly. “Thanks,” he said when he opened them again.

 

“Birthday rules.” The brothers shared a smile. Their parents always exempted them from just about everything on their birthdays. No chores. No school. Once, on Edward’s birthday, they’d discovered a misdeed he’d committed some days before. He got no grief. At least not that day.

 

“Birthday rules.” Jasper rubbed a hand over his eyes. “You know this-” He gestured to the scars on his face. “-happened on my birthday?”

 

Edward’s stomach twisted. It had only been this last week that he let himself really picture how Jasper must have gotten those scars. He cleared his throat and reached out to brush his brother’s arm with his hand in a brief touch. “I…” Again, words failed him. He huffed and stumbled over a subject change. “I, um… I have something I wanted to give to you privately.”

 

Jasper looked up in surprise. “You mean besides the guitar in the living room? Edward, that’s already too much. I can’t believe you got me a guitar.”

 

“Yeah, well. You without a guitar just seems wrong. Just don’t sell this one off.” He winced. He was honestly trying not to be bitchy. He’d meant it as a joke, but it was a piss poor one.

 

Still, Jasper seemed to catch the different sentiment. “I won’t. Really. It’s been a long time since I’ve played.”

 

They were both standing in the hallway, arms crossed defensively, but Edward couldn’t deny he was pleased that Jasper was happy with his gift. “Anyway, it’s not a gift. It’s… I don’t know.” He jerked his head to the spare room, the room that had once been his. “It’s in there.”

 

They both went in, and Edward unceremoniously shoved the shoebox he’d brought inside at Jasper. His brother looked confused, but when he opened the box and saw all the snapshots he’d sent to Bella over the course of three years, the color drained from his face. Edward shook his head, feeling stupid. “No. Look, I’m not trying to start anything. I’ve just been looking at these lately. And I think you were trying to tell us something. That was the thing with your photos. There was always something behind it.”

 

Jasper clutched the shoebox closer and looked up at him, his expression still stricken but also confused. “I don’t understand.”

 

“I think that’s what I’m trying to say. I don’t understand.” Edward picked up a handful of the photos, shuffling them nervously. “What I think I get is that you cared about us. You didn’t stop thinking about us when you were gone.”

 

“I thought of all of you. I missed you, every single day.”

 

“See, I think there’s a gap. When I look at these, I see that you cared. And I’ve told you; I understand addiction on a clinical level. I understand it as a disease. I understand the black and white of it. But I can’t make those two thoughts come together. If you loved us and you missed us, why couldn’t you come home?”

 

Edward grunted, frustrated with himself. “This all sounds so stupid to say out loud, but I was thinking… I was thinking you could make a book.”

 

Jasper tilted his head. “A what?”

 

“These are amazing photos. I thought, if I could understand where you were when you took them, what you were thinking about, what it was actually like for you, maybe I could understand you. I want to understand. If you wrote a little about it, it might fill the blank.”

 

Jasper stared, and Edward put down the photos as he started to ramble. “And who knows, right? You could sell something like that, I think. If you wanted. If you can help me understand, you could help other people and make a little money on top of it.” He rubbed the back of his neck and shrugged. “Or whatever.”

 

"Edward." The way Jasper said the word was a whole conversation. The depth of emotion in his shining eyes went straight through Edward like a jolt, making a lump raise in his throat.

 

His brother wanted to hug him. The moment was heavy with it.

 

Edward reached out and pulled Jasper to him. He hugged him tightly, and Jasper hugged back just as tight. It was no quick thing. The brothers clung to each other, and Edward felt a lightness in his chest. He gasped with the strength of it. "Once," he said, his voice ragged as he clutched the back of Jasper’s shirt. "I will never forgive you if you do anything like this again.”

 

Jasper squeezed him once more and then stepped back. They both wiped at their eyes. After a second, Jasper stuck out a hand. “Okay,” he said.

  
Edward took his hand and they shook. “Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Many thanks to barburella and jessypt.   
> We’re almost done, folks!


	23. I Want

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hello! Let’s get goin’.

Jasper kept Laurent at arm’s length, limiting their interaction to the Internet and one meeting for lunch. Despite his own misgivings, it seemed wrong to dismiss him outright. He’d been there when Jasper needed a friend, the least he could do was be a good friend back.

 

It was frightening how quickly Laurent spiraled.

 

“I won’t do it again,” he said, but the next week he spoke about going over to their house.

 

“There weren’t any drugs there this time,” he claimed when they met for lunch a full month and a half after the incident.

 

Jasper stared at his friend. “You’re kidding, right?”

 

Laurent tilted his head, still looking Jasper straight in the eyes.

 

“You used. Recently. You think I don’t know what it looks like?” Jasper asked.

 

“I didn’t-”

 

Jasper reached across the table and yanked Laurent’s hand forward, pulling his long-sleeved shirt back at the same time. Sure enough, there were fresh marks. Laurent yanked his arms back with a scowl. “I have it under control.”

 

“Christ, will you come off it? You know as well as I do that’s not true.”

 

Laurent shook his head. “No, you don’t understand. This isn’t like it was with James. I use socially. Like you saw. Just one hit. Only one.”

 

“Every time you go.”

 

His friend ducked his head, and Jasper knew he was right. He didn’t believe Laurent’s claim of one hit only either, but that was beside the point.

 

After that, whenever they talked, they argued. “I get it,” Jasper said. “No one gets it better than me, but think of everything you have to lose. You rebuilt your life. Not everyone gets to do that, not after the bullshit we pulled. You’re not going to get a third chance. Do you want to lose Kate? Do you want to end up dead like James?”

 

“I’m nothing like James.”

 

“Not yet.”

 

After that, Laurent promised to tell Kate. He said he did. He said he was going to meetings, that he was back on the wagon. It was a lie--an elaborate, believable one.

 

Jasper was getting the first hand experience of what it was like to be the loved one of a drug addict.

 

“It’s maddening, isn’t it?” Bella said when he confessed his worries to her one day. “How they can lie to you straight faced. How they can manipulate you into thinking you’re crazy for believing they need help.”

 

He raised his head to look at her. “I’m sorry.”

 

She offered him a small smile and touched her hand briefly to his arm. “There comes a point where you’ve said enough sorrys.”

 

He scoffed. “Honey, there aren’t enough sorrys in the world.” He sighed, casting off his worry and frustration over his friend for a time and let his eyes drift down to her belly. He nodded at the bulge that was bigger than the rest of her these days. “Edward said you’d decided on a name for the monster.”

 

Bella grinned. “Malcolm Charlie Cullen.”

 

“Mal?” Jasper chuckled at that. “Are you trying for the entire crew of Serenity? I vote for River if the next one is a girl.”

 

“Oh, God. Why would you wish that on me? You think I want to do this again? Do you know how uncomfortable this is?” She tapped her distended middle.

 

“Can’t say that I do, but just looking at you makes my back hurt.” He swallowed hard, remembering how she looked just before the accident at thirty-one weeks. “It’s good, though, that you made it this far this time.”

 

Bella tilted her head, studying him for a long moment. “I blame you for a lot of things, Jasper, but the accident and Kaylee being born too soon isn’t one of them. You took good care of me while I was pregnant. You have so many regrets. Don’t add to them if you don’t need to.”

 

They both looked up as Kaylee came skittering into the room, crying out excitedly for her mother. “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, look.” She held her hands out, her eyes wide with wonder. “Jakey read me a story about a hungry, hungry caterpillar. He said caterpillars turn into butterflies, and I found one.”

 

“I can see that.” Bella drew her daughter into the circle of her arms and kissed her forehead as Kaylee carefully set the bug on the table to watch it crawl. She started a little as she saw Jasper sitting there. “Hiya, Uncle Jay. I didn’t know you were here.” She scrambled to his side of the table and up onto his lap to give him a hug.

 

“Hey, sweetheart.”

 

“Guess what?”

 

“What?”

 

“Daddy told me that we’re going to get a new house because this house has only two rooms. He said I need a room of my own so my baby brother won’t bother me. An’ I tol’ him I wouldn’t mind sharing, but you know what? I have my own room now, and I have lotsa dolls and animals, and where would my brother put all his dolls and animals? So I guess Daddy is right. It’s prolly good to have my own room.”

 

Hearing his daughter talk about her daddy and not mean him was like trying to breathe lead instead of air. It was, Jasper thought, getting ever so slightly easier. As though at least the lead wasn’t also on fire. “Your daddy is a smart man.”

 

“Like me,” Kaylee said, grinning winningly.

 

Jasper laughed. “Yeah, like you. Now why don’t you take that caterpillar back outside so it can grow into a butterfly like you said, smarty pants. I don’t think your grandma invites caterpillars to the table.”

 

Kaylee was agreeable. With exaggerated care, she scooped the caterpillar back into her hands and ran outside with the writhing thing. Jasper stared after her until she was out of sight. When he turned back to Bella, she was looking at him with sympathy in her eyes. He smiled though he didn’t much feel like it. “You’re right. I have a lot of regrets. A lot. What’s one more?”

 

“You and Edward are about equal in stubbornness, you know that?” She shook her head, but her expression was fond. “Well, anyway. About Laurent. I know you’re getting a lot of crap from everyone.”

 

“I understand why.”

 

“Yeah. I do too. I just want you to know I also understand why you can’t just let him go.” She pressed her lips together, her expression thoughtful for a few moments. “Even though I couldn’t help you, I don’t think I regret not giving up on you back then. Well...” She put her hands on top and bottom of her big belly. “I guess I have other reasons not to regret it, but I guess what I’m trying to say is I don’t necessarily think it was the wrong thing to do. Try to help you, I mean.”

 

She reached across the table to give his hand a brief squeeze. “Just be careful, Jasper. Even at your worst, I know you tried to keep us all away from anything dangerous. Laurent has already proven he’ll drag you down with him without a second thought. You’re fighting your own battles, and that’s more than enough.”

_**~0~** _

It was only a week later that the inevitable happened. Jasper answered a call from Laurent. He had overdosed. He was in the hospital, and he wanted to see Jasper.

 

“It was stupid,” Laurent said. He was gaunt and sickly looking in his hospital bed, but his tone was more flippant than Jasper expected. “Kate was visiting her sisters in Alaska. I didn’t have to leave the party, so I didn’t, you know?” He grimaced. “Felix drove me here. He told some story about how I called him before I passed out, and he found me at my place. I guess I can’t complain much about that because he’s going to help me keep my job.” He tossed his head back so it hit the pillow with a muffled thud. “Man. Kate’s pissed at me.”

 

“Gee, I can’t figure why.”

 

“Hah, don’t be an ass. She’ll calm down soon enough.” He waved his hand. “Anyway, that’s what I wanted to ask you. You said you had a little set aside, trying to get your own place and all, right?”

 

Jasper raised an eyebrow, not wanting to believe what he was hearing. He just waited for Laurent to finish his thought.

 

“You think you could float me a loan? I get paid again in a couple of weeks, but I got nothing, and I need a place to stay for a while.”

 

“Did the hospital not offer you a referral to a rehab facility?” Jasper asked, careful to keep his tone neutral.

 

Laurent seemed taken aback. “Rehab? I don’t need rehab.”

 

Jasper couldn’t help but glare at his friend. “Are you fucking kidding me, or do you think you’re in here with a case of appendicitis?”

 

“Oh, don’t you start, man. I heard enough of this bullshit from Kate. Look, I was stupid. I get that, but it was nothing. Look at me.” He held his hands out, arms wide. “I’m sure I look like shit, but do I look like a strung-out junkie? Yeah, I use, but it’s recreational now. I don’t need it.”

 

Jasper looked down at his hands. His stomach churned with frustration and anger. He wanted to believe Laurent had a point, but he knew better. He blew out a long breath before he tried to talk again. “Did you notice it didn’t take me long to get here after you called?”

 

Laurent furrowed his eyebrows. “I guess it didn’t.”

 

“I was already here. In the hospital, I mean. My nephew was born about five hours ago.”

 

“Your nephew.” Laurent grinned. “Ah, so your brother has a real kid now, huh? Congrats.”

 

Jasper didn’t answer at first. He flexed his hands into fists and released. “Kaylee is his real kid,” he said, the words slow and steady. “She’s my daughter, but I don’t ever get to call myself her daddy. I lost that right because I was too stupid to realize when I had the chance to get better before I lost everything. All of them gave me every chance.”

 

His friend scowled. “I told you. It’s not like it was before. I-”

 

“Don’t you get it?” Jasper stood up, too restless to keep still. He walked a few paces away and then back, rubbing the back of his neck as he tried not to shout. “You still have your job. If you do something now, I bet you could keep Kate. You said you didn’t want to wind up like James.”

 

“I won’t.”

 

“You almost did!” Jasper gestured around them.

 

Laurent looked away and didn’t answer. Jasper dropped into the seat by the bedside again. “So you won’t go to rehab. You won’t do anything?”

 

“I don’t. Need it,” his friend said through gritted teeth.

 

After another minute of silence, Jasper stood. He took out his wallet and dropped what bills he had on Laurent’s lap. “This is all I have on me. I’ll take some out and leave you a week’s worth with the nurse.”

 

Laurent turned back to him. “With the nurse?”

 

“I can’t do this, man. I can’t watch you do this to yourself. I’m just not that strong yet. Maybe in a few years, but not right now.”

 

“Jasper-”

 

“You can keep the money. Call me if you ever change your mind about rehab but nothing else, you get me?”

 

The look on Laurent’s face had turned ugly and angry. “What kind of high and mighty bullshit is this? You think you’re better than me?” He scoffed. “You’re just pissed you’re too pathetic and weak to be able to take a hit now and then without getting all needy again.”

 

“I’m not judging you. I just said-”

 

“Fuck off. You fucking asshole. Like a scumbag, deadbeat who ditched his kid is better than me. Fuck, I bet that wasn’t even the drugs. You just needed an excuse.”

 

“Goodbye, Laurent.”

 

Jasper turned and got out the door as his friend hurled insults and venom. A jello cup exploded against the door next to Jasper’s head. He kept on moving until the sound of Laurent’s voice was nothing but a memory.

 

He was breathing hard when he dropped into a chair in one of the many lobbies. He put his head down between his knees, trying to stop the dizzying spin of nauseating guilt colliding with memories he didn’t want to think about right then. He took shallow breaths, trying to calm his speeding heart, turning his decision over and over in his head.

 

Had it been the right thing to do? What if it only drove Laurent deeper?

 

But the truth was it had taken him months to accept that letting go of Laurent was the right choice for him. Maybe it was selfish, but as Alice and his therapist kept on insisting, sometimes selfish was just another word for self-care.

 

After an age, Jasper was calm again. He got back to his feet and made his way to the maternity floor. There in the lobby, he found his little brother in conversation with Emmett, Rosalie, and Jacob the nanny. Jacob’s presence meant that Kaylee had undoubtedly arrived to meet her new baby brother.

 

Edward’s face brightened slightly when he saw Jasper. “There you are. I was looking for you.”

 

“You were?” Even after a few awkward months of peace between them, Jasper’s first thought was to wonder what he’d done wrong or if Edward somehow knew where he’d been the last half hour.

 

“Yeah.” Edward took him by the arm and hauled him a ways down the hallway. “I wanted to ask you for something. A favor.”

 

“A favor from me?”

 

Edward quirked an eyebrow. “Okay, well.” He seemed oddly jumpy, but then again he’d been awake for way too long at that point. Bella had had a nap. He had declined. He was probably high on coffee and whatever it felt like to be a new dad. “I don’t know if it’ll bother you. I haven’t seen you so much as touch a camera in so long.” He shrugged. “But if it’s okay, I’d appreciate it if you would take a picture of us. Kaylee with Malcolm. And the four of us.”

 

Jasper sucked in a breath. “You want me to take your first family pictures?”

 

“Yeah.” Edward bounced on his feet. “You always took the best pictures, you know? I mean, I understand if you don’t want to.”

 

“No. No. It’s fine. If you want me to take them, I will.”

 

Edward brightened again. “Great.” He shoved a camera in Jasper’s hands. “Sorry it’s not as fancy as yours was. Come on. Hurry up so we can get a few pictures of Kaylee and Mal together before sibling rivalry kicks in and she decides to hate him.”

_**~0~** _

“Sugar, this has been the most surreal day of my life, I think,” Jasper said to Alice on the phone when he was back in his room later. “On the one hand, you have all the bullshit with Laurent. And that sucked, Ali. That really sucked.”

 

“I can’t imagine it was a highlight.”

 

“Yeah, and it brought it all back, you know? How I was when you found me. How I was when Laurent and I were kids. And then I go right from that back to my kid brother asking me to take pictures of his new baby. It struck me, you know? How normal it was. Like, if you have a brother that takes good pictures, that’s what you do. Natural. Ugh.” He rubbed a hand over his eyes. “Am I even making sense?”

 

“Sure. You’ve been walking on eggshells with your whole family, and your brother especially, for over a year now. You’re not a stranger anymore. You’re starting to fit in.”

 

“That’s it. That’s it exactly.”

 

“It couldn’t have been easy though,” Alice said after a moment, gently prodding.

 

Jasper sighed and rubbed at his chest as though he could rub away the ache that had settled there. “It was kind of awkward, right? I lost my daughter. Okay. I get that. I’m not the first asshole to lose his kid, but I gotta wonder how many people have ever been in my place. Today I had to take pictures of my daughter with her daddy who is also my little brother, my ex-girlfriend, and their new son. I had to be there with the rest of my family knowing that no one celebrated Kaylee’s birth the way they celebrated Malcolm’s, because it wasn’t a good thing. Today was a good day for my family. Kaylee’s birthday was maybe their worst day.

 

“Don’t get me wrong. It was good to be there, and I’m glad for my brother. Really, truly glad. God, Edward was such a goofball. He was over the moon, and everyone was so happy for him.”

 

“But,” Alice prompted again when he lapsed into silence.

 

Damn woman. She knew him too well at times. “I dreamed about that part a lot when Bella was pregnant. The first time.” He rolled his eyes toward the ceiling, blinking away the sting of tears before they could fall. “I got to hold Mal today, and I kept on wondering what it would have been like. I love him. He’s my nephew, but I wanted it to be Kaylee in my arms. I wanted that. All of what Edward had today. I wanted her to still be new and mine. I wanted to be a daddy.”

 

He’d already considered the fact that the next three years of his life were bound to be bittersweet. Watching Malcolm grow, would he ever not be able to see all the milestones he missed with Kaylee?

 

He breathed in and out raggedly. Alice waited for him to calm again before she spoke. “You’ll get there again,” she said. “We’ll get there.”

 

That brought a small smile to his face. “Oh, sugar the way you talk…” He sighed again, wistful this time. “I wish you were here, baby.”

 

“Well, about that…”

 

Jasper sat up straight, alarmed by the nervous tone of her voice. “What?” he asked, dreading the answer.

 

Even though she had just said she wanted a baby with him someday, he still half expected her to break up with him. Most of their relationship existed in some distant future, when he was all the way back on his feet, when they could be together instead of across the country from each other.

 

“A couple of weeks ago, I put in for a transfer to our Seattle office.”

 

All Jasper’s breath left him in a whoosh. “I didn’t even know you had a Seattle office.”

 

“I didn’t know if it was possible to transfer, so I didn’t say anything.”

 

Jasper was silent, his brain still struggling to process.

 

“I probably should have asked you first,” she said in a rush. “I just thought...there’s nothing for me here. I don’t really have friends. No family that will see me. There’s nothing keeping me here. I know you’re still working on you, but I thought maybe, if I was there, we could start working on us. But if you-”

 

“Alice,” he interrupted her tirade. He laughed, a giddy, incredulous sound. “Do you have any idea how much I want you here? But are you sure? Why the hell would anyone uproot their lives for me? I’m a thirty-two-year-old recovering addict who still lives with his parents. I mean, what the fuck?”

 

She made an exasperated sound. “Can we not go there again? You hit rock bottom. You had to start over. It doesn’t make you pathetic or unworthy or anything like that. You know what I think?”

 

“What’s that?”

 

“I think you’ve made enough of this recovery by yourself. You don’t have to make the rest of the journey on your own. I want to be there with you. I want to work with you toward our life. We could have a good life together. That’s what I dream about.”

 

Jasper swallowed down a lump in his throat and stopped fighting the smile that stretched so wide his cheeks hurt. “When will you know?”

 

“Well… I found out yesterday. I move in three months. Expenses paid, including a trip to look for some place to live.”

 

“Wow.” Jasper was struck dumb, amazed because there was no way in hell his life could look like this. He just wasn’t this lucky. “Wow.”

  
Alice giggled. “Well, I’ll take that as a good sign.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So. Next chap should be the last one. EPoV. It’ll probably be short. There will be an epilogue.  
> On a personal note, I’ve updated my blog, kristinamsanchez dot com with the updated first chapter for my upcoming novel, One To Tell The Grandkids. If you’re interested, have a gander. The book should be published in early August.


	24. The Simple Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FAQ: Why is this labeled as an E/B story when it’s obviously not an E/B story.  
> Answer: The long and short of it is this--In my seventeen years of experience with fandoms and fanfiction, that space has always been where people look to find the romantic pairing. That’s just the way fanfiction works. E/B ARE the romantic pairing of this fic. They’re the ones you got to see get together, whose romance was part of the larger narrative. Additionally, I was hoping early on in the fic that labeling this as an E/B pairing would assure you, the reader, that there wasn’t going to be a love triangle. Jasper was never planning on trying to get Bella back.
> 
> However, this IS an E/J story. I just couldn’t label it that way because if I had put E/J up there, you would have thought this was a slash story. This isn’t a romance story--it isn’t labeled as such. This is a story about two brothers. It always has been Edward and Jasper’s story.
> 
> So there’s your explanation. Pairings and categories aren’t a science, they’re an opinion. In my opinion, this was the best way to label it.

**~One Year Later~**

Edward eased his front door open, trying not to draw attention to himself. He didn’t want to distract his daughter from her music lesson. It was likely parental bias, but he couldn’t help thinking Kaylee had to be the most talented five-year-old on the planet. He stepped into the front room where he could listen without being seen.

 

Jacob was already there in the recliner, his feet propped up and his head cocked as he listened. Malcolm was sprawled across his broad chest, fast asleep. His sister’s musical genius meant little to his one-year-old world.

 

Jake nodded at Edward in greeting. “She sounds great.”

 

“She does,” Edward agreed.

 

“Good, Kaylee,” Jasper’s voice praised as Kaylee’s song drew to an end. “That’s great. Remember to hold your fingers higher at the bridge. Don’t get lazy there.”

 

“You want me to do it again, Uncle Jay?”

 

“No. You got that one. How about you see if you can follow me? Use your ears, not your eyes.” He plucked out a few notes on his own guitar. Kaylee’s more tinny sounding guitar answered after a few moments.

 

Edward couldn’t help himself. He peered carefully around the corner into the living room. Kaylee sat on the couch and Jasper sat in the chair across from her. Kaylee’s expression was hilarious. Her eyebrows were knitted in concentration, and her tongue stuck out of the corner of her mouth.

 

His daughter was adorable, and he was endlessly smitten with her.

 

Her eyes caught him when he shifted to lean against the wall, and she brightened. “Daddy!”

 

“Hey, sugar. You’re getting so good with that guitar.”

 

“Uncle Jay says I’m a rockstar.”

 

“He’s a smart man sometimes.”

 

A smile tugged at Jasper’s lips. He looked at Edward briefly before he turned his attention back to Kaylee. “Do you think you’re ready to play the song you learned for your daddy?”

 

Edward raised an eyebrow. “You’re going to play me something, sugar?”

 

She screwed her lips up at one corner of her mouth. “I dunno. I want it to be perfect.”

 

“Perfect is an awfully tall order for such a short person,” Jasper said, winking at her. “But I’ll tell you what. You’re good, and I bet you’ll make it amazing even if it’s not perfect. And I bet it would make your daddy’s day.”

 

Edward nodded when Kaylee looked at him for confirmation. “Try it, little bit. You never know what you can do until you try.”

 

She shrugged. “Okay.”

 

Again there was that look Edward adored, with her tongue sticking out as she adjusted her hold on the guitar. When she began to play, Edward recognized the song immediately, and he looked to his brother. There was a small, secretive smile playing at Jasper’s lips, but he didn’t look up. He kept his eyes on Kaylee, mimicking the keystrokes as she played.

 

“That was fantastic, Kaylee,” Edward said when the song drew to a close. He meant it, too. She and Jasper must have been practicing this one for a while.

 

She grinned hugely at him and put her guitar down so he could sweep her up into a hug complete with a wet smack of a daddy smooch. “You really liked it, Daddy?”

 

“I really, really did. Why don’t you see what Jake thought, hmm?”

 

Kaylee squirmed down from his hold, eager to hear someone else singing her praises. When she was gone, Edward turned to his brother. “Metallica? Really? You taught her Metallica?”

 

Jasper’s grin was lopsided. “Of course I taught her Metallica. Wasn’t it one of the first things I taught you?”

 

“I don’t remember,” Edward said after a moment. “You must have, of course, but I feel like I always just knew that song.”

 

“Ha. No. You heard me playing on my guitar and you begged me to teach you. Then, when I tried, you got frustrated and quit about a thousand times. Every time, you would come and beg me all over again. Then when you finally got it, you wouldn’t stop playing it.” He shook his head. “Emmett said he was going to kill me.”

 

“Sounds like Kaylee is a much better student.”

 

“She doesn’t get frustrated as easily.”

 

A silence fell over them then that wasn’t completely comfortable. Jasper’s easy smile faded, and he sighed, tapping his fingers on his leg. “Listen, Edward. I need to talk to you and Bella.”

 

Edward’s stomach flipped. His throat was too tight to speak for a time. It was a ridiculous reaction, but he couldn’t help but feel something was coming he wasn’t going to like. He nodded his head in a quick jerk. “Okay. Dinner tonight then?”

 

“That’d be great.”

 

“Are you bringing Alice?”

 

“If that’s okay.”

 

“Yeah, of course.”

 

Some hours later, the four of them were out for the evening.

 

Typically, things were easy between the foursome. Edward and Bella had both come to adore Alice. Shortly after she moved to Seattle, Jasper had moved out of Carlisle and Esme’s home and into the apartment with her. From there, he’d been able to get a better handle on his depression and really started to deal with the issues that had driven him to drugs in the first place. These days, Jasper was happy, and though they still had their issues from time to time, Edward was glad his brother was finding peace.

 

Today, though, Alice was in full on protective mode. Edward could see the way she held Jasper’s hand under the table, and it did nothing to ease his anxiety. He took Bella’s hand similarly and waited for whatever storm was about to hit.

 

Finally, finally, Jasper blew out a sharp breath. He turned to Alice, and something wordless passed between them. She reached into her bag and pulled out what looked like a book. It wasn’t professionally done--that much was obvious. Edward looked up at Jasper, more curious than anxious now. He cast a glance at Bella who looked similarly bewildered.

 

“Open it,” Jasper said.

 

Edward found his hand trembled slightly as he reached out to pull the book toward him. He flipped it open, and a tightness rose in his throat as he realized what it was.

 

It was a book of Jasper’s snapshots, the pictures he’d taken the three years he was separated from the family. The images themselves were glossy, the colors bright where he’d taken the shots in color and stark when they were black and white. But what drew Edward’s attention were the words that accompanied each shot. He skimmed and got the gist quickly. They were the thousand words that explained the picture--Jasper’s mindset, his struggle, his lonely journey.

 

“You wrote it,” Edward said.

 

Even though it had been over a year since Edward had given the photos back, he hadn’t lost the need and curiosity to understand what his brother had been through. There was still that part of him who couldn’t reconcile how it was possible for his brother to have done this to himself. He saw the way Jasper loved his family. He saw the raw hurt in his eyes when he watched Kaylee sometimes. To that day, Edward couldn’t fathom what had kept Jasper away from the family he so desperately wanted to be a part of.

 

“This one is for you, but…”

 

Edward looked up at Jasper. “But?”

 

“I don’t know if you remember. When you gave these back, you said maybe I could publish them. Publish this.” Jasper took a deep breath. “I think it could be a good idea.”

 

“Publish this?” Bella asked, thumbing through the pages. “I didn’t know you told him that, Edward. That’s a great idea. It would be interesting to a lot of people.”

 

“Yeah. I’d like to try, but the thing about this is it’s incomplete,” Jasper said.

 

“What do you mean?” Edward asked.

 

He looked back and forth between them. Beside him, Alice touched his shoulder in an encouraging gesture. He seemed to draw strength from her support. “I think you’re right, Bella. I think this would be very interesting to a lot of people, but what’s more important to me is that I think maybe it could help people. People like me, I mean. But I think it would only help if there was some closure. This.” He put his hand over the book. “This is all the awful things. It was hard for me to put together. It was hard to remember those days because my life was only awfulness or oblivion. No in between. It’s such a hopeless existence.

 

“What helped me more than anything was remembering how this story ends. I’m lucky.” He looked at them and then he looked over at Alice. He brought their joined hands up on top of the table. “I know how lucky I am.

 

“I guess what I’m getting at is I’d like for this book to be able to help people, but I don’t think it will unless I finish the story. Three years ago, when I woke up in the hospital, I had no hope. I think that’s a reality for a lot of addicts--that there’s no hope. I think it gets reinforced day after day even if they try to help themselves. It’s damn near impossible to overcome the cravings. It hurts to even try to function without it, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg.” He looked up, his far-off glance focusing again as he looked to Edward and Bella in turn with shame in his eyes. “You get to the point where what you want more than anything is to be a good son again, a good brother, a good person, but you’ve hurt everyone around you too badly. They’re so angry and distrustful, it feels like there’s no hope of coming back. There’s no hope of forgiveness. There’s no hope you can ever get to be part of anything good again. And if there’s no hope, what’s the point of the struggling? What’s the point of not giving in to the cravings?”

 

Edward’s lips tugged downward, and he wondered, not for the first time, if, in his rage, he’d ever sent Jasper into a spiral he almost didn’t pull out of.

 

“This is the rest of the story,” Jasper said, putting another section on the table. “This is what’s in the light at the end of the tunnel. This is what I wish I knew when I was gone--that there’s hope.”

 

The second part wasn’t as thick as the first. They were more snapshots, of course. The earlier ones weren’t as good a quality--they were cell phone pictures, Edward realized--and yet they still captured something more than a typical photo. There was Esme, her eyes wary and tired but her smile genuine as she looked back at her long lost son. There was Emmett caught mid-conversation at what looked like a basketball game, picking up his relationship with his brother where they left off. There was a photo that was a mirror image of the one Esme had up in her office of her and Carlisle cradling a newborn Edward, staring at him in wonder. In this picture, it was Edward, Bella, and baby Malcolm.

 

There were photos of the entire family, the kids, even Jacob.

 

And Kaylee. Of course there were pictures of Kaylee.

 

It hit Edward then exactly why Jasper was so nervous. He could tell that Bella had caught on because she gripped her fingers in a fantastically tight hold.

 

“If you want me to scrap the whole idea, I will,” Jasper said quickly. “It’s up to you. It’s completely up to you. It could all be a non-issue. There’s nothing saying it would sell at all. But if it did… “He swallowed hard and shook his head. “I would just hate if it was someone else who told Kaylee the truth about me.”

**~0~**

When Edward got home that night, he went straight to Kaylee’s room. He sat at her window seat, watching her sleep, trying to get a grip on the fierce protective instinct that had been rekindled by Jasper’s request.

 

Mine, the feral voice growled in his head.

 

“Edward,” Bella whispered. He hadn’t heard her come into the room, but her light touch to his arm did wonders to soothe him.

 

He let her pull him to his feet and down the hall to their room. Once there, he sat against the headboard and she settled onto his laps, her arm around his neck, needing the comfort and closeness as much as Edward did. They anchored each other. They always had.

 

“Either way, we always knew we had to tell her,” Bella said after an age. “We agreed when she was a baby, remember?”

 

“When she’s old enough to understand the concept but young enough she won’t be angry we kept it from her,” Edward echoed their discussion from years before.

 

She stroked the side of his face and then kissed the tip of his nose. She reached past him and took Jasper’s book off the nightstand. “Look at this. Really look.”

 

He kept his eyes on hers stubbornly, but she waited him out. She stroked his neck, pressing little kisses along his cheek. After a minute, he sighed and looked down to the book she had open on her lap.

 

Bella tapped her finger on one of the pictures. She flipped the page and pointed to another. “You see?”

 

Edward did.

 

Jasper had always been able to capture the truth. What he saw in those pictures was a daddy so in love with his daughter. And Kaylee… the way she was looking back at him. He was the center of her world, and she adored him. She loved him more than she loved her favorite stuffed animal, and to a five-year-old, that was saying a lot.

 

His brother had snapped a picture in those particular moments for a reason. If it had been a second later, Kaylee might have been looking away or Edward might have been blowing a raspberry against her neck. But he hadn’t captured the cute moments or the photogenic moments. He’d captured their father-daughter bond, and he’d done it on purpose.

 

“Baby, she’s yours.” Bella rested her head on his shoulder and brushed her lips against his neck. “You know it. She knows it. Jasper knows it.”

 

Edward was quiet for a long time. It was true, he knew, but that didn’t take away his fervent wish that this conversation never had to happen.

 

He took a deep breath, let it out, and let it go. He let Bella’s touch comfort him, and he began to return her kisses. He rubbed his hands up and down her back and then pressed her down on the bed. He lifted her nightgown and pulled down her panties and reminded himself how very, very lucky he was.

**~0~**

They showed Kaylee one of the pictures Jasper took of Bella when she was pregnant with her. “You remember when Mal was growing in my tummy?” Bella asked.

 

“Uh huh. You walked like this.” Kaylee teetered back and forth in an imitation of a waddle, and she giggled.

 

Edward couldn’t help his smile, and Bella ruffled her hair. “That’s right. You remember when I told you that you lived in my tummy too before you were born?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Well, it takes two people to make a baby.”

 

“A mommy and a daddy. I know. Tia from my class told me.”

 

Edward’s cheek twitched and he exchanged a glance of Bella. He mentally added finding out what Tia had told their daughter about how babies were made to the list of conversations to have soon.

 

But first thing was first. “That’s not quite true,” he said. “It takes a man and a woman to make a baby, but that man and woman aren’t always a mommy and a daddy. See, not everyone can be a mommy or daddy. It doesn’t mean they’re bad people; it just means they weren’t ready for a baby.”

 

Kaylee looked at them and kicked her feet a little listlessly. It was obvious she had no idea why her parents were talking about this.

 

Beside him, Bella took a deep breath and put down another picture. Despite himself, Edward’s temper flared.

 

The photo was innocent enough. Bella was obviously pregnant. Jasper had his arm loose around her waist. “The thing is, baby bird, your Uncle Jay is the man who helped me make you.”

 

Edward squeezed her hand because that had been hard for him to hear, but it must have been awkward as hell for Bella to say.

 

The bored look had faded from Kaylee’s face. She was chewing on her bottom lip, looking at the photograph.

 

Edward moved off the chair he was sitting in to sit on the other side of Kaylee on the couch. She leaned into him but otherwise didn’t say much. Edward squeezed her tightly. “You know we all love you so much, Kaylee. That’s never going to change.”

 

She turned and clambered up on his lap, locking her arms around his neck and ducking her head against his shoulder. Bella scooted over, putting an arm around both of them and rubbing Kaylee’s back.

 

“Sugar, are you okay?” Edward asked, pressing a soft kiss to the top of her head.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Do you have any questions?”

 

She shook her head vehemently against his shoulder.

 

“That’s fine. You can ask us anything any time, okay?”

 

“Okay.”

**~0~**

Edward and Bella had decided to keep things as normal as ever after their conversation. To that end, Jasper came over as usual to give Kaylee a guitar lesson.

 

He was so nervous and anxious, Edward almost felt sorry for him. Almost. He might have felt sorrier except he was nervous too.

 

At first, Kaylee didn’t react to her uncle any differently. She sat across from him, following his instructions as usual. If she noticed how Jasper stumbled over his words or how his voice almost ran out from time to time, she didn’t call attention to it.

 

Then, apropos of nothing, she looked at Jasper over her guitar. “Hey, Uncle Jay?”

 

“Yes, sweetheart?”

 

“Mommy and Daddy said you helped make me. When I was a baby and lived in Mommy’s tummy.”

 

Edward saw how Jasper jolted and that his grip on his guitar was so tight his knuckles went white. He swallowed several times. “Yeah, that’s right.”

 

“Did you help make Vera and Henry?”

 

“What? Oh. No. Honey, no.”

 

“But you’re their Uncle Jay too.”

 

Edward was about to step in with answers of his own when Jasper spoke quietly. “Uncle is just a word that means we’re family, and I love you. It means your Daddy and your Uncle Em and I are brothers.”

 

She nodded. “Mommy and Daddy said you couldn’t be a daddy.”

 

“No.” Jasper swallowed several times, his fingers twisting the tuning pegs of his guitar at random. “You have to be really awesome to be someone’s daddy.”

 

“My daddy is awesome.”

 

“You’re right. He is.”

 

“So if you’re my Uncle Jay and you helped make me, I guess we’re just a little bit special, huh?”

 

“Yeah, Kaylee.” Jasper’s voice was thin, but he managed to keep it steady.

 

“That’s cool. Can we learn a new song soon? I don’t really like this one.”

 

“Um. Yeah. Yeah, of course.” Jasper looked down at his guitar again as though he was having trouble gathering his thoughts. “You know what, Kaylee-girl? I’m sorry. I think we should try again tomorrow. I can have a new song ready for you by then.”

 

“But-” Kaylee started to argue, but Edward stepped in.

 

“Hey, sugar. You think you can do me a favor? I think Mal woke up from his nap. You know you can always make him smile when he’s grumpy. Why don’t you go help Jake?”

 

Kaylee seemed indecisive for a moment, but then she put her guitar down. “Okay.”

 

While he’d been speaking to Kaylee, Jasper had slipped out the door, but Edward found him easily enough. He was sitting on the stoop with his head in his hands, as winded as though he’d just run a sprint.

 

Edward didn’t say anything. He didn’t know what to say. He simply sat down next to Jasper on the stoop and waited.

 

After an age, Jasper’s breathing slowed. He straightened up a bit and dug a fist into his eyes. “Fuck,” he said under his breath. “God, I can’t tell if that was worse or better than I imagined.”

 

“Yeah. I’m with you on that one.”

 

Jasper rubbed at the center of his chest as though trying to soothe an ache there.

 

“Are you going to be okay?” Edward asked knowing full well that he would get to go back inside and hug the hell out of his daughter and Jasper would, as usual, have to live with what he’d lost.

 

His brother laughed wryly. “You’re a much better man than I am, you know that? In every way. That you can even care about how I feel…” He sighed and rubbed a hand over his eyes. “You know, Edward? In case I never told you, if I had to fuck it all up, I’m glad it was you.”

 

“I’m not going to lie to you. I’m glad it was me too.” He bumped Jasper’s shoulder with his. “In case I’ve never told you, I think you’re a better man than you give yourself credit for.”

 

He paused, searching for the right words. “You know, I can’t be sorry that they’re mine, but I am sorry you’re hurting.” He huffed out a breath. “And I’m glad you’re my brother. Even if it means we have to go through days like this a few more times, I’m glad we’re brothers.”

 

Jasper sat up straight, some of the defeat lessening from his posture. “Yeah. I’m glad too.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Many thanks to barburella and jessypt for all their help.
> 
> There will be a future-take epilogue, but I hope you’ve enjoyed the journey. I very much enjoyed writing it for you. Hearts!
> 
> On a personal note. My book, One to Tell The Grandkids, should be coming out for the Kindle early next week. If you’re interested, feel free to follow me on Twitter, Facebook, or follow my blog for updates.
> 
> Fun fact I just found out? I’ve written over three MILLION words of fanfic for this fandom. How crazy is that?


	25. What The Future Holds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hello, kids. We come to the end of our tale.

It was a sunny Saturday, and Jasper was with his family.

 

In retrospect, he couldn’t pinpoint an exact time things had changed. When had his mother and father stopped asking him incessant, supposedly innocent questions about what he’d done all week, who he’d been with? When had Rosalie forgotten to give him the cold shoulder and joined in conversation with the rest of them? When had it become second nature to smile and joke again?

 

He taught his one-and-a-half-year-old nephew how to tumble. He let Henry, Vera, and Kaylee take turns being spun around by the arms. Henry was getting big enough that Jasper got worn out. When he flopped down on the ground, Alice brought him a cold drink. She put her arm around his waist and pressed a kiss to his neck.

 

Life was good.

 

It was Kate who called him that sunny Saturday. He didn’t recognize the number, but he had a few agents interested in his book, so he answered it anyway. “Hello?”

 

“It’s over,” she said. Her voice was toneless.

 

“Kate?”

 

“Laurent. He overdosed last night. He died about an hour ago.”

 

Jasper was glad he was already sitting down, because her announcement would have knocked the legs out from under him. As it was, his stomach roiled and his head spun as though the world had begun to tumble end over end. He drew his legs up to his chest. “I… I’m sorry.”

 

“I am, too. Anyway. He talked about you a lot. I thought you should know.”

 

“I’ll… Will you let me know when the funeral is?”

 

She scoffed. “Won’t be much of one. I don’t want his so-called friends there.”

 

“Yeah. Yeah, I don’t blame you.”

 

“I’ll call you when I have details,” she said, and then she hung up.

 

Jasper stared forward, not really seeing anything. He felt Alice’s hand against his back and felt rather than saw his family gather around him. After a minute, he laid his head down on his knees, rocking from side to side as his family comforted him.

**~0~**

Jasper only had the one suit. He didn’t like using it for this, but he also thought Laurent might have appreciated it. He liked it when people dressed sharply, though his own tastes tended to be more eclectic.

 

The knot of his tie proved problematic, mostly because he was too listless to concentrate. He stood in front of the mirror, but he didn’t really see his reflection. He was lost too deeply in thought.

 

“Let me.”

 

Alice stepped in front of  him, and Jasper was too tired to be startled. He hadn’t even realized she was in the room. He let his hands fall limply to his sides as Alice’s fingers worked his tie. She concentrated on her task for a few moments before she looked up into his eyes. “What’s wrong?”

 

He glared at her, and damn, he loved her, but what the hell? “That is a legitimately stupid question.”

 

She pulled the knot of the tie with just a little more force than necessary, but her tone was still gentle. “What’s wrong?” she repeated.

 

He sighed because of course she knew the difference between his grief and his anger. “I went on Laurent’s Facebook page.”

 

“And?”

 

He couldn’t answer. Instead, he walked to where his laptop lay open on the bed and turned it toward her. She sat. When she read what he’d read, her face went pale.

 

The first few messages were straight out condolences. They were confused as to what could have happened. They were heartbroken. Then one message from Kate’s sister, Tanya.

 

“To all of you who are sad about his death, don’t be. He’s a fucking moron, and he deserved what he got. The world’s not going to miss another worthless junkie.”

 

After that, a number of vile messages were left on his Facebook wall.

 

“He doesn’t deserve your tears. Good riddance.”

 

Moron. Asshole. Slime. Worthless. They couldn’t seem to think of a bad enough thing to call him.

 

Jasper understood. Of course he understood. He’d watched Laurent destroy his second chance at life from a distance. He knew why Tanya was angry. She had watched Laurent pull her sister back in repeatedly, watched him beg Kate to stay, to help him. Listened to his promises that it would never happen again. Yet over and over, they found out he lied. He snuck behind their backs to get his fix. He pawned Kate’s antique coin collection--because they needed the money, he told her later, for them. But the next month, their overdue bills were even more overdue.

 

He understood, but it still hurt.

 

“I keep wondering,” he said, finding Alice’s hand as he sat on the bed. “If you’d walked by that alley instead of looking down it, or if you’d decided it was none of your business and I died, are these the things they would have said about me? Is that how people would remember me?”

 

Alice closed the laptop and scooted over, wrapping her arms around him. He closed his eyes, burying his nose in her hair. “He was more than the mistakes he made.”

 

She kissed his chin. “I’ve never understood the need to dehumanize people who have done bad things. It’s like a separation. Like they’re another species because they were capable of something terrible. That somehow makes it okay for them to say such heinous things.” She brushed his hair away from his eyes. “Really, we’re all capable of every atrocity and every low point. None of us are above it. We were just lucky enough not to hit the right set of circumstances.”

 

She stood then and offered her hand. He took it and let her pull him to his feet. “Are you ready?” she asked.

 

He laughed without humor. “No.” He started walking toward the door anyway with her at his side. “Do you think, given a long enough timeline, he could have beat it?” He swallowed hard. “Or if I’d been strong enough to help him.”

 

Alice slipped her hand in his and threaded their fingers together. “I think we’re all just a twist of fate from living or dying. That’s just life, baby. You fight until you lose. We’re all going to lose someday--we just don’t know to what.”

 

Jasper stopped short and pulled her to him. He took her face in his hands and tilted her head up so he could kiss her. “I love you. I’m glad you’re fighting for me.”

 

“With you.” Her hands were at his back, pressing him closer. “Always with you.”

 

He kissed her again and let himself be glad he could. His demons hadn’t won, and he was determined they wouldn’t. Let him lose to the specter of old age and no other force.

 

But there were no guarantees, so he kissed her again and again and again.

**~0~**

Four months later, Jasper wore his suit again, this time for its intended use.

 

“God damn bowties. Why can’t I do this in jeans?”

 

Edward clucked his tongue and slapped Jasper’s hands away, stepping up to help. “You can’t do this in jeans because your soon-to-be-wife has a sense of occasion. I promise you’ll forget all about how much you hate this suit when you see her.”

 

Jasper smiled. “Right.”

 

After a moment’s silence, Edward had gotten the bowtie straightened out. He stepped back and glanced at Jasper. “Okay. I have a question I probably shouldn’t be asking you at the bottom of the ninth.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Why me?”

 

“What?”

 

“Why did you make me your best man? Don’t get me wrong. I’m honored to do it, but why me?”

 

Jasper had been waiting for that question since he’d asked Edward. It was a good question. Emmett would have made sense. Emmett had forgiven him and supported him almost from the moment he’d stepped back in his parents’ house. Carlisle would have been a good option too--the man who should have been his father, who had earned that right where Charles Whitlock had failed miserably.

 

“Edward...You’re the man I wish I was,” he said, looking down at his feet. “You’re the kind of husband I want to be and the kind of father I want to be.” He looked up and took Edward by the shoulders. “I know when you were little you looked up to me, and I disappointed you to say the least. But, little brother, you’re my hero now. If you’ll stand with me, I might feel like I deserve any of this.”

 

Edward pressed his lips together and swallowed hard. “I didn’t always deserve to stand beside you either,” he said quietly. “You’re not the only one who made mistakes.”

 

He hugged Jasper then, a lingering hug filled with pride and brotherly love.

 

“Come on,” Edward said. “It’s your day. Let’s get to it.”

**~0~**

Eight months after his wedding, Jasper broke a few laws getting to the hospital. He cursed the whole way as he ran from the parking lot into the hospital.

 

This was not happening again. It just wasn’t.

 

Though, he supposed this was an improvement. He was running toward his wife and child, not away.

 

Why was this happening again?

 

Somehow, Jasper managed not to go out of his mind long enough to get past security. He ran, ignoring the guard’s admonishment to slow down.

 

He hadn’t wanted to leave, but Alice and the family had convinced him. His book was garnering the right sort of attention with the right people. He had an opportunity to help other addicts with his work. He had a chance to make his experience useful to someone else. She was thirty-three weeks pregnant. They had time.

 

So he’d flown to Los Angeles to meet with a few people. What a surreal experience that was--people treating him with respect because he was an addict.

 

But then the phone call. There were complications with the pregnancy, and Jasper was hours away.

 

“Jasper.”

 

It was his father who caught him before he ran right past the gathered family. Carlisle grabbed him by the arm and held him by the shoulders, steadying him. “Dad.” Jasper said between pants. “Alice. The baby.”

 

“Breathe. It’s okay. They’re both doing well.”

 

Jasper swayed where he stood. He would have fallen back on his ass except his mother and father guided him down to sit between them. “The baby’s born?”

 

“Just twenty minutes ago,” Esme said, rubbing his back. “Four and a half pounds. Nineteen inches. A little girl.”

 

“A girl.” Alice hadn’t wanted to find out the sex, and the news stole his breath.

 

He had a daughter.

 

“Jasper?”

 

Jasper raised his head. Edward was jogging down the hall toward them.

 

Everyone stood. “Edward was with Alice when she was brought in, so she gave them permission to talk to him about the baby.”

 

Jasper looked to his brother. “You were with her?”

 

Edward nodded. “They wouldn’t let me in the operating room, but I was with her as long as I could be.”

 

Of course he had been. Edward picked up the pieces when Jasper fucked up. Apparently that hadn’t changed.

 

His little brother’s hand on his arm focused Jasper’s concentration. “She’s fine. They’re both fine. Alice is in recovery.” He smiled. “And your daughter is in the NICU. They said she’s doing well. She’s strong. She just needs a little help with her respiratory system.”

 

“Steroid shots, probably,” Carlisle said. “It’s fine, Jasper. It’s normal. She’s going to be fine.”

 

“I was hoping you were here.” Edward tugged at his arm. “Come on. You can see her.”

 

Jasper followed where his brother led without hesitation. His head was spinning. He was worried and nervous and so afraid. Guilt settled like a cold stone in his gut.

 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t here. I wanted to be here,” he said, babbling

 

“Hey.” Edward stopped short, pulling Jasper to a stop with him. “This isn’t the same thing. This isn’t the same at all.”

 

Jasper blew out a breath. “I know.”

 

“Really,” Edward said.

 

Some of the weight on Jasper’s shoulders eased, and it was easier to breathe. “I know,” he said again, meaning it this time.

 

Edward nodded and started walking again. “Alice was a champ. They said they’ll come get us--you--when she’s in her room, and you can see her.”

 

“She must have been scared.”

 

“She was, but she was calm.”

 

When they got to the NICU, a nurse took over explanations. She led them to a window, and Jasper got his first look at his daughter.

 

“Oh my god,” he whispered.

 

His mind went in a thousand directions at once. She was beautiful. He understood with perfect clarity why people said babies were beautiful. It wasn’t about aesthetics. He’d often privately thought newborns especially were often strange-looking. But it didn’t matter. Her beauty was something completely other--a beauty that struck his soul rather than merely his eyes.

 

It was like what he’d felt when he saw Kaylee for the first time, but then it wasn’t. His first sight of Kaylee had been a combination of profound gratefulness--the dead baby girl in his thoughts morphing into the amazing little person in front of him--and devastating loss. She was his, but he wasn’t her daddy. He loved her. He loved her so much it nearly killed him on the spot, but he wasn’t her daddy.

 

This baby girl… He was her daddy.

 

He was a daddy.

 

A terrified daddy because my god, she looked so small. With all the full-grown people buzzing around her, settling her down amidst machinery that made her look even smaller. Fragile. She was chubbier than the pictures he’d seen of Kaylee but not by much. Not nearly enough.

 

“It’s never going to be easy seeing her like this,” Edward said. “But it’s fine. She’s fine. Not quite perfect but almost.”

 

“She’s perfect,” Jasper said, his voice gone hoarse. He knew what Edward meant, but he had to say it, because she was.

 

Luckily, Edward knew what he meant too. “She is.”

 

They both watched in silence until the doctor came to update them. The baby was stable, and that was the most important part. He gave them some basic information about her condition and estimated her NICU stay would be around five weeks.

 

And then he said the magic words. “Your wife isn’t quite ready for visitors yet. Would you like to hold the baby?”

 

Jasper’s head snapped away from his daughter to look at the doctor. “I can do that?”

 

“Yes. In fact, it’s encouraged. Your daughter can only benefit from your touch.”

 

Jasper swallowed hard. “Can my brother come with me?”

 

“Yes. Two visitors at a time is fine.”

 

A nurse taught them how to wash their hands and scrub in. The whole world felt surreal. Jasper couldn’t quite wrap his mind around what was happening. He followed instructions to the letter and let himself be led to a chair by his daughter. The nurses picked her up, careful of the IV line attached to her, and laid her in his arms.

 

He loved her so much it hurt. It hurt. But this was a good pain--the stretch of his heart to accommodate such an unfathomably huge emotion. He was filled with love and more than that, he was overcome with joy. Now that the baby was in his arms, he wasn’t quite as scared. She was solid--tiny but not as frail as she seemed.

 

Her lips pursed and her eyelids fluttered, mostly closed.

 

“Baby girl,” he whispered to her. Two huge tears fell down his cheeks. “I’m your daddy, and I love you so much.”

 

A click and flash reminded him that he had brought Edward with him into the NICU. Jasper looked up, and Edward took another picture. A snapshot. The first snapshot of Jasper with his daughter. In it, Jasper was smiling. It was the big, goofy, over-the-moon grin of a new, proud daddy.

  
He was the daddy, Edward the doting uncle, and though he would have preferred a more conventional birth where he could be having this moment with his wife, all was right with the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Many thanks to Barburella and Jessypt.
> 
> On a personal note, my new novel, One To Tell The Grandkids, is now available on Amazon. The link is in my profile if you’re interested. :) My debut novella, Duplicity, will be available for free for five days beginning tomorrow.
> 
> As of right now, I have no intention to stop writing fanfic. It’s just too fun. As soon as I’ve finished up Foolish Hearts, I intend to write a Madonna-Whore Complex ficlet where Edward will be surprised to find his childhood crush, pure, innocent, virginal (in his mind) Bella, posing nude on a site he frequents.


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